Read more about it here.

I got my check the other day, but

a) since you can get tons of porn online for free

b) I know Bush wants me to spend it

I’m going to put it in my savings account.

Not only that, but I took the typical American route of childbirth and went to the hospital, got an epidural, laid on my back, had an episiotomy (a surgical incision in the perineum made to enlarge the vagina and assist childbirth), and had my baby vacuumed out of me. (One thing I didn’t experience was a C-section.) If all this sounds whack to you, I highly recommend you read Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf and watch The Business of Being Born.

This was absolutely one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have no idea how women do this more than once. It is one of the only times I have literally seen stars and fainted. The doctor stitched me up down there ala Frankenpussy.

After they took the urinary catheter out and my epidural wore off, I went to the bathroom. You know how you can stop and start the flow of urine? To my horror, the pee fell out of me. I had no control over it whatsoever. I wept. They gave me warm compresses to put on my traumatized pussy and told me not to have sex for six weeks.

Breastfeeding pretty much killed my sex drive, but we did have sex a month or two after I gave birth. And guess what? It hurt. The episiotomy scar was raw and intense. I kept waiting for my sex drive to return and for it to stop hurting during sex. Several times I thought I was broken forever, and that I’d never enjoy sex again like I did before. Dark times, people.

It took a year, but I finally fully healed and reclaimed my body (I breastfed for a year). I do my Kegel exercises and even have a vaginal barbell. The whole point of this post is to let all you new moms and dads know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure if childbirth has something to do with it or if it’s just me sexually evolving, but I’m more orgasmic and love fucking more than ever.

Just don’t get me pregnant, OK?

Of all the women I’ve dated, there was one with whom I will always say I truly discovered my sexual prowess. Her name was Jennifer and we dated for about a year when I was 22-23 and she was 18. She was a great girl and sexy as hell. She was 5′ 10″, curly black hair, amazing curves for someone as thin as she was. She was just adorable as fuck. She could be wearing baggy sweats with her hair pulled back and no make up and could still make me want her with just one look.

Our libidos were perfect matches and we were fucking like rabbits all the time. It was with her that doggy style, reverse cowgirl and 69 became my favorite sexual positions because our bodies seemed like they were just made for one another and every one of those positions produced multiple orgasms for both of us. Until we met I didn’t even know guys could have multiples.

But Jennifer didn’t have a lot of sexual experience so I had to guide her through a lot of things. When she first gave me head, she would scrape her teeth a bit and it hurt like hell. She would get a little upset about not being able to please me in that way so I would explain that she should just pretend she is eating a popsicle (minus the biting).

After that she began to give amazing head and I had no trouble at all getting off each and every time. I would also explain how in certain positions when I went in at certain angles, I could hit certain spots that were sure to feel amazing. Before long she had figured out how she needed to move and at what angles to hit those same spots herself and also to return the favor.

We more or less educated each other and tried just about everything we could think of every wanting to try. Every night we spent hour after hour making love and constantly switching positions…going from slow and steady…to just pounding the hell out each other. She was the one I will never forget and will probably compare every woman to sexually for the rest of my life.

We got home that night and Jennifer was feeling friskier than usual, so she did a strip tease for me beside my huge sleigh bed. After she had removed all her clothes and mine, I bent her over the foot board and fucked her from behind while simultaneously stimulating her clit with my fingers. That double whammy orgasm drove her up the wall.

She pushed me down on the bed and climbed atop me in the reverse cowgirl position and begins riding the shit out of me. Just before I was about to cum, she climbed off and looked at me for a minute and says “Not yet.” I don’t think my dick has been that hard in the years since or ever will be again.

She gave me enough time to recover just a bit, then climbed on top of me and started kissing my chest and neck, rubbing my dick between her labia and letting it slide inside just a tad before sliding it back out…doing all the little things she knew would drive me crazy. I was so fucking hard I could have drove nails with that bastard.

Finally she grabbed hold of the headboard and I slid inside her. She started vehemently thrusting her hips into me and I got really into it so on her downstroke I begin thrusting upward nearly bottoming out and hitting every sensitive spot on the way. She was clawing at my chest and moaning louder than I had ever heard her before and my body was on fire. It felt like the tip of my dick was going to explode, but it felt so…damn…good!

I felt her legs begin to twitch and realized that I too was about to cum. We’d come together before, but the way we had been having sex this time…I wondered if we would both pass out. She orgasmed once and then again and I had to hold on to her as shockwave after shockwave made her whole body jerk. I came and my dick felt like a fucking water hose…how much could possibly come out? I thought my hair was going to literally come out of my scalp because I could feel every little follicle tingling.

Right at that moment I heard a crack. Then another. Then the right side of the mattress began to slide and the whole fucking thing hit the floor. I, with my dick still inside Jennifer, came crashing down on top of it.

Jennifer let out a little yelp and I heard her begin to cry. I couldn’t see what she had hit because there was a pain in my groin that felt like a 5000 pound elephant just stepped on it. After a few minutes I was able to talk and she had stopped crying. Apparently the impact caused my dick to totally bottom out in her and from the way we fell…I had managed to rip her a little. She was bleeding, but other than a burning from the rip, she was okay. I, on the other hand, was having trouble breathing and my dick was throbbing with pain…each throb more painful than the last.

The next day I got up to get ready for work and I couldn’t put on my jeans. My dick hurt so bad that anything that touched it felt like a million needles piercing the flesh. I made a doctors appointment. The doctor said I had some severe bruising and had torn some tissue in the shaft…long story short: I broke my penis.

I was unable to have any type of sexual activity again for a little over two weeks and I thanked god(s) I didn’t bite my tongue off. The worst part was that Valentine’s day was the following week and as hard as I tried, it was too painful to make love to her; just getting an erection hurt like hell.

Eventually it healed and we went right back to the way we were before except for one thing: apparently something about the injury had made certain parts more sensitive than before…ultra, ultra sensitive. I dont know if it was some kind of nerve damage or what, but the underside of my shaft became 10 times more sensitive than it had ever been. It’s still really, really sensitive today and is the one place I ask women to concentrate on whenever they are giving me head. *hint hint ladies*

Stay tuned in the upcoming week for stories about broken dicks, pussies, hearts, and more. Groove off of other people’s pain. Do you know the fancy word for that, boys and girls? Schadenfreude.

The first one I’ll review next week is the nose on the smiley face - The Silver Bullet.

1. I call her a girl because she HAS NO PUBIC HAIR.
2. In fact, she practically has Barbie genitals. It’s all waxed and bleached down there, kinda weird.
3. That purple leopard print thing she is wearing is fucking awful.
4. I like how she holds the cock rather daintily, like she’s at a tea party.
5. Um, the setting is a little weird - are they in the Precious Moments chapel??
6. I’m impressed with how much of that cock she can fit down her throat.
7. I like the spit.
(OK here’s where I paused it so I could go check out an abandoned church with Belle..)
8. Ooh, she’s giving his nuts a tongue bath!
9. UGH her sex face looks like Hilary Swank. She looks annoyed.
10. Yikes his cock is as big as her thigh!
11. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think this woman enjoys sex very much.
12. The dude has nice, thick hairy arms (good), but a ponytail and a buzzed crotch (very bad).
13. Fellas, don’t eat pussy like that. That’s just obnoxious.
14. I like how he positions her body, like she’s a rag doll.

OK I’ve lost interest. I’m going to wander off and masturbate. But I’m going to think about something else.

What, dear readers, should we do to celebrate this monumental occasion? Say Thursday night, or the weekend. (Next Sunday he is getting his big arm tattoo finished, yay!)

He has already
- sky dived
- bungee jumped
- had threesomes galore

B-Diddle has suggested ordering a few more women and filming a lesbian orgy, but I think we might need to come up with something a little kid-friendlier. Maybe camping, zoo, a concert, a day trip?

So far, Beau is leaning towards Dave & Buster’s, which I will do because I love him and it’s his birthday, but I sure hope we can come up with something better than that. Oh god just thinking about that option makes me break out in a pretentious sweat.

Dear Beautiful,

ha ha, you will love this, my husband is a security guard and two valets walked in talking about the gay pride parade and going to the strip club. He told them that we would be there and hopefully they would run into each other. Then he told them that they should check out your website sometime.

They Loved It and the next day told his boss that he should check out the website that he told them about. Well, he got called into the office and was fired for solicitation of sex! So, my husband has been fired over your web page, just for mentioning it. He said that at least it was worth it.

Wow. And here I get annoyed every time I hear my site is blocked at someone’s place of work. Hell I even heard it’s blocked at St. Louis Bread Co.

I also hear that a lot of people have a ritual of reading it first thing when they get into the office, before other people arrive. I’ve also heard some people save it til the end of the day as a reward for a hard day worked. However you handle your TBK habit, be careful with it. Let this be a lesson.

Meanwhile, I think this guy is going to find a job where he can talk about my website, like as a bouncer at a strip club. His wife told me they hang out there enough anyway, he might as well get paid to do it instead of doing all the paying out!

Tristan Taormino

It was liberating sitting with the crowd that gathered to hear her read from her latest book. Cuz even though I am in a triad relationship, my man wants it closed. He doesn’t want us dating or exploring other people. But I do.

So I’ve felt guilty for having those desires, because they don’t match up to my current situation. In the past when I was swingle I was able to act on my curiosity and affection, and that felt natural to me. Beau thinks it’s unhealthy behavior. He has informed me on more than one occasion, “You know, you don’t HAVE to fuck all of your friends.”

Anyway, I felt normal and validated in her presence, surrounded by a crowd of mostly polyamorous and definitely open-minded folks. (I’ll have you know that I’ve only slept with six of the people who were there.) It was weird to be in a room full of people who have had threesomes, multiple girlfriends, or been to bath houses, and all of this is normal for them and can be discussed openly. It’s not a big secret! If I were to go up to any of them and announce, “I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend,” I wouldn’t get nervous and envious looks. They wouldn’t bat an eye. They would say, “So? I do, too.” Wow.

So the book. I’m impressed. I’d say it’s a must-own, right up there with The Ethical Slut. An excerpt:

There’s a significant indicator that monogamous marriages and relationships are not working: cheating is epidemic. The 1953 Kinsey Study reported that 26% of wives and 50% of husbands had at least one affair by the time they were 40. Other studies followed, with similar findings. For those people who manage to avoid cheating (or being cheated on), there is still a general dissatisfaction with monogamous relationships. Complaints about being stuck in a rut abound. Lots of people seem pretty unhappy.

Like I’ve said in a previous comment on this blog, I’ve experienced cheating in every capacity, but I have never been cheated on. This is because I “allow” the men I’m with to explore other women. I think it’s natural. They tend to appreciate this freedom (A LOT), but for the most part they don’t allow me the same freedom. I find this annoying.

This book explores different options to monogamy. And what surprised me is that Tristan doesn’t just discuss swinging and polyamory. She offers six basic models of non-monogamy, and urges you to customize those models for what is right for you. This equals endless possibilities. Here are the basic styles:

• Partnered Nonmonogamy - a committed couple who want a relationship that is erotically nonmonogamous
• Swinging - nonmonogamy in a social context, a lifestyle
• Poylamory - more than one relationship that is sexual, loving, emotional
• Solo Polyamory - nonmonogamous people who don’t want a primary partner
• Polyfidelity - Three or more people who have made a commitment to be in a primary relationship
• Monogamous/Nonmonogamous Combo - One person is monogamous, the other is not

Do any of these styles appeal to you? Or is being monogamous the right choice for you? The book explores each of these options in depth, and is a huge resource for information. (Tristan continues to update her list of resources on her website here.)