More Than Two: Practical Polyamory Book

By Kendra Holliday | September 18, 2013

More Than Two book

More Than Two book

Two weeks left to contribute to this polyamory guide crowdfunding campaign!

A word from my friend, Franklin, about his book project:

My partner Eve and I are aiming our book at complete newcomers to polyamory; our goal is to provide a practical, useful, in-the-trenches set of tools for making multiple romantic relationships work.

A lot of poly books are either personal memoirs (like Jenny Block’s excellent book “Open“) or surveys of how different people do polyamory (like Tristan Taormino’s “Opening Up“), but what we haven’t seen anywhere is the book that says “okay, so you want to do this poly thing; now what? What problems might you encounter? What solutions work? What solutions seem good in theory but don’t work? How can you define the difference? What tools can you use to put together stable, functional plural relationships? What makes up the ‘ethical’ part of ‘ethical non-monogamy’? What are strategies that help when things run off the rails?”

Honestly, I prefer personal memoirs because I’m a human interest junkie. I haven’t read Jenny Block’s book, but I have read a few others, such as Sadie Smythe, Chester Brown (a very, ahem, different sort of non-monogamy), and Cheryl Cohen Greene. But WOW there are so many people out there who are new to polyamory and are eager to explore it – they need guidance.

About Franklin:

I’ve been polyamorous my entire life, in the sense that monogamy has never made much sense to me. I can remember hearing a fairy tale when I was very young, about a princess forced to choose between two handsome princes. I recall thinking “well, princesses live in castles, everyone knows that. And castles are big enough for both princes. So why does she have to choose?”

I started the practice of non-monogamy from the moment I started becoming aware that boys and girls are different; I took two girls to my high school prom, and lost my virginity in a threesome.

Along the way, I’ve made just about every mistake it’s possible to make in polyamorous relationships, struggled with feeling like I was the only person in the world who felt this way about love and romance, and been forced to confront a great deal of social convention that ran counter to what I wanted my life to look like. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

About Eve:

I’ve had about 15 years of monogamous relationships, a 13-year (so far) marriage that has been poly for about half its duration (the latter half), and a number of other poly relationships.

My approach to poly has changed radically over the years: from that early experience at 16, to first hearing the word “polyamory” in 1998, to my husband’s and my first swingers’ party in 2006, to our current multiple long-term, committed relationships. And being poly has radically changed me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of hard lessons. I’m writing this book to share those experiences with anyone who is struggling to maintain ethical multiple relationships with integrity, compassion and courage, in the hopes they may help you on your way.

Franklin and I have debated on various polyamorous approaches. I have a primary partner structure. It works for us.

However, Franklin points out, “I actually started out from a couple-centric, primary/secondary approach, in part because back then there weren’t any poly communities, and my wife at the time was only reluctantly non-monogamous. It took quite a while for me to see the damage these arrangements could do to my other partners, and how essentially what the focus on primacy did was shift the risk involved in being open to multiple romantic relationships off of my wife and I and onto anyone who became romantically entangled with either or both of us.”

Hmm. Interesting… I have a feeling I will learn a lot reading this guide book. I can’t wait for it to come out.

 

Comments

polynewb 2013-09-18 20:25:01

Wow it’s about time; a book of this nature is long overdue!

Reply

Anna 2013-09-19 11:39:18

What about Wendy-o-matik’s Redefining Our Relationships? A quick read for any noob (and full of logical things like respect that many seem to forget about).

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2013-09-19 20:17:40

      Bob 2013-10-02 18:16:44

      So, I saw this link and followed it to a great read. Wendy is really good at the basics. While she almost always evolves into a discussion of sex, she starts with relationship. This is different than much of the stuff I read that begins with the sexual attraction and may or may not result in developing a relationship. What she says about relationships is right from Brene’s playbook. It is all about having the Courage To Be, then having the courage to be with others, and to touch and be touched (and not necessarily physical touching tough that is fun too), which is what vulnerability is all about. It is about being “whole hearted”, which is the essential component for successful monogamous relations, non-monogamous relations, or even remaining single and being happy with who you and where you are in life.
      So don’t interpret the above to mean I don’t value sex. I do. The Bonobo’s and their matriarchal society, demonstrate the value of sex. But rather than focusing on the superficial act of sex that they use to start every joint project, I think the key is that sex is used as “play” that relaxes us and opens us up to options we will never see absent the “play time”. I would suggest that people view another TED speaker at the link; http://www.ted.com/talks/stuart_brown_says_play_is_more_than_fun_it_s_vital.html
      So, I know this is a long winded response but I really liked the book and wanted to thank Kendra for posting it. Shalom
      PS- The absence of play time is common amongst the shooters in the majority of mass shootings that date from The Texas Tower shooter forward. So more sex saves lives!

      Reply

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