The Beautiful Kind

Here’s a guy who hasn’t had sex since he got in a car accident that turned his life upside down…

Name: Tiger, 33, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: women
Last time you got laid: Dec, 2000 [probably plain missionary]
Where do you live? Wood River, IL
Your living arrangement: apartment, live alone
Job situation: unemployed
Fashion sense: break away athletic pants, t-shirts, hoodies, baseball hat, house shoes
Grooming habits: bathe daily, cologne in summer
Do you floss regularly? yes
Do you drink? occasionally
Do you have pets? 2 cats
Hobbies: drawing, writing
Do you exercise regularly? yes-lifting weights is all I can do, people stretch my legs for me
Places you hang out: home or tattoo parlor [when it’s warm]
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? 1
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? 1
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) [the last girl I fucked] she is living with a guy, plus I am paralyzed from the waist down which makes me less confident in myself.
How’s your eye contact? eye contact is important to me
What do you like to eat? fruits, vegetables, chicken, fish
What kind of porn do you like? haven’t seen porn in 10 years
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? no fetish, giving oral sex turns me on
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I can be both, doesn’t matter to me, I would be tied up or do the tying
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7-8
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 6
One word to describe your voice: deep
Car you drive or means of transportation: unable to drive
Financial situation (broke, paying the bills, flush, loaded): paying the bills, a little extra
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I have a 14 year old son, would date someone with kids
Religion: agnostic
Charity you would give money to: stem cell research, cancer kids, or humane society
Music you listen to: rock, rap, reggae, blues, oldies
Movies you have loved: Silence of the lambs, Pulp fiction, Misery, Legends of the fall
How often do you watch television? everyday
Favorite holiday: Independence day, Halloween
Person you respect/admire: I respect my mother
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): 1 serious relationship, not divorced, been in love once
Any physical issues: paralyzed from the waist down

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: OK, so we know WHY you’re not getting laid - life threw you a curve ball and you’ve found your options limited. You don’t drive or work, and you use a wheelchair, all factors that affect your social life. How are the transportation services where you live? You’re near St. Louis, right? Have you been to Paraquad? I hear it’s full of hot therapy chicks who date sexy dudes in wheelchairs. You might want to join a quad rugby team, like St. Louis Rolling Rams - STUDS ON WHEELS!! And yes you need to try and get out more and work on the confidence issue. IF you can pull off the confidence, women will hang all over you and ask you about your tattoos. A wheelchair can be just as much a chick magnet as a dog or baby. You are a sexy badass, after all. How’s the online world treating you? Have you tried reaching out that way? myspace, okcupid, a tattoo networking site? Be upfront about your disability, but woo the ladies with your brilliant mind, thoughts, ideas. Hook them and then let them ask you all the questions one has about people with disabilities and sexuality. Cuz you have answers!! So cool that the documentary Murderball addressed some of those burning questions, you know, like, do you get horny, can you get hard, how do you fuck? Finally, have you thought about volunteering somewhere, like the information desk at a hospital or the humane society? A great way to meet tons of people and engage with them. Finally, why haven’t you watched porn in 10 years??? I’m just wondering.

Preface from Professor X: I’m happily married, but really would like to explore my sexuality more fully, with other women. My wife and I have considered swinging, open marriage, other alternatives to try to help me, but she isn’t entirely comfortable so we haven’t tried anything of the sort. So I’m not actually trying to get laid. I’m a college professor, decent looking, I’m a seriously awesome human being, really, and I am sure I have student crushes, but not one has ever tried to seduce me. I’m not saying I would be vulnerable to the seduction, (maybe so, maybe not) but I’m a little insulted that nobody has tried. What happened to all of those girls in college who had crushes on their professors? So this isn’t the normal, “why can’t I get laid” because I know it’s because I’m married and not trying, but it’s more “why don’t I feel like I could get laid if I wanted to?”

Name: Professor X, 35, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Last week, with my wife.
Where do you live? Seattle
Your living arrangement: With my wife and 4 children
Fashion sense: Slacks and button up casual shirt, with hiking boots (I know, but they are sooo comfortable…)
Grooming habits: Shower daily. No cologne but I mix my own after shave.
Do you floss regularly? No
Addicted to anything? Um… Sex?
Hobbies: Holy cow, do I have hobbies. I love to draw, paint, sculpt, play guitar, write, travel, hike, bicycle, and really above all other things READ.
Do you exercise regularly? I’m a bicycle commuter so ride my bike daily.
Places you hang out: The library, the park and a few coffee houses.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? I used to. I married one of them, and that relationship doesn’t really allow room for any others. I miss having female friends.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Seriously too many. I’m a college professor after all. I am surrounded by young nubile women. Of course, I’m not allowed to do any of them. The wife and administration both frown upon it.
What do you like to eat? Vegetarian food.
What kind of porn do you like? Hmm. Anything that seems like the people are authentically enjoying themselves.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I have a serious voyeuristic fetish.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 6
Last place you went on vacation: Italy and Switzerland
Financial situation: Paying the bills with some savings.
Your thoughts on breeding: I love kids. I have amazing kids. I have amazing sperm that breeds amazing kids. What can I say?
Charity you would give money to: Seattle Symphony, Union of Concerned Scientists
Political affiliation: Green Party best suits me, but I am going to have to vote democrat in the next election (I can’t believe they’ve brought me to this course!). My true feeling is that we need a pluralistic society similar to places like the Netherlands, where there are dozens of parties represented in parliament. Don’t even get me started on politics…
Music you listen to: Classical and Folk, mostly. I like variety so listen to the radio, but prefer to play my guitar or fiddle to listening to recorded music. Whatever happened to the days when people whipped out their fiddles on the porch in the evening rather than sitting in a corner clicking text messages while listening to their iPod?
Movies you have loved: Life is Beautiful, Queen Margot, Mullholland Drive, The Big Lebowski
Do you like to read? If so, what? Mostly try for lit, (mostly semi-modern stuff like Borges, Eco, Calvino) but really enjoy classical literature and philosophy as well. I have ~3000 books in my library and really wish I had time to read them all…
How often do you watch television? Never!
Restaurant you like: India palace
Person you respect/admire: Historical: Thomas Young Contemporary: Amy Goodman
Past relationship history: Been in love once, sex with 5 women but only two of them recurring partners. Really only one serious relationship with my first and only wife.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Oh my GAWD you are SUCH a professor! I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that you wear a corduroy jacket with elbow patches and a scarf and glasses. Since you sent me a pic of yourself, I do have to tell you - if you want your young nubile students crushing on you, you should get a haircut. Donate it to Locks of Love. An Owen Wilson style would look good on you.

I think you might come off as snooty and wimpy - you should try being more down-to-earth (OK, I suppose playing a fiddle on the front porch is pretty down-to-earth, but I’m not sure if that is surefire chick magnet behavior.) I dunno, I’ve dated my share of professors and they tend to get hit on every semester. Universities are regular pervert factories. Maybe you’re teaching the wrong classes.

Too bad you don’t live in France - having a young lover along with a wife and family is accepted over there, but I’ll bet most readers will think you’re a creep. As for me, I hear you. I think everyone should have erotic passion in their life. (I also think it is every man’s god given right to have two women suck his cock at once and for every woman to have an mfm threesome where she is QUEEN, but I digress.)

Oh and you should floss - food will sit between your teeth and rot in your mouth unless you get it out of there. Seriously, people who don’t floss are more prone to diseases, it’s not just about fresh breath. But at least you don’t eat corpses, yay veggie professor! And for godsake, keep that amazing sperm of yours away from the college kids.

Here is another virgin, this time a guy in his 30’s who wears funny shoes and has excellent taste in music.

Name: Joseph, 33, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women only
Last time you got laid: Virgin
Where do you live? Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA
Your living arrangement: Family
Job situation: Full time work
Fashion sense: Regular clothing. Sometimes I wear odd shoes.
Grooming habits: I bathe once or twice a day.
Hobbies: Collecting music
Places you hang out: Bars, coffee shops, libraries
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) 5 women. Let’s see mmmmmm.
1. Lady one: She is too far away and taken, and…
2. Lady two: She is not sexually social.
3. Lady three: I have never asked.
4. Lady Four: Married
5. Lady Five: I see her ever once in a while. I don’t really know how to get in contact with this women.
What kind of porn do you like? Not really a porn watching guy. However, the little porn I have watched suggests Milfs and older women are what I like. I am not attracted to the “just turned 18” girls.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? hahaha big lips, legs, raspy voice. Nice Ass (it’s the shape that matters not the size.)
Are you dom or sub? Relationshipwise, I only take charge when I have to.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 5
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 8
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) Want kids. I would date someone who had kids.
Religion: Protestant
Charity you would give money to: American Diabetes Association
Political affiliation: Liberal/democrat
Music you listen to: The Roots, Sting, Bjork, Dinah Washington, The Police, The Fall, Joy Division, Nellie Mckay, Bruce Hornsby, Pat Metheny, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Christian McBride, Jaco Pastorius, The Temptations, Level 42, Seal, U2, Doves, Coldplay, Soulive, Outkast, Medeski Martin & Wood, Charlie Hunter, B.B. king, Albert King, Albert Collins, John Lee Hooker, Fiona Apple, Steely Dan, Jimi Hendrix, Harry Connick Jr., Jeff Healey, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The White Stripes, Charlie Mingus, Mahalia Jackson, Opera (Luciano Pavarotti), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wynonna Judd, Diana Krall, Swing Out Sister, Michael Mcdonald, Talib Kweli, ELO, Prince, Led Zeppelin, The Clash, The Beatles, Barry White, Joe Satriani, Sara Gazarek, Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Queen, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra, David Bowie, Feist, Santana, Broken Social Scene, Al Green, Tears For Fears, Sade, Jamiroquai, Brad Mehldau, John Scofield, Brand New Heavies, Harry Connick Jr., Rage Against The Machine, Van Halen
Movies you have loved: Gladiator, High Fidelity, Highlander, Superman, Lord of The Rings Trilogy, Most of the Star Trek Films, The Star Wars Saga, The Matrix Trilogy, Heavy Metal, Ghost in the Shell 1&; 2, Akira, Bounty Dog, Stripes, Runaway Bride, Blazing Saddles, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill vol. 1- 2, Jackie Brown, Xanadu, Porco Rosso, The Unbelievable Truth, Eulogy, Grease, , Garden State, Roxanne, All I Want, The Women in Red, Meatballs, National Lampoon’s European vacation, The Neverending Story, Joe Vs. the Volcano, The Fountain, Happy Feet, The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, Girl Interrupted, Gia, Superman, The Usual Suspects, Juno, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
How often do you watch television? Not much at all. I prefer talking to people
Restaurants you like: Coffee shops, Chinese, the stereotypical sandwich shops
Person you respect/admire: God mother, Stephen Hawkings
Past relationship history: I have only had one relationship. That was also the only time I was “ in love.” We broke up because her parents wasn’t down with her dating a black guy. As in, super racist. That was a huge train wreck and really hurt.
Weird habit: I pace a lot

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Dear Joseph, you sound young at heart and you probably hang out with a young crowd. I think an ideal woman for you would be older, like a cougar (an older woman in her 40s-60s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20s or early 30s.) Someone with experience, and more likely to have a big ass and raspy voice. I’m sure you’re keeping your options open as far as race goes.

Also, your numbers are skewed. You’re a 5 but you expect your partner to be an 8? Then again it seems like your idea of attractiveness is not the typical ideal. You’re a social person, you make friends fast and easily, but you need to make the first move early on. Getting your own place near school will be a good move.

Do you go to church? Any interesting prospects there? Why don’t you put an ad up on a dating site saying you’re looking for an older woman to attend concerts with you? Or someone who likes watching fun films? Include a lot of the details you put in this questionnaire and I think you’ll do well. It sounds like you have a lot to offer when it comes to music, make that work for you. Also when you’re on a date, ask questions and listen, don’t do all the talking.

I don’t think you’ve had a chance to heal from your one doomed relationship. You need to push yourself a little harder into the dating scene, break past that “friends” barrier. I can already picture you with an older outgoing sassy woman who smokes and twitches her ass when she walks but has a heart full of love and God. You’ll be going to brunch after church, and she’ll feel so proud to have you as her arm candy.

Here is a cute virgin from India. Like I know anything about India’s dating culture. This will be fun.

Name: Devesh, 20, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Never. How I can explain that further, i have no clue…
Where do you live? India.
Your living arrangement: With parents. Moving out this summer.
Job situation: In college. I reckon that rings the “everybody gets laid in college” bell. Not here.
Fashion sense: Jeans, t-shirts (i love the batteres ones. you know the ragged out pieces anyone would discard or recycle?), or long sleeve shirts (nice, branded, starched ones. Or the “party” kind.)
Grooming habits: Shower at least once a day. Cologne: Old Spice
Do you drink? Not at all. But people don’t mind it (after all this time). Heck, they love gettin’ sloshed when I’m around. They kinda know I’ll get ‘em home.
Addicted to anything? Working out. It has ruled my life for the past 5 years. Beyond that, I make it a point to NOT get addicted to anything, so I never have a weakness. Explains why I never took the golden drag, even while a dozen people smoked up in the same room as me.
Hobbies: I used to be really into art in junior high. Then sang in high-school, but that was too little too late, so never made an on-stage performance. The work-out again fits here perfectly, as i have been at full-time (as a hobby beside college) since graduating school.
Places you hang out: Cafes, mostly. or a bar/pub. i almost never hang out without a friend/friends, if at all possible. If I had better company I would go see an art exhibition or a live music performance, or attend a book-reading. or something along those lines.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? Yes, loads. loyal an’ all…
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? A few. Like gfs of the above mentioned friends, and a few pals of my own.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Five or six of them. And my guess is nearly all, if not ALL, believe they have to be in a “relationship” to fuck. I don’t. BIG problem.
What do you like to eat? Clean food. Best example would be Subway. Roast-Chicken. A few Indian dishes. Nothing fried or sugary consists of my definition of clean food.
What kind of porn do you like? The kind where the girl orgasms for real. But really, the kind of porn I DON’T like is gay/BDSM. I haven’t seen much porn for a long time. (like 3-6 months, and that too was an accidental download)
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Pregnant babes. Notice “babes”.
Are you dom or sub: Complete DOM. I’m the “I’LL DO IT” guy.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7.5 going on 8.75 [mothers of gal-pals have described me as cute. never the girls themselves ]
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? Given the present scenario, even 6.5. heck, 5 will do.
One word to describe your voice: Spontaneous. Lousy word for a voice.
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I don’t have any. I wouldn’t mind having them either. I would date someone who has kids; which has nothing to do with my current situation (sex-starved).
Religion: Atheist
Charity you would give money to: None. Would rather do charity stuff myself.
Political affiliation: Considering the caste-politics prevalent in my part of the world, I’d say secular.
Music you listen to: Industrial Rock, Trance, Metal.
Movies you have loved: Roman holiday, Casablanca, The Last Samurai, Gone In 60 seconds, Don Juan de Marco, The Usual Suspects, Wall Street, Fight Club, Schindler’s List, The Godfather Trilogy.
Do you like to read? If so, what? I liked reading “The Godfather” so much I must’ve read it five times over. I liked Perry Mason, and a few other books. but now, most of my reading comes through the internet (blogs, websites, etc.)
Restaurant you like: Hole-in-the-wall joints. And SUBWAY!
Person you respect/admire: The Governator (Politician, Movie Star, Body-building star, what else could I possibly want?). Ram Jethmalani. (self) Made-men mostly. like first-generation gazzilionaires.
Past relationship history: I’ve been in love once. I had a relationship that lasted six-months (I called it off). Not in love with anyone right now.
Any STDs? phhhh. NO sex. No disease.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: I think it’s pretty normal for a 20-yr-old guy living with family to be a virgin, the circumstances aren’t ideal. But you are moving out this summer! You should try a night out on the town. I’m not sure what to tell you about the women who want a relationship if they’re going to have sex - maybe try for older women? You know, like your friend’s moms. You need to find someone more seasoned and relaxed than the college crowd, since that’s not working for you. Or hey get a job at the gym and do what the guy is doing in the pic above - that’ll get you laid. And for the love of god, ditch the Old Spice and get some better cologne. That might solve your problem right there. xoxo

Name: Isaac, 28, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: mainly women, but open to both.
Last time you got laid: about a month ago. Here’s my situation, I was fucking my ex-girlfriend well beyond the end, if you know what i mean. We had a beautiful baby girl 2 years ago, and we stayed together for about the first year and a half for the baby’s benefit. so we would fuck. the last time was about a month ago, but i’ve been trying to get with girls for over 6 months. a couple failed attempts.
Where do you live? saint louis , MO
Your living arrangement: I live in an apartment alone.
Job situation: i work for myself, i make fancy chocolates and other pastry chef duties, but i do this in my own home. I have a “chocolate room” in my apartment. I cater to a very discerning, underground crowd. I make good money, i love what i do.
Fashion sense: Baggy clothing, custom made cargo pants and shorts, i like to wear t-shirts, and on the other side of the coin i wear polos quite a bit…short sleeve shirts with collars. hemp pants sometimes.
Grooming habits: i bathe every other day on average, i smell good when i need to. Yes, i wear a cologne, smells nice.
Do you floss regularly? yep, with those little kevlar flosser things.
Do you drink? off and on….socially.
Do you smoke? not cigarettes.
Addicted to anything? No
Hobbies: partying, making chocolate for people, hand drums, photography, watching movies.
Sports: i hate sports. I played football in high school, but i don’t really like anything thats on TV, which includes sports. sports are for playing. I’m sure when my daughter is a little older i will be playing stuff with her.
Do you exercise regularly? when the weather allows.
Places you hang out: playground with my daughter, and basically one or 2 bars late at night. But last few months i haven’t really gone out much.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) about 8 . I think the main problem with most of them is that i am selfish, and i tend to be an introvert so i don’t talk to them very often, so they don’t think i want to be around them much. I feel if i devoted more time, that would be felt as more care. I’m not really sure if any of the girls i know, and like even are even interested in me.
What do you like to eat? usually homemade quality foods. or nice restaurants. i’m very loose on the food subject, i like all experiences in that realm.
Do you frequent strip clubs? only been 3 times. but i love the beautiful women everywhere !! ! its a novel experience for me.
What kind of porn do you like? young teen, amatuer stuff, giant black guys on small girls.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? i’ve always wanted a girl who sticks stuff in my butt, but i’ve never talked about it. i like woman who know what they want. i’m tired of girls who just sort of lay there.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) i like both, it depends on the moment and the person. i do like the idea of a woman dominating me though, because i myself am so dominant.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 5
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 3.5 love can overcome quite a bit.
One word to describe your voice: comforting
Car you drive or means of transportation: i am in between cars, i will be buying one shortly. this is a MAJOR factor in my social life. as i am very independent, and i don’t like cruising with friends all night doing the group thing.
Financial situation (broke, paying the bills, flush, loaded): that fluctuates quite a bit. it goes from Baller to payin the bills back to baller. back and forth
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) i have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. love kids. its all good. breeding is fun.
Religion: I believe in spirituality as opposed to religion. i am VERY open minded.
Charity you would give money to: National
Organization for the
Reform of
Marijuana
Laws
NORML.
Political affiliation: I don’t believe in politics, my head is not up my ass.
Music you listen to: literally everything. heavy on the hip hop, electronica, folk, and classical.
Movies you have loved: A very very long list, i will list just the ones that had a profound effect on me: Last of the Mohicans, Pulp Fiction, Magnolia, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, Easy Rider, the list is way too long. way, too, long.
Do you like to read? If so, what? Sometimes i read books on Zen, different types of philosophical shit you’d find in the SELF HELP SECTION. but generally i like cook books and other instructional technical books.
How often do you watch television?I hate tv, i watch a dvd on average once a night.
Restaurant you like: Mangia Italiano, and The King and i
Favorite holiday: 4/20
Person you respect/admire: Albert Einstein………Timothy Leary………Terance McKenna……………….My mom
Past relationship history: 2 serious relationships….first one was my high school girlfriend, that was from when i was 16-19…..second with my baby’s momma was from 22-28. i was deeply in love both times, but only for like the first half of each relationship.
Any physical issues: I am clearly overweight, though i am sexy…..i am just a huge guy…..not everyone digs on guys who are 6′5″ and over 325, very strong 325. i carry my weight very well, and i’m considered a pimp by my friends, but i just don’t have the follow through skills that i would like to have.
Weird habit: not really….

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Yep, you’re sexy. I think you’re just having a dry spell right now. I also think if someone saw you on the street, they would be completely intimidated by you. You need to find ways for women to see your soft gooey inside so that you are more approachable. Perhaps chatting them up online first and wowing them with your unconventional thinking. Your daughter is also a good prop for showing what a loverman you are.

Do you go to gay bars? Wouldn’t you be a bear-dream-come-true? I’m sure there are tons of men out there who would get off on your size and like to feel small next to you. I could also see you lording over a philosophy/metaphysical meetup group, which opens up dating possibilities.

Finally, I have a hunch you still have feelings for your babymomma - any interest in revisiting that scene?

This is a good friend of mine from Columbia, MO.

Name: Stryker, 30, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Just women
Last time you got laid: I can’t nail it down to the exact date, but I believe it was April or May.
Your living arrangement: I live alone in a 2-bedroom duplex
Job situation: I used to be an orchestral trumpet player. I just finished the prerequisites for medical school, and I am a supervisor at a supported living site for adults with developmental disabilities. I like my job, but I don’t like the micromanagement that we’re now getting from the administration.
Fashion sense: I am very diverse with wardrobe. I may wear slacks and a tie one day and shorts and a t-shirt the next day. I have three tuxes, but I also have overalls. I don’t try to dress trendy, but I try to look presentable most of the time.
Grooming habits: I shower at least once per day, and I do wear cologne.
Addicted to anything? Music
Hobbies: Classic car restoration, traveling, baking pies, reading when I have the time
Sports: I participate in triathlons, marathons, 5k races, rock/mountain climbing, and used to do drag racing. I enjoy watching all the above, in addition to Olympic sports, NCAA football, timber sports, and sometimes NCAA basketball
Do you exercise regularly? I exercise almost every day of the week.
Places you hang out: There really aren’t any good places here to hang out. There are a couple coffee shops I’ll go to for studying, or I’ll go to the library. I enjoy going to other cities to hang out, because I love to travel.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) I can think of about a dozen; the locals are in relationships, and the others live far from here.
What do you like to eat? I eat just about anything. If I’ve never had it, I’ll try it once to see if I like it. I cook a lot.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? What honestly turns me on the most is knowing that I’m providing pleasure to someone else. What also is a big turn on are massages, and slow dancing to some nice orchestral music or jazz, especially if preceded by drinking wine.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would
you be tied up or do the tying?) I would say I’m more dom than sub.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? I would rate myself around 7.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? This one is hard to answer, since my 10 would be much different than anyone else’s. I would say 6, though.
One word to describe your voice: Sanguine (um, I looked it up: cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident)
Car you drive or means of transportation: I drive a 2006 VW Jetta diesel; I also have a 2003 Honda Shadow motorcycle and a 1964 Chevrolet pickup. I drive the VW most of the time.
Last place you went on vacation: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Financial situation: I think I’m doing well. I make plenty to pay the bills and have enough for the occasional pleasure item and throw some where I can draw interest.
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I’m still undecided on this one. I would date someone with kids.
Religion: I don’t belong to any particular religion. I am probably most closely related to Catholicism, though, just because of the tradition in music.
Charity you would give money to: International Trumpet Guild
Music you listen to: I listen to everything except rap and pop country. My favorites, though, are orchestral and jazz.
Movies you have loved: Blazing Saddles, Airplane!, Office Space, Idiocracy, The Ten Commandments, A River Runs Through It
Do you like to read? If so, what? I do like to read. I love cookbooks and biographies. I also read Su Casa magazine and a few journals.
Person you respect/admire: I respect and admire many people. One who comes to mind is Adolph “Bud” Herseth. He was principal trumpet of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra for 53 years and was one of the most laid back and cool guys I’ve ever met…not to mention an amazing musician.
Past relationship history: I’ve had three pretty serious relationships. I can’t really say how many times I’ve been in love.
Any physical issues: I have braces on my teeth. They should be off in a few months.
Weird habit: I don’t think it’s all that weird, but many of my peers tell me it’s weird that I’m an early riser. I get up between 5:00 and 5:30 a.m.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well Stryker, if someone read this who didn’t know you, they would think you were a snootypants instead of being a small-town, down-to-earth boy at heart. I think you might intimidate or put off the average girl (except for your taste in movies). You need to tone it down if you’re hanging out in Columbia; otherwise, move to New York, Chicago or Boston where women can better relate to and appreciate your snooty ways. I also know that right now you are way too immersed in school to find time to date.

Since I am not the average girl and am a bit of a snob myself, it should be mentioned that I was able to see past your pretentious facade and we dated briefly until I moved out of town. A few things you don’t mention in this questionnaire is that you give an amazing massage, are a hopeless romantic (the dude’s apartment is clean and has candles!), and are fucking awesome at eating pussy.

You should put on one of those tuxes of yours and rent yourself out as a gigolo.

Here’s a computer geek from Billings, Montana.

Name: Sean, 18, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Last time I got laid was about 5 months ago when i broke up with my ex
Where do you live? Billings, Montana USA
Your living arrangement: I live in a house with a couple of my friends
Job situation: I have two jobs, one delivering pizzas and the other is the National Guard and I love both
Fashion sense: Mostly I dress casual
Grooming habits: Shower daily, shave every other day, wear cologne (lightly) daily
Addicted to anything? The internet, actually.
Hobbies: Video games, browsing the internet, shopping, billiards, bowling, fixing computers
Sports: Paintball, I try to get out as often as I can so maybe once or twice a month.
Do you exercise regularly? Yes, actually six days a week.
Places you hang out: Pool hall, work, the mall
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? A few
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? About 3-4
How many people do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Two people I work with I really would like to fuck, but be it conflicting schedules or habits nothing ever seems to happen. Another girl who I’ve stayed over at her house several times through the night but it’s awkward when we try anything, and another girl entirely who won’t fuck before marriage.
What do you like to eat? Sushi, healthy food, sandwiches, stir fry, anything Asian really.
What kind of porn do you like? I tend to like mild S&M, anal, guy on girl, orgies, three ways, amateur
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Panties… seeing them, feeling them, smelling them, they’re amazing. Biting… oh my god… almost anywhere especially my neck. Blood, the taste the feel the texture. dripping wax, there’s nothing quite like that i can assure you, roleplaying, Japanese women as well, not to such a degree as anything else but still.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I like both, it depends on my mood, sometimes I want to be controlled and demeaned, and other times I want to take charge and crack the whip.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6 on an off day but normally a 7
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 5
One word to describe your voice: Relaxing
Religion: Athiest
Charity you would give money to: Make a Wish Foundation
Music you listen to: Jazz, Metal, Rock, Classical
Movies you have loved: SLC Punk, Goodbye Lenin, Mostly Martha, Full Metal Jacket
Do you like to read? If so, what? Anything by Chuck Palahniuk, Ender’s Game, George Carlin
How often do you watch television? Very rarely
Restaurant you like: NARA (sushi bar)
Person you respect/admire: My grandfather
Past relationship history: Two serious relationships, each two years or longer. Three others during high school. I’ve been in love twice.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Eh, you’re a regular guy having a dry spell right now. You have way too many interests that are testosterone heavy - I doubt you’ll find any romance on the Paintball range or the pool hall, but maybe you can make a sushi date with someone from an online dating site. I’ve heard good things about OkCupid.

Oh and nice fetishes by the way. I hope you find a nice girl who DOES bite.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This is a couple who has been searching in vain for the right woman to join them in the bedroom - online, in bars, you name it. What’s more, they’ve come close with a few, but each time something made it not right (like she was a mental case or into it for the wrong reasons.) They want to find the holy grail, also known as a “unicorn” in the swinging community - an available, emotionally stable, hot bi-female.

Name: Ted & Lucy, 45 and 38, male/female couple (the female of the couple filled this out)
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: both
What are you looking for as a couple? We’ve been on a quest to find that one beautiful bi-girl. You know the one. She’s sexy, open minded, knows who she is, who she is becoming, and isn’t afraid of ‘the couple next door’.
Last time you got laid: The last time I got laid was with my husband, about 12 hours ago. Last time I got laid by a woman… I can’t remember back that far.
Fashion sense: On the weekends you’ll find me in jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of Birks or my Chuck Taylor’s.
Do you drink? Yes. I’m a beer snob and enjoy hearty, dark beers. I also like red wine.
Addicted to anything? Does my addiction to Trader Joe’s count?
Hobbies: Listening to live music, kayaking, hiking, camping, travel, film, photography, vintage erotica (reading/observing).
Places you hang out: Eclectic bars/restaurants (this includes dive bars), in the woods, at home.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Currently, there are two. Obstacle with girl one - She’s not available to join another couple. Obstacle with girl two - I’m not sure she’s into guys and because she’s a friend of ours, I’m a little worried about freaking her out by propositioning her and wouldn’t want to lose her as a friend.
What do you like to eat? Pussy. OK, I guess that’s obvious. I try to eat healthy and organic.
What kind of porn do you like? FF, FMF, MFM, MM, fetish (BDSM), vintage.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? BDSM. I enjoy being dominated by men (and can be quite the slutty little sub), and would love an opportunity to dom another woman.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 8
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? Honestly, a physical attraction is important, but not as important as a true connection with another human. I certainly would want someone who takes care of themselves (bathes, in reasonable shape, could keep up with me on a trail).
One word to describe your voice: Sultry.
Religion: Religious people frighten me, spiritual people inspire me.
Charity you would give money to: Leave No Trace Outdoor Ethics, Amnesty International, Habitat for Humanity
Political affiliation: Bleeding heart liberal.
Music you listen to: I listen to almost everything but if I had to choose my top 5: Americana, bluegrass, conscious hip hop, down-tempo, funk.
Movies you have loved: The Secretary, Lost in Translation, Paradise Now, The Piano Teacher, Romance, A Snake of June, Holy Smoke
Person you respect/admire: Anais Nin
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): I’m currently married to my second husband and would say this is the most serious relationship of my life.
How many times have I been in love? Millions.
Weird habit: I surf CraigsList personals for pictures of cocks, ass, and pussy. I enjoy the rawness of these amateur photos.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well, I’m glad to say this WAINGL has a happy ending. I received this questionnaire over a month ago, and The Beautiful Kind played matchmaker and introduced a future YATBK to this lovely couple, and they hit it off! I got to hear all about it, too - hot stuff!! I think it’s so interesting that the male in this couple is halfway through his life, and got to sleep with two women at once for the first time. What a beautiful thing. Yes, I feel like a miracle worker. No, I doubt I can pull it off for you. My advice for couples looking for an MFF - start a sex blog. It’s a pussy magnet.

This one was tricky!

Name: Doug, 28, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: A few months ago with my ex.
Where do you live? Marietta, GA
Your living arrangement: Apartment, one roommate, female.
Job situation: I work all freelance. Often I work fourteen hour days, six days a week for two months and then sit idle for two weeks. My work has a dash of glamor, certainly more than being an accountant, but I’m no one important. I really like my job. It’s not exactly what I told myself I was going to do when I grew up but it’s closer to it than most people get. I’m paid well but I’m on the road a lot.
Fashion sense: Most of the time, jeans, button up shirt, boots. When I’m on a job it depends on where I am since I’m outdoors in all weather. I rarely leave the house without a jacket or sportcoat, though. I have too many things to carry, phone, wallet, keys, pens, business cards etc, to fit comfortably in pants pockets. When I have to wear a suit, it’s properly tailored. I own almost no t-shirts.
Grooming habits: I shower daily. Sometimes I keep a very close cropped beard and sometimes not. When I’m busy for days on end I may forget to shave and end up looking a bit scruffy.
Do you floss regularly? Every other day, maybe every third if I’m traveling.
Do you drink? Pretty often, socially.
Do you smoke? Cigars.
Addicted to anything? Besides the show Heroes, no.
Do you have pets? Had to give up my dog. I’m just on the road too much. She’s well looked after, though.
Hobbies: Skydiving, hiking.I play a weekly poker game. I used to have a motorcycle but I gave it up.
Sports: I watch virtually no sports save the Super Bowl for the commercials.
Do you exercise regularly? Several years ago I was training for a triathalon but didn’t get too far. Work keeps getting in the way. It’s more correct to say that I work out intensely when I have the time. I also avoid getting in the the car if I don’t have to so I walk for miles.
Places you hang out: Skydiving center in the summer. The Irish pub down the street a day or two a week. I attend a local fetish club when they’re holding events of any size. I stop in at the coffee shop next door almost every day when I’m able.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? Close or that I spend a lot of time with? Three that I see often, five if you count the two exes that are still very dear to me but that I don’t see from day to day.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one: That I would like to, that I have a chance with or with whom I’m willing. There are a number of women that I’d like to fuck but I have a personal rule against sleeping with friends’ exes, no matter how desirable or how willing, and this reduces the pool a bit. Of those remaining, oh, at least ten off the top of my head. Three are married, engaged or otherwise spoken for. Four I have a professional relationship with. Two have moved elsewhere and remaining one keeps saying she desperately wants to but bows out as soon as clothes threaten to come off.
How’s your eye contact? Depends on the purpose. I’m a strong communicator, whether with an individual or in a group and I’m comfortable around people. I maintain eye contact in conversation but without staring. Occasionally I will get deep into thought and look off into space. I’ve thusly been accused of staring. Usually, I apologize and explain myself and get let off the hook.
What do you like to eat? I eat virtually anything. I worked in fine dining in college so I’m well versed in the finer points of culinary hedonism. I can pick wine and I can pronounce and identify virtually anything on a fancy menu. I also like buffalo wings and other pub foods. I’m picky about my sushi and I don’t much care for country style cooking. Breakfast is my favorite meal to eat out, though I don’t get to do it too often.
What kind of porn do you like? Porn is a glorious thing. I like just about all kinds of porn, provided it is well made. Tits and fucking aren’t enough if I’m not convinced or if it’s made without artistry. I tend not to like girl/girl porn because it always seems so contrived. I get off more on the perceived enjoyment of the people I’m watching than on the act, itself.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I’m pretty kinky but if I had to narrow it down, I like anal play of all sorts, giving and receiving. I like group sex, though not anonymous orgies. Blood play is intensely erotic but only with someone with whom I’m supremely intimate.
Are you dom or sub? I’m a switch though I tend to dom more than sub because I have to have perfect trust with my dom. In bed, rather than in a BDSM session, I prefer the woman to take charge if only by a little bit.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6 maybe 6.5
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? Honestly, I think women are prettier than men so I’m not sure the scales match up. That and it’s so much more about the connection than the looks but, I guess a 5.
One word to describe your voice: Baritone
Car you drive or means of transportation: Convertible. Used to have a motorcycle and I’m thinking of going back. Generally, though, I don’t drive if I don’t have to.
Financial situation: Depends on how much work I’ve had lately. I live comfortably.
Your thoughts on breeding: Currently, no plans to have kids but I’m also not set against it. I have dated and would date someone with kids. Though, I get nervous if they expect me to assume some sort of fatherly role, especially if the relationship isn’t serious. That’s bad for the kids.
Religion: Pagan
Charity you would give money to: People United for the Separation of Church and State, Unicef, Smithsonian
Movies you have loved: Princess Bride is the only movie I can watch from beginning to end, start over, and watch again. Beyond that, I went to film school so my tastes are expansive. Dead Poet’s Society shaped my world view. Big Fish made me cry in front of my then-girlfriend. Boondock Saints is the movie I wish I had made. Quills was the most underrated movie of its year. Those are just movies made in my lifetime. I could go on all day.
Do you like to read? If so, what? I read about two books a week on average, less when I’m working, more when I’m idle. I like anything of power and grace, anything that illuminates emotionally or intellectually. My favorite books are Dune, Aztec, City of Saints and Madmen and Stranger in a Strange Land. In nonfiction I read a lot on international politics and economics. I have a large collection of books on film and television that I add to and reread regularly.
Restaurant you like: I’m unreasonably fond of Tex-Mex, probably because it’s getting more and more difficult to find. My favorite place is a five star Russian and French restaurant downtown but I can’t bring myself to pay that much for dinner more than once a year.
Favorite holiday: Of those commonly observed, Halloween. Of those unique to my religion, Beltane.
Past relationship history: Three serious relationships, been in love twice but twice more convinced myself that I was in love at the time when I really wasn’t. I still love one very deeply but she and I realized years ago that our life goals weren’t compatible. She lives elsewhere and we make a point of not complicating each others’ love lives.
Any physical issues: My teeth aren’t perfect. Some people thing it’s cute, most don’t notice. I’m slowly loosing my hair but that’s par for the course. Nobody would call me bald.
Weird habit: I’m always thinking several things at once. Sometimes I’ll be talking and make a realization about the thought in the background and I’ll stop talking mid-sentence without realizing it. People who’ve known me for a while are used to it. I don’t do it terribly often. I also drink a lot of hot tea, ten or more cups a day.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: In some ways you are such a typical dude, but in other ways you are completely odd. That’s what I love about this exercise - discovering the layers in a person. It’s easy to go around assuming everyone is normal, and if I saw you walking down the street I would have no idea that you were a pagan and into blood play. You = intriguing. Have you ever had a profile on Adult Friend Finder? For some reason I think of that site when I read your answers, but I sure wouldn’t recommend you waste your time on that. I’m fucking jealous that you are able to read two books a week - join a book group. Or a film meetup.

You’re an intense, erudite, picky, slightly critical person, and I think that would intimidate the average person. This might make you unapproachable. The eye contact thing might be weirding people out, too. I think you need to lighten up a little. I’m sure you don’t consider yourself arrogant, but you come off that way. You’re also a workaholic, but I guess it comes with the territory when working freelance - you take the work when it comes.

I could see you getting with a nice, outgoing Pagan girl - I wonder if there are any groups like that where you live. It sounds like you isolate yourself somewhat, you’re definitely an introvert. Female readers, are you picking up on a sexy vibe? All that good taste and intensity is getting clouded by the attitude - you come off as wary of people. Forgo being pompous and give being down-to-earth a try. You like taking risks (that skydiving hobby of yours is very hot) so next time you attend a new group, talk to them and mingle instead of eying them suspiciously. R-E-L-A-X.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This week we feature a computer/comic book geek in North Carolina.

Name: Bill, Male, 32
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: September of 2006. The time before that was June of 2005, which was my first time. (Yes, at age 30… *sigh*.)
Where do you live? Morrisville, NC (A suburb of Raleigh/Durham)
Your living arrangement: I live alone in an apartment.
Job situation: I work full time at a university doing computer support. Most days I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. I would feel the same about most any job, though, because I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I also just started working part time in a computer store at a local mall, 12-ish hours a week.
Fashion sense: Most often cargo pants or jeans with a solid color button-down shirt with the tail out and the sleeves rolled up to just below my elbows. I have a goatee that I keep trimmed well. I’m a pretty clean cut guy.
Do you floss regularly? No, but I chew sugar-free gum after most meals and brush my teeth daily.
Do you drink? Rarely. And these days I have a prescription that says not to (Effexor, which is its own story). I’ve been drunk twice in my whole life, both times were last year. I don’t like beer and I’m not too interested in acquiring the taste. So no, I’m pretty much not a drinker.
Addicted to anything? No, but if I miss my Effexor for more than about 4 days I don’t feel too hot.
Hobbies: Photography, blogging, going out to the movies, watching TV, web surfing, reading, reading comic books. (Yeah, I’m fairly geeky, but I’m OK with it. However, you’d never catch me in a costume on any day but Halloween.)
Do you exercise regularly? Not these days. Fell off the wagon. I’m a bigger guy. Think Drew Carey or Kevin James.
Places you hang out: I don’t really. If I’m with friends we usually eat out or catch a movie, or hang out at one another’s house. If I’m hanging out alone, I usually do it at home. I know that’s a big problem right there, but I
don’t know where I’d go to meet the kind of women I’d want to meet. I’m not into bars or clubs.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? A few (5 or 6). Most of them are getting married and all that kind of stuff these days.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) “Emily” - married, lives 1000 miles away, out of my league but she said she’d do me. “CY” - just out of a 10-year bad marriage, dislikes the idea of sex or marriage or dating, also not very pretty. “JH” - best friend’s wife. “HM” - coworker; married and pregnant. “CD” - coworker: she knows I’m interested, and I think I’d have a shot except that she’s sticking with her current boyfriend despite the fact that their relationship is going nowhere
What do you like to eat? Meat and potatoes, but I’m flexible. Chinese, Mexican, Italian, whatever.
What kind of porn do you like? Amateur or “real” porn. I like to see couples fucking who are really in a relationship, or when you know the woman is really enjoying it, and not faking for the camera. I like to see the woman’s face. I like intensity, when everybody is really into it. Also, blowjobs.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I like flirting, stimulating a woman’s mind (and mine in return). I like women who I could take home to mom but then are “freaks in bed.” Getting a woman to drop her inhibitions. Erotic photography. Knowing that my partner is turned on and having a great time. Also, blowjobs.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I’m a bit shy at first, but once I get warmed up I like to take charge. I’d do the tying.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6. I’m overweight, but I think I’m fairly handsome. I’d go to 7-7.5 if I lost some weight.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 5-6.
One word to describe your voice: Friendly.
Last place you went on vacation: I went on a weekend beach trip last year. My last “true” vacation was to Orlando, Florida when I graduated from college in 1998. We picked that because my roommate had never been to Disney World.
Financial situation (broke, paying the bills, flush, loaded): Paying the bills. I was a victim of the dotcom crash a few years back and was unemployed for a stretch, so I’ve got more debt than I’d like.
Your thoughts on breeding: I’d like kids someday. I think one boy and one girl would be ideal. I would date someone who had kids only if I worked into it or fell into it somehow. I generally disqualify single moms if they’re “sight unseen,” like on a dating website.
Religion: Vanilla Christian. Not a big fan of organized religion because I think they’re too intolerant, but I do believe in God. I don’t go to church, though.
Charity you would give money to: Whatever was least annoying and nagged me the least. Something local.
Political affiliation: I vote Republican, but since I’m pro-choice, not a Bible-thumper, and have no problem with gay marriage, most Republicans would spit on me (but probably so would most Democrats, too). I’d call myself a moderate in most respects. I’m a big “let’s agree to disagree, live and let live” kinda guy.
Movies you have loved: Ghostbusters, Gladiator, Love Actually (what?), Gross Pointe Blank, Groundhog Day, Contact, Dark City, Serenity, Toys, Fletch, The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, Snatch, Lost In Translation, Fight Club.
Person you respect/admire: Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs on The Discovery Channel.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): Maybe two serious relationships. My latest was dating a woman for about 5 months at the beginning of this year, but we drifted about due to mutual lack of interest. I’ve been in love once, with the woman from my first serious relationship at age 18.
Any physical issues: As I mentioned earlier, I’m overweight. And a bit “fuzzy.”
Weird habit: I’m mildly OCD. So I guess counting strokes when I brush my teeth, cleaning my glasses all the time, keeping lists of things, etc.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Bill, it’s good that you got that virginity thing out of the way. It’s obvious you are a “fixer” - you see a problem and you do something about it. There are soo many people out there who feel like something is “broken” in their life and they can’t make the move towards seeking therapy, and you have - major points for you. (You get 10 points off for not flossing though. )

One appearance suggestion: in the pic you sent me you have a flat top hairstyle. Since you have such a square jaw/strong face, I would grow your hair out just a little on top to soften your look up. You have great hair and if it’s a little longer, women will feel the urge to touch it. Also, black is a good color for you, but make sure you add some extra color to your wardrobe - royal jewel tones would be good - blue, burgundy, purple. Good for you for not tucking your shirt in.

If Effexor has slowed down your libido, that may be slowing you down on the dating front, though it may also be taking the horny edge off of things, making it easier for you to focus on other things. Effexor may be a good thing for you to have when you are in a relationship, since it puts you at about the average woman’s sex drive (you’re getting off every few days as opposed to 2-3 times a day.) If it seems to be interfering, you might want to talk to your doctors about switching meds or adding something else that will counter Effexor’s side effects.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. You’re also a romantic and a nice guy, two things that don’t need to change. Practice your interpersonal skills on your co-worker - I don’t think you’re necessarily going to end up with her, but she’s nice and available and safe. Try things like complimenting her, eye contact, asking her questions, subtle flirting, but never make a pass at her, that will cross the line. Who knows, though, if you treat her the way most women like to be treated (most dudes take women for granted) she might jump you in the stock room.

Pick a dating site you like and put an ad back up. It doesn’t hurt to have it sitting there, and when you’re in the mood, contact some women, even if you think they’re too pretty for you. Keep your message to them brief, and add something personal that you noticed on their profile (such as, “Hi Sandra, I noticed that you liked the movie Love Actually - I do too, would you believe I’ve seen it three times?”) Finally, for your health, take walks around the mall on your breaks - exercise is a mood elevator in itself. And keep your eyes open - you never know who you might see next. You deserve a real life romantic comedy, my friend.

Hey, it’s not funny - why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This week we feature an interior designer with an interesting physical issue…

Name: Herbie, Male, 31
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: December 31, 2002
Where do you live? St. Louis, MO USA
Your living arrangement: Own house
Job situation: Interior designer, I’m passionate about what I do.
Fashion sense: Work-professional. Socially-jeans and fun shirt. Favorite pieces of clothing-white leather jacket, black Italian boots, love my brightly colored shirts, also enjoy anything black. I basically look like a designer.
Do you floss regularly? Yes
Do you drink? Socially
Do you smoke? The occasional cigar when the occasion calls for it
Addicted to anything? Diet Pepsi
Places you hang out: If you mean a regular hangout, then none. I like to frequent new places with friends. Fav places to go- art museum, any sidewalk cafe, South Grand, Central West End, any corner bar that I can have a conversation with who I am with.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? A bunch
How many people do you currently know that you would like to fuck? One
What are the obstacles (why aren’t you fucking her?) She’s dating a friend of mine
What do you like to eat? I’m not a picky eater, I’ll try anything
Do you frequent strip clubs? I go every couple months, and the girls always remember me.
What kind of porn do you like? Compilations..forget the plots, just show me the sex. I enjoy threesomes and anal
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Stockings….painted toes….tongue rings….total anal fetish
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) total dom…but will listen to suggestions (i.e.-a little to the left…higher, higher…) I’d do the tying, but I have tied myself to a bed naked on valentine’s day for a woman before. Once again, in total control of the situation.
One word to describe your voice: Unique
Last place you went on vacation: Italy for the winter Olympics, Germany for carnival
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) No kids, totally open to having them with the right woman, I would think that once you hit 30 then most people who you would end up dating have kids, so yes I would date someone with kids.
Religion: Non-practicing Catholic who loves to discuss religion and philosophy with others
Charity you would give money to: I give every year to the Women’s Safe House
Political affiliation: Libertarian
Movies you have loved: I love all types of movies, foreign, indie, gay and lesbian…doesn’t matter
People you respect/admire: My dad for the job he used to do (police officer), and my mom for putting up with my dad.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): 2 serious relationships….the 4 year college relationship, and the 2 year live-in girlfriend who moved away relationship. never married, been in love twice
Any physical issues (limp, acne, chronic health condition): Only that I look like David Spade, and also like Hermey the Elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer….and trust me, those are physical issues.

The Beautiful Kind’s Verdict: Herbie, I am so glad you openly acknowledge the fact that you look like an elf, because that would have been an awkward thing for me to have to tell you. I think you do have that working against you, along with the easy assumption that you are gay (interior designer, snazzy dresser, anal fetish, a striking resemblance to Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley).

I am convinced you’re not gay and are overwhelmingly attracted to women. I also sense that you suffer a touch of the “Nice Guy Syndrome” - of COURSE the strippers remember you whenever you come in. (You get major points for flossing regularly and supporting the Women’s Safe House, by the way.)

I don’t know of any women who have an elf fetish, so here is the first thing you should do: go into a good hair salon (for fucks sake, not Great Clips) with a picture of Hermey the Elf and tell them you do NOT want to look like that. Get a square, masculine cut, kinda like these examples, something that needs just a touch of product.

Next, keep an eye out for a petite, stylish Asian woman (hopefully she’ll be down with anal). That is who you should be with - you’d make such a cute couple! I’m a big fan of contrast. Dare I say hop on Asian Friend Finder or join the International Meetup group here in town? You need to make some sort of change in your life - adjust your social circle a bit, visit a Buddhist or Hindu temple, explore an Asian country on your next vacation.

Other than that, you’re good - you’re adventurous, flush with cash, have a great personality and sense of humor. You also have impeccable taste - it’s so nice to find someone else who also hates those cheap white cabinet knobs. It would be a dream to live with a guy with good taste, since so many men are lacking in that department. If you keep it confident and open your eyes a little more, mark my words - things are going to change for you this year.

Let’s do lunch again sometime soon!

Why aren’t you getting laid? Be a brave little elf and request a questionnaire. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This week we feature a virgin from Illinois. (I’m actually surprised at how many adult virgins read this blog.)

Name: JB, Male, 22
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Never
Your living arrangement: Moved in with my mom for a month before I move to London, however I lived in the dorms for three years.
Job situation: Student, I am a Jr. at University, and I love it.
Fashion sense: Cargo pants (khaki or light brown), and various button up shirts along with a plain polo every now and then. I refuse for the most part to wear any thing that is branded with a logo so that kind of restricts my options on clothes.
Do you floss regularly? Every other day or so.
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Addicted to anything? No
Hobbies: Biking, metal working (i make jewelery and do some blacksmithing). I also make hardwood paddles for a some people I know who are into S&M.
Do you exercise regularly? I ride a bike 30-40 miles a week.
Places you hang out: Mostly friends houses and the cafe I go to for Arabic lessons.
What kind of porn do you like? All kinds, however most of my collection is BBW, S&M, and amateur. Not necessarily in that order.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Overall I like women - all shapes and sizes excite me greatly, however I tend to be most attracted to bigger girls (180-215 lbs) who are intelligent and not afraid to speak their mind. I also tend to be far more attracted to personality than looks. As for a fetish, I enjoy a little mild pain now and then.
Are you dom or sub? I am fairly sure I am a sub, but I also think I could be a dom in certain situations also.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 4-5, I am overweight but not ugly.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 3-4, however like I said, I would very well go lower if the personality was right.
Last place you went on vacation: Pensacola, Florida and on the way home I drove one of my best friends to Augusta GA to see her husband and got to video tape said couple in a threesome with his Korean roommate.
Religion: Atheist
Charity you would give money to: UNICEF and the ACLU.
Music you listen to: Humm I listen mostly to NPR, but on the occasion I do listen to music it is old rock or jazz.
Person you respect/admire: Anyone who is willing to speak truth to power…. so I guess you get Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and a slew of others.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, how many times have you been in love): None. I have loved two girls in my life and both of them have ended up as friends rather than lovers. Being the fool that I am, I chased after the first one through high school, and the second for the last four years off and on. After pulling my head out of my ass I decided to get back in the game a year or so ago.
Any physical issues: I am overweight but still in OK shape for being 5′9′ and 250-60 pounds
What would you do if you found a wallet with money in it? I would attempt to find the owner and return it. In the absence of that I would shred the contents other than the money and donate that to one of the aforementioned organizations. I am a firm believer in karma, and believe that you get what you give.
Weird habit: I tend to draw things out a little more than necessary sometimes, as you can tell from my answers. Beyond that I whistle sometimes when walking long distances. Oh yeah and I collect porn but I guess that comes with being an almost 23 year old virgin….

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well, JB, you are an odd one, and how cool is your life! You’re a student, about to move to London, you make paddles as a hobby, you’re learning how to speak Arabic, and on your last road trip you filmed a threesome?! (Say, when you move, ditch the childish initials-as-a-name thing and go by your first name instead. A woman is way more likely to sleep with a “John” or “James” than a “JB.”)

Thanks for sending along your pic so I could get a look at you. You are handsome, love the glasses. You get major points for refusing to wear logos (why be some corporate fucks billboard?) and flossing regularly. Thank goodness you’ve learned your lesson and won’t be squandering energy on unrequited love anymore. And it’s great that you are interested in bigger women. Surely there are plenty of sassy fat girls in England. And I’m so impressed with your attitude about the right personality trumping looks in your book. Sounds to me like you want some brilliant big girl who will use and abuse you.

I’ve seen tons of women like that on Craigslist/Casual Encounters, and they always get passed over by all the dudes I know because they are “too big” for their taste. So why aren’t you snatching them up? You could have one for every day of the week if you wanted. OK I’m guessing they’re not the smartest group of people, but you could have a wild fling right before you leave the country.

Take a look, and why don’t YOU place an ad on CL? Something like, “22 yr old student, handsome, 250 lbs. about to move to London for a few months, looking for one last fling with a sassy all-American BBW before I go” or hell, mention that you want to lose the virginity in order to travel lighter, I’ll bet that would go over big.

If you can take care of that here, your mojo will be jacked up for the trip, and the British birds will sense that and will be gobbling you up like fish n’ chips.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

The following was left as a comment by Floyd and is such valuable information (GENIUS!) that it deserves front and center attention. If y’all follow this advice, my WAINGL feature will be rendered obsolete with a quickness.

Here are some examples of things I’ve done when attempting to find someone for a play date. They’re similar in ways, but different in others. They work for me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have any idea what the hell I’m talking about or that these methods will work for you:

*Chit Chat: I fucking loathe chit chat, but it is a necessary evil. You just gotta know how to steer the conversation in a way that leads to talk about sex. They talk about movies or books, you ask their opinion of some of the more erotic mainstream films or books out there. Big bonus if they’re unfamiliar with the film or book because you get to summarize it and talk about how it may or may not arouse you.

Or better yet, you get to invite them over for a viewing in which they might get incredibly aroused themselves. The film Secretary has gotten me laid more than once and a recent loan of my Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (Anne Rice) to a female led to conversations that aroused her interests in me and now I have a new fuck buddy. If you pay attention, you can turn almost any conversation into one of a sexual nature.

*C Your Way In: A while back at a bar, Girl A was having a conversation with Girl B about how like her Ipod went like kaput and she would like have to buy another soon because like she soooo couldn’t live without it. I interrupted and asked, “Have either of you ladies ever heard of the Idildo?” I got an odd look, but eventually a reply of “The what???” followed, and led to my explaining the Idildo and a discussion of different types of music that would blow one’s mind with an Idildo. If these were the type of women that weren’t into sex toys, I would have looked a fool, but you have to take those chances. Interrupting is only rude if you have nothing interesting to say.

*Mmmm, that smell: I’m always amazed how easily people will allow you to invade their personal space to get a whiff of their perfume or cologne. DKNY “Be Delicious” and Victoria’s Secret “Secret Garden” are two scents I know by heart because both arouse the fuck out of me. If a woman is wearing one of those I’ll ask “Is that *blank* you’re wearing?” and go on to tell them how much I love that scent.

Adjectives such as delicious, arousing, yummy, enticing, stimulating and any others that give that person the impression you’re turned on by the way they smell are a big help. If you’ve got the scrote to do so you can avoid beating around the bush by simply saying something like “If I wore that stuff I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off myself.” or “You smell so good I could lick you from head to toe!” About as frat boy cliche as it gets, but you’ve let them know you’re aroused by the way they smell. I’ve had female coworkers who were not interested in me in the least go out and buy expensive perfume simply because I went on to another female coworker about how arousing it was on them and they hoped to get similar results from males that they were interested in. From a guy viewpoint, I find it incredibly sexy and an incredible turn on when a woman asks about my cologne and goes in close to my neck area for a smell.

*Closer To Home, Closer To The Bone: I’m not a moron, but I’m not as computer savvy as I’d like to be. A few times I’ve invited people over to take a look at my laptop when it was fucked beyond my own scope of knowledge. A couple times these people were female and before the day was over, we were in bed. You’re home is your castle and you are King/Queen. You get someone on your turf and they are a bit at your mercy.

If they are there to do something you are unable to do, not only have you complimented them by trusting their knowledge in the matter, but you have given them a bit of power over you and power can be a huge turn on. Not to mention you are in your comfort zone and that comfort could give you the confidence you need to flirt with that cute guy from work whereas you are a bit too shy to do so at work. A leaky pipe, new surround sound system or other electronics, computer problems, blown fuse, heavy furniture that needs moving…all of these are perfect excuses to get the opposite sex into your home so that you can make your move.

This week we feature a woman from Memphis, Tennessee. Let’s take a look at the info she supplied.

Name: Summer, Female, 34
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Either, but for the moment leaning more toward men
Last time you got laid: Friday, January 26, 2007 - sad, but true
Your living arrangement: I live alone.
Job situation: Office job at a non-profit doing everything from database management to creating e-newsletters and lots, lots more. It’s a good place to work, but the job itself is starting to lose its appeal. Also, it’s becoming even more high-profile and politically influenced than what I originally signed on for. I’m a work-quietly-alone-behind-the-scenes kind of girl.
Fashion sense: Skirts or dresses - usually long but sometimes very short; I hate buttons, zippers, and other such detailing. I like simple, well-made clothes and bright colors paired with black. I like soft, knit fabrics with a nice drape. Shoes are either high (4-inch heels) or completely flat; rarely anything in between. For overall style, think subtle sexy librarian. I also get a lot of people who tell me that I look like I’m an artsy person, which I guess I am.
Grooming habits: Bubble bath or at least shower every day except on the odd weekend or off day when I do absolutely nothing and go nowhere. I don’t like cologne or perfume, but my soap and body lotion are both lightly scented. I occasionally spritz on some natural, light body spray.
Do you floss regularly? Every night
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Do you have pets? One dog
Hobbies: Reading, writing, bellydancing, drawing, crafty stuff, cooking, eating, lounging, researching various occult topics, just being.
Do you exercise regularly? Semi-regularly; I dance most days, but not always what you would call a strenuous workout.
Places you hang out: Home; although I attend various entertainment events or go to places for a specific purpose, I don’t really hang out anywhere.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? One close friend; several close acquaintances (for lack of a better term)
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? No
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?)? There’s no one around right now who really interests me except possibly one older gentleman that I sort of know through work - he’s very attractive and intelligent, and I’d totally hit it if he indicated any interest (and if he is unattached - no wife or serious girlfriend/boyfriend), but, of course, he is one of the business acquaintances who *hasn’t* propositioned me.
What do you like to eat? I love all Asian food, particularly Chinese. I also eat a lot of pasta.
What kind of porn do you like? Man-on-man action, preferably threesomes, gangbangs, or orgies
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) Sexually, sub
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7 or 8
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 7 or 8
One word to describe your voice: Pleasant
Last place you went on vacation: Vermont & Montreal
Financial situation: Currently just paying the bills, will soon be flush once I knock out my car loan (early)
Your thoughts on breeding: I have never had any desire whatsoever to have children. I’d prefer someone who is also child-free, but wouldn’t necessarily mind if the person had kids.
Religion: None; I believe in everything (I’ve studied a lot of different religions and spiritual beliefs; there are more similarities than differences) but think organized religion does more harm than good.
Charity you would give money to: I donate to my local humane society, library, and food bank. I occasionally give to national animal organizations - especially if they promote veganism - and also make one-time donations to organizations like UNICEF or the Red Cross for natural disaster relief.
Music you listen to: Mostly bellydance music these days; I love 70s disco, but I can honestly say that I like something in all music categories
Books: I’ll read damned near anything, but my favorite authors (the ones whose every work I buy and read) are Margaret Atwood, Anne Rice, Joan Hess, Sue Grafton, Simon Brett, Victoria Moran, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners). I have eclectic reading tastes, but I especially like mystery novels, sci-fi/fantasy novels, and anything to do with the occult or mythology.
Restaurant you like: Local, family-owned Asian place that has a variety of vegan dishes and will make anything on the menu vegetarian
Favorite holiday: My birthday; also Halloween
Person you respect/admire: All of the women in my family
Past relationship history: Only two relationships that I would consider serious, neither very long-lived; never been married; not sure that I’ve ever made it to the in love stage
Weird habit: To hear most people tell it, everything I do is weird

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Fuck if I know! Summer, you have a wide variety of interests, you’re gorgeous, you have awesome taste in porn, all your ducks are in a row…To be honest with you, I have a huge crush on you (you cook creative vegan food, you belly dance, you read a lot, and you’re dazzlingly quirky). Too bad I’m not a handsome, sexy older man in town to court you, but if you ever want to meet up in Memphis and eat some good veg food, ROAD TRIP!

Have you tried online dating sites? You live in a big city. It doesn’t sound like you get out much or have many close friends, but you do belong to some groups and are socially active. Have you considered joining a group that would have more men? Have you looked in to Memphis Meetups? I just joined an international group - lots of bilingual hotties there. A book group would be HOT, if you could find one that has men. Does your dance troupe perform out and about? Any man who sees you dancing will be instantly smitten. Oh and you read up on the occult - why don’t you put a voodoo spell on that business acquaintance you mentioned?

Good luck and I hope you keep in touch. And keep in mind that if you don’t get laid by Jan 26, 2008, you get your virgin status back.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

All righty folks, here’s our first victim of the “Why Am I Not Getting Laid” inquisition. I’ll cull information gathered from the questionnaire he filled out and give my assessment. (Comedy porn pics that accompany this post have been lifted from this site.)

Name: Dobri, Male, 24
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women only
Last time you got laid: 9 months ago
Where do you live? Sofia, Bulgaria
Your living arrangement: I live alone in a rented apt
Job situation: Two part time jobs that I do from home. I’m a web programmer. I do enjoy them.
Fashion sense (what do you usually wear?): Shirt and pants or sweater and blue jeans. I like my clothes simple and elegant.
Grooming habits (how often do you bathe? do you wear cologne?): I bathe at least once per two days. If I’m to get out I definitely have at least a shower. I also shave without leaving moustaches or anything else. I don’t use aftershave, but I use perfume and deodorant (depends if I’m gonna meet people and who am I meeting).
Do you floss regularly?: I brush, I don’t like flossing. And again, it’s important to me that I look and smell good while I’m around people. I don’t brush after every meal, but I often use cleaning gum for my teeth.
Do you smoke?: I did, then I quit for 3 years, then few months ago started again cause I was bored. Currently - yes.
Hobbies: Luxury, strange objects, science, creating ideas.
Sports (do you play/watch? how often?): Unfortunately I don’t play sports. Since I’m not born in the city I live in, I don’t have that many friends that I can go out and play with
Do you exercise regularly?: Again, unfortunately no, cause I don’t have someone to keep me company.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender?: No, not really. Maybe 2 or 3.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender?: Three max and they’re not even that close. Except maybe one.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?): Two. The one is childish and has the Peter Pan complex (afraid to grow up) and doesn’t trust men. For her fucking is not a pleasure, but more of an obligation. She has a hard time reaching an orgasm and I personally know how to overcome this, but she’s very hard to reach. The other one lives in another country, but she’s very into me (as far as that is possible).
What kind of porn do you like?: Comedy! Anything that has a good story. It doesn’t even have to be porn, erotica is ok too.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on?: Very short skirts, lingerie, female uniforms (schoolgirl, nurse, etc.).
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?): I enjoy being both, but mostly I’m in control.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)?: 7.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be?: 6.
Last place you went on vacation: St. Vlas, Black Sea. It wasn’t that much of a vacation either, rather than to get out of the city for couple of days. I don’t remember my last real vacation.
Financial situation: I can afford living by myself, sometimes paying a little bit more for something that I like, always either ordering food or eating out, getting the bill when I’m out with a girl (doesn’t matter if she’s a friend or not).
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?): I do one day want to have kids, but maybe in 2-3 years from now. I always thought that moms are especially hot, that they have some special spark and I would date a mom, but never to lead to something serious.
Person you respect/admire: none.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, how many times have you been in love): I didn’t have one serious relationship (the longest lasted 4 months). Only once I broke up with a girl, every other time I was the one being dumped. I’ve been in love many times, I fall easily (if the girl is right) and get out hardly.
Weird habit: can’t think of anything.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well, this one was easy. Dobri, you need to get out more. You live in a huge city, but you live alone, you work at home, don’t have many friends, you can’t remember the last time you went on a proper vacation. STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Take a class, join a group (not online!) Where do sexy single moms hang out in Bulgaria? I’ve seen pics of you - you’re adorable, cute and sexy and have good fashion sense. Your 7 self rating is accurate and it’s nice that you would be OK with being slightly better looking than your partner. You should quit smoking and start flossing. Once you get used to it, it’s not so bad. You have a terrific sense of humor but lack awareness of a few key things. EVERYONE has weird habits, Dobri. I wish I could hang out with you for a weekend so I could list yours for you. I’d follow you around your apartment wearing glasses and taking notes on a clipboard. Readers, do you have anything to add?

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and get in line. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

I know there are a lot of you people out there trolling the internet who are sexually frustrated and having a hard time getting laid. Trouble is, you don’t know what it is that’s coming between you and that simultaneous orgasm with another human being.

Well, I do. And I’ll be glad to tell you. I might even offer you suggestions on how to improve your chances of getting laid. If I don’t know you personally, I’ll provide you with a handy questionnaire that will help me get a good picture of your sad and sorry state.

The rules are: 1) you have to be honest and 2) you have to be prepared to take the criticism. It might sting a bit, but you’ll be better off in the long run. Your real name or face will not appear on the website. Reader participation will be encouraged. It’ll be kind of like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Dr. Phil, only instead of five fags ganging up on a clueless shlub or a giant penis bossing around a yuppie couple, I’m a slut and you’re a dork.

Feeling brave? Got nothing to lose? Horny as hell? Apply and request a questionnaire by emailing love [at] thebeautifulkind . com