By Kendra Holliday | February 4, 2020
Want a better sex life? Then start communicating better! Push past your comfort levels, people, and communicate FOR REAL.
Open, and honest. You gotta be vulnerable.
Here are some bold ideas to get the ball rolling (pick the right time and place to do these! Carve out some quality time, don’t attempt to knock it out on the way somewhere, unless it’s a road trip):
1. Institute relationship check-ins. Do as often as needed – daily, weekly, monthly… My partner and I do it about twice a year, when our schedules are especially stressful and it’s a challenge getting our physical and emotional needs met.
Have you heard of Daily Temperature Readings? It’s a concept that allows you to explore the following key points:
*Complaints with recommendations
*Wishes, hope and dreams
Covering these points can help you find out if you’re on the same page, or even reading the same book!
2. Tell each other three things you don’t like about each other (or five, if you’ve known each other for more than two years. 🙂
By Kendra Holliday | January 29, 2020
Have you ever visited a men’s health clinic? You know, the kind you hear advertised on the radio for men who have lost their mojo – low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, infertility, etc.
I’ve never been to one, but a lot of my clients have, and it’s crazy what they tell me!
I’m all for having options, but it seems like things can get pretty invasive, pretty quickly, and for a pretty penny! And it’s all pretty silly, in my opinion. They’ll charge a man hundreds of dollars to do “wave therapy” on his penis, which is like putting a fancy medical vibrator on his dick.
I’d say that 80% of the men who come to me with erectile dysfunction are dealing with a psychological issue, not a physical one, but these clinics are quick to prescribe pills and even injections in the penis.
Yes, these things can work, but they are expensive chemicals and you don’t want to become dependent on them. They’ll set a man up with an expensive little cock shot kit he has to carry around with him and keep refrigerated. The kit includes tiny needles and a vial of liquid you inject into the side of the penis. You want to make sure you alternate where you inject, or else you can create scar tissue and damage the penis.
I think it’s better to back up and try more natural, less invasive methods first. Of course, that requires patience and a different kind of vulnerability.
Speaking of pills, there’s a male supplement out there called “Alpha King” – can you get any more buzzword than that? And all these tricks and gimmicks use all these slick science words for marketing purposes – “our product contains significantly more bioavailable sapogenins…”
And what’s with the male clinics that boast of an all-male staff, or female staff (this urology clinic staff lineup reminds me of a Hooters harem!)? Are most of the men coming to these clinics straight, or gay, or a combination? I’m just wondering.
Do they acknowledge andropause and how aging can naturally shift a person’s sexuality, which is not a bad thing? (For more on this, I highly recommend the teachings of my mentor, Joan Price, who specializes in ageless sexuality.)
All this virility fear-mongering can be misguided and exploitative. Toxic masculinity? Why, we have a pill for that…
Anyway, here are some books I use in my sex surrogate practice – replace the fear with love!
I try to teach men how to be mindful instead of “mind-filled,” and to open themselves up to the pleasures associated with experience-based sex (as opposed to goal-based or performance-based sex.)
What do you think? Have you been to any of these clinics? What do you like or don’t like about them?
By Kendra Holliday | January 18, 2020
I saw this stupid list titled 100 Foods You Should Eat Before You Die on a food blog, and was NOT impressed. Cocktails? Frito pie? Spam? Really? I’m sorry, but I don’t think you need to eat Spam before you die.
So, my omnivorous partner and I (me = a sushitarian, which means I’m vegetarian but eat sushi once a month, or more, depending on whether you buy me some or not) came up with a better version of the list, which is below. I’m no foodie, but I’m a hardcore worldly sensualist, so there you have it. I know this post is not sex-related, but it’s going to be linked to another post that is.
How many of these things have you tried? Do tell! And then next time, we’ll dig a little deeper…
1. Chocolate covered strawberries
2. Fried okra
4. Eggplant parmesan
5. Bagel & Lox
7. King crab legs
8. BBQ ribs
9. Young coconut
12. Black Truffle
17. Cheese Fondue
18. Habanero pepper
19. Vegetable korma
20. Chile relleno
21. Chilled cherry soup
23. New England Clam Chowder
26. Crickets, larvae, locusts, or some other insect
27. Garlic stuffed olives
28. Dandelions (leaves, flowers or roots)
29. Fresh pineapple
By Kendra Holliday | January 7, 2020
Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”
That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!
I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.
I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.
In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.
Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 11 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.
You want to know why?
Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!
Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!
The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.
Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.
Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.
Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.
By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2019
You know what gives a sex worker a serious case of frosty burnout? An onslaught of timewasters and disrespectful horny men.
It’s winter now, and I’ve been dealing with a bone chilling, relentless dick blizzard.
It’s enough to make my pussy FRIGID.
Baby, it’s cold outside. Don’t be all rapey, virtual, or otherwise.
I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting. Other women are opting out – they’re had enough and are done with dick – which makes more men cluster up, desperate and eager, their testosterone levels sloshing out and flinging on anyone they can access.
If you want to warm a woman up, make her feel comfortable and respected.
If you want to wear a woman out, be pushy and insensitive.
Believe me, I LOVE sex and men and doing what I do, but when it comes to the creepers, it goes like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my horny fans sent to me:
12 Dicks Drumming
Eleven Pricks Piping
Ten Dicks a Leaping
Nine Dongs Dancing
Eight Dicks a Milking
Seven Dicks a Swimming
Six Cocks a Laying
Five Golden DIIIIIIICKS
Four Calling Dicks
Three French Dicks
Two Turtle Dicks
and a Penis in a Pear Tree.
Now repeat twelve times.
Merry Dickmas, Everyone!
Luckily, I get a boner break – I get to choose who I spend time with. So if you want to spend time with me, follow my rules. Otherwise, take that dick and go elsewhere!
Meanwhile, I’m taking care of business, then heading to a tropical resort in January.
And then I will return, refreshed and ready to rendezvous again! See you next year!
By Kendra Holliday | December 13, 2019
Let’s get this cleared up right off the bat: Do you wanna know what it feels like to be penetrated non-consensually?
LIKE YOUR SOUL IS DYING.
So don’t do that. DON’T penetrate other people non-consensually. I can’t believe I have to state the obvious. COME ON, PEOPLE.
Now, let’s move on to how it feels to be vaginally penetrated when you are into it, turned on, etc.
I posed the question on fb and twitter, and got responses from several curious men, but only one from a woman! My friend, Bianca:
“Being penetrated vaginally feels like a void is being filled. Like the right jigsaw piece is in place. Like warm candy. So good you roll your eyes up with pleasure.”
Let me elaborate.
It’s like tucking into this gooey, decadent, absolutely delicious dessert, all sweet and salty and creamy.
It’s like you have a throbbing headache, and someone slips you morphine. Hot, throbbing morphine, for your hot, aching pussy.
It feels like a drug that will save your life.
It feels completely base and primal, like you want to fuck the earth and fill your womb.
It feels the way a spring crop looks, all those new green shoots pushing up through the moist, fertile black soil.
By Matthew | November 20, 2019
I love to flirt, and women seem to enjoy flirting back. The casual fun flirting is a blast, and I enjoy it. But I never know if they want to move from fun flirting to something more serious.
I’ve tried a few times to make the change to serious flirting, and found out I was wrong, and screwed up friendships. So for the past few years, I just automatically default to “it’s just for fun” and don’t even try to “make a move.”
So I guess what I’m asking is – is there any good indication that a woman is interested in moving the flirting from “just for fun” to something with more intent? What Are Best Practices for Men Flirting With Women?
I’m going to turn this one over to Matthew! Now, this is a man who is not into tricking or manipulating other people.
He takes “master pickup artists” and picks them up and tosses them in the dumpster.
He practices open and honest communication.
He doesn’t have a GQ model body, but he has the confidence of Zeus.
He realizes that not every woman wants to be with him, and HE’S OK WITH THAT. He’s only interested in being with women who are genuinely into him. Somehow, he manages to play the situation so that he KNOWS the woman is desperate to get to his cock. At least, that’s how he played me. For months. The bastard! Sigh, I’m hooked.
Take it away, Matthew….
This is a great question and I am going to address it on a number of levels. Specifically to your question, first and foremost what comes to mind is an encounter I had with a woman some time ago.
By Kendra Holliday | November 7, 2019
The other day, I was interviewed for a new NPR podcast. Not sure if it will ever air, but the topic really got me thinking. The question posed was:
“Does shame do any good?”
Given my background, my knee jerk reaction was, “NO.”
But the question wasn’t, “Does slut shaming do any good?”
“Shame” is humiliation caused by wrong or foolish behavior.
We often feel shame for who or what we are, but we have to ask ourselves – is who we are or what we are doing wrong or foolish behavior?
The woman who fired me certainly thought having a sex blog was wrong and foolish.
I’ll never forgot how livid she was as she hissed at me, “What were you thinking when you posted those things for everyone to read?! I feel like I’m talking to a 14-year-old!”
(For the record, April 27, 2010 was the last time anyone ever successfully slut shamed me.)
Maybe she was a conservative Christian and thought I was guilty of Lust and Pride.
Personally, I don’t think sharing your sex life publicly is a bad thing. For that matter, I don’t think Lust and Pride are bad things, either.
So, what is wrong or foolish behavior?
Is accidentally getting stuck in the middle of an intersection and blocking traffic at a red light wrong and foolish behavior?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s bad judgment.
By Kendra Holliday | November 6, 2019
My friend Joan Price introduced me to Galen Fous MTP, the author of this book, and right away I could see why – he’s a Dominant father in his 60’s living on the west coast, and I am a submissive mother in my 40’s living in the Midwest, but we have SO much in common!
We’re both completely out and open about our kinky and creative sexualities. We both went through hell and almost lost everything when we came out with our stories (his outing was forced by his ex; mine was more my choice). We both persevered and are now fully integrated and have a career in the field of sexuality.
Galen’s book is called Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires.
As I read his book, I was amazed at how much it mirrored my thoughts on sex and our unhealthy society.
We both subscribe to the King and Queen archetype, and to the beauty of rituals. Galen points out that rituals are tools that help us focus our attention. Natural and innate, rituals are all around us – seasons, rhythms, holidays…
By Kendra Holliday | November 5, 2019
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
By Kendra Holliday | November 2, 2019
In the past three weeks, I’ve had three men approach me for a consultation about a problem they’ve been dealing with for longer than I can fathom: their wife is chronically ill, and they haven’t had sex in years. They’ve cared for her, support and love her, would never leave her, but they are frustrated. Drained. They aren’t getting their needs met. They feel guilty. When I ask if they feel resentful, they immediately say no, but…
What should they do?
What would YOU do?
Are you partnered with someone who is ill?
Are you ill and partnered?
Are you getting your physical and emotional needs met?
Is your partner getting their physical and emotional needs met?
Are you monogamous or polyamorous?
How do you cope?
By Kendra Holliday | October 23, 2019
THIS ARTICLE really inspired me. A therapist shared about how men try to be close with their partner through sex, and how being rejected, or even having to always initiate sex, can be so discouraging and disheartening.
Here’s the thing – someone up in the sky is playing a big joke on us, and they’re using our social construct and hormones as trickery!
Most men of all ages experience spontaneous desire – they wake up feeling horny and activated, and walk around all day seeing sexy things and feeling inspired. This is due to their higher testosterone level, and the fact that society paves the way for men to go after what they want.
Women, on the other hand, have responsive desire. They are trained to hold back, be demure, and once they are introduced to an erotic situation, then they start to feel aroused. Women also need to feel safe and comfortable in order to relax into full arousal.
Of course, these are gross generalizations and a very binary approach, but for the sake of concision, I’m not going to spend a lot of time qualifying language, but you get the gist.
Men are pretty much ready to rock much of the time, and women are more reticent. They need more stars to align for them to be open to sexy time.
So, what do we do about this? We make concerted efforts to shake things up!
First of all, we need to recognize that HORMONES ARE REAL. They influence our moods and health in ways we don’t realize.
Second, we need to change the social construct. It’s impossible to overhaul the entire system, but we as individuals can make a difference on a local level.
By Kendra Holliday | October 23, 2019
Three is my magic number.
I was born 3-23-73.
I’m really good at threesomes. 🙂
I have sacred feminine triangles all over my body – my hairy underarms and pubic hair represents one; my breasts and belly represent another.
I find that my life is best balanced when I’m nurturing these three things:
Professional career – represented by my site Be Open and Honest
Personal life – represented by this blog!
Philanthropic endeavors – represented by Sex Positive St. Louis, my all-volunteer community organization
Sometimes, things get out of whack, and my personal life suffers, or my volunteer efforts lag, but I’ve found that the best way to keep things balanced is to ENFORCE MY BOUNDARIES.
I know my boundaries, but they are always being pushed by other people and forces, and it’s exhausting! They don’t mean to do it, but that’s life as a sex worker whose motto is: NEVER BORED.
Here are some examples of my boundaries:
- I always use condoms with intercourse. I don’t let random men rub their penis on my vulva.
- I don’t receive anal. It’s not an erogenous zone for me. But I’ll gladly give it! 😉
- I do things on my own terms. If someone contacts me and wants to work with me but doesn’t want to follow my guidelines, then I don’t work with them. I have my protocol in place for a reason.
It’s funny, but I find that the more I put out there, the more some people expect. For instance, I post a Panty of the Day pic on Twitter, and I’ll have men send me Direct Messages asking for more free pics.
By Kendra Holliday | October 20, 2019
The other day a friend asked me, “As a sex worker, do you require married clients to have consent from their wives to see you?”
I replied, “Ha, no.”
You see, most of my clients are married men.
I practice ethical non-monogamy, but what they do is on them.
When they come to see me, I provide them with options, and then they can decide what is best for their situation. (See Dan Savage’s take on how cheating can be the lesser of two evils.)
Most of the married men I see LOVE their wives and feel intense loyalty and desire and want to remain married to them,
their wife has cut them off sex. 🙁
Oftentimes, the woman has two kids, fulfills her biological imperative, is battered by religious and social norms, hits menopause, and shuts sex down and assumes, due to lack of communication, that her unilateral decision is to be imposed on her husband, too.
Resentment builds on both sides.
Due to higher levels of testosterone, most men wake up horny and walk around horny all day, and if they don’t scratch that itch, they go to sleep frustrated and horny, whereas most women need an erotic prompt to get horny, and the way men attempt to activate a woman is….not always effective. In fact, it can create the opposite effect and repel the woman.
On top of that, women won’t get naked in front of their partners because of body image issues. And they resist cuddling or touching, because that might lead to UGH sex, which is more like a chore than a reward.
It’s hard to be intimate when you cut off physical and emotional contact.
Sure men hire sex workers because they want to get blowjobs and fuck and cum,
ultimately, they want to bask in female energy and be accepted.
Female energy is PRICELESS.
It’s a sad, trapped cage we find ourselves in.
By Kendra Holliday | September 29, 2019
One year on Twitter, I listed one of my fetishes every day.
Fetish: something that sexually charms you.
I went back and looked at the list and was turned on and amused!
Here is the list in its entirety – I replaced about ten of them. If I’ve featured one in a post, I will link it to that post.
Mmmm, I want them ALL! Do any themes jump out at you? It’s clear I’m into hair, booze, and incest!
What about you – how many things turn YOU on?
1. Hairy chest
2. Steel handcuffs
3. Having my lingerie ripped (panties, stockings, fishnets)
7. Redheaded women
8. Pre-1968 Elvis
9. Reaction cologne
11. Sleeping Beauty
13. Feeling hard cock through jeans/pants
14. Incest Fantasies
18. My man’s cum inside my pussy
20. Japanese Gardens
22. Bruce Springsteen
24. Bubble baths
25. Magic Wand
28. Arched doorways
29. A REAL beard
30. Mood lighting
33. Long skirts
35. Victorian Homes
37. Hairy underarms
41. Classical music
43. V-Safe Men
45. Period films