By Kendra Holliday | May 28, 2011
This story is in response to an amazingly erotic experience my partner Matthew had. You can read his version here.
How this all unfolded is a perfect example of a belief I have:
The goal of current relationships is to heal the wounds of past relastionships.
|Jealousy is all the fun you think
Matthew left me to join our friend Sophia for drinks. I figured they would flirt, circle and sniff each other, and build up their friendship for a possible future sexy encounter, which would hopefully include me, since I was terribly attracted to her. Like 90% of the population. The only people not attracted to her would be straight women and asexuals. I’m certain even gay men would fall prey to her charms.
As usual, he sent me pics of his date – cleavage shots, suggestive updates, etc. It was the text I received around midnight that hijacked my heard and set it hammering:
I just came in her mouth.
My heart didn’t stop racing for 16 hours.
I was caught off guard. We have both played with other people separately countless times, but this instance triggered internal alarms, because it so closely mirrored a traumatic event that happened to me five years ago.
Quick summary: I was dating a young guy. We were in an open relationship full of intense moments – cross dressing parties, a lame mfm, me ejaculating all over him, me using his apartment for a threesome while he was at work, him going to a gay bar and picking up a guy just to see what it was like…a lot of wild ‘n crazy fun was packed into six months
I introduced him to a grifrliend of mine, as I thought they would hit it off. They hit it off so well, that one day on his way over to my house to spend the night, he turned around and went to her place instead, moved in with her, called me to tell me it was over, and I never saw him again.
It turns out he was just going along with all the openness. He was lying his way through the whole masquerade ball. It was an open and dishonest relationship. The disrespectful way I was treated left me wounded for months afterward.
He ended up getting matching tattoos with his new soulmate, got her pregnant, then abandoned her, moving across the country. His deceptive joyride left her stripped and wrecked – turns out I got off easy.
The text from Matthew triggered all the parallels from the past to line up with the present in my mind, and it locked my brain into panic mode.
I said to myself, he won’t be coming home. I’m losing him. What have I done?
Sophia was SUCH a goddess – beautiful on the inside AND out. She had looks, brains, and personality, as well as magic powers. She had him under her spell. No mortal man or woman could resist her. I was fucked.
He sent me a pic of her perfect pussy. I salivated nervously and wondered who-what-where-when?
It turns out he did come home a couple hours later, but he was in a daze. “I don’t know what just happened,” he announced, “but it was fucking amazing.”
We stayed up for another hour sorting through the lascivious details. I was so confused.
“Did you fuck in your car?”
“No, we fucked on the bar.”
“You fucked on the bar?!”
“It was after hours. I didn’t actually fuck her. The bartender joined in.”
“You had a threesome?!”
“Yeah, he was pretty cool.”
“Wait, the bartender’s a guy?!” I was picturing a female bartender.
He was drained, I was turned on, he helped me get off, then he passed out. I was so glad he came home, but was uneasy. All night long I listened for his breathing.
The next morning I sucked his cock and sat on his face, but he didn’t get off. Oh god, he’s not attracted to me anymore, I fretted.
It turns out his head was pounding with a hangover. Meanwhile, my heart was pounding. He left my house, still in a fog.
We talked on the phone a while later, and he still seemed out of it, as if his mind was elsewhere.
With a sinking feeling, I hung up. I felt like calling him back a dozen times, but I resisted. I didn’t want to appear needy. Instead, I let my mind race, attempting to process what happened and analyze every detail.
I adore my imagination, but sometimes it can be a curse. Every time I reminded myself of all the times he said to me, “I’m not going anywhere. I am here. You are my Number One. I love you like I have loved no other,” my mind quickly replaced it with an irrational comparison to my past trauma. THAT guy told me he loved me and discussed future plans with me up to the last day I saw him.
By afternoon, I was picturing Matthew and Sophia walking in a park holding hands. Jealousy is all the fun you think they’re having. I was making myself sick planning their future together, and frantically listing all that I held so dear and would lose when I became yesterday’s news. Oh god, the thought of losing Matthew was unbearable, but if that was what would make him happy, so be it.
With a ragged sigh, I took all the things about our relationship I have a deep appreciation for and turned them inside out, exposing all the raw nerves. It made me realize that underneath all that pleasure lies the potential for great pain.
I masturbated four times that day out of sheer nerves. I pictured them fucking in various ways – her riding him and smugly conquering him, him savagely hatefucking her until she bled, me in his body fucking her and cumming inside her, me watching helplessly as they fucked from afar…
Right as I was about to puke with anxiety, he called me back. He had a chance to recover and was feeling better.
I plunged into my speech. “Look, I want you to tell me if you’re feeling differently about us. Please don’t hide your feelings from me. Let’s keep things open and honest.”
He listened calmly as I told him what was haunting me. I felt so vulnerable. My mouth was dry.
When I finished unloading, he said to me with the utmost kindness and patience, “My Queen, I wish I was there in person with you right now. As soon as we can, I want to be touching you. Looking in your eyes. I do not feel insulted in the least that you bring up your past break up. You are not comparing me to him, you are comparing the situation and your feelings. The parallel makes sense and is emotionally relevant. I am confident these feelings will pass in the very near future. You will see, my Love. I’m not going anywhere.”
And just like that, my heart found peace and slowed down to soak up his soothing words. I felt relief wash over me.
The next day we made plans for an intimate reconnection. We were going to the Botanical Gardens. I was in the bathroom putting on makeup when he walked up behind me and said with a smile, “Are we going clubbing?”
HA! He was right. It was an insecure move on my part. I only put on makeup for modeling and nights out on the town. I didn’t need to wear makeup for a walk in the garden. He liked me just the way I am.
I put down the eye shadow and shyly took his hand.