Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, by Dr. Michael J. Bader

I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).

Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.

Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:

“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”

Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.

A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:

– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”

Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.

– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”

– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”

– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.

– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.

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Me playing Cruella de Vil

So, last month, I had a breakdown. I got really mentally and physically ill for a few days. I could barely function – my heart raced, my blood pressure was high, I was sobbing and puking, etc…

This wasn’t my first episode like this – I’ve had a few – due to menopause, hormones, overheating, stress, alcohol abuse, grief, family issues (my dad has dementia), burnout…

This time, I think what caused me to crash and burn was scheduling several intense sessions the week after I got back from vacation.

This is nothing against the lovely men I played with, or the scene topics, but I’ve found that some sessions affect me more than others.

My easy sessions involve surrogate work, TLC, sensual, playful topics.

The more challenging sessions for me these days involve more corporal, kinky, dark fantasies and roleplays. They’re a lot of fun, but they can be very draining, and sometimes it takes me a couple days to recover from the emotional hangover. It didn’t use to be that way – I used to move on quicker. That makes me wonder, is it worth it to me to do these types of sessions? Why do I feel more anxious before some sessions than with others?

I often hear from clients about a Dominatrix they were fond of, but the Domme retired “after a few months.” I wonder why that is? And how do some Dommes make it a decades-long career? Does it depend on their personality? (I’m an INFJ – I feel A LOT).

I decided to read Melissa Febos‘ book Whip Smart, her memoir about being a Dominatrix in NYC for three years. I was shocked and validated by what I read. I highly recommend you check it out.

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One year on Twitter, I listed one of my fetishes every day.

Fetish: something that sexually charms you.

I went back and looked at the list and was turned on and amused!

Here is the list in its entirety – I replaced about ten of them. If I’ve featured one in a post, I will link it to that post.

Mmmm, I want them ALL! Do any themes jump out at you? It’s clear I’m into hair, booze, and incest!

What about you – how many things turn YOU on?

cuffed

1. Hairy chest
2. Steel handcuffs
3. Having my lingerie ripped (panties, stockings, fishnets)
4. Fireplaces
5. Sideburns
6. Scars
7. Redheaded women
8. Pre-1968 Elvis

Mood lighting

9. Reaction cologne
10. Impregnation
11. Sleeping Beauty
12. Fishnets
13. Feeling hard cock through jeans/pants
14. Incest Fantasies
15. Wit
16. Austria
17. Werewolves/werebears
18. My man’s cum inside my pussy
19. Librarians
20. Japanese Gardens
21. Cuckqueaning
22. Bruce Springsteen
23. Firetrucks
24. Bubble baths
25. Magic Wand
26. Limerence
27. Jewfros
28. Arched doorways
29. A REAL beard
30. Mood lighting
31. Castles
32. Professors
33. Long skirts
34. Trees
35. Victorian Homes
36. Flasks
37. Hairy underarms
38. Spanking
39. Scarves
40. Confidence
41. Classical music
42. Braids
43. V-Safe Men
44. Henna
45. Period films
46. Lumberjacks
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X-Art features women like this

A friend of mine is not a fan of hardcore porn. I asked him to tell me what kind of porn he enjoyed, and he wrote me this letter. Enjoy!

Kendra —

I realized, after a lifetime of looking at porn, that I don’t like almost all of it. It’s grotty, unpleasant, populated by people I don’t want to talk to, let alone fuck, and the more extreme the porn makers become,  to stand out from their competitors,  the more they turn me off, both because of the scenario presented (I don’t want to rage-fuck someone in a basement) and because of the tragedies inherent in the production.

Young women with too much makeup and plastic surgery don’t turn me on, they make me sad and wonder about where their parents are.

But I recently came across some porn that seems designed specifically to appeal to people like me — which I would define as oversexed, heterosexual white males.  It’s made by X-Art, and is the Platonic Ideal of Vanilla Porn. Looking at it (which I’ve done a lot) made me think a lot about the kind of porn-fantasy it presents, and why its so appealing.

A typical X-Art vid features a young woman, with a body unaugmented by wear,  surgery or (too much) makeup. The setting is a high end apartment (many of the vids seem to be shot in the same LA loft) that might be the home of a protagonist in a Hollywood film. The man is attractive, but not the focus at all… there are a number of videos in which you rarely even see the man’s head.  Everybody is young and perfect; hairless, both metaphorically and literally.

The music is different than typical porn. Many vids start with a cool, indie sounding pop song, the kind of thing attractive people might listen to in their excellent apartments, and then they fade out in favor of “natural” sounds. No wocka-wocka bass line to constantly say PORN. (more…)

This is what I wore for our kinky threesome!

Last week, I posted about a fantasy I wanted to make happen in real life with Matthew and Lana.

Today, I detail how things really went down. You be the judge – which is hotter, the fantasy, or the reality?

First of all, my fantasy included cum play and cream pies, which involves risky behavior. All parties need to trust each other and get tested.

So, we did.

The day of our date, Lana texted us the good news about her test results:

“I’m clean!!!”

Now we were ready to make it happen! We were all SO excited – the fantasy matched each of our desires perfectly. Anticipation served as foreplay all day – all week, really.

The evening started with us chatting over drinks and catching up. Matthew warned her that he hadn’t been inside a pussy for 21 days, and hadn’t busted a nut in three days, so things could get crazy fast.

Sure, we were throwing down, but we were doing so in style. Candles were lit, and romantic Brahms played in the background

I wore a neutral, mesh teddy that accentuated my curves and nipples. She wore a short little black teddy with pink lip prints all over it.

He started things off by cuffing my hands behind my back. I tried resisting just for fun, but it was like slicing into soft butter with a sword – no contest. He had me locked down firm, then gave me a sweet kiss on my quivering lips, and tied the small, silver key to one of the strings hanging off the teddy’s neck. Then, he sat me down on a small tan tuffet at the foot of the bed, fashioned from a folded blanket. I was out of the way, and in position. He murmured, “Sit. Watch. I’ll be back.” I obeyed, like a well-behaved puppy expecting a treat. She stared at our exchange, wide-eyed.

Then, he turned his attention towards her. She stood there, looking up at him expectantly. He kissed her, hands roaming over her body, caressing her breasts through the gauzy fabric of her teddy. He spun her around and kissed her neck and shoulders. She moaned slightly as he pressed his swollen cock against her soft panties. He pulled her lingerie off, caressing her now exposed nipples, kissing her neck hungrily until she almost came. He stopped short of her explosion….

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The other night, I witnessed my friend Lana have her first MFM (Male/Female/Male).

I sat in a chair at the foot of the bed, fully dressed, wrapped in a soft blanket, goblet in hand.

I felt like this:

I Am Queen.

She, on the other hand, was naked and blindfolded on the bed, being worked over by two muscular, horny men. She looked so gorgeous and vulnerable in the warm, dim glow of the bedroom chamber.

I pretended that I called for them and that this was my entertainment of choice for the evening – to watch a lady-in-waiting get stripped of her gown, used, and impregnated.

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Girls wanna get down, too!

90% of men who crave female energy love the idea of being in bed with two women at once (the other 10% think it would be too much work).

An MFF (Male-Female-Female) Threesome, or King menage a trois, can be, depending on who you are with, HOTTER than you ever imagined, or bad sex x2.

But the key to making your threesome fantasy a reality is not finding the right women – it’s having the right mindset.

Most everyone thinks about threesomes, but without being open-minded and available to a person who is equally open-minded, those sorts of fantasies will never materialize.

Let me share my own personal experience on the matter. I dated a man, and after a few months of being together, I confessed to him that I was bisexual and thought it would be hot to share him with another woman.

This sparked a fervant quest to make a threesome happen. We joined dating sites, chatted women up online, all to no avail. Just because we wanted to have a threesome didn’t mean random women wanted the same thing.

Then things got interesting when I approached him with my second confession: I liked the idea of being with other men, too.

This dumped a bucket of ice water on his sex drive. We almost broke up over it! Here I was, open to the thought of him being with other women – dating other women, playing with my girlfriends – but the thought of me being with another man was a dealbreaker? Buzzkill!

During one late night tense discussion over it, he declared, “I will never be comfortable with the thought of you with another man.”

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Have a legendary sex life!

I asked readers to suggest sex acts that everyone should try at least once. Now, this list may not be as kinky as you might expect. That’s because I chose to focus on sensualism and intimacy over fear factor stuff.

So, you’ll find a lot of creative vanilla acts, but things like genital torture? Not so much. I was also able to consolidate a lot of things into one entry, such as anal play for rimming, receiving, pegging, etc. This gives you more flexibility when planning out your sex menu.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list. Please comment on how many of these things you have done, and what stands out as something you’d like to try soon!

1. masturbation
2. mutual masturbation
3. sexual encounter with person of a different gender
4. same sex encounter
5. male-female-male threesome
6. male-female-female threesome
7. orgy
8. using a condom during sex
9. using another form of birth control
10. getting/giving spanking
11. phone sex
12. webcam
13. writing/drawing on your partner
14. combine food and sex in some way
15. sex while being restrained in some way
16. one night stand
17. tantra
18. orgasm three times in one night
19. morning sex
20. nooner
21. afternoon sex
22. middle of the night sex
23. have sex while wearing a costume
24. cross dress
25. give oral sex
26. receive oral sex
27. have sex with a friend
28. wait a long time to have sex with someone you’ve been crushing on
29. get a full body massage (more…)