The Beautiful Kind

Here’s a typical suck/fuck clip featuring a girl that Beau would like.

1. I call her a girl because she HAS NO PUBIC HAIR.
2. In fact, she practically has Barbie genitals. It’s all waxed and bleached down there, kinda weird.
3. That purple leopard print thing she is wearing is fucking awful.
4. I like how she holds the cock rather daintily, like she’s at a tea party.
5. Um, the setting is a little weird - are they in the Precious Moments chapel??
6. I’m impressed with how much of that cock she can fit down her throat.
7. I like the spit.
(OK here’s where I paused it so I could go check out an abandoned church with Belle..)
8. Ooh, she’s giving his nuts a tongue bath!
9. UGH her sex face looks like Hilary Swank. She looks annoyed.
10. Yikes his cock is as big as her thigh!
11. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think this woman enjoys sex very much.
12. The dude has nice, thick hairy arms (good), but a ponytail and a buzzed crotch (very bad).
13. Fellas, don’t eat pussy like that. That’s just obnoxious.
14. I like how he positions her body, like she’s a rag doll.

OK I’ve lost interest. I’m going to wander off and masturbate. But I’m going to think about something else.

A guy films his neighbors fucking in this porn clip.

1. I love the red bikini.
2. I love her sensuous moves on the hammock.
3. Why is he filming the trash?? Hold the camera steady dude! Fucking amateur…
4. What a good looking couple.
5. Yesss, untie that bikini top…
6. I’m enjoying the lack of cheesy porn music. So natural, so sexy.
7. Makes me want to fuck outdoors. It’s like watching Adam and Eve.
8. Mmmm, I love the way a man’s hands grip a woman when he’s fucking her doggy style. And he’s giving her a little smacky smacky on her ass! Cute.
9. She must do yoga, that’s the Downward Dog position. FOR REAL hahaha
10. Aww when they finish they kiss and he helps her put her bikini back on. I love a happy ending.
If you were this peepin’ tom, would you keep watching? Would you film it? Would you put it on the internet?? I wonder what the couple would say if they knew it was out there…

Holy horse balls! Here’s a vid showing a horse getting milked.

1. The music is cheesy.
2. Nice rustic-yet-sparse barn set.
3. Hay is for horses. So are two naked chicks, apparently. He is luckier than most of you dudes out there.
4. I’m sorry, but that horse is kindof sexy. The rippling muscles, those big balls, that ginormous horse schlong… I’m turned on.
5. So fascinating to watch this woman crouch underneath him and accept his cum in her mouth! As a friend said to me, “There’s something about the innocence of the horse, and his 18″ member, and the non-innocence of a human who would do that to an animal…”
6. I love how the other woman is standing by like an assistant, ready to rub the cum in like lotion. And the smile on her face, man that cracks me up. She reminds me of one of those game show chicks.
7. Notice how horseslut girl is wearing dangly earrings. This reminds me of the fact that she will be dressed and go grocery shopping next week, and as she puts cereal in her cart, no one around her will have any idea that the week before she was sucking a horse’s cock and covered in his cum. Also, how did she get to that point? Did she ever fantasize about such a thing before? Did she say “no fucking way!” when the director first suggested it? How much did she get paid to do it?

Now for the ethics discussion. Is this wrong? Is it animal abuse? For sure I don’t think any animal (human or otherwise) should be forced to do anything against their will, but if they’re into it and it’s giving them pleasure, I say why not? Race horse stud farms and bull breeders masturbate their animals with a machine and sell the jiz for thousands of dollars, so why not let a hot naked chick do the same thing? Factory farms masturbate and rape animals alllll the time, in order to produce the meat we eat. We’re talking turkeys, pigs, sheep, cows… Now that is fucked up.

Man it’s been a long time since I’ve watched porn. Beau sent this one to me along with a note that said, “I don’t know WHAT that is, but TBK will like it.” Cuz he know I’m down with the gender bending.

And WOW am I impressed. Check it out.

1. OK, so is this a person who was once a man but is post-op female? I mean the wig and boobs are strap-ons.
2. Check out those THIGHS! They are MIGHTY.
3. The music is awful.
4. The artwork in the background is that hideous shit you see in doctor office waiting rooms.
5. She’s making an awful lot of grunting noises for not really getting fucked. She’s hardly even wiggling on his cock!
6. Now that she has turned around, we can see some interesting scars.
7. The scar on her back - is that really a zipper? Is she a dude wearing a female body-builder suit?
8. I like the booty bouncing, but I’m worried one of her brick tits will hit him in the eye.
9. Is this gay porn?
10. The white guy’s tongue is kindof disturbing.
11. Holy crap, now we have white guy #2 on the scene - reverse oreo!
12. The looks on their faces - ha ha eek.
13. She’s having a hard time sucking cock while getting fucked - I suppose that would be challenging. I’ve never had a chance to try that (tho I have eaten pussy while getting fucked, and that mainly comes down to the force of the guy thrusting into you smashing your face into the woman’s pussy, which is fun and dirty in the same kind of way as a guy slapping your face with his cock.)
14. I’m sorry but I take issue with her clear acrylic stiletto shoes and the leopard print throw.
15. “Take me baby, c’mon!” I like her little dirty talks.
16. Finally got a close up of her pussy, looks like a pussy to me! But her face is so dude! And then she squeals like a girl.
17. DP, BITCHES!!! The dude on the bottom is just a placeholder…
18. For the grand finale as she is kneeling between them about to receive their double load on her face, she looks like a lizard and it is just freaky.

Ooh I’m excited about this one!!

1. I love that she’s wearing a blindfold and ear phones.
2. Love her tensing thighs.
3. Love her gasps and sighs.
4. Love her body.
5. God that collar around her neck!! She’s so trussed but so lovingly and comfortably.
6. She sounds like an animal, like a horse whinnying.
7. Quiverthighs…
8. Such hard nipples…
9. Ha ha watching the iRabbit spaz on the table.
10. This is a great start, but if this were me, I’d like to be surrounded by a bunch of men, kissing my mouth, worshiping my breasts, putting their cock in my mouth, lining up to fuck my pussy, ass, lube dispenser on hand…

Since I was bitching about hairless porn last week, I looked for something with a little fur - viva la France!

1. Check out those sheets.
2. Uncut!
3. Nice hairy thigh.
4. All that French muttering….
5. The white bra and sportswatch are not doing it for me. But I like the thick white socks.
6. Wow, his body reminds me a lot of one of my ex-boyfriend’s. I used to be into that skinny-boy-with-glasses thing.
7. Look! She’s a bowling ball!
8. Ha! He’s wearing an ankh!
9. Aw man they didn’t show the part when the cock first goes in the pussy. Disappointing.
10. The fucking part is hot for me.
11. Why isn’t she moving? Is she on drugs?
12. Check out that hairy ass crack!
13. I love when French people say “oui.”
14. What’s this other guy hovering around for - is he the spotter??

Final verdict: I could make way better porn.

In honor of breast week at TBK, here is a porn clip featuring a woman with amazing breasts (real or fake?? I’m going to guess real but man they look like beach balls - but they jiggle and squish! I’m so on the fence - help me out here!)

If you can manage to tear your eyes away from them for a moment, you will notice the following:

1. Is this porn set furnished by Limited Too? Cloud and fish wallpaper? Inflatable chair? This screams 12-yr-old in Florida to me.
2. Her earrings are so 80’s.
3. Blonde ponytail dude is not doing it for me.
4. Neither is the fact that they look like oiled mannequins. I’m craving some porn with some nice hairy people, forget these Vienna sausages.
5. Speaking of sausage, bigfatbananadick.
6. And um, what’s with his balls? They are crawling up in him - they FRAME his cock instead of hang down. They look like Mickey Mouse ears.
7. Mmm, I like how he fucks her face.
8. His moany dude “yeahs” are getting on my nerves.
9. Eww ropey slobber ha ha ha.
10. OK this is too vanilla for me, I’m wandering off - didn’t even make it to the titty fuck scene. But wow 16 minutes long, that’s generous. OK I skipped to the end and saw him cum in her face, I can get on with my day now.

PS: Seriously, where can I find porn with sexy hairy men? As in hairy chest. I did a search on redtube for “hairy chest” and it said zero results. :(  Then I did a google search and waded knee-deep into bear country, which is fine, but wasn’t what I had in mind…

HI, this is completely FUCKED UP. Do you SEE where that one skewer is going??

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I dare you to think about this the next time you eat meat. Or roast pussy. (I prefer mine rare.)

Here’s a BDSM scene that takes an unexpected turn:

1. Cheesy little intro where a goth chick is about to get fucked by a big black dildo (the dom’s “bra” is dorky!), when HELLO
2. Enter zombie???
3. With huge strap on cock?? I guess his dick rotted off.
4. Nice screaming!
5. Ewww, gratuitous blood.
6. That is SO not my kind of penetration.
7. Man it is hot that she’s chained to the bed and at the zombie’s mercy…
8. The rape scene (understandably awkward) goes from bad to worse and then …
9. Jesus fucking christ.
Seriously, I’d be embarrassed if my partner walked in on me watching this. Glad he’s the one who sent it to me!

Here’s something I don’t think I will ever do:

1. First of all, check out the Romper Room rug.
2. OH MY GOD - Business on top, party on the bottom…
3. I don’t care for her gold necklace and buttons.
4. WHY is the woman double fisting her wearing a baggy blue shirt? Is she a dental hygienist gone bad?? I love how she looks like Doris Day.
5. …And here comes the guy with the light on his head to get a closer look.
6. Closing facial expression: priceless.

This fucking wild video stars my fav adult actor, Belladonna:

1. I love her hairdo.
2. She’s louder than me.
3. I wish I could better understand the accent of the woman who’s fucking her, clearly I’m missing out on some good dirty talk.
4. Her feet aren’t that pretty.
5. I love how Belladonna keeps her arms to her sides and just takes it like a good little sub.
6. It’s hot watching that black dildo pop out of her vagina.
7. Whoah she’s sticking her foot in her pussy!!
8. When B says “I love you” in response to said foot in her vagina, I believe her.
9. I love her pearly little clit.
10. Fuck I wish I could squirt like that.
11. “You focking squeert on my focking fooot!” HAHAHA

Holy shit I feel like I just got off a roller coaster ride. The kind in a water park that features a waterfall of course.

Femjoy is right! Two completely natural women frolicking around in the lush green outdoors.

Clip 1: So fucking cute and sweet! But um, what’s with the music?? What country do you think they’re from? And which one is named Elvira?

Clip 2: Same exact comments. Only now I know the blonde is Elvira, and that this company is aware of how many foot fetish guys are out there.

OK now I’m hooked - check this one out. Sabina is a little less natural with her fake nails, and all you experts out there - are her tits real? I think they are. I love how she’s perched on a butcher block pouring coffee. Whoever is into nude women pouring coffee will love this one.

I’ll close with this one. She is sooo cute and innocent - all climbing naked into the treehouse and giggling. God I love naked women. Oh wait I am one. Yay! I’m going to go get naked now. But won’t be romping around outdoors today. Brrr. C’mon spring!

(Holy shit, Ornella makes loves to oranges and there’s a close up pussy shot! OK I really have to stop…shit I just found a redhead ha ha this one is funny she’s lounging around naked in an office hallway chatting on a cell phone and it’s boring but then all of a sudden they give you this full-on beaver shot…)

Furry alert! This is just so cute.

XXX Easter

Bunny Bangs Chick

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This one cracks me up:

- omg teacher has huge tits. And she’s cute.
- barfy manicure, bazoomba cleavage
- who turned on the cheesy music? please turn it off, thank you
- man, what a CHEESY setup!
- her voice is annoying
- hot Australian janitor - blue collar wood!
- her facial expressions are supposed to be sexy but they mistranslate into comical
- wearing clothes that tight is not flattering to her figure
- how in the FUCK is it going to transition from fixing the overhead projector to him fucking her??
- oh, she just unzips his work uniform and tells him to shut up.
- he’s wearing a wifebeater! > yum <
- I love how she seduces him right in front of the class
- omfg nice cock
- there she goes with those funny faces again
- nice tongue action, but what’s with the way she pops his cock in and out of her mouth > POP < funny signature move
- the part where the students suddenly notice their teacher is giving the janitor head at the front of the room = hahahahaha
- HA now she’s popping on his small balls
- unleash the mammoth tits already!
- aww, don’t take off the glasses
- what? he’s wearing a condom?! lame! and her pussy is shaved, also lame
- it’s really not worth watching at this point, except you get to see her boobs (they’re nice and squishy and real!) and snicker at the students watching in the background. also, her dirty talk is a little embarrassing.
- the students stop being shocked and just go back to taking their test as she cries out and gets fucked on her desk. too funny.

Here is a 70’s porn featuring Superman.

- Strangely, I find this sexy.
- I love her natural boobs and her oh-so-unnatural bleached beehive wig.
- The red neck scarf is a nice touch.
- Music = AWESOME
- Check out Superman’s wrists about 10 seconds in - he looks like he’s one hairy fucker under that blue outfit.
- I love how down-to-business and pleasantly professional she is with getting on her knees to give Superman a blow job.
- Oh my GOD that’s a nice cock.
- Wait, where the fuck are they - a gym? No, a Porsche tune up center. ??
- YIKES his ass is pale and the crack is hairy.
- You better believe Superman gets a hot threesome and shoots his wad right in their willing upturned faces!
- Why the fuck is he wearing white sports socks??
- I LOVE the way he says “I’m cumming” slightly out of sync 51 seconds into the clip and then when he does, he’s barefoot. They knocked his socks off!

Here is commentary that accompanied this porn clip sent to me:

I love me some porn with an anthropological spin — and here we have a bunch of 20-something bisexual kids throwing up videos on the internet apparently to say (1) fuck YOU! and (2) fucking is fun. I did some research on this (by tracing back the awesome quip in the second clip that I think you will appreciate!) and this is from an extinct site called thesexclub.tv formerly based out of Victoria, B.C.

Part 1:
1. The music is sexy.
2. He’s uncut - yay!
3. He doesn’t seem very hard.
4. What the fuck kindof costume is she wearing? What’s with the pearl necklace? Can you imagine getting wet in those shiny tights? I usually cut a hole in my tights - I need breathing room! Oh wait, she’s wearing thigh hi’s - nice.
5. Ha ha about the skull and crossbones.
6. Mm, nice tits.
7. She’s shaved and he has a pierced tongue.
8. Halfway through the clip you realize they have an audience of three guys.
9. Um, he’s still not very hard - I think he likes boys more.
10. Then it cuts to taping some guy playing on the computer. Then they go back to the couple and put a cowboy hat on her.
11. Then she asks one of the other guys to whip it out so she can suck it, but he almost passes because he thinks all the drugs he took that day will not allow him to get hard.
12. She gives it a go anyway, and WOW that is a nice cock!
13. As she’s sucking that nice cock and getting fucked from behind, she exclaims, “This is the best rodeo ev-er!”
14. OMG that cock keeps growing - it’s like magic! At this point it’s like the size of a building.
15. They start to put on some heavy metal music and the girl tells them that if they do that, she’ll “fuck them with a knife.”
16. The guy with the monster cock says that he’s fucked girls until they bled, and she says, “I’d love for you to do that to me.”

Part 2:
1. Quote of the day: “It’s like a meat bat!”
2. They discuss her g-spot and it seems it’s as big as the monster cock.
3. Oh, fuck it already!
4. She tells one of the guys to suck the big dick. Immediately the boys start discussing the pros and cons of this.
5. They cut to him eating her ass and then all of a sudden there’s footage to a more revved up emo orgy where she is the meat in their sandwich and squeals deliciously.
6. Man, she’s surrounded by three or four horny college dudes and they are just having their fun - I’d like to be the queen in that situation.

Part 3:
1. Ooh now she’s sucking two cocks at once.
2. OK I’ve lost interest. Wandering off now.

Here are my comments on this video of a woman tied beautifully to a futon getting the forced Hitachi Magic Wand treatment:

1. HOT ROPES!
2. I want to act this hot sub move out myself.
3. Nice neutral background.
4. Her passive struggling and quiet moaning is oh so hot.
5. I like the black strap on her mouth.
6. Her fake boobs are awful, as well as the dark grey eyeshadow and hay-like hair, but whoah, hot bod!
7. Futons are never comfortable.

Give me your pornotube, redtube, fantasi…

People email me porn clips all the time - sometimes outrageous, sometimes featuring something they know I’ll really like, bless their hearts. I’m going to start reviewing them.

First up is the Gene Simmons clip that went viral this week. My original source where I watched it is here, but they have since taken it down due to jerky lawyers (lawyers are the biggest perverts, so I find them quashing our sex fun to be particularly unfair.) I’m too lazy to go hunting around trying to find a live clip on the internet, so let’s hope you can. My comments:

1. Gene pulled the classic fat guy move - he left his t-shirt on while having sex.
2. Hot corset, huge fake boobs.
3. I thought for SURE the woman he fucked was a whore, but the news says she’s a model named Elsa. She looked like she was getting paid - I hope so, because she sure as hell didn’t get anything else out of it.
4. She didn’t seem into it AT ALL. She just went through the motions, left her flip-flops on almost the entire time, and whenever he went to kiss her, she turned her face and grimaced.
5. The background music was shitty soft rock, like Richard Marx or something. How he could get hard with that playing is beyond me.
6. He wore a condom, which is good, since he needs to play it safe for his long-term partner. Is he cheating on her? Do they have an open marriage? Is she fucking other people too? I hope so.
7. I’ll bet he wished there were clips floating around of him banging three chicks at once 20-30 years ago to help him save face. This was just lame. They both moved very gingerly - she looked like she was afraid her packed tight tits would explode if she bounced too hard.