“Help Me Get Laid!”

By Kendra Holliday | May 6, 2020

Hello! Do I know you?

The other day, I asked my friends for advice on how to deal with all the men who contact me looking for sex. I told them:

Since I’m so out there as a sex-positive activist and everyone knows I’m in touch with my sexuality, I get a lot of man contacting me requesting female energy/sex. I tell them that is a service I offer. With some of them, they are agreeable to my way of doing things, but others can’t or don’t want to pay for intimacy services, which is totally cool. It means we want different things, and they can go look somewhere else.

But here’s where it gets tricky. Some move on, but some dig in and ask me for a bunch of free dating advice (I offer consults as a service as well), or, even worse, they plead with me to help them find women to have sex with for free. This baffles me – are they asking me how to date? Do they think I have a closet full of sexy women to go to and pull one out and give to them?

Men: How do you find women who want to have sex with you?

Women: Where are you? Why are you hiding? They can’t find you. Are you wanting to have sex with men? Are you picky, or will you get with almost anyone who asks?

I give them a couple quick suggestions and resources, and then usually I just have to stop replying to their messages.

To be clear, some of the men are entitled and lazy, but others have additional challenges such as anxiety, autism, disability, or social awkwardness.

Below, I’m going to share with you my suggestions, as well as advice from my friends. One female friend even wrote a guest post about it – you can read it here.

  1. Read this post written by my partner about flirting with women.
  2. Read this recap of a Sex-Positive Etiquette for Men discussion we held last year (we’ll host a similar one online soon; join Sex Positive St. Louis Meetup to learn details about that event and many others.)
  3. I often recommend the site Paging Dr. Nerdlove, as it offers tons of resources in the way of blog posts, advice column, podcasts… Speaking of podcasts, there are many great ones out there, including Savage Lovecast.
  4. Think about what you bring to the table besides your dick. In order to be attractive to others, you need looks, brains, and personality. Isn’t that what you want in a potential partner? Do you want her to be ugly, stupid, and boring, or do you want her to be beautiful, smart, and vivacious? And no, you don’t need to be a super buff Ken doll. People are attracted to many different things. You can look on YouTube for videos featuring interabled couples, dating with autism or anxiety, and many other channels led by influencers.
  5. You need to be good at things. What are your talents? What are you good at? Can you hold a conversation? Do you have a wide variety of interests? What do you create? Are you passionate about something? I often recommend this edgy article called 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person.
  6. Try to meet people in person. Join local organizations such as churches, volunteer orgs, continuing education classes, Meetup. Think more about shared values than interests. Keep in mind you’ll find more women at dance, gardening, and meditation classes than you will at, say, a model train convention.
  7. Try to meet people online. Do a keyword search using your area and “sex-positive” or “dating”. Join an online dating site or two. You can join all of them, or pick a couple – often you’ll see the same people with profiles on multiple platforms. In St. Louis, okcupid, Tinder, plentyoffish, Match, bumble, are all popular sites. Watch out for scams on random sites, don’t fall for bots or lonely women asking for your credit card…
  8. Let your friends and family know you are on the market and looking. Most jobs and other opportunities and connections are found via word-of-mouth.
  9. One of my female friends sighed, “So many men are energy vampires with little to no self awareness or desire to consider others’ needs. They can’t seem to get out of their own way.” Think about that. Are you a giver, a matcher, or a taker?
  10. Another female friend told me she often offers dating advice to men. She says, “In my experience, 98% of those men are just not interested at all in doing the work necessary to make themselves into desirable partners. They don’t want to do the work to improve what they offer to others, they don’t want to do the work to learn to treat women with respect as people, and they don’t want to take the risk of putting themselves out there.” The Work = ย therapy, books, communication classes, seminars, and effort to create the interactions resulting in a HUMAN connection. It requires time/money/emotional investment to become an emotionally mature/aware/actualized adult.

I’ll leave you with this advice from DeAnne Smith:

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