By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2020
Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”
That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!
I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.
I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.
In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.
Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 12 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.
You want to know why?
Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!
Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!
The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.
Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.
Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.
Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.
Guess who has creative sex?
People with disabilities.
Creative sex can be extremely intense and passionate, but the structure reduces anxiety and unrealistic expectations.
How do you learn creative sex?
Read books by Joan Price, an ageless sexuality educator.
Seek out and pay for queer porn.
In queer porn, you will see sex as you’ve never seen it before. You will see REAL sex. You might see primal, thrashing sex. You might see quiet, urgent sex. You might see vanilla sex, kinky sex, or solo sex. You will see people having FUN with safety barriers. You will see them using lots of lube and toys. You will see mutual masturbation. You may or may not see penetration. You will see them checking in with each other, open communication, even laughter. It’s more relaxed.
Married men often complain about how their wives are not up for sex as often as they would like, but what if they incorporated creative sex into their repertoire? After all, if every sex encounter involves a lot of effort and aerobics and penetration, it won’t be as compelling to commit to such a high level activity.
Seriously, if you’re a man, imagine if every sexual encounter you had required you to be penetrated, with little likelihood of orgasm (see “orgasm gap” research). You might take a pass, too! I’m gonna go ahead and say it – straight sex can be BORING.
My partner and I have sex almost every time we’re together (we see each other about three or four times a week), but we aren’t having PIV (penis in vagina) sex every time. We have PIV about 20-25% of the time.
The rest of the time, we’re asking each other what we are feeling or into. If we’re tired or moody, we might settle for something low impact or relaxing, such as lazy sideways sex, or him holding me while I vibe it out. We often use toys and tools. We might use oral or hands. We might roleplay. We might worship. We might play wrestle. We might 69. We might massage each other with coconut oil. We might take turns being the center of attention. We both have orgasms – IF we feel like it. We check in with each other, and trust that we will speak up if something isn’t working or we need a break.
Our focus is on pleasure, not performance, and it’s soooo good and mutually satisfying for our emotional and physical needs.
My bisexual friend Lady Phoenix points out something very key: “I think creative sex includes being willing to be vulnerable as well as intimate. For example: being willing to have sex even if, let’s say, ED is part of the equation. Recognizing that intimacy and creativity can still be in play, which manifests creativity. It’s circular in motion. It’s physical, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual in nature when the right connection exists. After all, we are all here to connect to others in some way.”
So, go out there and in the name of all that is good, be CREATIVE with your sexy self! Create pleasure for you and your partner(s)!