By Kendra Holliday | May 11, 2015
Most of the events hosted by my not-for-profit group, Sex Positive St. Louis, are open to all genders.
Occasionally, we’ll offer an event for women only. They are ALWAYS wonderful, a great opportunity for women to explore their sexuality safely, in a setting that is comfortable for them.
In the spirit of equality, some of our male members requested an event for men only, so we gave it a try. We called it “Dicktacular! Dicktacular!” It was a chance for men to get together and discuss their penises.
The event was a FLOP.
The energy was not good, the conversation didn’t flow, the guys had trouble opening up, and I doubt anyone left feeling empowered.
So, David Wraith suggested we try a different approach. He had a weird, experimental idea – a CFNM theme. What is that, you may ask? Read on!
He sent this invitation out to a select group of men and women:
You are invited to a very special SEX+STL event. We are beta testing a new discussion group, The Penis Party.
This event will differ from past events like The Pussy Party, Dictacular! Dictacular!, and our normal Clothing Optional Meetups in a variety of ways.
Unlike The Pussy Party and Dictacular! Dictacular!, this event is open to any gender.
Unlike our Clothing Optional Meetups, this event will NOT be clothing optional, but a Clothed Female Naked Male theme (CFNM). Men attending will have to be completely naked; women attending will have to remain clothed.
Like The Pussy Party and Dictacular! Dictacular!, this will be a discussion of genitalia – the penis, specifically. However, this will be a Fish Bowl styled discussion, divided by gender. Meaning, for the first half of the discussion, the men will speak among themselves about their penises and the women will listen. For the second half, the women will speak among themselves about their relationship to penises and the men will listen.
This is an experiment. It’s co-ed because my experience with men-only events is that they tend to be dour affairs that lack the energy of co-ed and women-only events.
It’s CFNM because this event is about the penis, just as The Pussy Party is about the vulva, and my fear is that naked women would be a distraction. It’s also an interesting way to shift the power dynamic and the traditional (male) gaze.
It’s Fish Bowl style because my experience with co-ed discussion groups is that the men tend to dominate, even talking over and interrupting women. Allowing women to speak without male interruption is another way of playing with traditional power dynamics.
Do we know how potentially disastrous this could be? As a matter of fact, we do. That’s why we’re beta testing it with a select group of people (you guys) to gauge whether we want to make it a regular event open to all our members.
So, how did it go?
It went GREAT!!!
We ended up with eight men and twelve women. A few of the men had never been to an event like this – very brave of them! The women were loving and supportive.
We set the stage – we all submitted written questions about penises for David to moderate.
Then, the men undressed completely and sat on their towels, in a circle on the floor. They represented black and white men, from ages 25-65. Only one of them was uncircumcised.
The women sat in chairs around them, fully clothed and ready to listen.
It was SUCH a nice change in dynamic! I had to resist taking my clothes off – as an exhibitionist, I’m always one of the first to disrobe at our clothing optional parties. It was fun having the tables turned! I kindof wished we had the men parade around naked to show us their penises before we got started.
It was interesting to learn that two of the men in their 60’s masturbate at least once a day. You really do need to use it or lose it. I’ve worked with a couple men whose penises completely atrophied after years of neglect.
All of the men spoke frankly about Erectile Dysfunction and other insecurities. Women often think men have it so easy – they can get turned on and go at it anytime – but that is NOT the case! There’s SO much going on with a man when it comes to his dick. It isn’t just a fuck tool.
Someone referred to oral and touching and stuff not involving intercourse as “not sex,” but I suggest trying thinking of it like “coreplay” and the intercourse as dessert, a concept from the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
A woman mentioned how the velvety penis skin feels like an eyelid, and immediately everyone reached up and started stroking their eyelid. 😉
We talked condoms. Word has it that the trouble with condoms is not the sensation of fucking, but how putting one on can mess with the moment. On top of that, the sensation of first entering your partner is harshly blunted. It’s numb. But once you get going, it’s fine for most men.
Vaginas do feel different for men. One even said that fucking the same woman on the first of the month, and then the 12th of the month can feel like two different women!
Breathing is an important tool when it comes to controlling orgasm and being in the moment.
I asked about cockshots, and most women don’t like them. A couple women said they didn’t mind them, but it wasn’t like it turned them on and they had to drop what they were doing and go FUCK THAT THING.
The uncircumcised man from Europe shared: “It’s always amusing to me to hear women say they prefer circumcised. I don’t have a problem with their preference because I understand where it comes from — it’s what they’re used to. But it does sound odd to me because it’s a preference for something that seemed shocking and arbitrary when I first learned of it in the 8th grade. How would women feel if they moved to a strange new country and found that virtually all women there had their nipples amputated and then heard men there say they preferred women that way?!”
(You can read more on this topic in my previous post.)
I shared my experience with a neophallus – I was with a transgender man who had a penis created out of other parts of his body. As a result, he experienced amazing sensations – when I stroked his penis, he also felt pleasure on his thigh where the skin graft came from! His brain had his nerve endings mapped, so even though they were relocated, they still retained some of the original sensation. Amazing, huh?
We were all so pleased and enlightened by the Penis Party experiment – it was a rousing success! I was SO impressed with the men sharing such personal thoughts and feelings. The vulnerable setting fostered wonderful exchange. So much was learned! We’ll need to schedule another one soon! In the meantime, keep your pants on and stay sex-positive!