By Kendra Holliday | September 22, 2020
I’m going to preface this with the following disclaimer: I’m a witchy, woo woo, sex worker goddess, and this brain dump is going to sound crazy. I’m fine with that, as I fully embrace my hormonal mood swings and non-traditional way of thinking. I live in a society with lots of self-imposed cages, and my motto is “Think outside the cage.”
So, hear me out, let it all sink in, and let me know what you think!
Toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with white supremacy, and it’s making me sick. It’s making A LOT of us sick.
I’ve been diving deep into history, addiction, psychology, science, and more, and I’ve connected some dots.
Centuries ago, people from Europe set out and explored the world. They invaded many areas and took them over. They brought disease, death, and disruption to the people already living there.
They set up elaborate exports and imports of toxic trade – sugar, tobacco, alcohol, and slavery. They brought oppressive religions and destructive concepts that were deadly and divisive.
They declared that people, plants, animals, and places were all possessions. They put up fences, walls, and demanded territorialism.
They sought to control everything, and lived with a scarcity mindset. They instilled and lived in fear. They were hungry for power imbalance. They felt they were anointed by God, and thus justified in all their actions.
These things represent male energy: fire, cars, guns, alcohol, nicotine, conquering, destruction.
These things represent female energy: water, trees, cannabis, sharing resources, creation.
In almost every part of the world, societies respond to trauma and stress with music and dance. In Europe, they use alcohol as a coping mechanism.
The abortion issue and our prison system is based on toxic masculinity and white supremacy. Power, control, greed, corruption.
Margaret Atwood, author of The Handmaid’s Tale, says it’s, “a form of slavery to force women to have children they can’t afford.”
Our prison system is also a huge loophole for modern day slavery. See the book “The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness,” and the documentary “Thirteenth” for a thorough breakdown.
In contrast, take a look at the Kingdom of Women, a society in rural China that has a matriarchal structure.
They don’t even have a word for rape. They hear about domestic violence and are disgusted and baffled by the thought.
It reminds me of the compare and contrast of other primates – chimpanzees are a warring, meat eating, bullying territorial species, whereas bonobos are peaceful, vegetarian, and resolve conflict with sex. Gorillas are also a more peaceful species, and orangutans, too.
Sometimes I feel like a bonobo surrounded by chimpanzees!
I’ve noticed that men with military experience are some of the most damaged by toxic masculinity.
I’ve worked intimately with thousands of men. They’ve been in my personal space, my body.
I’ve witnessed thousands of men in their most naked, vulnerable state. I can’t tell you how many have said to me, “You’re the only one who knows this,” as they confess a homosexual experience or erotic desire they are ashamed of.
The majority of my clients are “straight” white men with discretionary income in their 50’s and 60’s. Most are married and have high status jobs.
You’d be surprised at how many of them feel trapped and super stressed out. That’s right, they’re on the highest rung of the ladder and have the most privilege, but they feel so unhappy and unfulfilled!
Society has placed them in self-imposed cages so that they can’t self-actualize.
Our society does all kinds of insidious things to distance us from our primal roots – we’re removed from nature and put into cubicles, cars, cells. We’re discouraged to have feelings, body hair, and body fluids. We’re being turned into domesticated robots, and it’s killing us! We need to be wild, free, able to emote, dance, fuck!
But that’s too scary, so we lock ourselves down and feel guilty for having desires.
Most of the men who see me have had enjoyable homosexual encounters. MOST OF MY CLIENTS ARE SECRETLY BISEXUAL.
It may be the clientele I attract, but many of my men wish to be submissive, pegged, or even feminized. They are tapping into their deepest darkest desires and fears, and it’s deeply terrifying for them. Their whole life they’re told they have to penetrate other people and deny themselves pleasure, so what they want more than anything is to be penetrated, whether it be physically or spiritually! I’m starting to think the prostate is the seat of pleasure in men, or is it the brain?…hmm!
The men, women and couples who come to me and allow themselves to let their guards down and be vulnerable are SO rewarding. It’s so healing. I love holding space and being present for them. I love teaching them self-love and sex-positive education. I love being a passion midwife – helping people birth their sexuality.
The men who come to me and want to put on a performance based act and show off their prowess and the moves they learned watching porn are suffering from toxic masculinity. They don’t “get it.” They’re misogynists – they love women and crave female energy, but if a woman behaves in a way that doesn’t fit their standard – watch out!
They tend to disrespect me – not by assaulting me, but by their actions and feeling entitled to whatever they want. They tend to question, or even push, my boundaries and cancel on me short notice, putting me on unpaid retainer.
When I get one or more of these men in a row, I find myself triggered. I get really upset, and crave alcohol, which is like punching myself in the face. I’ve learned that I need to pace myself and carefully curate who I work with, otherwise I get burned out on toxic male energy.
Men use sex as a way of feeling close, which is why they feel so hurt when their partner never initiates sex – they take it very personally. (See this article on what men wish their partners knew about what they need and want.)
I have a theory that since men aren’t allowed to express their feelings openly the way women can (it seems anger is the main socially acceptable emotion), ejaculation is a way for them to discharge emotion and energy.
Women are allowed to cry.
Women cry; men ejaculate.
So it’s like women have two emotional discharge outlets right on their face, and men have one, and it’s buried and supposed to be kept private!
I can have an intimate encounter with another woman just by sitting across from her having tea – our eye contact is warm and fulfilling. But men often have an intangible protective wall up that prevents that connection. They have to get naked and have their dick out in order to access that level of intimacy and feel fulfilled.
Tears are one of the only socially acceptable body fluids in our society; all other body fluids are regarded with varying levels of disgust.
I say that more men need to be able to cry freely, and more women should learn how to squirt (female ejaculate)!
Let’s DISCHARGE those emotions and energy as often as needed for our health and happiness!
When you oppress and hurt others, you are hating on yourself. Outward aggression is an act of self-hatred.
Be an advocate for equality. Stop trying to control other people. Allow for agency and safe expression. Share resources. Operate on mutual respect.
Tony Porter sums it up well: “My liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.”
Countries with the highest rates of sexual satisfaction are the countries with the highest gender equality. I always say, “If women are happy, then men and children will follow suit.”
Domestic violence and child abuse are our biggest issues, and it starts from the top – the people in power are punching down – rich white men are punching poor white men and black men, who are punching women, who are punching children, who accumulate trauma and grow up to perpetuate the cycle and become addicted to drugs…this costs are society dearly. Think about how much we spend on prison, legal fees, recovery programs, therapy…
When men are hurting women, they are punching themselves in the face. It’s incredibly self-destructive. They are cock blocking themselves!
We need to address these “shenpas” – these hooks, or talons. We need to learn how to break the cycle, unhook ourselves and become free. I highly recommend the book “Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears“, by Pema Chodron.
We need to REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.