End of 2020 Reflections

By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2020

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If there is one word that summarizes this year for me, it would be “disrupted.”

As of March 2020, everything broke apart and turned upside down.

In normal years, I offer consultations and intimacy sessions, host play parties, and am co-leader for Sex Positive St. Louis, a not-for-profit org that was founded in 2010.

I listened to a podcast where they talked about “All That 2020 Has Taken From Us.”

Here’s my list, what’s yours?

Things 2020 Took From Me:

Gather around for a sex-positive storytime!

80% of my income (thank goodness for a few good men who have kept safely in touch this year)

My 20 year old cat – he died of a sudden brain tumor in Feb.

Sex Positive St Louis events – our annual clothing optional spring fling, our naked pool party, Fleshtivus, our 10 year anniversary celebration.

My birthday trip.

Our summer vacation.

My 19 year old cat – she died of mouth cancer last month.

My childhood home – I helped my dad move into an assisted living apartment and sell his home. We got rid of almost everything.

Most of my dad’s brain – his dementia has gotten so much worse the past few weeks.

My mental health – I’ve had a few breakdowns and bad days, but I’m feeling okay right now. Going to revisit my Sanity Plan next week!

The most frustrating thing I’ve had to deal with this year is impatient men who push my boundaries. They contact me, I state my protocol, and they immediately start to push my boundaries, whining about masks, trying to get as much of my time, energy and expertise as they can for as cheap as possible.

It’s a constant cycle of eager acolytes who contact me – I try to teach them how to light the candles, and they want to just rush in and burn down the church. It feels so disrespectful and is exhausting.

And trying to make plans during a pandemic is a fool’s errand. In previous years, I dealt with a 40% cancelation rate. This year, it’s more than 80%. And trying to negotiate safety protocol is exasperating. Most men pout about wearing a mask, and the ones who do agree, arrive with a neck gaiter or their mask under their nose. So, I’ve pretty much given up on in-person sessions.

With some men, I have remained patient, but I admit sometimes I gave them a scolding. Not sure how many bridges have been burned, and who I’ll want to see again next year.

I very much agree with adrienne maree brown, author of Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good – capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy are the three systems of society that make so many lives miserable and oppressed. Our government response to all the crises has been frustrating and disappointing.

All that said, I’m proud I made it through this year and have accomplished great things. I still have my house, am paying my bills, have food to eat, amazing loved ones and partners, and have avoided Covid. MANY of my friends have not been as fortunate. I know a lot of people right now whose family or health has been ravaged by Covid, have been unemployed and desperately poor, have lost loved ones, and are homeless. I’ve tried to help as many people as I can.

I’m looking forward to seeing how things unfold next year. Here’s hoping we’re not witnessing the beginning of the end!


David Wraith 2020-12-25 11:41:13

Love you!


Mark and Kat 2020-12-28 08:24:24

It’s people like you that keep us looking forward to next year! Hang in there…


Gary 2020-12-31 10:17:10

Glad you’re doing well. I haven’t worked since April but I’m surviving. Looking forward to a vaccinated world and seeing you again. Take care and stay safe.


Dave 2021-01-04 20:18:42

Hopefully some of the soil that’s been stripped bare by 2020, will prove to be fertile ground in 2021.


Philip Polo 2021-01-09 21:19:37

such sexy legs mmm


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