According to liberal blog Think Progress, the online porn industry has seen a surge in sales thanks to this year’s economic stimulus package.
Read more about it here.
I got my check the other day, but
a) since you can get tons of porn online for free
b) I know Bush wants me to spend it
I’m going to put it in my savings account.
One time I pushed a 7 lb. baby out of my vagina.
Not only that, but I took the typical American route of childbirth and went to the hospital, got an epidural, laid on my back, had an episiotomy (a surgical incision in the perineum made to enlarge the vagina and assist childbirth), and had my baby vacuumed out of me. (One thing I didn’t experience was a C-section.) If all this sounds whack to you, I highly recommend you read Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf and watch The Business of Being Born.
This was absolutely one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have no idea how women do this more than once. It is one of the only times I have literally seen stars and fainted. The doctor stitched me up down there ala Frankenpussy.
After they took the urinary catheter out and my epidural wore off, I went to the bathroom. You know how you can stop and start the flow of urine? To my horror, the pee fell out of me. I had no control over it whatsoever. I wept. They gave me warm compresses to put on my traumatized pussy and told me not to have sex for six weeks.
Breastfeeding pretty much killed my sex drive, but we did have sex a month or two after I gave birth. And guess what? It hurt. The episiotomy scar was raw and intense. I kept waiting for my sex drive to return and for it to stop hurting during sex. Several times I thought I was broken forever, and that I’d never enjoy sex again like I did before. Dark times, people.
It took a year, but I finally fully healed and reclaimed my body (I breastfed for a year). I do my Kegel exercises and even have a vaginal barbell. The whole point of this post is to let all you new moms and dads know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure if childbirth has something to do with it or if it’s just me sexually evolving, but I’m more orgasmic and love fucking more than ever.
Just don’t get me pregnant, OK?
Here’s what happens when the sex is just TOO good, written by Lokey:
Of all the women I’ve dated, there was one with whom I will always say I truly discovered my sexual prowess. Her name was Jennifer and we dated for about a year when I was 22-23 and she was 18. She was a great girl and sexy as hell. She was 5′ 10″, curly black hair, amazing curves for someone as thin as she was. She was just adorable as fuck. She could be wearing baggy sweats with her hair pulled back and no make up and could still make me want her with just one look.
Our libidos were perfect matches and we were fucking like rabbits all the time. It was with her that doggy style, reverse cowgirl and 69 became my favorite sexual positions because our bodies seemed like they were just made for one another and every one of those positions produced multiple orgasms for both of us. Until we met I didn’t even know guys could have multiples.
But Jennifer didn’t have a lot of sexual experience so I had to guide her through a lot of things. When she first gave me head, she would scrape her teeth a bit and it hurt like hell. She would get a little upset about not being able to please me in that way so I would explain that she should just pretend she is eating a popsicle (minus the biting).
After that she began to give amazing head and I had no trouble at all getting off each and every time. I would also explain how in certain positions when I went in at certain angles, I could hit certain spots that were sure to feel amazing. Before long she had figured out how she needed to move and at what angles to hit those same spots herself and also to return the favor.
We more or less educated each other and tried just about everything we could think of every wanting to try. Every night we spent hour after hour making love and constantly switching positions…going from slow and steady…to just pounding the hell out each other. She was the one I will never forget and will probably compare every woman to sexually for the rest of my life.
We got home that night and Jennifer was feeling friskier than usual, so she did a strip tease for me beside my huge sleigh bed. After she had removed all her clothes and mine, I bent her over the foot board and fucked her from behind while simultaneously stimulating her clit with my fingers. That double whammy orgasm drove her up the wall.
She pushed me down on the bed and climbed atop me in the reverse cowgirl position and begins riding the shit out of me. Just before I was about to cum, she climbed off and looked at me for a minute and says “Not yet.” I don’t think my dick has been that hard in the years since or ever will be again.
She gave me enough time to recover just a bit, then climbed on top of me and started kissing my chest and neck, rubbing my dick between her labia and letting it slide inside just a tad before sliding it back out…doing all the little things she knew would drive me crazy. I was so fucking hard I could have drove nails with that bastard.
Finally she grabbed hold of the headboard and I slid inside her. She started vehemently thrusting her hips into me and I got really into it so on her downstroke I begin thrusting upward nearly bottoming out and hitting every sensitive spot on the way. She was clawing at my chest and moaning louder than I had ever heard her before and my body was on fire. It felt like the tip of my dick was going to explode, but it felt so…damn…good!
I felt her legs begin to twitch and realized that I too was about to cum. We’d come together before, but the way we had been having sex this time…I wondered if we would both pass out. She orgasmed once and then again and I had to hold on to her as shockwave after shockwave made her whole body jerk. I came and my dick felt like a fucking water hose…how much could possibly come out? I thought my hair was going to literally come out of my scalp because I could feel every little follicle tingling.
Right at that moment I heard a crack. Then another. Then the right side of the mattress began to slide and the whole fucking thing hit the floor. I, with my dick still inside Jennifer, came crashing down on top of it.
Jennifer let out a little yelp and I heard her begin to cry. I couldn’t see what she had hit because there was a pain in my groin that felt like a 5000 pound elephant just stepped on it. After a few minutes I was able to talk and she had stopped crying. Apparently the impact caused my dick to totally bottom out in her and from the way we fell…I had managed to rip her a little. She was bleeding, but other than a burning from the rip, she was okay. I, on the other hand, was having trouble breathing and my dick was throbbing with pain…each throb more painful than the last.
The next day I got up to get ready for work and I couldn’t put on my jeans. My dick hurt so bad that anything that touched it felt like a million needles piercing the flesh. I made a doctors appointment. The doctor said I had some severe bruising and had torn some tissue in the shaft…long story short: I broke my penis.
I was unable to have any type of sexual activity again for a little over two weeks and I thanked god(s) I didn’t bite my tongue off. The worst part was that Valentine’s day was the following week and as hard as I tried, it was too painful to make love to her; just getting an erection hurt like hell.
Eventually it healed and we went right back to the way we were before except for one thing: apparently something about the injury had made certain parts more sensitive than before…ultra, ultra sensitive. I dont know if it was some kind of nerve damage or what, but the underside of my shaft became 10 times more sensitive than it had ever been. It’s still really, really sensitive today and is the one place I ask women to concentrate on whenever they are giving me head. *hint hint ladies*
OK so here I am getting ready to review sex toys, and am obsessed with sock monkeys and Pez dispensers and all KINDS of useless crap, but I think we should kick off the “It’s Broken” theme week with a 20 minute video on The Story of Stuff. Notice how Annie Leonard acts like she is talking to a bunch of children. It’s like Blue’s Clues for the masses. Hopefully, we get a clue.
Stay tuned in the upcoming week for stories about broken dicks, pussies, hearts, and more. Groove off of other people’s pain. Do you know the fancy word for that, boys and girls? Schadenfreude.
Yep, the Sex Toys from VibeReview arrived. Look at how Belle arranged them for me to find. 
The first one I’ll review next week is the nose on the smiley face - The Silver Bullet.
Here’s a typical suck/fuck clip featuring a girl that Beau would like.
1. I call her a girl because she HAS NO PUBIC HAIR.
2. In fact, she practically has Barbie genitals. It’s all waxed and bleached down there, kinda weird.
3. That purple leopard print thing she is wearing is fucking awful.
4. I like how she holds the cock rather daintily, like she’s at a tea party.
5. Um, the setting is a little weird - are they in the Precious Moments chapel??
6. I’m impressed with how much of that cock she can fit down her throat.
7. I like the spit.
(OK here’s where I paused it so I could go check out an abandoned church with Belle..)
8. Ooh, she’s giving his nuts a tongue bath!
9. UGH her sex face looks like Hilary Swank. She looks annoyed.
10. Yikes his cock is as big as her thigh!
11. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think this woman enjoys sex very much.
12. The dude has nice, thick hairy arms (good), but a ponytail and a buzzed crotch (very bad).
13. Fellas, don’t eat pussy like that. That’s just obnoxious.
14. I like how he positions her body, like she’s a rag doll.
OK I’ve lost interest. I’m going to wander off and masturbate. But I’m going to think about something else.
When he’s pleasuring one of us and we’re squirming and making happy sounds and have our eyes closed in bliss, but he’s not sure why we like it so much, he’ll look at the other one of us and smile and shrug.
Next week Beau will be back in town from his big boy road trip (they are in Las Vegas now) and then it will be his 40th birthday.
What, dear readers, should we do to celebrate this monumental occasion? Say Thursday night, or the weekend. (Next Sunday he is getting his big arm tattoo finished, yay!)
He has already
- sky dived
- bungee jumped
- had threesomes galore
B-Diddle has suggested ordering a few more women and filming a lesbian orgy, but I think we might need to come up with something a little kid-friendlier. Maybe camping, zoo, a concert, a day trip?
So far, Beau is leaning towards Dave & Buster’s, which I will do because I love him and it’s his birthday, but I sure hope we can come up with something better than that. Oh god just thinking about that option makes me break out in a pretentious sweat.
Check this out, dear readers:
Dear Beautiful,
ha ha, you will love this, my husband is a security guard and two valets walked in talking about the gay pride parade and going to the strip club. He told them that we would be there and hopefully they would run into each other. Then he told them that they should check out your website sometime.
They Loved It and the next day told his boss that he should check out the website that he told them about. Well, he got called into the office and was fired for solicitation of sex! So, my husband has been fired over your web page, just for mentioning it. He said that at least it was worth it.
Wow. And here I get annoyed every time I hear my site is blocked at someone’s place of work. Hell I even heard it’s blocked at St. Louis Bread Co.
I also hear that a lot of people have a ritual of reading it first thing when they get into the office, before other people arrive. I’ve also heard some people save it til the end of the day as a reward for a hard day worked. However you handle your TBK habit, be careful with it. Let this be a lesson.
Meanwhile, I think this guy is going to find a job where he can talk about my website, like as a bouncer at a strip club. His wife told me they hang out there enough anyway, he might as well get paid to do it instead of doing all the paying out!
Tristan Taormino was in St. Louis a couple weeks ago promoting her new book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I was so excited to meet her in real life after admiring her for so many years for all her amazing sexpertise.
It was liberating sitting with the crowd that gathered to hear her read from her latest book. Cuz even though I am in a triad relationship, my man wants it closed. He doesn’t want us dating or exploring other people. But I do.
So I’ve felt guilty for having those desires, because they don’t match up to my current situation. In the past when I was swingle I was able to act on my curiosity and affection, and that felt natural to me. Beau thinks it’s unhealthy behavior. He has informed me on more than one occasion, “You know, you don’t HAVE to fuck all of your friends.”
Anyway, I felt normal and validated in her presence, surrounded by a crowd of mostly polyamorous and definitely open-minded folks. (I’ll have you know that I’ve only slept with six of the people who were there.) It was weird to be in a room full of people who have had threesomes, multiple girlfriends, or been to bath houses, and all of this is normal for them and can be discussed openly. It’s not a big secret! If I were to go up to any of them and announce, “I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend,” I wouldn’t get nervous and envious looks. They wouldn’t bat an eye. They would say, “So? I do, too.” Wow.
So the book. I’m impressed. I’d say it’s a must-own, right up there with The Ethical Slut. An excerpt:
There’s a significant indicator that monogamous marriages and relationships are not working: cheating is epidemic. The 1953 Kinsey Study reported that 26% of wives and 50% of husbands had at least one affair by the time they were 40. Other studies followed, with similar findings. For those people who manage to avoid cheating (or being cheated on), there is still a general dissatisfaction with monogamous relationships. Complaints about being stuck in a rut abound. Lots of people seem pretty unhappy.
Like I’ve said in a previous comment on this blog, I’ve experienced cheating in every capacity, but I have never been cheated on. This is because I “allow” the men I’m with to explore other women. I think it’s natural. They tend to appreciate this freedom (A LOT), but for the most part they don’t allow me the same freedom. I find this annoying.
This book explores different options to monogamy. And what surprised me is that Tristan doesn’t just discuss swinging and polyamory. She offers six basic models of non-monogamy, and urges you to customize those models for what is right for you. This equals endless possibilities. Here are the basic styles:
Do any of these styles appeal to you? Or is being monogamous the right choice for you? The book explores each of these options in depth, and is a huge resource for information. (Tristan continues to update her list of resources on her website here.)
It’s Christmas in July for TBK - VibeReview is sending me a brimmin’ boxful of sex toys to review on the site (as if I didn’t already have one of the best toy boxes in town - I’m going to have to trade my hat box in for a trunk!)
This is perfect timing because I’ve been using the Hitachi Magic Wand like a bored housewife. It is old reliable. Yes, I am ready for some FRESH BLOOD to get me off.
VR gave me a sneak peek at what they are sending me - this stuff looks like high-class alien probes. I mean, look at this We-Vibe. Freaky, no? And check out The Miracle Massager, Hitachi’s evil twin! And Liv looks like a Mac Book’s naughty little sister. Be still, my beating pussy…
Yes, yet another reason never to leave the house… stay tuned for the latest buzz!
Alias: sorry, beautiful. formerly: S.
Age: 24
Relationship status: Currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend, who’s pretty darn neat.
Sexual orientation: I would say straight with strong bi-curious undertones. I know I like to make out with girls, and boobs are fun. I’ve never gone down on a girl but I’ve had one go down on me. I wasn’t really into it but I wasn’t really into her/the situation, so I would like to try it again on my own terms.
Favorite physical feature on yourself: I would say my hair and my smile. Who doesn’t like a happy redhead?
Beauty tip: Hmmm, I think that doing anything which actually makes you feel pretty will make you prettier in the end. Short of that: go without makeup for at least one day a week and get some sleep!
Charity you support: I’m one of those crappy people that only sporadically gives to or supports charities. However, between my sister and I we have “adopted” a manatee, a wolf, a whale, a tiger, and a penguin. I’m also a big fan of buying gifts for angel trees and donating personal items to woman’s shelters and vets. Oh! I dropped my boyfriend off at Habitat for Humanity this morning, does that count? Because I had to get up early…
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Oh my gosh, lets see: guitar, viola, voice, painting, dance, sculpture/pottery, yoga, poetry, literature, a foreign language ,cooking… the list goes on. Pretty much anything that isn’t what I am currently studying.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? Ha, anything! I like learning new words. But I guess the highest on my list would be to learn a language that isn’t English. I feel like such a dumb ethnocentric American when everyone else in the world is at least bilingual.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? I’m not sure, I had a pretty good imagination but I think I just gave personalities to my stuffed animals. One night I had picked out one animal (Elaroo, if anyone remembers the wuzzles) to sleep with me in bed and my dad came in and said something about how all the other animals would be sad that they couldn’t sleep on the bed. The next morning my parents found me on the floor with all the stuffed animals in my bed. I distinctly remember being very upset that any of my animals would be sad.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Got divorced.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): I think I’m pretty good at making conversation. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a talent but it serves me pretty well most of the time.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): I don’t really know, enjoying it? It turns out that I’m also pretty good at dirty talk (at least my bf seems to enjoy it).
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 18, that’s right baby, legal.
The last time you had sex, and with whom: Last night with the boyfriend.
Tattoos/piercings: I have two tattoos on my back, a chakra (Manipura or the third if anyone cares) and a lotus. I used to have my navel pierced but I got bored with it and took it out one day. A couple months ago I got my hood pierced, that was pretty exciting.
What type of person are you into? Good people. Someone who I know that I or anyone else could call in a pinch and that person would do anything in their power to help. I also like to laugh, so a sense of humor is a must. Past that I just need a person that will put up with my oddities.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? All sorts of things. Right now I’m into thinking about having a whole line of guys fuck me in succession while my boyfriend watches. I would also like to blow his mind one day by showing up with another girl and tease, fuck, lick him until he can’t move anymore. In general I like being totally dominated/tied down.
Pubic hairstyle: It varies with my mood. Right now the bottom of my labia are shaved but everything else is pretty well grown out. I really dislike being fully shaved so at the most I will trim. What’s the point of being a natural redhead if you can’t prove it?
What do your nipples look like? (*looks down shirt*) When I’m not aroused they are soft and a pale pink to the point where they almost blend in with the rest of my skin. When I am turned on they are a nice darker shade of pink. Not really sure how to describe the shape.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? One time my boyfriend and I were at some park and when no one was around he put me on a picnic table, lifted up my dress and fucked me. We finished right before someone came around the corner, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t notice his cum dripping down my leg. It was a good time.
Any regrets? Oh, I guess–but if I had done anything differently I could have a much different/worse life now–so I try not to dwell on them.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? I have no idea! But I’m flattered!
- she’s a goddess
- she’s a former prostitute and embraces the word “whore”
- she’s bisexual
- she puts on fem-positive shows, complete with a “Public Cervix Announcement,” which includes a speculum and a flashlight so the audience can view her cervix
- she’s running the Love Art Lab, where she and her partner act on their motto: “Eroticise everything.” Like, even cancer.
- she created a documentary on orgasm
- In her own words: “The secret of sacred slutism is being consciously aware of our slutty side, our animal side, nurturing that side of us, the wildwoman, the inner whore in all of us.” This applies to both men and women, by the way.
- she created a documentary on her porn career. Called Herstory, here’s the description: “Marvel at rare hippie porn, early fetish films, feminist porn, art porn, couples erotica, transsexual docu-porn, and more…”
- an amputee fucked her with his stump
- she has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality
- one of her films is titled My Father is Coming
Annie says: “The thing about sex is, it’s enormous, it’s so humongous, it’s not simple.”
She is lying facedown, and he is on top of her.
He is inside her.
I take my head and stick it between the two of them, and feel all the sweat their body heat has generated.
I feel his chest hair tickling on her ultra-smooth back.
The other night Belle and I were in a mischievous mood, so we gave Beau a double whammy - we wanted him to be sub AND roleplay, both things he is not very good at. But he was a good sport, so he let us pick out his costume and tell him what to do.
We decided he would be the plumber and we would be the hot lesbian couple luring him over in order to steal his sperm. We made him wear jeans, a wifebeater, sexxy black boots that would be a hit at any gay pride parade (did you go yesterday? what did you think?) and Belle clipped a tape measure to his belt loop. His arm tattoos and shaved head nicely matched the blue collar look.
We made him go pretend to work in the bathroom, and we scampered up to the bedroom, stripped, and got in bed. When he had finished checking out our plumbing, he called up the stairs, “Ma’am?”
“Upstairs!” Belle called back. “Come on up.”
He ascended the stairs warily, pushed open the door, and his eyes widened at the sight of us in bed.
“Oh, this is my lover,” Belle said, “We’re in the middle of something here, would you mind going over to the dresser and handing me my wallet?”
He did, and when he handed it to Belle, she opened it up and offered him some cash, but as he reached for it she snatched it back, saying, “Look, we’ll give you another $200 if you fuck us both and leave us with your sperm. We’re trying to have a baby and you seem like a nice stud. Now get on this bed, we’re ovulating!”
It pained him to take orders from her, but he did as he was told. He laid between us, and we stroked and kissed on him.
“Did you get this one in prison, honey?” I asked coyly, stroking the tattoo on his bicep.
“Yep, and I have to say it’s nice to be out and with women again. I had to buddy up with my cell mate, which wasn’t too bad. He mostly sucked my cock. He was a big dude, we got pretty tight.”
I said, “Oh really? And what was his name?”
“B-Diddle,” he replied, and I broke out of character and busted out LAUGHING omg wtf?? He SO did that for my benefit! {{~they are leaving on a cross-country road trip together today, now I wonder what kind of male bonding they will do~}}
I pulled myself together and Belle told him to seduce me, kiss me, stroke me, try to arouse me, even though he was just a lowly man and we normally have no use for them.
She straddled him and pinned his hands behind his head and dommed him, and he HATED it. He kept fighting it, sassing her back. Then he told us it was OK to slap his face. Really???
I tentatively patted him hard on the cheek. He laughed at my wimpy attempt, and said, “I know Belle can do better than that.”
Sure enough she hauled off and smacked him good! He took it like a man.
Often I hear people wonder how certain fetishes come to be. Here’s one that I don’t understand - Messy Girls. Women covered in chocolate, shave cream, mud, paint, pudding, just about anything. Why? Do you have any insight? Is it supposed to symbolize defiling a woman, covering her in cum? I’m sure texture is involved.
I love when sex is messy, when you and your partner are sticky and glued together with sweat, cum, female ejaculate… I love seeing a man’s chest hair slicked down with perspiration or when he’s showering, but the thought of him covered in silver paint or chocolate pudding doesn’t do it for me.
Is it art? I think it would be fun to be a messy girl model - do you think they get turned on by it? It strikes me as playful - I wonder what kind of guy likes this stuff. Would he be dom or sub? Would he have a good sense of humor? Does he go to the grocery store and walk through the pudding aisle and imagine how it would look on the cashier up front?
A guy films his neighbors fucking in this porn clip.
1. I love the red bikini.
2. I love her sensuous moves on the hammock.
3. Why is he filming the trash?? Hold the camera steady dude! Fucking amateur…
4. What a good looking couple.
5. Yesss, untie that bikini top…
6. I’m enjoying the lack of cheesy porn music. So natural, so sexy.
7. Makes me want to fuck outdoors. It’s like watching Adam and Eve.
8. Mmmm, I love the way a man’s hands grip a woman when he’s fucking her doggy style. And he’s giving her a little smacky smacky on her ass! Cute.
9. She must do yoga, that’s the Downward Dog position. FOR REAL hahaha
10. Aww when they finish they kiss and he helps her put her bikini back on. I love a happy ending.
If you were this peepin’ tom, would you keep watching? Would you film it? Would you put it on the internet?? I wonder what the couple would say if they knew it was out there…
Beau: I think I’m going to go see a movie later today. (gets online) Boy, there are a lot out I want to see - the new Hulk movie, Get Smart, Love Guru, Zohan… are you interested in any of those?
Me: Um, no. I’m not into recycled schlock, thanks.
Beau: I guess I’ll go by myself.
Me: You know what would be cool? If you were to buddy up with a group home of mentally retarded people and take them to see these kind of movies. They would love it, you’d have company, and it would be good community service.
Beau: Does it ever get tiresome for you to be so much better than everyone else? Does it ever get wearisome?
Me: I am pretty exhausted.
- Feeling left out and insecure at times
- Less sex (seriously, you have three moods to negotiate)
- It’s a challenge finding a bathtub for three (rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub my ASS)
- Social stigma
- Coinciding PMS
- Having to coordinate three schedules
- Lack of closet space
- It’s hard to find alone time if you want it
- The middle sometimes gets too hot for sleeping
- More emotional baggage to deal with
- It costs more for plane tickets and dinner
- You have two partners to catch cooties from, so a cold can linger in the house for a month
- Your single friends are jealous of you
- It’s hard to figure out whose family you’ll spend the holidays with
- There are more birthdays and events to keep in mind
- It really is more complicated
- You have less to fantasize about because your real sex life is better than most people’s fantasies
I’ve always been jealous of those people with mates who will pop their back zits for them. It’s so chimp groomesque.
So I was surprised and pleased to discover that Belle is a zit popper. She’ll inspect my back and take care of picking my nits. I find it both creepy and soothing.
The other day she wasn’t around and I had a back zit so I shyly asked Beau to get it for me. HE DID! So now I have TWO back zit poppin’ partners. Wow.
Do you engage in this type of behavior? Beau said he had one girlfriend who was into it, but when he offered to do it with his next girlfriend, she was horrified.
PS: My daughter calls pimples “pimps.” Heh.
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