By Kendra Holliday | October 15, 2015
My guy is an ass man. Which is great because he loves my ass. What’s not so great is that he also loves to fuck my ass. I do not enjoy anal sex, but it’s something I would like to be able to do happily for him. We do it twice a year, but I know he’d like it more even if he isn’t actively asking for it more. The reason he isn’t actively asking is because he knows I don’t enjoy it, which is a turn off for him. There are two things I’d like your advice on.
First, I really want to be a good partner for him and give him great anal sex, but that seems to require that I enjoy it. Though I willingly give it, the act itself is so unpleasant for me that I tend to go silent during it, which is a big, obvious difference from my usually vocal self and a huge clue that I’m not enjoying myself the way he would like. Frankly, when I’m quiet I’m just trying to keep it together (“relax, relax, breath, don’t breath too fast, relax, relax, etc”). We’re trying some things to make it more enjoyable/tolerable for me: he always makes me cum first, I enjoy it when he rims me, pot (helped me with the last guy, haven’t tried it here yet), I’ve used a vibe during (did nothing to help), him using fingers first (almost as weird/uncomfortable feeling as the real thing), and yes we use tons of lube. But at the end of the day, do I just have to buck up and moan for him?
Second, he believes that everyone is equally capable of enjoying anal sex. Therefore, I should be able to enjoy it as much as all the porn stars do in all the anal porn he watches. I do not believe this is true at all, and when he says things like this I get the impression that he thinks I’m simply not trying hard enough to enjoy it; which is bullshit and makes me feel like he doesn’t appreciate the fact that anal sex is highly uncomfortable for me and I’m basically doing it just to be a good partner (it certainly doesn’t do anything for me). It’s like “Duh! Of course I would like to enjoy it, right now it sucks!” Who’s right, is anal sex for everybody or can it simply not be for somebody?
Anal sex is really his only non-vanilla desire when it comes to sex, and he’s been so good about accommodating my kinks/desires that I hate that I can’t seem to give him exactly what he wants in this one arena. This isn’t threatening our relationship at all, it’s just highly disappointing when it comes up. I know that anal is something you’ve “struggled” with as well, so I hoped you’d have some advice for me.
Time for a confession: I’m in the same anal boat as you. The only difference is, my man could take or leave anal sex.
For some men and women, getting fucked in the ass is easy, but not for me! Even Tristan Taormino’s anal sex guide didn’t help me out much. I truly believe that due to unique physiology and/or mental state, some people are not equipped for easy anal play. That’s not to say it’s impossible, however. As Toni Bentley pointed out in her memoir The Surrender, “The ass does not lie.”
I REALLY wanted to be a three hole slut, so over the course of a decade, I went from trying and failing a few yucky times to doing it once in a blue moon (big ordeal but successful) to doing it every couple months or so. I FINALLY got used to the sensation of a dick sliding in my ass, even pounding it. It took persistence and practice. But to be honest, after I achieved that goal, I put it on the back burner since it’s not a big deal for me.
Is it worth all the effort? Well, I’ve had some of my most intense orgasms via anal sex, so I say YES.
My friend offers these tips:
* Of course, use lots of lube (experiment with brands and types, some are more anal friendly).
* Give lots of stimulation in the general area first. Don’t go straight for insertion. Move lubed fingers around, and press and stroke rather than poking or prodding.
* Go slooooowly.
* When the head of the penis is in, just wait. Move in a gently rocking motion, rather than thrusting or pushing. Have him push his penis down, i.e. towards your vagina, instead of up towards your tailbone. Have him move his penis side to side a little bit.
* When you want it further in, push out like you’re (and there really isn’t a nice way to talk about doing a poo) going for a large dump. This makes the muscles on all the overlapping sphincter muscles relax in unison (it’s when they don’t relax that it hurts). This is a secret trick!
* Don’t feel like you have to do it! Don’t do it because somebody else wants to fuck you in the ass and you’re half-hearted!
* Only do it because you WANT to – you like how it feels (or think you will) or you love the naughty idea of it (etc) and would like to try it out.
If you’d like to warm up with toys, I suggest the Flexi Felix anal bead toy or a Crystal Delight butt plug – they come in various sizes and gorgeous designs. Glass is very easy to clean. You can also put a condom on your butt toys.
I did a fun podcast on anal sex with Life on the Swingset that’s worth a listen.
As for hygiene, it’s nice to be assured that you have a clear passage. Sometimes I’ll give myself an enema beforehand using one of those cheap disposable ones from any drugstore, but I replace the fluid it comes with with lukewarm tap water. More often though, I’ll stick a soapy finger in my ass in the shower or bath to check things out. Throw a towel down on the bed if you’re worried about leaving a mark. Experiment with different positions – some will work better than others.
Don’t give up if it’s important to you. Your body changes, evolves, matures. You may well find out someday that you can have anal sex easier with a different partner.
Most importantly, pay attention to your mental state. Just an observation, but the women I know who are anal easy tend to be laid back, and the women who are anal shy tend to be high strung (me).
I harbor fear in my ass, and it causes my muscles to tense and my ass to clamp down. With coaching from my partner, I have learned to overcome the psychological hang ups I have about anal. With his loving support, I’ve learned to relax, breathe deeply, and be open to the sensations. Like a reverse birth coach!
Please share your best anal tips. What works for you?
BONUS LINK: Ten Rules of Anal Sex, by Jack Morin, Ph.D.