Why Creative Sex is Better Than Straight Sex
By Kendra Holliday | April 19, 2023
Category Archives: Society
Let me school you on creative sex…
Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”
Huh??
That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!
I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.
I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.
In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.
Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 12 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.
The Key to Good Sex!
You want to know why?
Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!
Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!
The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.
Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.
Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.
Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.
Men Want to be Desired, Too!
By Kendra Holliday | March 15, 2023
THIS ARTICLE really inspired me. A therapist shared about how men try to be close with their partner through sex, and how being rejected, or even having to always initiate sex, can be so discouraging and disheartening.
Basking in the glow of male energy
Here’s the thing – someone up in the sky is playing a big joke on us, and they’re using our social construct and hormones as trickery!
Most men of all ages experience spontaneous desire – they wake up feeling horny and activated, and walk around all day seeing sexy things and feeling inspired. This is due to their higher testosterone level, and the fact that society paves the way for men to go after what they want.
Women, on the other hand, have responsive desire. They are trained to hold back, be demure, and once they are introduced to an erotic situation, then they start to feel aroused. Women also need to feel safe and comfortable in order to relax into full arousal.
Of course, these are gross generalizations and a very binary approach, but for the sake of concision, I’m not going to spend a lot of time qualifying language, but you get the gist.
Men are pretty much ready to rock much of the time, and women are more reticent. They need more stars to align for them to be open to sexy time.
So, what do we do about this? We make concerted efforts to shake things up!
First of all, we need to recognize that HORMONES ARE REAL. They influence our moods and health in ways we don’t realize.
Second, we need to change the social construct. It’s impossible to overhaul the entire system, but we as individuals can make a difference on a local level.
Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
By Kendra Holliday | January 21, 2023
Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, by Dr. Michael J. Bader
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
Toxic Masculinity from a Sex Worker Perspective
By Kendra Holliday | December 11, 2022
Trust me, I’m a wise witch!
I’m going to preface this with the following disclaimer: I’m a witchy, woo woo, sex worker goddess, and this brain dump is going to sound crazy. I’m fine with that, as I fully embrace my hormonal mood swings and non-traditional way of thinking. I live in a society with lots of self-imposed cages, and my motto is “Think outside the cage.”
So, hear me out, let it all sink in, and let me know what you think!
Toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with white supremacy, and it’s making me sick. It’s making A LOT of us sick.
I’ve been diving deep into history, addiction, psychology, science, and more, and I’ve connected some dots.
Centuries ago, people from Europe set out and explored the world. They invaded many areas and took them over. They brought disease, death, and disruption to the people already living there.
They set up elaborate exports and imports of toxic trade – sugar, tobacco, alcohol, and slavery. They brought oppressive religions and destructive concepts that were deadly and divisive.
They declared that people, plants, animals, and places were all possessions. They put up fences, walls, and demanded territorialism.
They sought to control everything, and lived with a scarcity mindset. They instilled and lived in fear. They were hungry for power imbalance. They felt they were anointed by God, and thus justified in all their actions.
These things represent male energy: fire, cars, guns, alcohol, nicotine, conquering, destruction.
The Baking Kind
By Kendra Holliday | August 1, 2022
Remember this RFT article that shocked the local community twelve years ago? Take a moment to skim it, then let’s replace all the sex references with more innocuous FOOD references and see how it reads.
Not as shocking, ey? Why is that?
Special thanks to Ms. Melissa Meinzer and The Riverfront Times for permission to revise the article for conservative consumption.
——–
SFW: The St. Louis mom behind food blog The Baking Kind is outing herself
Kendra Holliday – The Baking Kind
Kendra Holliday is a total chef. Go right ahead and say it — she does. She’s not hiding from it anymore.
In some ways, she’s always been honest about it. She’s unflinchingly blogged every detail of her baking life for years — she’s a talented, aproned, joyously partnered divorced mother, living and writing and baking (and yeah, it’s a lot of baking) in St. Louis.
Her blog, www.thebakingkind.com, details all of it. It has made her into a celebrity of sorts. It has cost her a job. She’s called it her second partner.
The blog has become a safe space for food-positive readers in St. Louis and all over the world to come together. It’s created a virtual community, and Holliday and some of her foodie friends want to take that momentum and push the Midwest forward into greater culinary freedom and openness.
And it’s hard to do that when you’re hiding. So Holliday is coming out.
Tea time with The Baking Kind
Kendra Holliday is 38. She’s got the lithe glow of a long-time vegetarian.
She grew up outside Creve Coeur, in the house her parents still share with a dog and two cats. The house has photos of all five kids on the wall, alongside photos of nurse Mom and sailor Dad from the beginning of their 44 years of marriage.
In a lot of ways, Holliday’s early years were fairly conventional. She was a smart girl and in her school’s gifted program. Her siblings looked up to her then and still do now.
Order, togetherness and success are themes in her family’s history, just as much as the obvious love that its members share.
Holliday’s parents are happy to talk about her childhood, as they positively adore her. They recall entering her into a beauty contest in Texas when she was three and are still genuinely pleased that she won First Prize.
Cowboy Ethics
By Kendra Holliday | July 27, 2022
Do y’all know about Cowboy Ethics?
I keep the book by my bed, right next to the condoms, candles, and lube. It’s like my bible.
Do you follow The Code of the West?
It’s also like porn to me – totally sexy. People who possess Cowboy Ethics TURN ME ON.
So, what are these good qualities that make me drool and take notice?
I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!
Do the right thing.
Here’s what I’m talking about.
People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.
Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.
Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?
1. Live each day with courage.
Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.
Talking openly and honestly about my intensely personal and kinky sex life, and posting photos of myself naked – right down to my hairy armpits and shaved pussy – being intimate with the world, sharing myself with strangers – that takes courage.
Don’t be a coward. Face your fears. Replace the fear with LOVE.
This here cowgirl is tough!
2. Take pride in your work.
My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.
I take my passion seriously and have pride in my work. I give talks at universities and for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I host amazing events. I run a stellar volunteer organization. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.
You should always try to leave people, places, and things better than you found them.
It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?
I’ll Show You Mine
By Kendra Holliday | July 14, 2022
Remember that Pussy Project Matthew announced that was connected to this post he wrote? Unfortunately, he got sidetracked and it never came to light, despite an enthusiastic response from readers around the world.
Great news: I’m pleased to announce that I have found a similar project that has made it to beautiful fruition in the form of this book, I’ll Show You Mine, by Wrenna Robertson, a multiple degreed exotic dancer. “I’ll Show You Mine” is a photo study of female genitalia containing 120 life-size photographs of 60 women, all photographed from the same two positions. Each photo set is accompanied by the woman’s story, which reads more like a pussy poem, taking the reader on a brief, intensely emotional journey leading up to the glorious photograph.
In the book’s introduction, Wrenna states:
For much of human history, western society has perceived women’s genitals as shameful, unattractive and generally unpleasant. Women have been taught the the feminine ideal involves being as inoffensive as possible; polite and pretty, neat and tidy, chaste. While men are believed to have an innate sexual drive that cannot always be controlled, uncontained or inappropriately expressed sexuality in women is condemned.
Many of the women in this book report that they used to be ashamed of their genitals but have since overcome that early negative conditioning by society. One woman said her mother told her if she ran water over her vulva in the bathtub, she would get warts. Another woman’s boyfriend teased her for being too lippy.
Then again, other women have been blessed with very positive experiences that helped shape their body image acceptance, in the form of past appreciative lovers and spiritual healing centers.
One woman in the book, Emily, has only had her pussy for a year and a half – she had it created out of her original male genitals. If you’re ever wondered what reconstructed genitals look like, I think you’ll be impressed.
Some of the women use the term yoni for their pussy. Some folks find this too hippie dippy, but I like it. It describes the whole package, the entire sacred feminine vessel.
I pored over this book with my partner. I joked with him, “Do you wish this book was scratch-and-sniff?” He laughed, “Kindof.”
He dearly loves pussy. He embraces the fact that he came out of one and has spent his entire life revisiting the sacred place.
We played a game where we tried to find the pussy who most resembled mine, which has shaved puffy outside lips and just a little bit of inner lip sticking out like a impudent tongue, and trimmed bush on top. Hmm, maybe Alicia, the woman whose mother called vaginas “flowerpots.”
One woman featured expressed her extreme regret for overshaving for the photoshoot. She thought about backing out of the project, but decided to turn her rash razor stunt into a teaching moment for others, writing, “we are all beautiful just as we are. Don’t let anyone or anything change how you look naturally.”
As I read the book, I yearned to be a part of it. Good news – the book is a stepping stone in a fluid river of stories that can be added to the website.
I like how Tanya harkened our connection to nature with this sweet sentiment:
I think there are as many variations of a female flower in this world as there are actual flowers. There are roses, lilies, orchids, irises, gardenias, plumerias, carnations, daffodils, peonies, tulips…just to name a few. Every flower is exquisite and unique. If a flower’s petals are longer than another flower’s petals, does that make it ugly? No!
This book will last longer and be of more value to your loved one than any bouquet. If you have a pussy, yoni, flower – whatever you call it – do something nice for it to today. Show it some love. Give it some pleasure. Feed it something delicious. Make it feel ALIVE.
——
I donated this book to Shameless Grounds Sexuality Library, so please visit them and take a look for yourself!
Local and National Mental Health Support
By Kendra Holliday | July 12, 2022
I know this isn’t a sexy topic, but during this pandemic I’ve been getting lots of inquiries from desperately sad people. Some are suicidal.
I’m not a licensed therapist. My specialty is sex, not suicide. But I truly care about your health and happiness, and I’ve struggled with mental health my entire life, and have been suicidal myself.
Please browse this Links page under counseling for St Louis mental health professionals.
In addition, here are other resources:
National:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Just call 988. This is a brand new option.
Or
A free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Hopeline Network
Hopeline provides support with trained counselors through this national hotline to prevent suicide. 1-800-442-HOPE(4673)
Crisis Text Line
Crisis Text Line serves anyone, in any type of crisis, providing access to free, 24/7 support and information via a medium people already use and trust: text. Text, “HOME” to 741741
Military/Veterans Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255, press 1
KUTO (Kids Under Twenty-One)
Available to any youth needing assistance, staffed by youth volunteers
Trans Lifeline
Trans Lifeline is a grassroots hotline and microgrants 501(c)(3) non-profit organization offering direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis – for the trans community, by the trans community. 877-565-8860 https://www.translifeline.org/
LGBTQ Youth Suicide Hotline
Serving LGBTQ youth in crisis. 1-866-488-7386
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Make Love, Not Porn, Revisited
By Kendra Holliday | May 26, 2022
Ten years ago, I joined MakeLoveNotPorn.tv
after watching Cindy Gallop’s provocative TED talk (you can go watch it, it’s 4 min long). I wrote about it in this blog post from 2012.
And then, I wandered off, chasing butterflies, having adventures, making dreams come true, getting into trouble, lots of distractions…
Ten years later, I came across this interview by Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching, featuring MakeLoveNotPorn.tv’s Founder, Cindy Gallop…
and I instantly felt ENERGIZED
Here is why:
At the 2:50 mark, Dr. Martha came out of the gate very vulnerable, revealing something personal and emotional. I was immediately hooked.
Amateur Threesomes vs Professional Threesomes
By Kendra Holliday | May 6, 2022
The other day, a friend I’ve known for years texted me out of the blue:
“Hi Kendra! After years of celibacy, I’m finally having sex again! He’s amazing. We want to experience many things together, can you give me advice on hiring a sex worker for a threesome?”
Pay attention.
I was so excited for my friend! I let her know about these sites they could explore together, as well as searching twitter using keywords, such as #STL #GFE #datestl, (be sure and click on “latest” tab at the top):
https://www.escortdirectory.com/
https://www.theeroticreview.com/
I told her that if a couple is looking to hire a sex worker, it’s better for the woman to initiate contact, as that shows the worker she’s involved in the process and not being “dragged along.” I advised her to read the website instructions, and expect to be screened and pay a deposit.
Checking Myself into Rehab
By Kendra Holliday | February 13, 2022
“Rehabilitation is care that can help you get back, keep, or improve abilities that you need for daily life. These abilities may be physical, mental, and/or cognitive (thinking and learning). You may have lost these abilities because of a disease or injury…” – MedlinePlus
Perfect image of my mental state
I believe in being open and honest. I’m not in the business of lying to people. I’ve been telling everyone that I’ve been dealing with a family emergency, which is true – but this time, that family member is mostly ME.
I am not well. I am not fit for public consumption.
I can’t afford to check myself into a health spa in a beautiful location, but I can create my own care plan and rehabilitate at my beautiful little fairy cottage.
Kendra Holliday portraying vanilla. Photo by Stan Strembicki
I wish I had the foresight to plan ahead and take the entire month of March or April off, but instead, I had an emergency happen, and now I have to be reactive, instead of proactive.
No Room at the Inn
By Kendra Holliday | December 16, 2021
A very happy and shiny Kendra Holliday
Confession: My email inbox stocking is stuffed full of inquiries.
Right now, I have about 65 people waiting to hear from me, dating back two months. 🙁 I reply to as many as sweet souls as I can every day, in between sessions and other duties and obligations. (BTW: If you’re waiting for an email from me, check your spam folder. My domain name is blacklisted due to my web host allowing adult content.)
Ideally, I’d like to get back to people within 48 hours, but I’m just one person, and I often get sucked into my menopause mood swings and my dad’s illness – he has mid-stage dementia and I’m his primary care partner. I’ve learned that it is extremely draining to be someone’s quality-of-life support, someone’s seeing eye brain, someone’s backup human being. Even though he lives in assisted living, he depends on me for just about everything.
(As an aside, I’m astonished that I used to have FIVE creatures dependent on me – both my sick parents, my two old cats, and a daughter. All that is left is my dad. I swore to my mother on her death bed that I would take care of him, and I’ve assured him that I will be there for him, for as long as he needs me.)
So all this is to say, I try my best to help others in between my mental health issues and family duties. I’m eager to help people who understand and respect my process. 🙂
The Casting Couch
By Kendra Holliday | November 13, 2021
Queen Bee, by Hot Octopuss
I have many wonderful clients. One of my favorites is an older gentleman. We’ve been exploring together since 2013!
He’s sweet, considerate, brilliant, generous, respectful, easy going…I love him!
He greatly admires strong, intelligent women – for REAL, he’s not just saying that like so many other men do. His actions match his words.
We usually meet twice a month, alternating between talk and touch sessions. He’s the person I did the Orgasm Experiment with, and he’s a big fan of creative sex.
Usually, our sessions involve me taking on the role of a bossy, demanding woman, such as a stepmother or teacher or nurse. But every once in a while, he tries to get outside his comfort zone and he assumes the power position, such as creepy boss “Mr. Jones.”
Recently, he suggested this roleplay to me:
Whip Smart
By Kendra Holliday | August 23, 2021
Me playing Cruella de Vil
So, last month, I had a breakdown. I got really mentally and physically ill for a few days. I could barely function – my heart raced, my blood pressure was high, I was sobbing and puking, etc…
This wasn’t my first episode like this – I’ve had a few – due to menopause, hormones, overheating, stress, alcohol abuse, grief, family issues (my dad has dementia), burnout…
This time, I think what caused me to crash and burn was scheduling several intense sessions the week after I got back from vacation.
This is nothing against the lovely men I played with, or the scene topics, but I’ve found that some sessions affect me more than others.
My easy sessions involve surrogate work, TLC, sensual, playful topics.
The more challenging sessions for me these days involve more corporal, kinky, dark fantasies and roleplays. They’re a lot of fun, but they can be very draining, and sometimes it takes me a couple days to recover from the emotional hangover. It didn’t use to be that way – I used to move on quicker. That makes me wonder, is it worth it to me to do these types of sessions? Why do I feel more anxious before some sessions than with others?
I often hear from clients about a Dominatrix they were fond of, but the Domme retired “after a few months.” I wonder why that is? And how do some Dommes make it a decades-long career? Does it depend on their personality? (I’m an INFJ – I feel A LOT).
I decided to read Melissa Febos‘ book Whip Smart, her memoir about being a Dominatrix in NYC for three years. I was shocked and validated by what I read. I highly recommend you check it out.
How to Approach a Woman – Even if She is a Whore
By Kendra Holliday | August 19, 2021
Embrace your erotic side
I know this is going to sound silly coming from a sex worker, but I’ve finally figured out why I find eager, impatient men to be so off-putting.
I get so many men contacting me who want to go from zero to anal in less than an hour.
My whole mission as a sex surrogate is to teach people how to build intimacy and be a good partner, and guess what?
Building intimacy takes time.
I have an extremely reasonable process in place, but all too often I find myself being pushed along like meat on a conveyer belt, ready to be gobbled up, instead of savored.
A man will contact me, and he’ll get super excited when he finds out that I offer all kinds of sexual exploration experiences. He’ll want to do them ALL RIGHT AWAY.
But I’ve learned that I need time to build a relationship with someone, in order to feel comfortable and for things to be authentic. Otherwise, I feel like I’m forced into a performance, and it leaves me feeling yucky afterward, and a relationship that was initiated with such promise and potential becomes tainted, and I have to cut it off in order to protect myself.
Kendra Holliday portraying vanilla. Photo by Stan Strembicki
Here are my biggest turns offs:
Pushiness/eagerness
Impatience
Stinginess
Immaturity
Entitlement
Here’s what turns me ON:
Patience
Maturity
An attitude of gratitude
A generous spirit
I find that the most rewarding encounters I have are with clients who have allowed me to set the pace for building intimacy. I have amazing relationships with clients I’ve been seeing for years. We’ve made so many fantasies come true together!
Here is how to spoil things quickly:
Contact me
Complain about my policies
Grumble about my rates
Try to penetrate orifices immediately
Push boundaries
Disregard feelings and safety
Here is how to create a lasting relationship with me:
Contact me
Be respectful
Respect my process
Be generous and value my time
Truly appreciate my openness and female energy
Savor the present moment
