An Open Letter to Men Looking to Date Women

By Kendra Holliday | May 6, 2020

A guest post from my friend Gigi Spanks:

The goddess Demeter

To the Men Looking to Date Women,

As a woman in my late 30’s, I have encountered my fair share of thirsty men looking to get laid. I have spent countless hours with my female friends, lamenting over the horrible dates and bad sexual encounters we have endured. These experiences, which unfortunately are too many to count, have resulted in many of us pulling back from the dating world. We are still here, looking for sex partners and hungry for cock, but we are harder to find, more guarded, hiding in the shadows.

So, if you are one of the many men who are complaining that they can’t find women to date / fuck, please read on as I am here to share 5 things to help you be more successful in finding the relationship you want…

1.  YOU ARE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR…  If you find yourself in a situation where no one will date or have sex with you, it is important to recognize that YOU are the common denominator. You need to stop blaming other people (women) or the circumstances for your lack of partners. Ask yourself questions, such as, why aren’t people attracted to me? what behaviors do I exhibit that drive people away? What do I want? Knowing yourself is an important step in being successful at dating. In addition, you should identify what you want from a relationship before you put yourself out there (i.e. casual sex, kinky sex, long term partnership). In some cases, paying for the services of a counselor, life coach or relationship consultant can help you and save you lots of time and frustration down the road.

2. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO PARTNERED SEX… Partnered sex is not just about YOU and getting your dick wet. Partnered sex is about you AND another person that is turned on by and enthusiastically consents to fucking you.  In short, no one is obligated to have sex with you. If you are looking only to please yourself and not do the work of finding / pleasing a compatible partner, solo sex or paying a sex worker for their time / skills may be for you (you read that right, I said PAY for sex.  You have to either put in the time to develop a connection or pay a sex worker, no one gets sex for free…)

3. WE DON’T NEED YOU…  The hard truth is that women have a much easier time getting laid and finding partners than men.  In short, this means that you have a lot of competition and men have to be pretty special to get our attention. If you find a woman attractive, by all means approach her, but remember to treat her respectfully and put your best foot forward. Talk to her about what she is looking for in a date and what you can offer her as a partner (hint: you need to offer us more than you dick, we have plenty of those and toys that are much less trouble). It is important to be honest with your potential partner about what you are looking for. If your needs / desires aren’t compatible with hers or she is not interested in you, move along.

4. UNDERSTANDING CONSENT & KNOWING WHEN TO STOP… One of the most important things you can do is learning to recognize when a person is not interested in dating or having sex with you. Continuing to push or proposition someone who clearly isn’t interested in you aggravates them and is a waste of your time and energy.  Knowing when to cut your losses can save a lot of frustration for all parties. I recommend watching “Tea Consent” or “Cycling Through Consent” as these videos provide additional ways to think about consent and assessing the meaning of your desired partner’s responses.

5.  SHOP WHERE YOU WANT TO BUY… Sounds silly, I know, but bear with me… Once you have done the work of finding out what it is you want from a relationship, you need to look for partners in a location where you are likely to find people who fit the bill. For example, if you are looking for a partner who enjoys foreign films, attend film festivals or events where that is the main focus. Or alternately, if you are an alcoholic and would prefer a partner who doesn’t drink, a bar is probably not the best place to look for a mate.  If you shop where you want to buy, your odds of finding a compatible partner are greater!

I have shared these tips in the hopes that it will help provide another perspective on dating. Now that you have the information it is up to you to change how you approach dating / sex.

If you would like further insight, keep reading and I will share my current perspective on dating…

When my spouse of 15 yrs and I decided to open our relationship 2 yrs ago, I made a rookie mistake… I hadn’t developed any framework for dating or thought much about what I wanted.  I just knew I was out there to experience some new dick.  In my frenzy I created a profile on Tinder and jumped feet first into a swingers group on Kik. I dated four men over the course of six months and learned many things the hard way.

  • Unavailable Men: The first man I started dating on Tender was NEVER available to date in person and would only talk to me when it was convenient for him.
  • Flakes: one of my dates would constantly make plans with me and then cancel last minute
  • Boundary Pushers: is is my BIGGEST pet peeve!  3 of the 4 men I dated “listened” to my limits / boundariers for sex.  As soon as I had my clothes off they started pushing those limits and trying to talk me into activities that we had already discussed were off the table.

It wasn’t until I met my Dominant and current partner that I realized how awful these men were at dating and how bad their behaviors had made me feel.  Having not yet realized my worth

I had tolerated behavior from these men that was appalling and to the detriment of other men who might want to date me their behavior influenced me to stop dating…

Now if you are wondering what my Dominant did right…  Here are the 5 things he did right that and make him irresistible to me.

  • Once we were introduced, he immediately asked me what I was looking for in a relationship and laid out on the table what he was looking for.
  • He expressed his desire to meet me in person once, then waited patiently for me to tell him I was ready, I suggested the place and time.  He did not pressure me at anytime and made me feel comfortable at all times. (It took 6 months by the way…)
  • Before we had sex for the first time, we discussed our desires and hard limits.  Once we actually met to fuck, he always respected those boundaries, not once did he try to cross them.  This won him BIG points and payed off for him in the long run.
  • He is reliable and knows the value of my time.  We talk at least once every day and he responds to me when I need him (not just when it’s convenient).  He doesn’t flake on me and keeps his promises.
  • He respects me.

My husband is an outstanding man as well and after meeting my Dominant I decided that I would no longer date as I have 2 amazing men in my life (hince the tip above “We don’t need you”).  As a wife and mother of 2, my time and energy is limited AND valuable.  Dating is exhausting and I don’t have time to deal with men who only want to take from me and not give back.

My time on the sidelines has provide an opportunity for me to look at what my dating strategy will look like in the future should I choose to get back out there…

  • I will only date men who can be vouched for by a friend.  I will not be looking for partners on dating apps or strangers at parties or bars.
  • I will only date partners who are considerate of my time and energy
  • I will only date partners who have compatible interests / kinks
  • I will only date partners who respect my boundaries
  • I will only date partners who have something to offer me

I decided to write this blog to share my experience in hopes that it would provide some perspective to men trying to date and also help them recognize or avoid bad behaviors that turn women off.  I recognize that this is not an exhaustive list and would welcome comments from other women about what behaviors have caused them to withdraw from the dating scene or what their dating strategies look like to that the men who are looking to date can really learn what women want.

To the men out there, I hope my writing has provided perspective so that you can see that it is in your best interest to call out men who are behaving badly and to teach them how to successfully date women.  While it may seem counter intuitive as we are all in the same dating pool… if you permit men to behave badly and treat women poorly the women impacted by that bad behavior are more likely to withdraw from the dating scene leaving you with fewer options.

When we all stand up for each other, take the time to share our experiences and educate one another we all win.

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