By Kendra Holliday | January 29, 2020
Category Archives: Society
Have you ever visited a men’s health clinic? You know, the kind you hear advertised on the radio for men who have lost their mojo – low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, infertility, etc.
I’ve never been to one, but a lot of my clients have, and it’s crazy what they tell me!
I’m all for having options, but it seems like things can get pretty invasive, pretty quickly, and for a pretty penny! And it’s all pretty silly, in my opinion. They’ll charge a man hundreds of dollars to do “wave therapy” on his penis, which is like putting a fancy medical vibrator on his dick.
I’d say that 80% of the men who come to me with erectile dysfunction are dealing with a psychological issue, not a physical one, but these clinics are quick to prescribe pills and even injections in the penis.
Yes, these things can work, but they are expensive chemicals and you don’t want to become dependent on them. They’ll set a man up with an expensive little cock shot kit he has to carry around with him and keep refrigerated. The kit includes tiny needles and a vial of liquid you inject into the side of the penis. You want to make sure you alternate where you inject, or else you can create scar tissue and damage the penis.
I think it’s better to back up and try more natural, less invasive methods first. Of course, that requires patience and a different kind of vulnerability.
Speaking of pills, there’s a male supplement out there called “Alpha King” – can you get any more buzzword than that? And all these tricks and gimmicks use all these slick science words for marketing purposes – “our product contains significantly more bioavailable sapogenins…”
And what’s with the male clinics that boast of an all-male staff, or female staff (this urology clinic staff lineup reminds me of a Hooters harem!)? Are most of the men coming to these clinics straight, or gay, or a combination? I’m just wondering.
Do they acknowledge andropause and how aging can naturally shift a person’s sexuality, which is not a bad thing? (For more on this, I highly recommend the teachings of my mentor, Joan Price, who specializes in ageless sexuality.)
All this virility fear-mongering can be misguided and exploitative. Toxic masculinity? Why, we have a pill for that…
Anyway, here are some books I use in my sex surrogate practice – replace the fear with love!
I try to teach men how to be mindful instead of “mind-filled,” and to open themselves up to the pleasures associated with experience-based sex (as opposed to goal-based or performance-based sex.)
What do you think? Have you been to any of these clinics? What do you like or don’t like about them?
By Kendra Holliday | January 18, 2020
I saw this stupid list titled 100 Foods You Should Eat Before You Die on a food blog, and was NOT impressed. Cocktails? Frito pie? Spam? Really? I’m sorry, but I don’t think you need to eat Spam before you die.
So, my omnivorous partner and I (me = a sushitarian, which means I’m vegetarian but eat sushi once a month, or more, depending on whether you buy me some or not) came up with a better version of the list, which is below. I’m no foodie, but I’m a hardcore worldly sensualist, so there you have it. I know this post is not sex-related, but it’s going to be linked to another post that is.
How many of these things have you tried? Do tell! And then next time, we’ll dig a little deeper…
1. Chocolate covered strawberries
2. Fried okra
4. Eggplant parmesan
5. Bagel & Lox
7. King crab legs
8. BBQ ribs
9. Young coconut
12. Black Truffle
17. Cheese Fondue
18. Habanero pepper
19. Vegetable korma
20. Chile relleno
21. Chilled cherry soup
23. New England Clam Chowder
26. Crickets, larvae, locusts, or some other insect
27. Garlic stuffed olives
28. Dandelions (leaves, flowers or roots)
29. Fresh pineapple
By Kendra Holliday | January 7, 2020
Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”
That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!
I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.
I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.
In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.
Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 11 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.
You want to know why?
Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!
Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!
The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.
Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.
Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.
Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.
By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2019
You know what gives a sex worker a serious case of frosty burnout? An onslaught of timewasters and disrespectful horny men.
It’s winter now, and I’ve been dealing with a bone chilling, relentless dick blizzard.
It’s enough to make my pussy FRIGID.
Baby, it’s cold outside. Don’t be all rapey, virtual, or otherwise.
I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting. Other women are opting out – they’re had enough and are done with dick – which makes more men cluster up, desperate and eager, their testosterone levels sloshing out and flinging on anyone they can access.
If you want to warm a woman up, make her feel comfortable and respected.
If you want to wear a woman out, be pushy and insensitive.
Believe me, I LOVE sex and men and doing what I do, but when it comes to the creepers, it goes like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my horny fans sent to me:
12 Dicks Drumming
Eleven Pricks Piping
Ten Dicks a Leaping
Nine Dongs Dancing
Eight Dicks a Milking
Seven Dicks a Swimming
Six Cocks a Laying
Five Golden DIIIIIIICKS
Four Calling Dicks
Three French Dicks
Two Turtle Dicks
and a Penis in a Pear Tree.
Now repeat twelve times.
Merry Dickmas, Everyone!
Luckily, I get a boner break – I get to choose who I spend time with. So if you want to spend time with me, follow my rules. Otherwise, take that dick and go elsewhere!
Meanwhile, I’m taking care of business, then heading to a tropical resort in January.
And then I will return, refreshed and ready to rendezvous again! See you next year!
By Kendra Holliday | November 7, 2019
The other day, I was interviewed for a new NPR podcast. Not sure if it will ever air, but the topic really got me thinking. The question posed was:
“Does shame do any good?”
Given my background, my knee jerk reaction was, “NO.”
But the question wasn’t, “Does slut shaming do any good?”
“Shame” is humiliation caused by wrong or foolish behavior.
We often feel shame for who or what we are, but we have to ask ourselves – is who we are or what we are doing wrong or foolish behavior?
The woman who fired me certainly thought having a sex blog was wrong and foolish.
I’ll never forgot how livid she was as she hissed at me, “What were you thinking when you posted those things for everyone to read?! I feel like I’m talking to a 14-year-old!”
(For the record, April 27, 2010 was the last time anyone ever successfully slut shamed me.)
Maybe she was a conservative Christian and thought I was guilty of Lust and Pride.
Personally, I don’t think sharing your sex life publicly is a bad thing. For that matter, I don’t think Lust and Pride are bad things, either.
So, what is wrong or foolish behavior?
Is accidentally getting stuck in the middle of an intersection and blocking traffic at a red light wrong and foolish behavior?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s bad judgment.
By Kendra Holliday | November 5, 2019
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
By Kendra Holliday | November 2, 2019
In the past three weeks, I’ve had three men approach me for a consultation about a problem they’ve been dealing with for longer than I can fathom: their wife is chronically ill, and they haven’t had sex in years. They’ve cared for her, support and love her, would never leave her, but they are frustrated. Drained. They aren’t getting their needs met. They feel guilty. When I ask if they feel resentful, they immediately say no, but…
What should they do?
What would YOU do?
Are you partnered with someone who is ill?
Are you ill and partnered?
Are you getting your physical and emotional needs met?
Is your partner getting their physical and emotional needs met?
Are you monogamous or polyamorous?
How do you cope?
By Kendra Holliday | October 23, 2019
THIS ARTICLE really inspired me. A therapist shared about how men try to be close with their partner through sex, and how being rejected, or even having to always initiate sex, can be so discouraging and disheartening.
Here’s the thing – someone up in the sky is playing a big joke on us, and they’re using our social construct and hormones as trickery!
Most men of all ages experience spontaneous desire – they wake up feeling horny and activated, and walk around all day seeing sexy things and feeling inspired. This is due to their higher testosterone level, and the fact that society paves the way for men to go after what they want.
Women, on the other hand, have responsive desire. They are trained to hold back, be demure, and once they are introduced to an erotic situation, then they start to feel aroused. Women also need to feel safe and comfortable in order to relax into full arousal.
Of course, these are gross generalizations and a very binary approach, but for the sake of concision, I’m not going to spend a lot of time qualifying language, but you get the gist.
Men are pretty much ready to rock much of the time, and women are more reticent. They need more stars to align for them to be open to sexy time.
So, what do we do about this? We make concerted efforts to shake things up!
First of all, we need to recognize that HORMONES ARE REAL. They influence our moods and health in ways we don’t realize.
Second, we need to change the social construct. It’s impossible to overhaul the entire system, but we as individuals can make a difference on a local level.
By Kendra Holliday | October 20, 2019
The other day a friend asked me, “As a sex worker, do you require married clients to have consent from their wives to see you?”
I replied, “Ha, no.”
You see, most of my clients are married men.
I practice ethical non-monogamy, but what they do is on them.
When they come to see me, I provide them with options, and then they can decide what is best for their situation. (See Dan Savage’s take on how cheating can be the lesser of two evils.)
Most of the married men I see LOVE their wives and feel intense loyalty and desire and want to remain married to them,
their wife has cut them off sex. 🙁
Oftentimes, the woman has two kids, fulfills her biological imperative, is battered by religious and social norms, hits menopause, and shuts sex down and assumes, due to lack of communication, that her unilateral decision is to be imposed on her husband, too.
Resentment builds on both sides.
Due to higher levels of testosterone, most men wake up horny and walk around horny all day, and if they don’t scratch that itch, they go to sleep frustrated and horny, whereas most women need an erotic prompt to get horny, and the way men attempt to activate a woman is….not always effective. In fact, it can create the opposite effect and repel the woman.
On top of that, women won’t get naked in front of their partners because of body image issues. And they resist cuddling or touching, because that might lead to UGH sex, which is more like a chore than a reward.
It’s hard to be intimate when you cut off physical and emotional contact.
Sure men hire sex workers because they want to get blowjobs and fuck and cum,
ultimately, they want to bask in female energy and be accepted.
Female energy is PRICELESS.
It’s a sad, trapped cage we find ourselves in.
By Kendra Holliday | August 16, 2019
I’m going to preface this with the following disclaimer: I’m a witchy, woo woo, sex worker goddess, and this brain dump is going to sound crazy. I’m fine with that, as I fully embrace my hormonal mood swings and non-traditional way of thinking. I live in a society with lots of self-imposed cages, and my motto is “Think outside the cage.”
So, hear me out, let it all sink in, and let me know what you think!
Toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with white supremacy, and it’s making me sick. It’s making A LOT of us sick.
I’ve been diving deep into history, addiction, psychology, science, and more, and I’ve connected some dots.
Centuries ago, people from Europe set out and explored the world. They invaded many areas and took them over. They brought disease, death, and disruption to the people already living there.
They set up elaborate exports and imports of toxic trade – sugar, tobacco, alcohol, and slavery. They brought oppressive religions and destructive concepts that were deadly and divisive.
They declared that people, plants, animals, and places were all possessions. They put up fences, walls, and demanded territorialism.
They sought to control everything, and lived with a scarcity mindset. They instilled and lived in fear. They were hungry for power imbalance. They felt they were anointed by God, and thus justified in all their actions.
These things represent male energy: fire, cars, guns, alcohol, nicotine, conquering, destruction.
By Kendra Holliday | May 31, 2019
Can you guess which nipples are allowed to be seen in public, posted on facebook, and are socially acceptable? Which nipples are to be feared and reviled? Which nipples should be jailed and punished by law? You be the judge! (All photos are from Wikimedia Commons unless otherwise noted).
Tip: Here is the definition of the word “obscene”:
1.offensive to morality or decency; indecent; depraved.
2.causing uncontrolled sexual desire.
3.abominable; disgusting; repulsive.
Here we go! First, let’s warm up with some very SFW (Safe For Work) pics of human mammals:
This is a woman from Afghanistan. Is this obscene?
This is a Victorian woman and man. Is this obscene?
This is a statue. Is this obscene?
By Kendra Holliday | May 24, 2019
Ed Note: This is a guest post by Jem.
I was married for twelve years. For almost all the time we were together, everything was good. Almost.
About eight years after we got married, my husband forced himself on me. We were getting into bed, we were both sober, I had no idea what he was going to do. He held me face down. We’d played at this sort of thing before.
This wasn’t playing.
I shouted at him to stop. He’d never done anything like that before. Not even close.
I got dressed, left and went straight over to see a friend. He was a lawyer. It was about eleven at night, he could see I’d been crying. I told him what had happened, and at first he thought I wanted him to report a rape. I just wanted a place to stay and a friend to talk to.
My husband didn’t rape me. He betrayed my trust, didn’t respect my wishes, was clearly on some sort of power trip. He never did anything like it before or since. He was deeply ashamed by what he did, and had a harder time forgiving himself than I did.
My friend and I talked for hours. We ended up talking about sex and the law. At some point he said that adultery was when a man and a woman had consensual, penetrative sex. Nothing else counts. We had fun coming up with things that weren’t adultery: blowjobs, gay sex, buggering a sheep, being tied up and having five guys come over you … not adultery. Grounds for divorce, but not adultery.
I stayed the night in his spare room. He gave me a T-shirt to sleep in. It was about three in the morning by this point. I lay in bed, and decided about a dozen times that I would go next door. I didn’t.
We met up at a coffee shop about a week later because he wanted to know how I was. We didn’t buy coffee, we decided to go back to my place and drink coffee there. We sat on my sofa, talked, I told him how grateful I was for his support. How everything was better with my husband, now. It was, we’d talked and he was guilty and sorry. At some point, my friend put his hand on my leg. He had to get back to work, he said.
I’ve just got no idea who made the first move. We kissed, we stopped kissing and looked at each other and I said ‘oh no’. We joked about this later. We both knew at the coffee shop that this would happen. We didn’t plan it, but put it this way: I was wearing matching underwear. Then we were kissing again and I think I was the one who lifted up my top, but that might have been him. He pulled up my bra and sucked on my nipple so hard it probably should have hurt. It didn’t. Then he really, really had to get back to work.
The first time we didn’t commit adultery was three days later.
By Kendra Holliday | May 3, 2019
Ed Note: This guest post by Lynn Beisner was originally published on RoleReboot. Lynn warns women to always trust their gut. Sometimes the guys we label as “creepy” aren’t sexual predators, they’re just insecure. In her experience, it’s the charming, popular guys who can be the most dangerous.
The recent discussion about creeps has been both encouraging and concerning for me. I am encouraged because I believe that we as women should give ourselves permission to avoid any person or situation for no reason other than that it feels wrong. I also am of the strong opinion that we as women have a duty to warn each other about potentially dangerous situations, which is what we are trying to do when we label a man as a creep. But using the label of creep as a way of warning our fellow women also causes me concern. I worry that we are confusing or conflating creeps with sexual predators. They are two very different creatures and what protects us from one does not protect us from the other.
I can explain the difference best by telling you about two men I have dated. Let me start by telling you about the sexual predator; I call him Mr. Popularity because he was one of the most well-liked men that I have ever known. We worked in the same office high-rise, and it seemed like anywhere on those 32 floors that we went, people knew and liked Mr. Popularity.
When we started dating, I became instantly and bizarrely more popular; it was as if my geekiness was cancelled out by my association with Mr. Popularity. Women suddenly wanted to talk to me—mostly about Mr. Popularity. He had dated other women in our building, and some of them struck up conversations, telling me how much fun they had with Mr. Popularity. One comment that was repeated by every woman was how much he had expanded their sexual boundaries. I suddenly seemed to show up on men’s radar as well once I started dating Mr. Popularity. Many would tell me something along the lines of: “You’ll have a lot of fun dating Mr. Popularity. He is a great guy. But you know that he never gets serious about anyone, right?” Then they would give me their phone numbers for when Mr. Popularity and I stopped dating.
By Kendra Holliday | February 5, 2019
Here’s the event description:
This event is free and open to all SEX+STL members.
Men – do you wish we had more female members? (Note: as of right now we have more than 4300 members on our Meetup group. I’m guessing it’s ~ 60% men, 40% women.)
Do you wish women were as fired up to get some action as you are?
When you attend our clothing optional events, is it important to you that there’s a decent number of women there?
Do you want to touch and be intimate with women?
Do you ever wonder how to best approach women? Are you successful in your dating endeavors?
Join us as we discuss sex-positive etiquette for men. We’ll give some examples of how NOT to interact with women online, and constructive suggestions on what works better. If you have questions, we have answers!
Please come if you would like to be more successful dating and hooking up with women. Come if you are a woman and want to share your experiences and preferences. Come if you are a man who is successful dating women and have some insight to share. Let’s all learn together and create a truly sex-positive space for everyone!
The reason why we hosted this event is because our female members informed us that they were being contacted by male members with inappropriate messages.
We have a member harassment policy in place. In addition, I made this quick video reminding men that our group is not intended as a dating or hookup site.
Here are examples of approaches that can be perceived as inappropriate:
- Sending members you don’t know a message that you’re looking for sex.
- Attending a happy hour and asking the women there if they will kiss any random man on the street.
- Posting on the discussion board that we should host a penis size contest and make sure there are sexy ladies on hand to judge it.
When women get bombarded with strong questions and messages like that, it turns them off and drives them away.
By Kendra Holliday | December 31, 2018
Do y’all know about Cowboy Ethics?
I keep the book by my bed, right next to the condoms, candles, and lube. It’s like my bible.
It’s also like porn to me – totally sexy. People who possess Cowboy Ethics TURN ME ON.
So, what are these good qualities that make me drool and take notice?
I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!
Here’s what I’m talking about.
People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.
Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.
Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?
1. Live each day with courage.
Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.
Talking openly and honestly about my intensely personal and kinky sex life, and posting photos of myself naked – right down to my hairy armpits and shaved pussy – being intimate with the world, sharing myself with strangers – that takes courage.
Don’t be a coward. Face your fears. Replace the fear with LOVE.
2. Take pride in your work.
My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.
I take my passion seriously and have pride in my work. I give talks at universities and for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I host amazing events. I run a stellar volunteer organization. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.
You should always try to leave people, places, and things better than you found them.
It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?