The Beautiful Kind

It’s so convenient that just a couple of weeks after my cat ate my vibrator, the Sex Toy Fairy came along and gifted me with a bunch of goodies.

The Silver Bullet is the toy that most closely resembles the one my cat mistook for a hamburger, so I decided to test it out first.

From Wikipedia:

The metaphor of the silver bullet applies to any straightforward solution perceived to have extreme effectiveness. The term originates from folklore. Traditionally, the silver bullet is the only kind of bullet that is effective against a witch, werewolf, monster, or a person living a charmed life.

Seems promising, ey?

The Bullet is a very portable toy, suitable for travel. It’s also lightweight and basic, nothing fancy. It takes 2 AA batteries. The little heart-shaped switch allows you to find the right speed gradually, so instead of just “hi” and “low” you can take your pick from the lowest setting, which with fresh batteries is pretty intense, to something in the middle (good for when you’re in a hurry), to the maximum setting (which numbs your hand if you’re holding it), or anywhere in between.

The buzz it gives off is pretty typical, sounds like an electric razor. I started off with setting it on low and going with my usual bullet placement, putting it right on the clit, but I’m on a mission to expand my repertoire and go beyond my usual routine, so I set it on medium and stuck the Bullet inside my pussy (that’s why it has a cord, right?) It felt niiice, strong and steady. I enjoyed the sensation on my labia, then pushed my clit down on it to get a better connection to my hotspot.

All systems in check, so I let my imagination take over. I thought about beasts and all things forbidden, gave myself over to the new sensations, went from relaxing to tensing in turns, and it was about 10 minutes into this zone that I had an orgasm that felt like I was being turned inside out. I did it! Yessssss. I felt the Bullet rock with the waves of my orgasm; it felt good to have a lil’ something inside me.

The only bad thing about this toy is that you can’t use it with werewolves. But it charmed this witch quite nicely.

Yep, the Sex Toys from VibeReview arrived. Look at how Belle arranged them for me to find.

The first one I’ll review next week is the nose on the smiley face - The Silver Bullet.

It’s Christmas in July for TBK - VibeReview is sending me a brimmin’ boxful of sex toys to review on the site (as if I didn’t already have one of the best toy boxes in town - I’m going to have to trade my hat box in for a trunk!)

This is perfect timing because I’ve been using the Hitachi Magic Wand like a bored housewife. It is old reliable. Yes, I am ready for some FRESH BLOOD to get me off.

VR gave me a sneak peek at what they are sending me - this stuff looks like high-class alien probes. I mean, look at this We-Vibe. Freaky, no? And check out The Miracle Massager, Hitachi’s evil twin! And Liv looks like a Mac Book’s naughty little sister. Be still, my beating pussy…

Yes, yet another reason never to leave the house… stay tuned for the latest buzz!

I masturbated with my little egg vibe, had my happy little orgasm, then left it on the bed and went to shower.

Ten minutes later I came back to clean it and put it away, and it looked like this:

The cat chewed right through the wire!!!

Pussy sabotage!!!

A reader asked me if I have ever used The Accommodator.

I find this strap-on goatee device so godawful goofy looking, there’s no way I could use it. Definitely not sexy. Plus I don’t like latex sex toys, I’m spoiled with glass.

How about you - would you use it? (I could see it coming in handy for someone with a disability who has limited use of their limbs.)

{ :: ~ CUE ANGEL MUSIC ~ :: }

The violet moon butt plug is here! It arrived on Valentine’s Day by coincidence. (I was hoping the package was The Belle’s candy bra, but alas, that is still en route.)

This is SO going up my ass:

It’s so beautiful, it deserves it.

In Texas, I would be a big fat criminal in serious need of jail time. Why? Because I own more than five dildos.

They have a law that says if you own more than five dildos, it’s a felony.

If you go into a sex shop, you aren’t allowed to use the word “dildo” - you have to use a vaguer term, such as “educational device” or “demonstrator.”

Vibrators are “personal massagers,” BUT you can ask for butt plugs and have them called that, because the anus is not considered a sexual orifice in Texas. Here’s my question: why are real cocks legal? They should pass a law against that, and have all the Texas men line up to trade their dicks in for guns.

You can watch the whole documentary about this silliness - it’s called Dildo Diaries. Here is a ten minute excerpt.

UPDATE 2-14-08: Texas ban on sex toys overturned. Read about it here. No doubt Dildo Diaries gets at least some of the credit!

I found out one of my friends has a tail fetish! She wants to get one of those butt plugs with a horse or fox tail attached to it.

Here are pics of me taken the other night with a rope tail my man made out of the excess rope from my chest harness.

OK so we all know what I want for the holidays - sex toys galore and girl fantasies and to be dommed for a day and all that, but how about you?

What would you like most for the holidays? What would be your ideal fantasy, toy, scenario?

Comment away, and who knows, maybe someone is reading and will get you a nice strap-on or stranger-at-the-bar fantasy scenario instead of something dumb like a sweater.

A candy cane for HisLittleSlut for suggesting the idea.

At the Festivus party Friday night, a wagering man did a card trick with me and told me if he wasn’t able to call out the card I picked, he would buy me a glass butt plug. Good boy to read my blog! Even though I was drunk, he fucked up the card trick and I won the bet.

I was understandably smug about winning and told him it would be the most beautiful thing he ever spent $60 on. He gulped at the price and looked a bit down, as he was clearly a poor student, possibly cougar material.

I said, “Will it make you feel better to watch me use it?”

That perked him up and he said, “Well yes, that would take some of the sting out of it.”

My guy stepped in and said, “That’s not gonna happen.”

I bitched, “You’re so territorial!” though secretly I was a bit pleased at my dom calling the shots. “Fine, then you have to buy it for me.” And dom daddy agreed! YESSS!

Here’s the glass plug I want. I’ll be sure and blog about its welcome home party.

OH and I almost forgot the best part - a couple people at the party seemed amazed at the concept of a butt plug and didn’t know what they were good for. An older guy in particular was giving me the third degree about it, practically boring holes in my skull with his feverish gaze (and I’ll bet he totally checked out my ass) and I was right in the middle of filling him in (so to speak) when the party host walked up and said, “You do realize you’re discussing butt plugs with my dad, don’t you?”

That didn’t phase me - dads are such perverts. I told him butt plugs were often associated with sub activity, and that there were lots of sensitive nerve endings in the anus and that it provided a super intense feeling, and that if you wore one while getting fucked, it made the experience different, made you feel more filled up and tightened up/changed the shape of your pussy for your partner. And I didn’t even get to the part about a guy wearing a plug while fucking or jacking off - THEY have the prostate gland that can be stimulated and can make an orgasm 100 x better.

What should every good sex toy box have on hand?

- Glass dildo (the glass dildo will be explained in more detail in the next “Ask The Slut.”)
- Hitachi Magic Wand (DUH! easily the most used toy I own)
- iRabbit or similar penetration/clit stim vibe (Clitopatra, Rabbit Habit, Dolphin, Sea Goddess, Sally Seal…)
- Pocket rocket (though this should generally be in your purse at all times)
- Regular vibrator (eh, make it waterproof)
- Egg shaped vibrator (for those hard to reach moments)
- Butt plug, 3 sizes
- Lube (Wet, Astroglide, those new KY jelly brands that suggest intimacy and not a rectal thermometer)
- Silk scarves, ties or rope (snag the ugliest ties you can find at a thrift store. Perfectly good rope can be found at the hardware store)
- Bandanna for blindfold (note: color matters hee hee - watch for a future post for more details)
- Pussy barbell (this has some serious heft to it and is good for tightening up the ol’ snatch, unless you’re fine with doing Kegals at your desk at work)
- Sex toy cleaner (in case you want to share with friends)
- Cum rags (monogrammed optional)
- Birth control (foam, condoms, a picture of your mom juggling dead kittens)
- Massage oil
- Candles
- Kama Sutra honey dust (made of honeysuckle and honey, I like sprinkling it on my neck, tits, belly, thighs ahead of time, or you can incorporate the anointment into foreplay. It lasts a long time and tastes and smells delicious)
- Erotica/porn

Extras:

- rubber duckie or Hello Kittie vibrator
- sacrilegious sex toys (like Jackhammer Jesus, Virgin Mary dildo, or Baby Jesus butt plug, all sure to make you scream OH GOD)
- Smartballs (these are just fun)

You can do without:

- Cock rings (I have a set of these and have offered them to various guys for use, and they all decline. Are cock rings a gay thing? Does anyone actually use them?)
- Novelty flavored lubes (cute idea, but it seems like all your sex partners don’t like the chemically too sweet taste)
- Any rubber or plastic toy that stinks up the whole room with its chemical presence (even if it won’t give you cancer from exposing it to your delicate tissues, it smells toxic and unsexy)
- G-spot stimulaters (I’ve bought three different kinds, and have found fingers or glass work the best)
- Super gimicky vibrators (I had one that lit up and I thought it was sooo cool and Star Wars, but it didn’t last long at all)
- Anal numb, pussy tightening, or cock desensitizer cream (all gross or useless)

On my wish list:

- The Cone (pink has never looked so pleasing)
- Strap on (my friend got one for her birthday last month - me=jealous, but I think she’ll let me use it on her)
- Glass butt plug (doesn’t just the thought of shoving glass up your ass make you feel punk and edgy?)
- Non-leather flogger (preferably in a pretty color - my guy says he thinks he can make one out of parachute cord!)

Where to go to shop online:

Smitten Kitten
Babes in Toyland
Glass Fantasy

Finally, what kind of box should you use for your toys? I like using those big, sturdy, flowery boxes or hat boxes that were clearly meant for older women to store their neck scarves or potpourri. The irony of something so old fashioned and staid housing perverted items meant to infiltrate my cunt appeals to me. Make sure and get something big enough so you have room to grow. Now that we’ve gotten into ropes and bondage stuff, we keep a separate crate for all that.

My guy was waiting for me to wash up and come to bed so we could get our freak on. I entered the dim room, my cunt fresh and ready to be licked, and was puzzled to hear a very familiar buzzing sound. It was my Hitachi Magic Wand, and lo and behold, he was experimenting, rubbing it’s powerfully vibrating head on the shaft of his raging hard cock.

“Well!” I exclaimed, pleased that once again he was displaying his creativity in the bedroom. He wasn’t just going to sit around and twiddle his thumbs, no sir.

“It feels wonderful,” he murmured, and I settled in eagerly to watch.

GOD I LOVE my Hitachi Magic Wand. I received it as a gift from an ex-love, and never has a gift been more used or appreciated. I use it about twice a day, worth every penny. It’s a hardcore device - plugs into the wall and is intense, not for the faint at heart. It usually only takes me a minute or two to get off with it. I’ve heard it’s great for back pain and massaging muscles, too, ha ha.

Anyway, my guy didn’t even need to move it, just rest it on his cock in the places that felt best, mostly under the head and frenulum area. I couldn’t believe how effective it was at pleasuring him to the point of orgasm. I kissed him on the mouth and ran my hands and hair gently over his naked chest. It was so sexy to hear him moan, his cock electrified and straining, magically erupting under the hypnotic influence of the wand.

I barely gave him a chance to recover before I chirped, “My turn!” I can be so greedy, but hey, at least I share my toys.

Normally I’m all about celebrating the human body, but when you break it down like this, I have a hard time getting it up. These folks were very brave to take this experiment as far as they did:

http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/sexdoll/

How about pretend excretions? Boogers, semen, dingleberries? And omigod regarding the foot that comes with a vagina - talk about pussyfootin’ around.

I was intrigued by the crucifix dildos used by dirty nuns in the porn My Ass is Haunted, so I looked around to see if I could order one. Oh swell - there are several religious sex toys. Jackhammer Jesus can be yours for $60. (Of course I had to have him.) From the description:

Jesus fucking Christ. Literally. This extremely blasphemous dildo features a fairly realistic dickhead at the tip, and a crucifix complete with a figure of our crucified Lord at the base. A very hefty dildo with lots of ridges and bulges, it’s perfect for playing debauched priest, naughty nun, or re-enacting The Exorcist.

Finally all those times I pant, “oh god oh god oh god” would make sense. I’m pretty sure this is a good substitute for church.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned- it’s been three days since my last masturbation…

Update: Jesus is a huge hit at parties!

Treehugger featured an interesting video on green sex toys. They pointed out that many dildos are made of plastic and have some creepy chemicals that might not be such a good idea to insert in your hot spots.

Glass dildos and stainless steel butt plugs are some good alternatives. In Japan they have dildos made of seawood gelatin that dissolve in hot water after use so you can hide the fact that you had fun in your parent’s living room. Finally, they suggested the cheapest route (glass and stainless steel toys can easily cost $100): a trip to the organic produce section.