THIS ARTICLE really inspired me. A therapist shared about how men try to be close with their partner through sex, and how being rejected, or even having to always initiate sex, can be so discouraging and disheartening.

Basking in the glow of male energy

Here’s the thing – someone up in the sky is playing a big joke on us, and they’re using our social construct and hormones as trickery!

Most men of all ages experience spontaneous desire – they wake up feeling horny and activated, and walk around all day seeing sexy things and feeling inspired. This is due to their higher testosterone level, and the fact that society paves the way for men to go after what they want.

Women, on the other hand, have responsive desire. They are trained to hold back, be demure, and once they are introduced to an erotic situation, then they start to feel aroused. Women also need to feel safe and comfortable in order to relax into full arousal.

Of course, these are gross generalizations and a very binary approach, but for the sake of concision, I’m not going to spend a lot of time qualifying language, but you get the gist.

Men are pretty much ready to rock much of the time, and women are more reticent. They need more stars to align for them to be open to sexy time.

So, what do we do about this? We make concerted efforts to shake things up!

First of all, we need to recognize that HORMONES ARE REAL. They influence our moods and health in ways we don’t realize.

Second, we need to change the social construct. It’s impossible to overhaul the entire system, but we as individuals can make a difference on a local level.

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Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, by Dr. Michael J. Bader

I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).

Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.

Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:

“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”

Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.

A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:

– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”

Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.

– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”

– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”

– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.

– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.

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Enter my sacred temple

I’ve FINALLY figured out what makes female breasts/nipples so awed and feared!

You know I’ve been struggling with this Topless Inequality quandary for years – remember the Obscene Nipple Game?

A married man told me that seeing his wife’s breasts is always exciting – it never gets old. “Every time I see them, it’s like it’s the first time. It’s refreshing and invigorating.”

I notice with amusement how predictable my clients are – as soon as my bra comes off, they lean down and suck on each nipple, like an automatic, erotic handshake. They simply HAVE to touch and fondle them.

But then get this – the other day I had a date with my girlfriend, and when she took off her shirt, I was compelled to do the exact same thing! I just wanted to grab them! But I didn’t – I was a respectful lady. And that reaction is even with me having breasts myself!

Breasts are like warm, glowing light bulbs, and we are mere moths. Supposedly, moths are drawn to light because of some ancient connection to the moon, which is a feminine symbol.

Alunapull…

Sooo here’s the deal – the reason female breasts and nipples are so awed and feared is because

THEY ARE MAGIC.

That’s it. They are a source of creation and life-giving. They symbolize Mother Earth – they are the opposite of destruction. And while most people revere and respect life force and see it as a positive thing, some people find it overwhelming and confusing, which can be scary. The more we can be in touch with our feelings, the healthier we can process the mysterious world around us.

I breastfed my daughter for a year, and am so proud how I provided her only food source for months, and how she thrived and grew – it’s so magical and empowering!

In honor of this realization, I’m hosting a Topless Tarot event later this week, for women only. We’ll sit around in my warm and cozy fairy cottage and connect and bond over candlelight, cards, gems, and runes. We’ll be surrounded by breasts and loving female energy! Our cups runneth over!

I went back into my blog archives and pulled random breast photos – I just love them so much, and am happy to have them. I’m glad to share them with you, on my own terms. Thank you for your respectful worship and appreciation!

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Four years ago, I thought asexuality was a myth, an excuse, a weird misunderstanding between a person and their genitals. Then I met my asexual friend Shelley, who patiently taught me the facts. This week (Oct 23-39) is Asexual Awareness Week. Asexual means a person who does not experience sexual attraction. Let’s learn more from Shelley in this interview, and be sure and catch some other asexual interviews happening over at Sex Positive St. Louis blog.

How old are you?

29 now, four years after our original interview. Old enough to know that I’m not just a late bloomer.

What’s the difference between celibate, abstinent, and asexual?

Celibacy and abstinence are choices. Asexuality is innate, not a choice, but a part of someone’s life that they cannot choose. It is the same as gays not being able to choose who they are attracted to.

Does being asexual mean you are not physically attracted to male or females? For example, I identify as bi-sexual. Do you have a sexual identity? Are you straight?

Though asexuals only make up 1% of the population, asexuality is NOT a narrow definition. Like sexual people, most asexuals do experience attraction in a wide spectrum. When I say attraction, I do not mean sexual attraction, but rather the appreciation of someone who looks good, or has a great personality. I am attracted to men, that is to say, some men are cute to me. The difference between sexual people and asexual people is that asexual people simply do not want anything to do with the Sex part of a relationship, although other areas of a relationship may be okay – it is different for every person as to their comfort levels. Does that mean some want a relationship with another person? Yes. We all have connections in our lives. Friends, family. People who are sexual wish to have a connection of friendship Plus sexual chemistry with a person generally. Asexuals would like that Friendship, Plus nothing. But it is still more than friendship, Asexuals can have an emotional, deep connection with another person, but do not need sex as part of that as well.

Is being asexual a big part of your identity?

Yes. There are a few “I AMs” in my life, things that I am sure I am, and while they may waver, they never disappear. Asexuality is one of them.

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You know how they talk about baggage, being in the closet, etc.?

Everyone has baggage – daddy issues, mommy issues, family pain, abandonment issues, trust issues, inexperienced issues, break up trauma, secrets, shame, guilt, neglect, abuse, loss, betrayal, injury, fear, rejection…

I like to pretend our head is an attic, and our brain is an old fashioned trunk, crammed full of stuff we’ve collected from our travels.

What’s in your trunk?

Space is really tight, and the stuff is jammed in there.

So, I propose this exercise to my clients.

Find the key that opens the trunk.

A skeleton key, for the skeletons in your closet

Open that trunk up.

Now, take ALL the stuff out of it – toss it around the room.

Examine each article – is it a piece of clothing? Is it a toy? Is it wrinkled? Is it moldy? Does it still fit? Do you want to keep it?

Address and assess each item. Acknowledge why it’s in your trunk, and decide if it’s something you want to hang on to.

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One of my favorite days of the year is our Sex Positive St Louis annual naked pool party. We’ve been having these for over ten years. It’s the crown jewel of the sunny season, the best way to enjoy a hot summer day.

It’s a private, screened event – we need to know the people attending, meaning they need to be established SEX+STL members, and by that I mean you need to be a part of the community, not just attend one or two events. This ensures a safer environment for those who attend. My C0-Leader David Wraith states the safety rules well: “No sexual activity. No touching without consent! No body-shaming! No slut-shaming! No sexism! No racism! No homophobia! No transphobia! No ableism! No hateration! No holleration!”

We actually refer to it as a “clothing optional” pool party, because we want guests to attend on their own terms. My sister attended our most recent one, and she told me, “I was invited to some other naked pool party, and their rule was: Nudity Required. That bugged me, like my body was meant to be on display for others, so I didn’t go. But when the rules are ‘clothing optional,’ it’s nicer, there’s less pressure, I have agency, which makes me feel fine about getting naked!”

Every year, I invite new people to attend. They act extremely intrigued, but most of them back out at the last minute, telling me they can’t do it. I’d love to know their reasons – are they self-conscious? Are they worried they’ll see someone they know? It’s too bad, because out of all the people who manage to overcome their fears and attend, not ONE person regretted it. EVERY person found it to be an overwhelmingly positive experience – for some, even life transforming.

It usually ends up being about 120 people, from all different backgrounds. (It can be a challenge for folks who have disabilities, because the pool is a 1/2 mile hike, a secret haven deep in the woods.)

Imagine 120 people of different genders, orientations, ages, body types, and ethnicities frolicking in this giant, spring-fed basin:

Welcome to Eden

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David Wraith and me

Want a better sex life? Then start communicating better! Push past your comfort levels, people, and communicate FOR REAL.

Open, and honest. You gotta be vulnerable.

Here are some bold ideas to get the ball rolling (pick the right time and place to do these! Carve out some quality time, don’t attempt to knock it out on the way somewhere, unless it’s a road trip):

1. Institute relationship check-ins. Do as often as needed – daily, weekly, monthly… My partner and I do it about twice a year, when our schedules are especially stressful and it’s a challenge getting our physical and emotional needs met.

Think about this:

Are you getting your physical needs met?

Are you getting your emotional needs met?

If the answer is no to one or both of those, what would need to be different?

How about your partner? Do you think they’re getting their physical or emotional needs met?

If they were asked, do you suppose they might answer differently?

Hmm!

Have you heard of Daily Temperature Readings? It’s a concept that allows you to explore the following key points:

*Appreciation

*New Information

*Puzzles

*Complaints with recommendations

*Wishes, hope and dreams

Covering these points can help you find out if you’re on the same page, or even reading the same book!

2. Tell each other three things you don’t like about each other (or five, if you’ve known each other for more than two years. 🙂

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