Premature Ejaculation: Not So Fast

By Kendra Holliday | January 28, 2021

Note: This article was originally published here.

Gotta learn how to control your super powers

Did you know that the average woman takes about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm? The majority of men, on the other hand, don’t have a problem coming in 5 minutes. If a woman can orgasm during intercourse (though not all do), she’s going to require more time than most men need. Basically, a woman’s orgasm is like a symphony, whereas a man’s is more like a rock song.

In general, men can stave off the inevitable for the sake of his partner, employing techniques akin to swinging a guitar solo or engaging his audience. Some men, however, have trouble lasting even five minutes—it’s more like a radio jingle—and they’re anxious to build up their longevity so they can properly satisfy their partner. Plus, radio jingles are annoying.

There’s an interesting phenomenon called The Coolidge Effect, which got its name from President Calvin and Mrs. Coolidge. Seems the First Couple was visiting a farm, and Mrs. Coolidge remarked that she wished the Commander in Chief were as randy as a rooster they saw strutting around. President Coolidge retorted, “Well it’s no wonder I’m not as frisky; I’ve only got one hen in my henhouse.” The Coolidge Effect is when a man become bored with his regular sex partner, but gets “over enthusiastic” (comes in a flash) when introduced to new ones.

Case in point: as a sex surrogate, I worked with a 45-year-old attorney who said he’d could go a decent amount of time during intercourse with his wife of ten years, but now that he was divorced and dating, anytime he got with someone new, he had trouble lasting more than a couple minutes, leaving him baffled and frustrated.

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Breathe Easy

By Kendra Holliday | January 26, 2021

Ed Note: From the archives. I look forward to working with clients again in a more normal way later this year!

Kyle took the train from Chicago.

All day he traveled, portable oxygen tank in tow.

He didn’t listen to podcasts or music. His mind was too occupied with thoughts of what was to come –

me.

Sexy bitch in burgundy!

Sexy bitch in burgundy!

You see, Kyle was overcoming great obstacles in order to find answers and rediscover intimacy with another person through surrogate sessions with me. It had been seven years since he was last with a partner, and he was missing human touch terribly.

Why? Life took an unexpected turn from him.

I’m always fascinated by my client’s life stories, and his was especially interesting.

As a forensic anthropologist, Kyle traveled the world working on ancient civilizations and gravesites. He was fit, had a passport, and worked outdoors a lot, in all kinds of conditions. Destinations included South America, Australia. He was next scheduled for a project in Europe, and had his sights set on Asia.

Then one day, at a church in Mexico, disaster struck – literally. The team was digging in trenches, excavating an old sacred graveyard for relocation. Despite wearing a Hazmat suit and respirator, something went wrong when a 400 yr-old-bone was hit with a pickax. Bacteria exploded in the air, and invaded his lungs. He suffered serious pulmonary damage, and has been on oxygen 24/7 ever since.

A couple years after that, he was hit in the ass with colon cancer, and had to undergo risky surgery to remove 1/3 of his colon. The doctors warned him he might not survive the operation, due to his lung condition. They had to give him an epidural and twilight meds instead of general anesthesia!

Incredibly, he survived this double whammy.

Nowadays, Kyle is the same age as me (43) and lives with his parents on disability. He can no longer drive. He’s overweight and in poor health. His lifestyle went from adventurous globetrotting to being tethered to a tank in his bedroom, more or less homebound, living vicariously through the internet. He is an odd combination of extremely worldly and intelligent, and emotionally stunted and childlike.

We had our initial consult over Skype. I found out he’s quite kinky like me – into stockings, men and women, incest and rape fantasies, pegging… all that fun stuff! His sensitivity and shyness put me at ease, and we clicked.

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Can Women Get Ruined From Too Much Sex?

By Kendra Holliday | January 17, 2021

Dear Kendra,

A recent tweet of yours got me thinking. Someone asked about the number of sex partners and someone answered, “Why does it matter?”

Well, the average guy like myself, ignorant to the female body, thinks men can have sex with a thousand females and have no physical change to the penis, but if a woman has sex with a bunch of partners, her vagina becomes stretched out or damaged in some way.

As I get older and wiser, this seems like a really stupid believe. Can women have sex with many partners without physical change? Could you explain how the female body really works and educate us cavemen?

My reply:

Sexy hipsters

Sexy hipsters

Every body is different, so some women have very tight vaginas to begin with that slowly become looser over time, kids or no kids, sex partners or not.

How many kids you have makes a difference. So can how much you use your vagina. OR it makes no difference! What if she has c-sections, for instance?

What if she fucks guys with HUGE dicks?

What if she’s a porn star? I’ve heard of porn stars doing anal scenes for five years who sustain damage. Then there is Belladonna who takes really good care of her body and exercises muscles most of us aren’t even aware of!

A woman can do Kegel exercises and tighten PC muscles and make things better.

I’ve asked several guys how different pussies compare – guys who have been with total sluts, women who have had NO kids or four kids, and they say it all feels the same. I think that is their honest answer.

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My Top Sex-Positive Recommendations

By Kendra Holliday | January 10, 2021

Kendra Holliday will help you work the kinks out!

I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.

The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:

1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)

2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, adult virginity, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)

3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, in between relationships, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)

4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet

5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck

———

My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!

Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:

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A Polyamorous Formula That Works

By Kendra Holliday | January 5, 2021

I love to explore.

I love to explore.

(For some background on polyamory, please read my article Love Like An Ocean: Diving Deep Into Polyamory.)

My partner and I have been together for twelve years.

We first met July 2007, at a friend’s wedding. We are in a long-term, committed open relationship. We started our relationship open. We don’t live together – we keep our families, homes, and finances separate. We see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. We are open to countless possibilities when it comes to sharing intimacy with other people. We deeply enjoy and appreciate our non-traditional relationship.

But it certainly isn’t a reckless free-for-all. In order to keep it healthy and drama-free, we constantly communicate with each other to ensure ways we can exercise our freedom while operating on mutual respect.

Outlined below is an arrangement that works for us.

It can be difficult balancing everything, but this is how we prioritize:

1. Kids/family

2. Careers

3. Our relationship

4. The people we are dating/close relationships

5. Social/volunteer/misc.

Sometimes we will date a person or couple once or twice, or just for a weekend when they come visit. Sometimes we will date a person or couple for a few months or longer. Usually lives change and shift so much that we ebb and flow into things naturally. It feels very fluid. We can date other people solo, or together.

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End of 2020 Reflections

By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2020

Click to enlarge

If there is one word that summarizes this year for me, it would be “disrupted.”

As of March 2020, everything broke apart and turned upside down.

In normal years, I offer consultations and intimacy sessions, host play parties, and am co-leader for Sex Positive St. Louis, a not-for-profit org that was founded in 2010.

I listened to a podcast where they talked about “All That 2020 Has Taken From Us.”

Here’s my list, what’s yours?

Things 2020 Took From Me:

Gather around for a sex-positive storytime!

80% of my income (thank goodness for a few good men who have kept safely in touch this year)

My 20 year old cat – he died of a sudden brain tumor in Feb.

Sex Positive St Louis events – our annual clothing optional spring fling, our naked pool party, Fleshtivus, our 10 year anniversary celebration.

My birthday trip.

Our summer vacation.

My 19 year old cat – she died of mouth cancer last month.

My childhood home – I helped my dad move into an assisted living apartment and sell his home. We got rid of almost everything.

Most of my dad’s brain – his dementia has gotten so much worse the past few weeks.

My mental health – I’ve had a few breakdowns and bad days, but I’m feeling okay right now. Going to revisit my Sanity Plan next week!

The most frustrating thing I’ve had to deal with this year is impatient men who push my boundaries. They contact me, I state my protocol, and they immediately start to push my boundaries, whining about masks, trying to get as much of my time, energy and expertise as they can for as cheap as possible.

It’s a constant cycle of eager acolytes who contact me – I try to teach them how to light the candles, and they want to just rush in and burn down the church. It feels so disrespectful and is exhausting.

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Size Matters – In Your Head

By Kendra Holliday | December 19, 2020

Note: This article was originally published here.

What’s in your pants? Can’t wait to find out!

I don’t know about you, but I love surprises.

You never can tell what a man’s penis is going to be like just by looking at him. I’ve hooked up with a 6’4” guy with huge hands and feet, only to discover he has an average size penis. I’ve been shocked to find out the 5’7” Asian man with delicate features is a show-er, not a grow-er.

The other day I met with a new client, an attractive, fit 34-year-old. Usually, I get a clue what’s on a client’s mind prior to meeting him, but in this case I had no idea what his issue was. This appealed to me. I was going to get a surprise.

The Long and the Short of It

We met at a coffee shop, and took a walk in the park. Settling down on a bench, he took a deep breath and nervously admitted that he felt his penis was too small. When I asked him why, he cited two main reasons:

1. A girlfriend in high school drunkenly mocked him, telling him he had a little dick.
2. His current girlfriend cheated on him with another man.

When he asked her if the other man had a bigger penis, she’d told him yes. As horrifying as this was for him to hear, he confessed that ever since then, he has enjoyed fucking her with a large dildo and imagining he is watching a well-endowed man pleasure her as he feels he cannot.

He told me he avoids being around other men in the locker room obsessively, and that he was finding himself getting more and more into a fetish called SPH, or small penis humiliation.

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“I Want to Please You”

By Kendra Holliday | December 4, 2020

Pay attention.

So many men are sick from toxic masculinity in our society. They have to be very manly, which involves taking care of business, being in charge, hiding feelings, and burying their feminine side.

Yet, they crave a place where they can surrender to a strong, sexually confident woman and be awash in female energy and power exchange. They want to be cared for. They want youthful female energy. They want mature female energy.

So they contact me requesting help with exploring their sexuality, but then proceed to railroad me and call the porn shots and trample all over the sensual process and fuck it up. So frustrating!

Here’s a Dan Savage podcast where a man wants to know how to get his vanilla wife to like domming and pegging him. Go to the 8:35 mark and listen.

Ready to party!

Dan points out that for some women, this can feel more like work than fun, so he suggests backing things up. For a woman not used to being sexually dominant, a good place for her to start is to think about what she wants right now and demanding it.

But what if what she wants right now is a cup of tea? Will that disappoint her partner? Will taking small steps like this lead them to a place where they both feel fulfillment?

I get a lot of men who tell me, “I want to please you.”

But then, when I tell them what I want, they steer things back to what THEY have in mind.

If you want me to peg you, piss on you, sit on your face, objectify you, humiliate you, rub your naked body while you talk on the phone, that’s totally fine! You’re hiring me to perform a service, and I am happy to oblige. I have so much fun being creative sexually! I like taking care of you.

But don’t get it twisted. Are you doing this for you, or are you doing this for me?

Prepping for a session takes work, so not only are you paying for the time we are mentally and physically engaged, but you are paying for the hour before and after. I have to dress up in uncomfortable lingerie and heels and get into the right head space. I have to clean up afterward.

If you REALLY want to please me, here are some ideas:

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What Does Being Penetrated Vaginally Feel Like?

By Kendra Holliday | November 19, 2020

HOLY SHIT YES

HOLY SHIT YES

Let’s get this cleared up right off the bat: Do you wanna know what it feels like to be penetrated non-consensually?

LIKE YOUR SOUL IS DYING.

So don’t do that. DON’T penetrate other people non-consensually. I can’t believe I have to state the obvious. COME ON, PEOPLE.

Now, let’s move on to how it feels to be vaginally penetrated when you are into it, turned on, etc.

I posed the question on fb and twitter, and got responses from several curious men, but only one from a woman! My friend, Bianca:

“Being penetrated vaginally feels like a void is being filled. Like the right jigsaw piece is in place. Like warm candy. So good you roll your eyes up with pleasure.”

YESSSS.

Let me elaborate.

It’s like tucking into this gooey, decadent, absolutely delicious dessert, all sweet and salty and creamy.

It’s like you have a throbbing headache, and someone slips you morphine. Hot, throbbing morphine, for your hot, aching pussy.

It feels like a drug that will save your life.

It feels completely base and primal, like you want to fuck the earth and fill your womb.

It feels the way a spring crop looks, all those new green shoots pushing up through the moist, fertile black soil.

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What Happens to Sex When Your Partner is Ill?

By Kendra Holliday | November 11, 2020

Ivanyi, Lovers, 1909

Ivanyi, Lovers, 1909

In the past three weeks, I’ve had three men approach me for a consultation about a problem they’ve been dealing with for longer than I can fathom: their wife is chronically ill, and they haven’t had sex in years. They’ve cared for her, support and love her, would never leave her, but they are frustrated. Drained.  They aren’t getting their needs met. They feel guilty. When I ask if they feel resentful, they immediately say no, but…

What should they do?

What would YOU do?

Are you partnered with someone who is ill?

Are you ill and partnered?

Are you getting your physical and emotional needs met?

Is your partner getting their physical and emotional needs met?

Are you monogamous or polyamorous?

How do you cope?

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Tenga Flip Hole

By Matthew | October 20, 2020

A post by my partner, Matthew!

One of the many benefits of having a relationship with a Sex Goddess Slut To Fuck is getting to check out awesome sex toys.

A while back Kendra delivered my now old, worn, well traveled and definitely abused friend, Jesse Jane to me. After all the good times JJ and I had together, (I passed her on to our friends in Colorado to take on their cross country trip, I wonder where she is now?) I was down for another round of male sex toy reviewing.

This time however, Kendra stepped it up a rung or twelve on the high tech sex toy ladder.She sent an email with a picture and a note saying “Look what is coming for you!!” I had just seen a snippet of a show highlighting the top innovations of that last year or so and the Tenga Flip Hole was high on the list.

“Fuck Yeah Slut!!!!” I replied.

The Tenga flip hole with lotion

She seemed even more excited than I was when it arrived. “Oh My God, Oh My God I wish I had a dick!!” she shrieked as we opened the sleek looking package. The Tenga website proclaims, “A blanket of bliss awaits within!”

I had heard a lot about other tube style tools for men but never tried one. I was pretty hyped up for my first poke to be with the Tenga.

It comes with three vials of lube, or as they call it, “Hole Lotion”: Mild, Real and Wild.

The inside of this tool looks like an inverted porcupine space age bumpy crater laden landscape made of an extremely inviting soft and pliable silicone. I seriously couldn’t wait to get my dick into this thing.

On my first expedition into this exotic paradise I used the “Real” lube.  Both the “Real” and “Mild” lubes are relatively thick which I liked a lot. It was really easy to apply the lube as the Tenga is hinged and folds open like a gun case.

There are three points at which you can apply pressure while sliding it on and off of your cock.   Each one of them creates a different sensation. One gives a suction type effect, another makes everything a bit tighter and the third makes focuses sensation a bit more on the head.

Eeeve!

The color scheme and design made me feel like I was fucking Eve from Wall-E. Robo fetish bitches!!!

It didn’t take me long to bust my shit!!! This thing felt fucking great. The landscape is really unique and not the least bit over stimulating. I found that the combination of pressure plus the option to rotate the Tenga in a full circle offers differing enough sensations that anyone can find their “spot.”

I couldn’t tell a marked difference between the “Real” and Mild” vilals of lube but I can tell you that the vile “Wild” lube is not for me. It has something in it that gives that sort of mild BenGay/IcyHot effect which I am not into at all.

The clean up is really easy as well due to the folding design. All of the cum stays in the cracks and crevices inside so their is little “evidence” left at the scene. Walk it to the sink and give it a quick rinse, let it dry and that is that.

The instruction manual says the Tenga can be used about fifty times before it starts to wear out. I plan on finding out just how many strokes it takes to get to the center of this Fuck Hole Pop. Three down so far!!!

The Tenga is to the cock as the Hitachi Magic Wand is to the clit.

A must have for any person with a cock who masturbates.

My Life Milestones

By Kendra Holliday | October 3, 2020

I’m 47 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:

1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!

My birthday suit, aka my first nude photoshoot

My birthday suit, aka my first nude photoshoot

1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.

1975: Who the hell knows.

1976: My brother is born.

1977: Um, Elvis dies?

Drinking the blood of Elvis

Drinking the blood of Elvis

1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.

1979: My family moves to St. Louis.

1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.

1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.

1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.

1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.

1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.

1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.

1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.

1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.

1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.

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Toxic Masculinity from a Sex Worker Perspective

By Kendra Holliday | September 22, 2020

Trust me, I’m a wise witch!

I’m going to preface this with the following disclaimer: I’m a witchy, woo woo, sex worker goddess, and this brain dump is going to sound crazy. I’m fine with that, as I fully embrace my hormonal mood swings and non-traditional way of thinking. I live in a society with lots of self-imposed cages, and my motto is “Think outside the cage.”

So, hear me out, let it all sink in, and let me know what you think!

Toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with white supremacy, and it’s making me sick. It’s making A LOT of us sick.

I’ve been diving deep into history, addiction, psychology, science, and more, and I’ve connected some dots.

Centuries ago, people from Europe set out and explored the world. They invaded many areas and took them over. They brought disease, death, and disruption to the people already living there.

They set up elaborate exports and imports of toxic trade – sugar, tobacco, alcohol, and slavery. They brought oppressive religions and destructive concepts that were deadly and divisive.

They declared that people, plants, animals, and places were all possessions. They put up fences, walls, and demanded territorialism.

They sought to control everything, and lived with a scarcity mindset. They instilled and lived in fear. They were hungry for power imbalance. They felt they were anointed by God, and thus justified in all their actions.

These things represent male energy: fire, cars, guns, alcohol, nicotine, conquering, destruction.

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My Body Modifications

By Kendra Holliday | September 16, 2020

Me in 3rd grade

Me in 3rd grade

This is a picture of me from the 3rd grade. Looking at it, it’s hard to believe I was molested – I mean, wouldn’t those ginormous nerd goggles be repellent enough, not to mention the shitty haircut and goofy fashion?

Then again, my opportunistic molester was pretty homely too, and wasn’t very picky. I daresay he had bad taste in children.

But this ugly child grew up to be a gorgeous goddess. Here are some steps I took in my maturity makeover:

Braces – My parents could only afford braces for one of their five kids, so they chose my sister. That means I made it to adulthood with one of my front teeth jutting out. In grade school, kids would come up to me all the time and inform me, “You have a crooked tooth.” LIKE I DIDN’T KNOW. I was self-conscious about smiling, so I scowled a lot.

Finally, when I was married and DINK (double income, no kids), I took the plunge and got Invisalign braces. I’M SO GLAD I DID IT. It was worth every penny (how many pennies are in $4000? oh never mind). Now I wear a retainer at night whenever I feel like it, which is about half the time. I’ve only broken it once. Flossing is so much easier.

Heart zapped – In 2000 I birthed my daughter vaginally – hooray! I didn’t want an epidural or a c-section, but I sure did freak out and request the epidural as soon as my labor pains kicked in for real.

My doctor took it upon herself to give me an episiotomy (a surgical cut in the muscular area between the vagina and the anus), which took a long time to heal. But further north, the pregnancy took other tolls on my body – my heart.

It had trouble keeping up with the extra blood flow and work involved with carrying another person around inside me for months, so it started to misfire. I developed SVT – Supraventricular tachycardia. My heart would sometimes race 300 beats a minute, which was inconvenient and scary. The solution was a procedure where they snake a laser up through your groin to your heart and zap the naughty part and kill it. So my heart has a scar.

The procedure cured my condition, but that zap also signaled the end of my marriage. I woke up from the procedure and everything changed in my life. My heart was fixed and broken, all at once.

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Boundaries and Balance

By Kendra Holliday | August 28, 2020

SMILE!

Three is my magic number.

I was born 3-23-73.

I’m really good at threesomes. 🙂

I have sacred feminine triangles all over my body – my hairy underarms and pubic hair represents one; my breasts and belly represent another.

I find that my life is best balanced when I’m nurturing these three things:

Professional career – represented by my site Be Open and Honest

Personal life – represented by this blog!

Philanthropic endeavors – represented by Sex Positive St. Louis, my all-volunteer community organization

Sometimes, things get out of whack, and my personal life suffers, or my volunteer efforts lag, but I’ve found that the best way to keep things balanced is to ENFORCE MY BOUNDARIES.

I know my boundaries, but they are always being pushed by other people and forces, and it’s exhausting! They don’t mean to do it, but that’s life as a sex worker whose motto is: NEVER BORED.

Here are some examples of my boundaries:

  • I always use condoms with intercourse. I don’t let random men rub their penis on my vulva.
  • I don’t receive anal. It’s not an erogenous zone for me. But I’ll gladly give it! 😉
  • I do things on my own terms. If someone contacts me and wants to work with me but doesn’t want to follow my guidelines, then I don’t work with them. I have my protocol in place for a reason.

It’s funny, but I find that the more I put out there, the more some people expect. For instance, I post a Panty of the Day pic on Twitter, and I’ll have men send me Direct Messages asking for more free pics.

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