By Kendra Holliday | May 17, 2014

Blurred lines

Blurred lines

The threesome was such a surprise.

Matthew and I had been flirting with an old friend of mine for a few months now – she and I went to high school together, drifted apart, and had renewed our friendship this past year.

We’ll call her Andromeda – a golden goddess who exuded sexuality.

A married golden goddess.

For months now she had been telling us about how she and her husband were incompatible in bed – she had a higher drive. She liked being dominated, and he had no clue.

Andromeda was frustrated. Counseling wasn’t helping, and she felt trapped due to finances, kids, family… so she finally decided to cope the way a lot of people in the same situation do – by cheating.

We had hung out with her a few times and enjoyed the flirty sexual tension, but weren’t sure where to take it. She decided for us. She pointedly told us she wanted to spend an evening with us. She told her husband she was going out with girlfriends, but instead came over to our house in a breezy summer dress, bearing a bottle of whiskey and a big smile.

We STILL weren’t sure what to expect, but decided we were down with whatever unfolded.

We sat around and drank, talked, caught up. She was giving clues that she wanted to be seduced, so when she finally sat on Matthew’s lap and ran her fingers through his hair, that gave me the green light to slip back to the bedroom to light some candles and set out the condoms and lube. Just in case.

They followed me back to the bedroom hand in hand. I lounged on the bed like a cat as they stood before me. Matthew wound his hand into the hair at the nape of her neck and pulled her closer. They started making out. I got so turned on hearing her moan softly and watching their tongues entwine, and could have kept watching, but he pulled her onto the bed. He didn’t waste time stripping us both down. He put us where he wanted us, which was fine by us.

Andromeda and I made out. It was the first time, so electric. I explored her neck, her soft skin, her even softer breasts. Then he put me in the middle of the bed and instructed her to take one of my breasts, as he took the other. This is one of my favorite things.

I gazed down with delight at the yin yang breast worship, a MAN on one side and a WOMAN on the other. With the addition of my Hitachi Magic Wand, I soon came explosively that way, then she ate my pussy – she was SOOO deliciously bisexual!!! Then he and I ate hers…she tasted wonderful… she and I took turns being manhandled and cumming…he kept making us cum… then I ate her and he took advantage of my ass being up in the air, my hungry pussy exposed and wet.

He came around behind me and did one of HIS favorite things – fuck me while I’m eating a gorgeous woman. He tore into me, he was raging and ready for release. I could tell by the way he was thrusting that he was going for the gold, and part of me was all about that, but another part of me wanted to unglue my mouth from her pussy so he could stop fucking me and finish with her.

I wanted to watch.

But alas, and it wasn’t in the cards. He thwarted my conspicuous condom placement and exploded inside me with a mighty roar, shoving me hard face first into her crotch.

Once he got that out of the way, he resumed pleasuring us, until I had to take my leave, kissing them both goodbye. They spent another hour or so together – she didn’t want to go, not surprising since he kept working her over…but finally she extracted herself from the bear’s lair and went home to her husband.

I slept hard that night, and when I woke the next morning, I felt as though our evening with Andromeda had been a fantastic dream. I love when life feels like a dream…

I wonder what she woke up feeling.

What would you have done in our place? Would you sleep with a married person? Have you ever had an illicit threesome?

Andromeda... another galaxy...

Andromeda… another galaxy…


polynewb 2014-05-18 08:25:39

I recently had an illicit tryst with a married man. He loves his wife, but he’d been deprived of oral sex and exciting positions throughout their twenty year marriage. He needed the experience to release his frustration and it was so exciting giving him what he needed that I came over and over again while he ate my pussy like it would be his last meal. He went home happy, and he’s a better, less frustrated husband because of it. It was a moment in time purely meant for physical release. Nothing more, nothing less.

My partner and I have been swinging, something new to both of us, and its amazing! I really believe if more couples like your friend tried it, it would solve a lot of discrepancy problems like the ones she was having. Thanks for sharing, hot story!


    Jem 2014-05-23 10:40:33

    “he’d been deprived of oral sex”

    I had a similar experience. A married workmate whose wife didn’t like receiving oral sex, and he loved to give it. A ‘one time’ slightly drunk mindblowing encounter at an office party that turned into a two year semi-regular, entirely non-penetrative affair.

    His wife didn’t know. It did involve deceiving her. His penis never went in my vagina, but we were having sex. He bought me meals and gifts, we stayed in a hotel room with a hot tub. I went round to their house when she was out and 69ed him on their sofa wearing nothing but high heels.

    ‘If your wife was doing this with another man, what would you say?’. ‘I would feel less of a man.’ I didn’t like the answer. I did like it when he handcuffed me to my bed and used the vibrator.

    What he had with her endures. What he had with me ended after two years.

    Marriages are complicated. People have secrets. I decided I didn’t want to do that again, and that I’d hate to be on the other side of it. I don’t think I regret it, though.


Gabe Lackguy 2014-05-18 10:24:23

Honestly? You were in the wrong here. Most guys would be more than ok with their wives fooling around with another woman, but sex with another man behind the husband’s back is cheating, plain and simple. You’ve said multiple times that polyamory is worth it because the pain of cheating and being cheated on is so great. I thought the whole point of polyamory/swinging/open relationships was to PREVENT cheating and dishonesty, make sure everyone’s sexuality is respected, etc. There’s no worse form of sexual disrespect and disregard than to tell someone you’re faithful to them and then break that trust. Whatever, do what you want, just don’t claim to have some kind of ethical high ground over monogamous people. Not when you enable cheating and somehow warp your principles to make it something to be encouraged to avoid having to face the fact that you did something unethical.


Stephen 2014-05-18 11:40:40

I have to admit, I’m a little bummed for the husband. Okay, I’m a LOT bummed for the husband.

If he had come to you for sexual counseling, Kendra, you would have taught him as you’d taught so many others, that communication is the key. Based on your story (admittedly without pre-sex details), it sounds like Andromeda didn’t even give her husband a chance to join her adventures, or to give her permission to seek sexual needs elsewhere.

Having said that, the illicit excitement was probably part of the multi-orgasmic experience for her, and who are you and Beast to turn away her needs??! Especially when they fulfill yours as well. It’s her marriage, not yours, and she’s a grown woman.

So? Fuck away, fuck away all!


Dubs 2014-05-19 07:02:24

I’m sure most commenters are sitting on the sidelines, shaking their heads, thinking how breathtakingly immature of you and Matthew. 7th, maybe 8th-grade stuff.

“We STILL weren’t sure what to expect, but decided we were down with whatever unfolded.” Should have read: ‘We were experienced, grown adults and knew that a night of ‘sneaky, some-call-it, adulterous sex’ would probably exacerbate my “friend’s” conundrum.’

Slapping “goddess” or “god” on everyone doesn’t really mean that you’re Hera living on Mt. Olympus. Hell, even a good portion of antiquity didn’t buy into that shit. It was just a cultural organizing story.


Vince 2014-05-19 12:57:09

Where are you in that photo? The one on the left or the one at the right?


    Kendra Holliday 2014-05-20 07:33:54

    I’m the one on the right in the picture


Ben 2014-05-19 18:58:24

I have to agree with those who commented that what you did was wrong. One of the most hurtful things you can do to someone is cheat on them. I have a feeling you were thinking more of your own best interests than Andromeda’s.


G 2014-05-19 21:19:57

Ethically questionable? Maybe. Wrong? I don’t feel so. I have been in a similar situation (not a threesome, but I have had interactions with married women years ago) and not to sound callous, but her marriage is not your responsibility. If you handle yourself with care for her, you’ve lived up to your ethical responsibilities in my opinion. Your actions may have saved her marriage by giving her the sexual release to remain with her husband. Who knows? Not the people calling you bad. I think you’ve had quite enough of that.


Matthew 2014-05-19 23:30:39

In this particular situation, given the chance, I would do it again. This may be hard for most of you to believe, but the interactions with Andromeda helped her her keep her family intact for months longer than she would have otherwise. Those interactions were both physical and mental. Her relationship with her husband got better as a result. It kept her from fulfilling her needs in a potentialy dangerous and unhealthy way. It certainly didn’t solve the overarching issues of her marriage, but those were already beyond the event horizon, so to speak.

All this being said, I put very little weight into people deciding what I did was “wrong” or immoral, or hypocritical, having only a glimpse of the larger picture upon which to base opinion. I’m not writing this to convince anyone of anything. I have no regrets given the outcome.


    Gabe 2014-05-20 00:51:46

    We don’t know the whole story, but we know that she’s married and that her husband “had no clue”. Barring either one of two other possible pieces of information (he’s cheating himself, or he’s an abusive husband putting her in a dangerous situation), there’s no real way to justify her cheating or you encouraging, enabling, and participating in that cheating.

    Scratch that, there’s no way to justify it within the sex positive ethical philosophy of openness, honesty and mutual respect that Kendra often refers to. From a purely hedonistic, take-what-I-want-in-the-moment perspective, there’s nothing wrong with what you or Andromeda did. Maybe that’s your point of view, we don’t know, but it isn’t the point of view Kendra has consistently expressed on her blog. So her enabling cheating and presenting it as something to be encouraged is inconsistent with the principles of the argument for sex positivity that she built up. That’s all.

    If you’re trying to say that she and her husband have children and that cheating allowed her to hold her family together, that’s a weak argument. If she really is presented with only two possible options, cheat or get a divorce (and I doubt her options were really that limited- if he “had no clue” that she was sexually frustrated or wanted him to be more dominant, why not try putting your philosophy of openness and honesty to use and encourage her to have a discussion with her husband about her needs before disregarding his need for being respected and valued within the marriage- but let’s assume that her options were that limited for whatever reason), it seems to me that the sex positive choice would be to get a divorce.

    Where would kids be better off: living with parents who mutually agreed that their marriage was no longer viable and that they should separate in a mature, honest, respectful, and upfront way, or living with parents locked in an uneasy marriage where dishonesty, and probably mistrust and resentment, reign, and where the kids may very likely find out one day that their mother had such little respect and regard for their father’s value and worth as a person that she broke his trust and purposefully cheated on him? I know what would fuck me up more as a kid.

    Bottom line, very few people deserve to be cheated on. Cheating shows a complete lack of respect and honesty towards another person, and is definitely not sex positive. Yes it happens, and people shouldn’t necessarily be shamed for having a moment of weakness (according to polyamorous philosophy, monogamy is unnatural anyway). But that doesn’t mean that dishonesty and disrespect in the form of cheating should be encouraged or hailed as a way to strengthen a marriage. It’s just disappointing to a lot of readers the way Kendra went on this one.


Kendra Holliday 2014-05-20 07:52:05

This is a snapshot, a scene, a true experience. There are many details that precede and follow it that would further color your perception, either negatively or positively. It is life. We don’t always make good choices, but hopefully we learn lessons along the way.

I’m fine with how this instance went down. I used to be a cheater. I’m not anymore. If someone decides they are going to cheat after weighing all their options, it’s not on me. In fact, I was just with a married man this week. I’m glad this topic is up for discussion, because it’s an important one.

I’m not a licensed therapist, which is why I can share personal details about my life. Licensed therapists and counselors have barriers up so you don’t get to see behind their professional curtain. But believe me – they are not infallible. They are just as human as everyone else. We are multi-faceted creatures. Life isn’t easy – in fact, it’s complicated.

I believe in approaching situations on a case-by-case basis, not applying blanket rules.

So as far as I’m concerned, this post is real and builds my credibility as a human being.

Thank you everyone for weighing in on it. I respect your opinions and see your points.


    Ashly 2014-05-22 05:22:27

    I think you both done a great thing for Andromeda. She would have gone and had sex with somebody else,how may not be safe as you 2. Some folk should step back from there high and mighty moral grounds. Just stay as you are!


      Gabe 2014-05-22 07:19:27

      “They would have done it anyway, it might as well have been with me, at least I won’t give them a disease” is such a lame excuse. It’s like saying “We all know SOMEBODY’S going to sell those kids crack, might as well be me, at least I can make sure they don’t get ripped off”. The cheater is undoubtedly the most at fault, sure, but the person who has sex with them knowing they’re going behind their spouse’s back is not entirely blameless either.

      Yes, I used the word blame. Sometimes it’s appropriate when your seriously fuck someome over.

      Pretty crazy how people are so self-centered that they can’t imagine how anything could possibly be wrong if it doesn’t *immediately and instantly* hurt somebody else. What, were your genitals magnetically pulled towards those of the cheater? It was physically impossible for you to refuse to be a part of something you knew was doing severe wrong to somebody else? I though polyamory was promiscuity with a basis of responsibility, thoughtfulness, and, ultimately, some level of self control. I guess not.

      Im not surprised, just a little disappointed, not necessarily in Kendra as an individual but as a voice for a movement I thought had some ethical and logical consistency to it. We all make mistakes, but why do you have to exalt your mistake as somehow being a good thing, especially if you’re trying to get the word out about the merits of an alternative way of life?


Matthew 2014-05-20 13:28:40

As I said in my comment, this is hard for you to believe and/or understand, which doesn’t surprise me given the circumstances.


Woman Words 2014-05-20 18:00:48

I’ve been reading this blog for several years, and this is the first time I’ve been moved to comment. For the most part, I’ve applauded Kendra’s message of total honesty and sexual freedom. I support sex positivity 100%. However, I totally agree with the other commenters that this post is in direct opposition to the beliefs that you have always espoused here.

Notwithstanding the details that we the readers are unaware of, I find Kendra’s reasoning that she is a fallible human rather lame and disingenuous.

As far as I’m concerned, this “real” post does not build credibility as a human being…it serves only to reveal a reputation built on hypocrisy.

And, as always, Matthew’s chiming in to confirm that he gives no weight to the comments does nothing to make the occurrence any less hypocritical.


    Matthew 2014-05-20 20:50:37

    You are certainly entitled to your opinion. Thanks for reading all these years!


polynewb 2014-05-20 21:58:01

I’m frankly shocked at the closed-mindedness expressed here. I hate to tell you people, but sometimes it’s just about sexual release-fucking for fuck’s sake. I wish when my children were young, and my husband and I were out of our minds trying to keep our heads above water that we’d have given one another the permission to run away for a few hours and experience being adored physically! I know most of you can’t grasp this, but she probably went home to her husband and made love to him like never before. It said they were in counseling: I’m sure if she wasn’t committed to working on things she wouldn’t be going!


Edge 2014-05-20 22:23:01

Long time reader, first time caller here. I think you did fine Kendra, not that you need anyone to say that. sometimes people really need that release. The important commandment here is do no harm. I think you fulfilled that.

I understand what people are saying about honesty. but sometimes your interactions are with just one of a couple and are with that one as a whole being and not just part of a couple, and sometimes that’s where the greatest duty to be honest lies. I’ve seen marriages that were saved by each having just a little something to call their own and not to share. I’ve also seen a marriage that needed to end but didn’t until one of the partners got reminded what real, warm, feeling sex with some love in it was actually like.

Its good–very good–to set out to try to live by an all-encompassing code, consistent in every situation. And I appreciate you trying to live that out loud for everyone. But, doing that doesn’t make your life any less filled with situations that ethically call for some degree of improvisation. Sometimes you have to make a deal with that code to do what you think is right in a specific situation. I think you did what you thought was right and helpful. I think you brought some light into Andromeda’ life. I don’t think you need to seek out a code so consistent that this becomes a bad thing.


Gabe 2014-05-21 07:34:45

Exactly. You can talk about how cheating fulfilled Andromeda’s needs, let her have a release, gave her some breathing room, etc., as much as you want. None of that changes the fact that there is a human being out there, a person deserving of sexual respect just as much as anyone else, whose trust has been violated by this. There’s always a way to pursue your own happiness without gravely disrespecting someone else. You can’t justify cheating. Call that a “blanket rule” as much as you want, it’s an undeniable truth to any reasonable, ethical person.


The Nerd 2014-05-21 08:37:17

Ooo, this is a good ethical dilemma. Who shares responsibility for informed consent? Is it entirely up to Andromeda to give her husband all the information he needs to consent to sex/marriage with her? Should Kendra have refused to participate in a situation which she knew would lead to consent being deprived another person, even if she wasn’t the one “doing the deed”? What if consent were being deprived another way, such as through drug use – would it be acceptable for Kendra to give Andromeda a drug if K knew that A would most likely use it to drug her husband and rape him, even if K explicitly said “I only want you to use this on yourself”? Is it okay to buy sandwiches at Chick-fil-A if you know the money will be spent on fighting against equal rights? Honestly, I don’t think there’s a single black-and-white answer to any of these questions.


KB 2014-05-21 09:45:44

The only person that owes Andromeda’s husband anything is Andromeda herself. Kendra and Matthew didn’t take vows with him, they never promised him fidelity–Andromeda did. If anyone did anything wrong, it was her. But she would’ve cheated regardless. It’s not like she had a great marriage and was seduced away by a sexy couple. She decided to cheat, and if it wasn’t with Kendra and Matt it would’ve been with someone else.

This story, and the experience, requires far more nuanced thinking than most of these commenters are providing. The world is rarely black and white; most things exist in subtle shades of grey.


Keith 2014-05-21 11:55:35

It’s easy to sit and judge Kendra, Matthew and andromeda when we don’t know the full story. Yes cheating is inherently wrong, but there are times when cheating can be ok. If this threesome saves this woman’s marriage, then is it really all that wrong? This woman wanted a sexual experience that she could not get inside her marriage, why not do it discreetly in order to keep her family together and marriage happy. Kendra and Matthew helped this woman by fulfilling a fantasy of hers without risking her marriage. Part of Kendra’s message of being open and honest is also being open and honest with yourself. Andromeda recognized that she had a sexual need that she needed to be fulfilled and she found a couple who she trusted to fulfill it and also to do it discreetly because she did not want to lose her family. Sometimes the rock and a hard place scenario entails marriage and sex. Kendra and Matthew are responsible for themselves and their relationships. They can’t and shouldn’t take responsibility for other peoples relationships. There’s never a way to know what happens in another persons marriage, so telling Kendra and Matthew to worry about a relationship that is not their own is asking too much of them. Bravo Kendra and bravo Matthew for welcoming Andromeda into your bedroom and allowing her to experience something she may never have had the pleasure if experiencing if she hadn’t met and trusted you with her body and her relationship.


    Empathichose 2022-01-29 10:11:59

    .”For months now she had been telling us about how she and her husband were incompatible in bed – she had a higher drive. She liked being dominated, and he had no clue.”

    Or any motivation to learn to play with his exciting wife obviously! I think it sounds like something he would like to outsource pretty much completely to a professional? Aren’t they called a discreet surrogate? And Isn’t this kendras professional strength?

    .”Andromeda was frustrated. Counseling wasn’t helping, and she felt trapped due to finances, kids, family… so she finally decided to cope the way a lot of people in the same situation do – by cheating.”

    Look what other things they had invested in their marriage, easier all round surrogating her sex until such time he either steps up learns the ropes ( and whips!) or be flatmates and leave home when kids do That partnership fulfilled it use, paying off house, raising children.

    Discretion is key, spouses do all sorts of immoral things behind each other’s backs, gambling, drugs. I hope my husband wouldn’t burden me with everyone of his little fuck ups that he’s capable of fixing on his own. Where’s the point, he’ll fix it faster so he doesn’t have to upset me or admit hes done something dumb. It’s only if he can’t fix it he fills me in! Usually its only money so we’ll just go work n make more of it. 10 years married and very lucky to be such wonderful friends and we’ll try anything sexually that the other wants, along with carreer changes or starting a business- we evolve constantly, but you don’t get married for you, you get married for them, wonderful motto that one!

    Discreet, safe sex with a trained surrogate- responsible kindest option! This lady had tried, counseling and all. If he thought he was singularly entitled to fence off vanilla, with her in it, whys that ok? Thats denying her a whole chunk of happiness in life! That’s not loving – also a vow, broken…

    I’d do exactly as you have done if I didn’t/couldn’t leave! If I was in either or all your shoes


BigPervy 2014-05-21 12:48:30

I’ll weight in on this because I want to and I have been on both ends of the spectrum of adultery. First, I feel like when it comes to whose the one to actually blame for cheating that this burden falls squarely on the shoulders of Andromea. She is the one that is breaking her vowels to stay faithful to her husband. Kendra and Matthew have no part in that marriage and it’s inevitable downfall.

Yes I say downfall because that’s where it’s eventually going to lead to. One you’re crossed that line of remaining faithful vs having an affair there is no going back. Cheating becomes easier to do once you’ve crossed that line and gotten away with it. At some point it will become less about what you spouse isn’t doing for you and more about what you can and will try to get away with.

What I can say about Kendra and Mattew’s role in this, is that by having a hand in this friend going outside her marriage for sex, does make your viewed on open and honest communication within a relationships a bit skewed. Yes we’re humans and of course we’re fallible for our serious and misjudgments, but if you’re going to be the one to champion and crusade openness and honesty in relationships then is it not fair to hold you even higher than most to those standards? It’s like PepsiCo saying their the best soft drink in the world, but you catch them gulping down a coke. It just doesn’t sit too well.


Geek 2014-05-22 06:56:42

Regardless of your belief that cheating can sometimes ‘save a marriage’ (as you expounded upon on your Twitter), cheating is still dishonest which is a direct contradiction to your Open and Honest Policy. If you choose to live a life of polyamory, that’s absolutely fine. What makes that fine, however, is that both parties within the relationship have agreed to a lifestyle that would involve sex with others who are not their significant other.
Having pent up sexual frustration is understandable and (sadly) not so uncommon. However, if there was any chance of Andromeda amending her marriage, it would be probably be null and void if her husband had found out. And if he never found out? Well, it’s highly possible that Andromeda would continue forward carrying that guilt for the rest of her marriage. Is it the physical act of sex that hurts when your significant other cheats on you? Yes, to a certain extent but it’s primarily the dishonesty.
Personally, I think that you made the wrong decision. You’re a self-proclaimed sex counselor and I’m sure you’ve helped many people, but I don’t know that you necessarily thought out the long-term consequences here before you jumped in.
As other commenters stated, though, I don’t know the full story. What I gathered from your post (and being a long time reader), I commented on. If you do decide to share any other parts of the ‘full story’, I’d love to read it. And hey, I might even retract my original comments on the situation.
I wish the best for Andromeda and her husband; hopefully they’ll find out what makes them happy, whether that’s with each other or not.


J F 2014-05-22 08:36:07

Puritanism and judging others is alive and well in America, but I did not think it would be thriving here. First the very term applied here, “cheating.” If your spouse does not like seafood but while alone you eat salmon is that “cheating?” Also, listen to polynewb above. That kind of release can help you continue and perhaps improve your relationship. I recommend you get your judgmental selves outside of this country and observe how other people live, happily by the way. Whether someone is your legal partner or not, they can only limit their sexual lives, not yours. If her husband declines to accommodate her desires, well at least he had the right of first refusal. Here’s something else I’ve learned after facing two deadly diseases and being around others who did not: this is your real life, not the dress rehearsal.


Matthew 2014-05-22 08:58:38

I love a healthy discussion. Thank you all for your thoughts thus far. Looking forward to more!


David 2014-05-22 10:00:48

I am reminded of the quote, which applies somewhat to my feelings about this event, and it’s written description by Kendra (eloquent as always), “While I may disagree with what you say, (or do)I will defend to the death your right to say (do) it!”

I don’t really disaprove of what happened, any ambivalence is based on my ex-wife’s cheating, and continuing total dishonesty and what that did to my children. But that’s my problem, and another whole story.

This is one reason I thank God for the fact that we live in this country in a free society, and not in Iran or China, e.g., and that we can have these discussions!


Kendra Holliday 2014-05-22 11:10:50


Sex blogger Molly wrote a post in response to this one:

Dan Savage on why cheating is sometimes the lesser of two evils:


Matthew 2014-05-22 13:50:54

Maybe we should rename this post…..
It seems AnDRAMAda is more fitting now.
(Eagerly awaiting the counter arguments to what this post should be named.)


The Salmon 2014-05-22 17:03:30

I haven’t cheated, and my love and I opened our marriage so we are fully in the know of what is going on. But she plays with a married man, and that introduces complications to their relationship, mostly due to timing and schedules, and by the transitive rule of lovers, sometimes complicates mine by proxy. I think the ethical burden lies mostly on the one who is cheating, and as some here have said, there may be valid reasons. Bisexuality in monogamy almost ensures some kind of compromise, as you either need to deny who you are, or cheat, or leave, or become non monogamous (I suppose cheating might be considered non ethical non monogamy) But the ethics all revolves around choice, and the choice to cheat weighs much more heavily than the choice to be with a cheater. If you assume the partner is going to cheat with you or with someone else, really it is only your choice to continue that is concerned. I don’t think it counts nearly as much in the overall scheme of things.

I think some swingers (particularly) have something of a holier than thou attitude when it comes to cheating. Sort of “Just because we came to this point (of ethical non-monogamy without cheating) and you didn’t(or couldn’t) makes us a better couple.” (I KNOW I an going to get flamed for this, but I have experienced this personally)Sometimes it is easy to forget that not everyone can make non monogamy work. Some marriages have one member who wants to and the other can’t (or won’t). An open marriage needs two to tango (just like any marriage) and either a couple moves forward together or together they stay as they are. One alternative at that point is cheating.

I try to be totally ethical in my non monogamy, my love choses not to swing, but gives me permission. In return she is as informed as she wants to be about my lovers and parties. Sometimes she wants to know what happened, sometimes it is “Did you have a good time?” It depends on her space when I get back.

I have encountered people at parties that assume I am cheating, because I arrive as a single and wear my wedding ring(I never take it off). When I tell them I am not cheating, they sometimes then consider me a liar as well. If I were a liar I would remove the wedding ring and claim to be single. It would certainly be easier.

Thank you Kendra for airing the issue, it looks like it has sparked quite the debate. (I’m a master debater)


Fred Strunk 2014-05-23 05:37:19

Cheating means you are willing to accept all the potential consequences involved, potentially, everything from good to bad. To your self be true(to coin a well-worn phrase)! It must be exciting to have your sexual needs met!


Grey 2014-05-23 11:24:35

Yes, this is a real moment. The sharing of intimacy, a true moment, an exciting occurrence.

Ethical non-monogamy, it ain’t.

Putting oneself in the shoes of another is never entirely accurate. We do not know the circumstances of the husband and wife, whether they have an honest relationship or a “don’t ask, don’t tell” flavor to their marriage. Still, try to imagine what it would be like if you yourself found out your partner did something like this to you. Maybe not a hot threesome, but something that they purposefully hid from you and lied to you about. All under the guise of “saving your marriage”. Would you be hurt? Grateful? Confused? Myself, I’d feel condescended to. Like talking to me–one half of the relationship that needed saving–wasn’t even considered.

Hell, maybe Kendra did try to talk her friend into discussing an open relationship with her husband. We don’t know. But no matter if it was discussed or not, the outcome was all about deception in the name of getting off. Sure, we are all of us responsible for our own sex lives and sexuality, but sheesh, does that mean lying to someone we share our lives with, or should it mean dealing with a really tough conversation in an effort to be transparent? Again, put yourself in the shoes of the person being lied to.

In the sex-positive community, we talk a lot about boundaries. About creating them, policing them, testing them. About honoring and respecting them. Isn’t this just blatant disrespect of another person’s boundary? Just looking at it, acknowledging it’s existence, then collectively shrugging three pairs of shoulders and saying “fuck it”?

Yes, people make mistakes. People give into desires. What makes this particular ethical conundrum so painful is that The Beautiful Kind touts itself as a place to explore open and *honest* sex and relationships. Non-monogamy needs voices and presences that show that non-monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean a free-for-all, no rules party (for everyone; I acknowledge that for some it does mean this exact thing). This instance tarnishes my view of how TBK promotes non-monogamy. And frankly, presenting this interaction with the air of, “look what we did, we helped this poor woman and saved her marriage” is quite eyeroll-inducing.

Sex is sacred, beautiful, and yes, it is connected to our lives in many ways. Though when we eschew basic human courtesy in the name of sexual expression, I believe we do a disservice to the growing sex-positive community in a way that feels immature and disconnected.


Matthew 2014-05-23 12:17:15

If only Paul Harvey was still alive, maybe then we’d all hear “the rest of the story”. Unfortunately, that’s not an option in this case. This story will remain told only with the details in this post. To that end, readers can never understand the complete picture, which is a bit unfair I realize, but that’s just how it is. I do appreciate people weighing in with their respective opinions. Mine will stand as it always has with this situation. No regrets.


    Grey 2014-05-23 14:57:05

    I completely understand that there are circumstances that we as readers do not know about. I respect that. At the end of this post, Kendra asks what we would have done in the situation. I can personally think of no circumstances in which sleeping with a married woman without the consent or blessing of the husband would be right…for me. I do not expect the details from any of you; you chose to present the encounter as a fraction of the story. That can be incriminating. I don’t think I can just trust that you guys made the right call, therefore it makes it hard for me to respect this blog as a healthy portrayal of non-monogamy.


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