Why I’m Scarier Than a Porn Star

By Kendra Holliday | April 26, 2020

This Chihuahua is scared of me

Ed Note: I wrote this back in 2011. Do you think things have improved since then?

I was talking with a friend about my constant struggle to be understood. He mused:

“You are caught between society’s fascination with sex and its horror of it. In a weird way, you’re more dangerous and threatening than a porn star. Porn stars, we believe, are actually motivated by a love of money and fame, which motivates the rest of us, and thus is socially acceptable. But you’re different.

You post pictures of yourselves being fisted because you like being fisted, and you want the rest of us to know about it. And that’s threatening, because – we are all haunted by sexual desire, by appetites that we are all constantly trying to control, and you pride yourself on someone who doesn’t limit her appetite at all… who completely indulges.

Your message is, to quote you, ‘You can have it all…’ you can indulge all your secret desires, completely, to excess, and suffer no consequences. People interpret that, emotionally, like someone saying, You can drink all you want, gallons of vodka a day, and still be fine! Somebody like that would be laughed at. But you’re scary, you’re emotionally dangerous,

Because most people don’t want to drink a bottle of vodka a day. But many people DO desire to have a lot more sex. And you’re indulging that desire, regularly, publicly, and it seems… threatening. Crazy. We’re supposed to have limits! We’re supposed to be responsible!

Let’s face it, you are not superficial, where most people prefer to keep things. You are very real.”

Hmm. And this is very interesting.

Comments

Hypocrite 2011-08-02 15:29:05

I always thought porn stars were motivated by cocaine and daddy issues. Go figure.

As for “and suffer no consequences”, I think that’s a very simplistic and inaccurate statement on his part. Maybe in some aspects of your life you’ve done just fine, but you’ve also suffered plenty.

Finally, is it good to indulge to excess constantly? For unhealthy things, obviously no, but what about activities normally considered to be healthy? If somebody spent all their free time over a weekend reading, we’d say “how lucky!” If they did that for a year, we’d wonder what the heck is wrong with them.

Reply

Paul 2011-08-03 13:34:47

Sex seems to always need an excuse. Sex for the sake of sexuality? As my local hero Dan Savage would say, “ZOMG secks!”

When one of our local sex clubs was attacked by main stream media (which, by the way always results in more people joining), I was saddened to see members of our community defending it by pointing out it was about more than just sex parties. While true, so what? It exists to allow people to safely explore and get past their shame of their sexuality.

Do not give in to the shaming by finding excuses. The message is and should be: there is no shame in sex for the sake of sex.

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2bit 2011-08-03 19:03:16

Hypocrite/Paul,

Both excellent points, and the combination is the real threat… but to what? A misguided belief that people who participate in wanton sexual activities for pleasure will not be able/willing to stop themselves from having sex ALL THE TIME.

Kendra,

You are scary because you demonstrate balance. A feature that is lacking in this country… esp with regard to sex.

Reply

Graham 2011-08-04 06:13:54

I think the friend’s comment is very perceptive- traditional monogamy and pornography both use sex as a commodity to be sold or traded for something you want or need.

Sex as an end in itself- for the sheer thrill of it- is deeply subversive to the traditional moral framework.

Reply

siiix 2011-08-09 03:29:49

its getting better trough, some people actually look up on us as role models, sex is becoming more socially acceptable year by year… i think they gay movement had a lot to do with this… the point being if they can do it why cant anyone else…. thank you for that to the gay community

Reply

The Bee's Knees 2011-08-12 15:21:28

I was having a discussion a few weeks ago with my BFF’s boyfriend about relationships, sex and sexuality, he was doing his best to try and understand how I got to be the way I am.

I kept asking what do you mean the way I am?

Just how YOU are!

I’m not anything different than anyone else I said, we all desire gratification I just choose to persue it responsibly and not be ashamed of it.

That’s it though, everyone else IS ashamed of it! How do you bypass that?

I was stumped, I have no clue. If there has one thing I have always been good at it, it’s enjoying sex for the sake of sex and always on my terms. I wish I could bottle it and share it with the world because I always imagine how much of a difference it would make in every level of society to be rid of the shame people associate with sex.

We all want it, as we should, we’re humans not robots! Why the fuck should we be ashamed of it?

I feel much more shame when I want things like a newer better phone even though I have a perfectly good one and there are people completely without.

and @ hypocrite Kendra has only suffered because of other’s perceptions of what sex should be not from the actions she has chosen to partake in with other consenual adults.

Reply

RedHotGeorgia 2011-08-14 10:34:04

When you hit a nerve…people respond hard and fast…and negatively. That to me means your doing something RIGHT. You are helping people by example and education to enjoy one of the most basic of our human natures. Sex for the sake of procreation is all well and good…but I dont know of a single human being that only engages in it for that reason. The rest of us like it…some of us A LOT. For those that dont enjoy it…thats your right…but dont shame the rest of us for something that brings us joy. If you find joy and fulfillment in cross-stitching…good for you. Its not my schtick…that doesnt mean I will hate on you for it.

Keep fighting the good fight Kendra! The more strongly people react, the closer to home your hitting!

Reply

bill 2011-08-14 19:04:11

lets face it , our society is sick :heart:

Reply

VoxSenex 2011-09-28 15:48:50

The difference is that porno can be an objective experience: it is the thing itself, the Event, cordoned off in the bedroom of the mind.
TBK on the other hand is a subjective relationship. TBK talks back, has a kid, worries about money, does more or less or different things.

The scariest thing of all is confronting the self in the eyes of another. Some people call that love.

This is an interesting train of thought you’ve started.

Reply

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