By Kendra Holliday | August 23, 2021
So, last month, I had a breakdown. I got really mentally and physically ill for a few days. I could barely function – my heart raced, my blood pressure was high, I was sobbing and puking, etc…
This wasn’t my first episode like this – I’ve had a few – due to menopause, hormones, overheating, stress, alcohol abuse, grief, family issues (my dad has dementia), burnout…
This time, I think what caused me to crash and burn was scheduling several intense sessions the week after I got back from vacation.
This is nothing against the lovely men I played with, or the scene topics, but I’ve found that some sessions affect me more than others.
My easy sessions involve surrogate work, TLC, sensual, playful topics.
The more challenging sessions for me these days involve more corporal, kinky, dark fantasies and roleplays. They’re a lot of fun, but they can be very draining, and sometimes it takes me a couple days to recover from the emotional hangover. It didn’t use to be that way – I used to move on quicker. That makes me wonder, is it worth it to me to do these types of sessions? Why do I feel more anxious before some sessions than with others?
I often hear from clients about a Dominatrix they were fond of, but the Domme retired “after a few months.” I wonder why that is? And how do some Dommes make it a decades-long career? Does it depend on their personality? (I’m an INFJ – I feel A LOT).
One thing that’s been bothering me, is that men hire us to fulfill their fantasies, claiming they want to be submissive to women, or, that they “want to please us,” but sometimes, the scene devolves into a passive aggressive show of wills.
For example, the man might want to be restrained, but often expect the Domme to wear tight corsets, heels, etc. Yes, classic Domme attire is super hot and sexy, but let’s face it – it’s quite constraining!
When the men ask to worship our bodies, for us to sit on their face, they make out like it’s to give us pleasure, but I think it’s really more of a way for them to enjoy the ultimate feminine energy “surround sound” immersive experience. (Note: Some Dommes offer BDSM only, without sexual activity, whereas other sex workers offer a combination. It depends on what types of services and boundaries each individual offers.)
Sometimes, it feels like they really are siphoning off my energy, which should be okay, since it is renewable, but just like a phone battery, it needs time to recharge. And sometimes, it feels like they really do want to absorb me, even trade skins with me. Many of these men want to be ME when they grow up – or should I say, grow down?
Here’s what I mean by that – this is a quote from Melissa Febos’ book Whip Smart:
“So many sessions were based on a kind of inversion of misogyny, the subjugation of women reenacted by men on themselves. Our clients wanted to be dressed in women’s clothing and raped, molested, infantilized, humiliated, and physically abused. Did this kind of mimicry reinforce or subvert the power of these paradigms?”
“My client lived a kind of sexual samsara…”
Phew! Just reading about some of these scenes was exhausting!
After Melissa Febos, aka “Justine” as she was known in the dungeon, became sober, “work became miserable. I staggered through the sessions, wondering how it had ever seemed easy. The closeness of their bodies was excruciating. It was another kind of feeling skinned…If their powerlessness and shame were a bog that I had previously traversed untouched, I was now slipping. I could smell it – the brackish stink under me – on my hands and feet, in my hair when I woke up in the morning…”
On topping from the bottom, she wrote: “Clients who topped from the bottom specified little before the session began. They pretended to be a different kind of client. ‘Schoolmistress,’ they’d request, as if trusting that I would know all it entailed, which I did, just not down to the ordered of every last detail and inflection. I knew what ‘schoolmistress’ meant and what kind of makeup and stockings and pain they required. But still I would spend an hour having every movement of my tyrannical role dictated to me. It was maddening, like being asked to run sprints in a straitjacket. I knew what to do, I was good at knowing what to do, but they still whispered the answers to me…”
and then she went on to say:
“We were all topping from the bottom, it seemed. Both my clients and coworkers were designing their own humiliation. Freud said that there is no sadism without masochism. If there was ever a sadistic masochist, my client Jack was one. He was one of those clients who preyed on new hires – they were looking for victims, not masters. I met many men whose real pleasure seemed found in demanding torture methods more humiliating for their Domme than for them. Is it worse to be fisted as you fantasize, or to shove your arm up a strange man’s ass for money? To have your yarmulke shat in or have to shit in a yarmulke while a stranger watches?”
“Imagine reenacting the most painful traumas of people’s lives all day, becoming, one hour at a time, the embodiment of their obsessions, their sexual fixations; it would suck the life out of you…”
“Many sessions had started to feel like surgery without adequate anesthesia…”
So, yeah, phew. I’m not alone.
I’m trying to figure out what types of sessions I want to do, and who I should share intimate space with, for the sake of my mental and physical health. Or, how do I strengthen my energetic boundaries? Should I try and build a thicker skin? I’m not sure I could, even if I wanted to. I like being sensitive and caring and present. I feel like I’m doing this work for the right reasons. I think it can be very cathartic and healing. But at what cost? Is there a different way to approach this?
Hmm… lots to think about. Not to mention lots of emails and inquiries to reply to. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as I sort this all out.
I love you.