Men Want to be Desired, Too!
By Kendra Holliday | March 15, 2023
THIS ARTICLE really inspired me. A therapist shared about how men try to be close with their partner through sex, and how being rejected, or even having to always initiate sex, can be so discouraging and disheartening.
Here’s the thing – someone up in the sky is playing a big joke on us, and they’re using our social construct and hormones as trickery!
Most men of all ages experience spontaneous desire – they wake up feeling horny and activated, and walk around all day seeing sexy things and feeling inspired. This is due to their higher testosterone level, and the fact that society paves the way for men to go after what they want.
Women, on the other hand, have responsive desire. They are trained to hold back, be demure, and once they are introduced to an erotic situation, then they start to feel aroused. Women also need to feel safe and comfortable in order to relax into full arousal.
Of course, these are gross generalizations and a very binary approach, but for the sake of concision, I’m not going to spend a lot of time qualifying language, but you get the gist.
Men are pretty much ready to rock much of the time, and women are more reticent. They need more stars to align for them to be open to sexy time.
So, what do we do about this? We make concerted efforts to shake things up!
First of all, we need to recognize that HORMONES ARE REAL. They influence our moods and health in ways we don’t realize.
Second, we need to change the social construct. It’s impossible to overhaul the entire system, but we as individuals can make a difference on a local level.
Men complain about having to initiate sex all the time, but women don’t get a chance! They’re too exhausted to get ahead of the curve.
Men: Think of ways you can help the woman you want to be with feel safe, supported, relaxed. How can you help her?
Women: when men help you, DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Take note and be grateful!
(Notice how we often have sex more when we’re on vacation. This is because the woman isn’t having to manage the household and clean constantly. She’s getting a break.)
On a recent vacation with my partner, we were driving along the coast in our rented convertible. I was feeling so happy and grand! I got an idea – I texted my partner, “I’m so horny for your dick!”
The next time he checked his phone, he almost pulled over right there!
But instead, when we got back to our room that night, he was so fired up he fucked me on the balcony overlooking the sleepy beach town. It was soo hot and naughty feeling the delicious breeze on our skin.
Talk about a win-win situation!
The takeaway here is:
MEN: Help and support women more.
WOMEN: Let your men know they are sexy and desired. Figure out what your Love Languages are, and get creative with it!
DO NOT SETTLE into an ordinary life. Don’t get sucked into the grind. A healthy relationship is GIVE and GIVE.
Break out of the vicious cycle of resentment. THINK OUTSIDE THE CAGE.
Miss_Scarlet 2019-10-23 14:35:56
I was just talking to my therapist about the new iteration of 1950s households where the wife is expected to not only cook, clean, raise the kids, and manage the bills, but also work a full time job. Meanwhile, her husband gets to sit in his man cave and relax after working all day. Women are tired after work too! No wonder we don’t want to have sex with our husbands, we’re too exhausted and resentful.
Joan Price 2019-10-23 21:25:22
What a lovely blog post that helps us see how to reconcile our sexual differences. I love the way you presented it as “what does your partner need?” instead of being at odds with each other or having to put our own nature aside to please another. Well done, Kendra.
David 2019-10-24 11:16:37
Dear Kendra: Thank you for your two VERY helpful blogs, “Men Want to be Desired, Too” and “Married and Missing Something” helped me understand the differences between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Because of your blogs, I need to be more patient and more understanding with my lovely wife and I will definitely help and support my wife more than ever. I am glad she finally understands that my RAGING hormones are hard to ignore, if she is not in the mood, then I can resort to “a date with Rosy Palm”! LOL. Believe it or not, she is okay with me masterbating without any shaming and I do hope she walks in and watch me…that will be a huge turn on for me and hopefully, she will join me. Kendra,thank you for your valuable advices, all your hard work and we are very fortunate to have you and your friends for creating sexuality awareness and freedom for all.
Chris 2019-10-30 08:01:32
A very constructive approach and outlook you offer here about intimate relationships. According to one reasoned and researched estimate of the difference between men and women, in general, in this regard, men are six times as likely as women to be spontaneously aroused. Looked at one way, during a boring work meeting as a presenter drones on, for every woman sitting in the conference room fantasizing about sex or secretly touching herself under the table, there are six men sitting at that table doing the same thing. I’m not sure how we resolve the workplace behavior dilemma, but reinforcing that thinking something and saying/doing it are two very different things is a start. That and I’m glad that its a boring set of PowerPoint slides being projected onto the screen and not my not-PG-rated thoughts being projected up there.
In the context of an intimate relationship, its also worth noting that a man may be ready to get busy at the drop of a hat, the sound of the doorbell, or for no apparent reason, but once a woman is aroused what it takes to satisfy her is likely going to take the more than the five minutes he needs to get off.
Patrick Esslinger 2023-03-15 08:14:27
That’s right men want to be desired too. My wife and I have been married 20yrs and our sex life has been okay for several yrs. She has never really been “into” sex or “I just don’t need it like you do”. Recently it has been few and far between. She often tells me I need a girlfriend. After talking about it, she’d be fine with it, however she has rules to follow. I’ve asked her to come to LS meet and greets for ENM with her saying she’s interested but won’t come. So we’ve never been. I have needs and desires that I’d like to explore, but just figure out how. Maybe a surrogate partner would help. She just might be okay with it if it’s on the level.
Thanks for giving me a space to talk.
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