By Kendra Holliday | June 15, 2011
A micropenis is an unusually small penis, no bigger than two inches long fully erect. Mike Rowedick, 43, shares his shocking account that shows how something small can play such a huge role negatively impacting someone’s mental health.
Is having a micropenis really that bad? Surely there are women out there who would like companionship and aren’t terribly interested in penis/vagina intercourse. Plus you can make up for it in different ways, can’t you? Like toys, oral, etc.?
I have met some women online who claimed to want to marry me because they said that my micropenis wouldn’t bother them. They want a partner but they either have no real interest in sex or they say that we could work around my problem by using toys and oral sex.
But I have no interest in being in a relationship if my partner has to make special allowances and work around my problems because I’m not a normal man like her previous partners. There is no attraction for me in having a relationship when it would just constantly make me feel inferior to all her previous partners.
I would be more depressed if I was reminded everyday that I am not able to give her what her previous partners had and it would make me feel like more of a failure than if I were to remain alone.
Oh come on, no hope in ever having a relationship?
If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t even be able to get aroused because I hate the thought of someone that I cared about laughing at me. My partner might suggest using toys or oral sex but I would never become aroused by this.
I know there are women who claim that a micropenis wouldn’t bother them, but it is of no benefit to me. The damage has been done. I can’t undo 20 years of subconscious conditioning.
When women get to know me first and I tell them about it, they all say they would never judge a man by the size of his penis, and they are disgusted at the fact that so many women would treat me like that.
But in reality, every woman – when she does not know the man and sees his micropenis – will burst out laughing or she will be totally repulsed.
Have you tried prostitutes? They tend to be more open and understanding about sex.
I have paid over 1500 prostitutes. I always told them before about my deformity but I found they were still shocked and disgusted when they actually saw me. I would often try to have intercourse but I am just too small so most of the time I would end up just getting a handjob and they would sit as far away from me on the bed as they could and reach out and try to jack me off with 2 fingers for a few minutes but would then complain that their arm was sore and then they would tell me that I should do it myself. So I would end up paying to jack myself off and they would sit there and laugh or tell me that they had seen babies with a bigger penis.
I kept trying to have intercourse with prostitutes because I desperately wanted to feel like a man. I hated the constant teasing, laughing and humiliation but I convinced myself that I should just ignore the humiliation and I would pay them double the price to try and make them more willing to touch me.
I would speak with the madam beforehand and tell her about my problem and I didn’t want to pick a woman only to find out later that she was really grossed out and refused to touch me. So I would go into a room and lie naked on the bed. The girls were then sent in one at a time to meet me and gawk at my micropenis. The madam would then let the girls decide who would have to be with me. This way I would get the woman who was the least repulsed.
I ended up developing a humiliation perversion. I was subconsciously taking it all on board and effectively training myself to become aroused when women were repulsed at the sight of me or when they humiliated me.
So your negative experiences with sex led you to develop SPH (Small Penis Humiliation)?
Yes, the only way I could be aroused is by humiliation. I have found that many men like SPH and it is often just a normal healthy perversion but usually only with guys who are still in the average penis size range. I have read of guys who were 8 inches who liked to be teased about being small. Obviously he knew he wasn’t small and he had a normal sex life and he didn’t suffer from low self esteem but he was somehow aroused by the SPH.
Most guys who are like me and have a genuine micropenis that is too small to be able to have intercourse have usually developed the SPH perversion from continual exposure to constant humiliation that they at first hated but eventually become accustomed to.
The humiliation was always present when there was any form of sexual activity. So for some men SPH is just a healthy kink, but for me and others like me it is a mental illness.
I need a large amount of sedatives before I even attempt to go anywhere in public because I feel totally inferior to every other man that I see because I cannot have sex. I also feel like every woman that I see knows that I have a micropenis and is laughing at me. I have been unable to work for the last 7 years because of this. I live alone and rarely leave my house. I can’t even go outside and mow my lawn from fear of neighbors looking at me.
Have you sought professional help?
He said that I would be able to have a normal relationship if I found the right woman. He suggested that I was only being humiliated because they were prostitutes and somehow he seemed to think that prostitutes were not regular women and that they would be nastier and less sympathetic. (My opinion is that they are just normal women and just because they choose the sex industry as their job does not make them any different than any regular woman.) But I thought I would put this to the test. I started camming on heaps of different sites. To be honest, I wanted my psychiatrist to be right but I knew I would be proving him wrong.
What happened when you cammed with regular women?
What I discovered was that these “normal” women, who were not prostitutes, were far meaner and nastier and much quicker to humiliate me than the prostitutes were. This was when I realised that I was becoming aroused when I was being humiliated.
In 3 years of camming, over 3000 women have seen me on cam. Every single woman laughed and teased and humiliated me about my micropenis.
I once had a woman I met on one of the camming websites tell me she was very sympathetic towards me. I logged into the site in a different name and I opened her cam and watched her. She opened my cam and saw my penis and she burst out laughing and had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself laughing.
She removed her hand from her mouth and just stared at my penis. She then said “Fucking gross” and closed my cam. I never told her that it was me but I found out her true thoughts of a micropenis.
That’s nothing compared to this. One day I was in a chat room with about 20 women all viewing my cam and laughing at me. They started telling me I should kill myself because I would never satisfy any woman and I wasn’t a real man.
They kept telling me to cut my wrists on cam so they could laugh at me while I died.
So I did.
I cut both my wrists on cam. They all started telling me to cut my pathetic little penis off because it was good for nothing and I should fully make myself into the big girl that I was and then to cut my throat.
But when I cut both my wrists I felt a huge endorphin rush and the most intense feeling of peacefulness. I took a deep breath, leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes and with the exhalation of that breath I felt all my pain, anger, humiliation and stress leaving my body from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
As I felt the stinging on my arms and watched my blood flow from the cuts in my skin, sounds became clearer and more intense, colors became brighter and more vibrant, and my sense of smell even seemed to be heightened.
This was when I first realized what an incredible feeling I could get from cutting myself. I just left the chat room and I have been cutting ever since. I attempted suicide twice and I regularly cut myself with a scalpel.
Do you miss the human touch?
I used to sometimes crave human touch, but after years of seeing how repulsed women are when having to touch me, I seem to have gotten over that and now I cannot stand anyone touching me. I can’t stand when I go shopping and the checkout chick hands me my change and her hand touches mine. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and all the memories of those poor women with repulsed looks on their faces comes flooding back and I feel really bad for the checkout chick.
What did you finally decide to do about your situation?
I found myself a copy of MIMS and started researching drugs that would eradicate my sex drive. I found Androcur and I asked my Psychiatrist to prescribe it. I am in Australia and the only requirement to be prescribed the drug was sexual urges that resulted in my normal daily functioning being severely interfered with and my Psychiatrist agreed to prescribe it.
It can cause liver cancer, weight gain, gynecomastia and heart disease. The Australian government considered it for compulsory use on paedophiles but it was considered to be too harmful and far too cruel a punishment for any human so it was never approved.
Overall, I think it was the only decision I could make. There is no solution for micropenis. I have looked into surgery in Australia, The United States and Thailand and nothing can be done.
I am sorry you have endured such hardship.
Please don’t insult my intelligence by offering expressions of sympathy or telling me that you are shocked and you would never judge a man by the size of his penis. I have lived the reality.
I have nothing against all the women who humiliated me all my life. I have come to realize that it is just human nature to laugh and tease someone who is different and having a micropenis is one difference that is life destroying.