The Beautiful Kind

When I first saw this vibe, I was skeptical. It looked like the kind of vibe that makes love to you, and I like getting fucked. I also don’t like how so many vibes tack on the word “G-spot” in order to generate more sales, but in reality they don’t do a thing for the g-spot, and that just pisses me off.

Turns out the Sunflower G-Spot IS the kind of vibe that makes love to you, and you know what? I LIKED IT. Vibe Review talks about how it “it takes you through a valley of pleasure and sexual grace.” I read that and felt like ripping a romance novel in half, but omg it DID!!! After using it, I felt like I was on the edge of the misty sea, the wind playing with my long, flowing white dress and my beautiful, blond wavy hair, my emerald eyes narrowed in concentration as I searched the horizon for my lost lover…

All right, back to reality. Let’s talk basics here. The Sunflower was designed by a woman and is a Doc Johnson product. It’s one of those toys that is a cat hair magnet, so I had to use it in a hermetically sealed room. It’s phthalate-free, which means it won’t turn your pussy into a toxic chemical dumping ground. It’s WATERPROOF. It’s easy to figure out how to add batteries (2 AA) - you just unscrew the base, no secret code needed. But make sure and close cap tightly so the batteries can make the proper connection. It offers a graduate speed and the buzzing sound is pleasant.

Another thing that’s pleasant is its smell. When I first took it out of the box, it smelled fruity, but not obnoxious cloying Bath and Body Shop pre-teen fruity. “It smells like Laffy Taffy!” Belle commented. A few weeks later it still had a very slight and pleasant aroma to it, which I find endearing.

The sunflowers are decorative only - they didn’t act like sensation studs or anything. It’s super flexible, so you can work it the way you want it.

I haven’t ejaculated in a long time, so I decided to make that my goal. I went pee first, then laid on the bed. Then I thought better of it and got down on the hardwood floor instead - easier cleanup. I turned it on low and played it along my vulva for a bit, then took it up to medium and took the curved tip and worked it between my pussy lips. I was already a little wet, but not super aroused, so it went in a little tight. I kept working it in and out, further and further in, and got wetter.

Then I shoved it in, pushed up, easily flicked it to high, and then focused on… me.  I didn’t tense up and think about super dirty things the way I usually do. Instead I relaxed and felt all yoga and feminine, and after just a few minutes, not long at all, it just washed over me. I felt this urge, this sensation that my core was melting down, and liquid flowed out of me. Not gushed, not squirted, but more like an ice cube melting on high speed. It felt so calming, like sweet release, no crazy shaking.

I moved my wet ass out of the way and tasted what came out of me, which looked on the floor like two ice cubes worth of fluid. Oh my god, it tasted SOO good! I am so delighted that something that wonderful comes out of my little sex pot. It’s light and salty, flowery, sweet, grass, organic. Seriously, it’s goddess nectar.

I really, really want to use this toy with a sexy bohunk MAN, someone who will watch attentively and add his energy, and lick my vibrating clit and lap up all the ambrosia as it flows out. I want him to moan with pleasure, and then kiss me afterwards, his lips wet and sweet.

So yeah, the G-spot Sunflower IS all that. I love it. Namaste.

** VIBE THE VOTE: Special discount until Election Day: Click this link to receive 10% off your purchase at Vibe Review.**

Confession: I cheated on my beloved Hitachi Magic Wand. (sidenote: I also christened two of my friends new Magic Wands; I’m such a toy slut goddess.)

I took up with its evil twin - the Miracle Massager.

The Miracle Massager is lighter, better designed, more flexible, and looks less like a piece of medical equipment. It sounds fine, too - a nice normal buzz. They both have two speeds, and they both plug into the wall. For some reason, I favor the Wand - maybe because I’ve had such a long and illustrious relationship with it. I’ve used it for over two years now, two or three times a day, and it’s still going strong and steady. GOD I love it so much…

But back to Miracle Massager. What can I say? I turned it on and mashed its yielding, rubbery red head against my pussy. The low speed is intense enough that I used it through my clothes. It served its purpose - made me cum hard and tingling while fantasizing about devilish things like forced blow jobs and wimpering redheads.

Once that was taken care of, I set out to see what else I could do with it. I used it to massage various parts of my body - its curved shape worked well with reaching my back. Then I used it on my cat - not sexually, GEEZ. I’m not that perverted. I just gave him a little back and shoulder massage with it. He liked it fine, he purred right along with it.

Incidentally, I hate how all these toys come with a disclaimer. This one said:

This product is intended for use as a novelty product only. Any product use for medical purpose or for a use that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Definition of the word novelty: an article of trade whose value is chiefly decorative, comic, or the like and whose appeal is often transitory. Um, I don’t see anything funny or fleeting about this toy. Legal dorks. And isn’t “prohibited” a strong word to use here? Wouldn’t “ill-advised” suffice? At least it didn’t say using it on felines is prohibited, or I’d be in big trouble.

** VIBE THE VOTE: Special discount until Election Day: Click this link to receive 10% off your purchase at Vibe Review.**

The last time I used my plug-in Hitachi Wand, flames came out of the wall (stupid faulty electrical wiring) so I decided to switch to something with batteries for my next self-fuck fest. The Stubby G, or G-Swirl, is a snazzy little fatty. This one has hot packaging, so I have to show it off:

The packaging even has this cute little magnetic button clasp that really pleases me.

But will the vibe??

Well, Stubby-G makes a good first impression by including a packet of lube and batteries, NICE! It’s like he brought me flowers. He’s saying, “Honey, I really want you to feel good and I want to make it easy on you. These items of convenience will bring you that much faster to orgasmic ecstasy.”

So is it just me, or does Stubby G resemble a dog dick? And something made by Nickelodeon?

All right, here on out I’m going to call him G since the word stubby is not very sexy.

G is made of silicone which means he is odorless and non-porous. I HATE those toys that stink like rubber and harbor cooties! He will also enjoy a long life.

G’s yellow splash variable speed control dial is very easy to operate with one hand when he’s down between your legs. G also gives off a pleasant purring vibe sound when he’s put to work play.

I used the lube and worked him into my pussy and watched some Japanese porn (I’m STILL trying to figure that shit out!) Since G is new to me, it took me a while to get used to the new sensations. It wasn’t love at first insertion, but I’m confident I will warm up to this funny lookin’ fella. He said, “Honey, give me time, I’ll do you right.”

After a while I realized it wasn’t working for me shoved inside (that bulgy ridge wasn’t hitting my clit right) so I pulled him out and applied the tip to my clit.  Ahhh, that felt very nice. He said, “See? What did I tell you? I know how to make you feel gooood.”

As soon as I started to climax, I plunged him back inside, which threw me for a loop and took me for a ride - I didn’t know if I was cumming or going. He said, “You want to be filled, don’t you, you hot little slut!”

All in all, it was a good first date. And yes, I am a crazy bitch for pretending my vibrator can talk. Proof that someone needs to fuck me already.

** VIBE THE VOTE: Special discount until Election Day: Click this link to receive 10% off your purchase at Vibe Review.**

Are you ready for something really suave? Then please meet The Liv.

Let’s do a strip tease. Here is Liv in her hot pink outer sleeve:

Here she is in her swanky black box:

And here she is in all her sleek glory:

Does she not glow like an angel?? I’m not much into fancy gadgets, so I was a little intimidated at the site of such techno beauty. But I didn’t have to worry - Belle is a total tech GEEK and she snatched this toy from me so fast I didn’t even get to touch my clit with it.

Here is her review:

Ahh, the Liv. It reminds me of a Nintendo Wii remote and smells faintly like a new car.

The instructions for the LIV said to charge it first, so I plugged it in and was pleasantly surprised by the little LED halo around the controls that lights up. Clearly, I am a technology geek, so I like the banana-curved simplicity mixed with the tech styling.

The Liv has 9 vibration intensity settings and 5 vibe type settings: one solid vibe setting, three pulse settings, and one wave setting. I set it on a low vibration setting (I think 3) and the wave setting.

At first, I was not terribly impressed. The wave just wasn’t doing it for me. But then it HIT ME. I started gently pressing the tip of the Liv into my pussy. The combination of the tip gently poking me and the side of the vibe gently stimulating my inner lips made me gasp.

I slowly worked the Liv inside with one hand while using the other hand to press my inner lips against it. I gently moved it in and out. It began to feel really, REALLY good.

I tried spinning the Liv around in time with the waves, and that felt great too. Soon I was lovingly fucking myself and losing everything in the room.

When I came, my pussy grabbed hold and pulled the Liv further in. Normally I am somewhat quiet when I orgasm, but this time my vocal gasps rang out in the empty living room.

This experience is actually the second time using the Liv. The first time was with a partner watching and gently finger-fucking me. I used the solid vibe setting for that occasion and focused more on my clit. For some reason, my method this time worked very well.

Liv is officially my new favorite.

I just want you to know that I hatefucked this sex toy.

It’s called The Twist, and I loathed it upon sight. It’s UGLY and cheap looking. Seeing as how it resembles a FLEET enema, I decided I should shove it up my ass. I didn’t even read the description, I just went on instinct here. I’ve never had a vibrating object up my ass before, so I figured it would be a new thrill.

Um, it was. I LIKED how it felt, all lubed up and probing, it tickled my rectum good and sent a shout out to a bunch of nerve endings that normally get neglected.

But I didn’t want to like it! Stupid ugly thing! And when you turn it on high it sounds like a model airplane, which is not sexy. Here, this is what it sounds like.

Admittedly, it was fun to have my rear covered as I attended to my front with the Hitachi Magic Wand. Double prizes, bitches! And it was a nice size for my nearly virginal ass.

So yeah, I don’t recommend this thing. But… I do. It was pretty fucking cool, made me feel dirty. I’m pretty sure I sneered as I came (which happened with a quickness, I might add). And man do I want to stick it up a guy’s ass!!! Don’t worry fellas, I’ll clean it nice and good for you…

PS: Note on box: Warning - This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions. Do not use on unexplained calf pain. Made in Japan.

This is the We-Vibe:

Have you ever seen a sex toy shaped like this? I haven’t. I was skeptical at first, but after trying it out a couple times, I am smitten. Here is why:

• The box says it’s “for couples or solo play.” Why not for triads? Hmf. Ha ha. I used it solo, would be curious to see what it’s like with someone else there, would it be fun for them? OK I just peeped at a site about it and it said it can be worn while “making love.” Huh? Really? I’ll have to try that out. Now I’m imagining what it would be like to have my clit and g-spot stimulated while getting fucked, and the guy getting a vibrating vagina…
• It has two speeds. I used the higher speed. The switch is tricky for me, really hidden, so it’s good that it came with a little instruction sheet.
• It’s rechargeable, and the plug outlet is invisible, so it’s very weird to stick the plug in to charge it up. It feels like you’re…penetrating it. The charge will last for two hours.
• It’s very space age.
• I stuck one end of it inside me and rested the other on my clit. I had to push up on it to get it where I wanted it, which really pressed against the “roof” of my pussy’s mouth, really giving me g-spot stimulation. I had to resist the urge to squirt (I didn’t prep ahead with a towel). Usually toys that claim g-spot stim don’t carry through for me, so that was pretty cool.
• I LOVE that it is waterproof. Can’t WAIT to take it in the bath with me.
• It’s super discreet, doesn’t look like a sex toy, and comes in an eyeglass case, pretty snazzy. You can walk around with it and people won’t know what it is. You can tell them it hooks over your ear or something. Come to think of it, it would be fun to take it out somewhere and ask people what they think it is and videotape the responses.
• It’s REALLY quiet, sounds subtle and sexy. You could use it and someone in the next room wouldn’t notice.
• It’s carbon neutral!
• I’m thinking there are a lot of possibilities with this thing, pretty exciting.

Here is another pic of it out of the box:

I buzzed through my review of it because Belle also gave it a test run, so we get two takes on it! Here is her in-depth review:

Belle’s Bitch Box Profile
Clit stimulation: Indirect
Internal/G-spot stimulation: sometimes, but not necessary
Preferred toys: fingers, finger sized gentle vibrators
Has successfully used: Hitachi magic wand, Feeldoe, iRabbit
Accessories: glass dildo or butt plug, lube
Squirt: Right before orgasm, about 50% of the time

I like to start with subtle stimulation – gentle rubbing on my thighs and mons. I progress to the faintest hint of a caress on my outer lips, then inner lips, and vaginal opening. I very slowly add more pressure, while moving my toy in a clockwise motion around, but not touching, my clit.

Sometimes I move my toy in a clockwise direction to the right of my clit, so that it stimulates my inner and outer lips and the right side of my clit only. I switch things up and gently prod my vaginal opening or my anus very slowly until my body gives in and allows the toy inside. I return to my clit. The key to getting off is on again, off again stimulation. I will often lift the toy off so that it is not touching, and then press down again, over and over.

As I near orgasm, I like to back the toy off and press down with decreasing pressure until the slightest graze will send me over the edge. Direct clitoral stimulation is too much and will turn me off. G-spot stimulation is good, but again, too much will turn me off. Anal stimulation is nice, especially in a circular motion around the anal opening.

I don’t like to flex my Kegal muscles while masturbating. I prefer to relax. Flexing me Kegals hastens orgasm, but I feel that I don’t get quite as much enjoyment out of it that way – it feels almost like cheating.

The We-vibe is a cute, portable little vibe that even comes in its own attractive case. The case is big enough to hold the toy and its charger. It strikes me as a little odd that the manufacturers of this toy would hide the rather pretty case inside the packaging instead of showing it off. The case was a nice little surprise.

The vibe itself has an outer shell of 100% silicone, which is great for silky smooth play, but not so great if you own anything that gives off lint or fur. Be prepared to rinse this guy off if it touches anything furry or linty.

When I first took the We-Vibe out of its box, I looked at is quizzically. Here’s a charger, but where do you stick the plug? Oh, instructions. To charge the We-Vibe, you shove the plug into this little dimple on the front. A barely-perceptible opening in the silicone parts, and the charger is in. Sexy. To turn it on, you press the “nose” above the charger port: to the right for low, to the left for high, in the middle for off.

I flicked the switch and it turned on right out of the box. Yay! I caressed my outer lips with it and it felt good, so I ran upstairs to try it out.

Alas, it only worked for about 4 minutes. The instructions say to let it charge first (for 24 hours), and I didn’t do that, so whatever test charge it had left in it faded quickly.

24 hours later, I used the low setting as I tend to prefer lower frequency vibrations and pulsing. There is no pulse effect, so the vibe only operates at two frequencies. On an intensity scale of 1-10, with 1 being “cell phone on vibrate” and 10 being “Hitachi Magic Wand on high” I would say that the low setting is probably a 3, and the high setting probably a 5.

Fucking myself: I started with the usual, letting the vibe gently caress my bits, slowly adding more pressure until I was turned on enough to become wet. Then, I slowly let the skinny end enter me, where it remained. I pressed and released the thin curve so that both heads would rub at the same time. This felt good, but I didn’t feel as though it was going anywhere, so I switched up, instead pressing the outer head down on my clit and releasing, then repeating.

Occasionally when fucking myself or being fucked, I have a sort of out of body experience. I feel as though I am shrinking down a tunnel, yet at the same time, all sensations feel larger than life. It feels sort of like my clit is a mountain, and my hand is a giant’s hand, stroking away. This used to bother me, so I would open my eyes and snap back into sensory reality. However I have learned to embrace it. This occurred while using the We-Vibe.

As I neared orgasm, I squirted – I felt the warm liquid roll down my perineum and tickle my anus. The orgasm deserves a 6 out of 10.

Ironically, when I went to sniff the wet spot, I smelled urine. Sometimes I urinate as well as squirt (I think), and I definitely wet the bed. So the We-Vibe… made me wee.

Overall, I like it. For people who aren’t too picky about speed or pulsations, it will make a great toy. I like that it’s small enough to put in your pocket, and comes with a smartly designed case for chucking it in your bag. It would make a great travel toy. I read that you and just stick it in and turn it on, but I am a complicated girl, so I don’t think using it that way would work so well for me.

The other day I was sitting in a Starbucks with my friend P. He was telling me all about his BDSM/polyamorous adventures. He is married but has a sub girlfriend. He told me about all these crazy things he has done with her, then casually mentioned, “She really likes the Cobra Stinger.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s this little electrical toy that can produce some pretty cool sensations.”

“LIKE WHAT?”

I’ve always thought that electrical stimulation was so silly. I was at a party one time where a person was running around with a TENS unit, applying it to people’s nipple rings and stuff. I absolutely avoided that person. I mean, how hard do you have to try? How to be a hit at parties: Electrocute people!

“Well, I can show you if you want. I have it with me.”

“No way! Where?”

He motioned to his waist. It was clipped on his jeans like a cell phone.

“Let me see!” I demanded.

He whipped it out.

It takes 2 AA batteries, and can give off a pulsing and continuous current similar to a bee sting or an encounter with someone you have amazing chemistry with.

He turned it on and touched one of the prongs. “Now you touch the other prong,” he instructed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did. WOW. That felt fun. I liked the pulse setting.

Then he said with a devious smile, “Now touch your tongue with your other hand.”

Giddily, I looked him in the eye and did as he suggested, AND I FELT MY TONGUE TINGLE. The current ran right through me, so subtle and sexy. Just imagine all the possibilities!

I’m telling you this in order to let you know that it’s more fun being electrocuted in Starbucks than it is to pay $5 for a cup of coffee. And to tell you my friend P. is a playa who turned me on cheater-style BAM.

I want one!!!

It’s so convenient that just a couple of weeks after my cat ate my vibrator, the Sex Toy Fairy came along and gifted me with a bunch of goodies.

The Silver Bullet is the toy that most closely resembles the one my cat mistook for a hamburger, so I decided to test it out first.

From Wikipedia:

The metaphor of the silver bullet applies to any straightforward solution perceived to have extreme effectiveness. The term originates from folklore. Traditionally, the silver bullet is the only kind of bullet that is effective against a witch, werewolf, monster, or a person living a charmed life.

Seems promising, ey?

The Bullet is a very portable toy, suitable for travel. It’s also lightweight and basic, nothing fancy. It takes 2 AA batteries. The little heart-shaped switch allows you to find the right speed gradually, so instead of just “hi” and “low” you can take your pick from the lowest setting, which with fresh batteries is pretty intense, to something in the middle (good for when you’re in a hurry), to the maximum setting (which numbs your hand if you’re holding it), or anywhere in between.

The buzz it gives off is pretty typical, sounds like an electric razor. I started off with setting it on low and going with my usual bullet placement, putting it right on the clit, but I’m on a mission to expand my repertoire and go beyond my usual routine, so I set it on medium and stuck the Bullet inside my pussy (that’s why it has a cord, right?) It felt niiice, strong and steady. I enjoyed the sensation on my labia, then pushed my clit down on it to get a better connection to my hotspot.

All systems in check, so I let my imagination take over. I thought about beasts and all things forbidden, gave myself over to the new sensations, went from relaxing to tensing in turns, and it was about 10 minutes into this zone that I had an orgasm that felt like I was being turned inside out. I did it! Yessssss. I felt the Bullet rock with the waves of my orgasm; it felt good to have a lil’ something inside me.

The only bad thing about this toy is that you can’t use it with werewolves. But it charmed this witch quite nicely.

Yep, the Sex Toys from VibeReview arrived. Look at how Belle arranged them for me to find.

The first one I’ll review next week is the nose on the smiley face - The Silver Bullet.

It’s Christmas in July for TBK - VibeReview is sending me a brimmin’ boxful of sex toys to review on the site (as if I didn’t already have one of the best toy boxes in town - I’m going to have to trade my hat box in for a trunk!)

This is perfect timing because I’ve been using the Hitachi Magic Wand like a bored housewife. It is old reliable. Yes, I am ready for some FRESH BLOOD to get me off.

VR gave me a sneak peek at what they are sending me - this stuff looks like high-class alien probes. I mean, look at this We-Vibe. Freaky, no? And check out The Miracle Massager, Hitachi’s evil twin! And Liv looks like a Mac Book’s naughty little sister. Be still, my beating pussy…

Yes, yet another reason never to leave the house… stay tuned for the latest buzz!

I masturbated with my little egg vibe, had my happy little orgasm, then left it on the bed and went to shower.

Ten minutes later I came back to clean it and put it away, and it looked like this:

The cat chewed right through the wire!!!

Pussy sabotage!!!

A reader asked me if I have ever used The Accommodator.

I find this strap-on goatee device so godawful goofy looking, there’s no way I could use it. Definitely not sexy. Plus I don’t like latex sex toys, I’m spoiled with glass.

How about you - would you use it? (I could see it coming in handy for someone with a disability who has limited use of their limbs.)

{ :: ~ CUE ANGEL MUSIC ~ :: }

The violet moon butt plug is here! It arrived on Valentine’s Day by coincidence. (I was hoping the package was The Belle’s candy bra, but alas, that is still en route.)

This is SO going up my ass:

It’s so beautiful, it deserves it.

In Texas, I would be a big fat criminal in serious need of jail time. Why? Because I own more than five dildos.

They have a law that says if you own more than five dildos, it’s a felony.

If you go into a sex shop, you aren’t allowed to use the word “dildo” - you have to use a vaguer term, such as “educational device” or “demonstrator.”

Vibrators are “personal massagers,” BUT you can ask for butt plugs and have them called that, because the anus is not considered a sexual orifice in Texas. Here’s my question: why are real cocks legal? They should pass a law against that, and have all the Texas men line up to trade their dicks in for guns.

You can watch the whole documentary about this silliness - it’s called Dildo Diaries. Here is a ten minute excerpt.

UPDATE 2-14-08: Texas ban on sex toys overturned. Read about it here. No doubt Dildo Diaries gets at least some of the credit!

I found out one of my friends has a tail fetish! She wants to get one of those butt plugs with a horse or fox tail attached to it.

Here are pics of me taken the other night with a rope tail my man made out of the excess rope from my chest harness.

OK so we all know what I want for the holidays - sex toys galore and girl fantasies and to be dommed for a day and all that, but how about you?

What would you like most for the holidays? What would be your ideal fantasy, toy, scenario?

Comment away, and who knows, maybe someone is reading and will get you a nice strap-on or stranger-at-the-bar fantasy scenario instead of something dumb like a sweater.

A candy cane for HisLittleSlut for suggesting the idea.

At the Festivus party Friday night, a wagering man did a card trick with me and told me if he wasn’t able to call out the card I picked, he would buy me a glass butt plug. Good boy to read my blog! Even though I was drunk, he fucked up the card trick and I won the bet.

I was understandably smug about winning and told him it would be the most beautiful thing he ever spent $60 on. He gulped at the price and looked a bit down, as he was clearly a poor student, possibly cougar material.

I said, “Will it make you feel better to watch me use it?”

That perked him up and he said, “Well yes, that would take some of the sting out of it.”

My guy stepped in and said, “That’s not gonna happen.”

I bitched, “You’re so territorial!” though secretly I was a bit pleased at my dom calling the shots. “Fine, then you have to buy it for me.” And dom daddy agreed! YESSS!

Here’s the glass plug I want. I’ll be sure and blog about its welcome home party.

OH and I almost forgot the best part - a couple people at the party seemed amazed at the concept of a butt plug and didn’t know what they were good for. An older guy in particular was giving me the third degree about it, practically boring holes in my skull with his feverish gaze (and I’ll bet he totally checked out my ass) and I was right in the middle of filling him in (so to speak) when the party host walked up and said, “You do realize you’re discussing butt plugs with my dad, don’t you?”

That didn’t phase me - dads are such perverts. I told him butt plugs were often associated with sub activity, and that there were lots of sensitive nerve endings in the anus and that it provided a super intense feeling, and that if you wore one while getting fucked, it made the experience different, made you feel more filled up and tightened up/changed the shape of your pussy for your partner. And I didn’t even get to the part about a guy wearing a plug while fucking or jacking off - THEY have the prostate gland that can be stimulated and can make an orgasm 100 x better.

What should every good sex toy box have on hand?

- Glass dildo (the glass dildo will be explained in more detail in the next “Ask The Slut.”)
- Hitachi Magic Wand (DUH! easily the most used toy I own)
- iRabbit or similar penetration/clit stim vibe (Clitopatra, Rabbit Habit, Dolphin, Sea Goddess, Sally Seal…)
- Pocket rocket (though this should generally be in your purse at all times)
- Regular vibrator (eh, make it waterproof)
- Egg shaped vibrator (for those hard to reach moments)
- Butt plug, 3 sizes
- Lube (Wet, Astroglide, those new KY jelly brands that suggest intimacy and not a rectal thermometer)
- Silk scarves, ties or rope (snag the ugliest ties you can find at a thrift store. Perfectly good rope can be found at the hardware store)
- Bandanna for blindfold (note: color matters hee hee - watch for a future post for more details)
- Pussy barbell (this has some serious heft to it and is good for tightening up the ol’ snatch, unless you’re fine with doing Kegals at your desk at work)
- Sex toy cleaner (in case you want to share with friends)
- Cum rags (monogrammed optional)
- Birth control (foam, condoms, a picture of your mom juggling dead kittens)
- Massage oil
- Candles
- Kama Sutra honey dust (made of honeysuckle and honey, I like sprinkling it on my neck, tits, belly, thighs ahead of time, or you can incorporate the anointment into foreplay. It lasts a long time and tastes and smells delicious)
- Erotica/porn

Extras:

- rubber duckie or Hello Kittie vibrator
- sacrilegious sex toys (like Jackhammer Jesus, Virgin Mary dildo, or Baby Jesus butt plug, all sure to make you scream OH GOD)
- Smartballs (these are just fun)

You can do without:

- Cock rings (I have a set of these and have offered them to various guys for use, and they all decline. Are cock rings a gay thing? Does anyone actually use them?)
- Novelty flavored lubes (cute idea, but it seems like all your sex partners don’t like the chemically too sweet taste)
- Any rubber or plastic toy that stinks up the whole room with its chemical presence (even if it won’t give you cancer from exposing it to your delicate tissues, it smells toxic and unsexy)
- G-spot stimulaters (I’ve bought three different kinds, and have found fingers or glass work the best)
- Super gimicky vibrators (I had one that lit up and I thought it was sooo cool and Star Wars, but it didn’t last long at all)
- Anal numb, pussy tightening, or cock desensitizer cream (all gross or useless)

On my wish list:

- The Cone (pink has never looked so pleasing)
- Strap on (my friend got one for her birthday last month - me=jealous, but I think she’ll let me use it on her)
- Glass butt plug (doesn’t just the thought of shoving glass up your ass make you feel punk and edgy?)
- Non-leather flog (preferably in a pretty color - my guy says he thinks he can make one out of parachute cord!)

Where to go to shop online:

Smitten Kitten
Babes in Toyland
Glass Fantasy

Finally, what kind of box should you use for your toys? I like using those big, sturdy, flowery boxes or hat boxes that were clearly meant for older women to store their neck scarves or potpourri. The irony of something so old fashioned and staid housing perverted items meant to infiltrate my cunt appeals to me. Make sure and get something big enough so you have room to grow. Now that we’ve gotten into ropes and bondage stuff, we keep a separate crate for all that.

My guy was waiting for me to wash up and come to bed so we could get our freak on. I entered the dim room, my cunt fresh and ready to be licked, and was puzzled to hear a very familiar buzzing sound. It was my Hitachi Magic Wand, and lo and behold, he was experimenting, rubbing it’s powerfully vibrating head on the shaft of his raging hard cock.

“Well!” I exclaimed, pleased that once again he was displaying his creativity in the bedroom. He wasn’t just going to sit around and twiddle his thumbs, no sir.

“It feels wonderful,” he murmured, and I settled in eagerly to watch.

GOD I LOVE my Hitachi Magic Wand. I received it as a gift from an ex-love, and never has a gift been more used or appreciated. I use it about twice a day, worth every penny. It’s a hardcore device - plugs into the wall and is intense, not for the faint at heart. It usually only takes me a minute or two to get off with it. I’ve heard it’s great for back pain and massaging muscles, too, ha ha.

Anyway, my guy didn’t even need to move it, just rest it on his cock in the places that felt best, mostly under the head and frenulum area. I couldn’t believe how effective it was at pleasuring him to the point of orgasm. I kissed him on the mouth and ran my hands and hair gently over his naked chest. It was so sexy to hear him moan, his cock electrified and straining, magically erupting under the hypnotic influence of the wand.

I barely gave him a chance to recover before I chirped, “My turn!” I can be so greedy, but hey, at least I share my toys.

Normally I’m all about celebrating the human body, but when you break it down like this, I have a hard time getting it up. These folks were very brave to take this experiment as far as they did:

http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/sexdoll/

How about pretend excretions? Boogers, semen, dingleberries? And omigod regarding the foot that comes with a vagina - talk about pussyfootin’ around.