On Giving, Boundaries, and Mutual Respect

By Kendra Holliday | July 16, 2015

According to this excellent and insightful psychology book by Adam Grant, there are Givers, Matchers, and Takers.

The other day I interviewed my daughter about her relationship with me. I asked her, “What is a quality you admire in me?” She replied, “You’re very giving, but you make sure people give back in return.”

In other words, I am not The Giving Tree.

Nope.

Nope.

Ha, ha! But seriously - nope.

Ha, ha! But seriously – nope.

I will help as much as I can, but I will not be used. I have boundaries, policies, and standards in place. I operate on mutual respect.

It amazes me how some people have no problem following my rules, and others just push push push my boundaries. Pushing boundaries = creepy. See Charlie Glickman’s explanation of this.

In our society, men are taught to be entitled to whatever they want, which conveniently matches up to the role women are assigned – to say yes and serve everyone selflessly.

Some people will hit me up for free advice on email or text. I’m happy to offer a quick suggestion, but I’m not a sheep in the meadow, just standing around for you to help yourself to a valuable snack.

Um, excuse me?

Um, excuse me?

My milk of human kindness is not endless and free. If it was, I’d dry up and keel over (not to mention homeless), and what good would I be then?

And then there are the rude cavemen type, who grunt and demand.

Here is my friend and fellow sex worker Erika’s humorous and helpful advice to these men:

I had an inquiry the other day from a man. All the info he offered was his first name and that he was “open to more.”

I replied back to him with my typical answer:

“Thanks for contacting me!

I’d be glad to work with you. The first step is an initial talking consult = $100/hr. Please read my reservation policy.

Currently I’m booking sessions about a week out and can meet during the day, evenings or weekends.

If that works for you and you’re interested, let me know!

Thank you,
Kendra”

He wrote back:

“Kendra have seen multiple pics of you n u r worth it hope it’s a great consult lol! Am very interested in a special,new,exciting and sensual mind blowing experience that I think you will provide. If you want to tell me if that is fine text me.”

I replied:

“Sure, we can probably work something out. You can read this interview of me and see if I’m worth it…”

http://artforartssakecreatives.tumblr.com/post/123728761173/kendra-holliday-is-let-out-of-the-cage-to-reveal

After reading the interview, he shot back:

“One word for you——Spectacular!!!!! Can’t wait!! Do I have to do initial consult? Or would u waive that for me n go right into first session?”

SIGH. I replied:

“Sounds like my policies and standards don’t match up with yours. Try backpage. Good luck, Kendra”

He wrote back:

“What did I say that upset you! I apologize that I offended you! Backpage is not my style! Guess I was over exuberant hope you’ll re-consider me!”

Later, he wrote again:

“Guess you decided not to reconsider me Kendra—my loss for sure but would u do one favor for me? Please tell me what I did to infuriate you?”

I replied:

“Infuriated? No. Turned off? Yes.

I get many inquiries daily. Most people understand my policy and don’t question it.

To be frank, I am internationally known and offer very special, intimate services. I’m the only person in the Midwest doing what I do. I have clients flying in from all over the country to spend time with me. I work with licensed sex therapists. The fact that you asked me to fuck you sight unseen, as if you were ordering a pizza and not respecting my professionalism and therapeutic offerings, led me to believe you wanted a backpage experience, which is not what I offer. I put myself out there 110%, whereas the only thing I know about you is your first name, and that you are eager to have sex with me. I am a woman and have to screen my clients. I have no idea what you look like. I have no idea what you want. That is why I have the initial consult. I can select my clients and choose the ones that respect my safety and won’t waste my time. I suggest the next time you contact a woman for intimate services, you follow her guidelines. My time is valuable. Offering advice, suggestions and referrals is also part of my initial consult, so you just scored yourself a 10 minute freebie.”

On the flip side of the coin, I have people who tip me, gift me, show their appreciation. I have one client who showers me with $2 bills and gold dollar coins.

I have another client who always brings a bottle of Maker’s Mark.

I have people who ask me for advice via email, and then send me an Amazon gift card.

Are they spoiling me, or are they properly tributing me?

I don’t expect these things, but I sure do appreciate it! I also appreciate when people respect my time and value the unique services I offer – making dreams come true.

Trust me, I do my share of volunteer work with my group Sex Positive St Louis. And I give a lot of my personal experiences and wisdom through this blog.

But I also need to pay my bills and keep things balanced. Gotta stay strong and healthy if I want to remain positive and help other people in deep and intimate ways.

Not only that, but I’m working on some big projects that will be groundbreaking in our community.

I’ll give you a hint: I’ve been doing a lot of research and planning. Part of that research includes the book, The Sacred Prostitute, and The Netherlands sex education program for kids. And I’ve been offered a full scholarship at the AASECT Summer Institute next month at Wash U! So excited!

Stay tuned!

Comments

Erika 2015-07-16 09:26:26

Thank you for sharing my video Love! but yeah, it’s the nature of the beast! But with you being the Queen of Our sex positive community, men will be lining up to pay you!!

Reply

Ashley 2015-07-16 10:42:59

I appreciate your taking the time to answer questions via email for people! I asked you a question a few years ago about pain that I was having with sex, after seeing both my primary doc and OBGYN and basically being told that it was just a thing that I should get used to and to use more lube (lubrication is NOT a problem). Within minutes you had given me more information (and places to find information!) than either doctor. Doing things like that can literally change people’s lives and to this day I appreciate your help!:)

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2015-07-16 12:04:49

    Hearing from you means so much to me! Often times I’ll email someone back and never hear back from them. It’s like throwing money in a cup. You hope it makes a difference, but you don’t really know. That’s why I try and respond to every message I receive. You never know if it will make a difference in someone’s life.

    Reply

fuzzilla 2015-07-16 11:57:18

**In our society, men are taught to be entitled to whatever they want, which conveniently matches up to the role women are assigned – to say yes and serve everyone selflessly.**

YES!! Brava!

I really like this Givers, Matchers, and Takers concept. Yes, there is a middle ground between selfish and selfless.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2015-07-16 12:05:28

    The middle ground is self – balance.

    Reply

bimotarich 2015-07-16 18:29:57

good read

Reply

Larry 2015-07-16 19:38:07

We have chatted once. I tipped or pd for your time, (surprising you a bit), as I felt I was seeking assistance from a professional. If I chat in person, at a social event, I would not expect professional advice, and would not go there. I might ask for time later, but most everything I know of you I have learned on your pages, and #1 is that you are a specialist, just like many others. I do not expect free legal or medical results from social exchange, anymore than I believe anyone should expect you to give freely of yourself.

I very much appreciate your posts, and hope we do actually meet in the near future, either socially or professionally.

Reply

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