The Beautiful Kind

Wheeee!

I wonder if I can get my man to wear this costume for a sex fantasy.

Of course it would have to be slightly modified so I could suck his Pez.

God I love purging. To be honest with you, it’s one of the main reasons why I like donating blood. If I had to pick an eating disorder, it’d be bulimia hands down.

I get a thrill when I sit down at my computer and delete files and unused programs. “Are you sure you want to delete these 36 items?” it asks nervously. Fuck yeah!

I love going through a closet, bookshelf, or cabinet and trashing or donating all the crap that accumulates. Give me your garage, basement, or attic.

And omigod my parent’s refrigerator. No matter how often I go in there and clean out that thing, there are multiple jars of condiments that expired three years ago. I like consolidating the three open jars of Miracle Whip into one tangy blob.

Garbage day is like reverse Christmas for me - I never forget to put out the trash because I get off on it so much. I love taking stuff to the curb and knowing that I WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.

I’m reading a book called Garbageland that reveals all the secrets behind the trash industry - it can be as guarded as the meat industry. I’m learning about landfills, recycling (I’m such a recycling slut) and composting (I love worms).

The first thing I did when I moved in with my beau a couple months ago (besides put up my 200+ Pez dispensers and 30 sock monkeys - it’s weird that I’m a purger AND a collector) is sign him up for recycling and start a compost heap out in his backyard. I also threw away most of his shit.

He might be having second thoughts of letting me move in (I also covered his television with a decorative tapestry since the big black box was so unsightly) if it weren’t for all the blow jobs he was getting in exchange.

Here is Nelson, a BABY sock monkey, fashioned from children socks, riding Frog, the sock frog. He is goin’ places!

So can you. Get your own sock monkey and vegan delights this weekend at the Strange Folk Festival in O’Fallon, IL.

Mimi is cute, small, and bent - a pink little macaroni. She’s my only sock monkey with a hint of fingerlings.

Here she is taking the train in Canada:

At the beach:

Cuddling with a teddy bear at a B&B:

Riding sidesaddle:

Um, what the hell is going on here?

Here is Sandoval trying out stool samples in a thrift store in Bangor, Maine:

And here he is playing professor at University of Maine. Like everyone else, he just loooves those Herman Miller Aeron chairs:

The Beautiful Kind wants to know: Is it possible to overload a bookmark category in your internet browser? For instance, my “yummy” category (featuring veg and ethnic restaurants) has about 14 websites stashed.

My “bad animal people” category has three links saved - one for a website promoting fur, one for hunting safaris, and one for live animal auctions.

My “sex” category, on the other hand, has 83.

Is there going to be a point, say, when I try bookmarking my 100th sex site, and my internet browswer is going to cut me off, and a box will pop up that says, “All right, that’s enough you pervert!”

I wonder if I should break them down into more specific categories, such as “gay” and “fetish.” Hopefully you perverts can assure me that you have 200+ sex sites bookmarked and your computer is not about to buckle. And hopefully you will share a good link or two, hint, hint…

http://luriddigs.com/ (Thanks to my friend in Denmark!)
http://nondairycreemer.blogspot.com/ (Thanks to my breast cancer researcher scientist friend! As you can tell, he realllly loves breasts.)

Recent group photo of local Monkeyville.

Check out their friend’s sock monkey blog! Such delightfully naughty creatures…

My friend J asked if I wanted to go see the movie Once with her. I asked her what it was about, and she said it was an Irish, romantic, musical feel good film.

This immediately turned me off, so I looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes. It got a 97%! Because of this and the fact that it was only 95 minutes long, I decided it was worth the risk of paying $6 at the Tivoli to watch.

Sidenote: I get seriously annoyed when movies are over 2 hours long. I find it inconsiderate on the director’s part to take up more of my time than that to get his or her message across.

Spider Man III - 2 hr 20 min.

Pirates of the Caribbean III - 2 hr 45 min.

Give me a fucking break!

I watched the movie, and was successfully cynical at least halfway through, despite the lead guy’s cute scritchable red beard paired with a scarf (I LOVE that combo) and that he worked in a vacuum repair store (I LOVE vacuum repair stores). I sat in the dark theater, arms crossed, thinking, “It’s cute, but it’s no 97%.” Also, I’ll bet some people could have used subtitles. (”Fookin’ bat trees” = “Fucking batteries”)

But then something happened. Maybe it was the great music. Maybe it was the unpredictable nature of the film. Maybe it was the non-American ending. It sure as hell wasn’t the corny playing frisbee on the beach scene. But I got hooked.

As J and I headed to the CD store to get the soundtrack, I turned to her and said worriedly, “I’m not like one of those Rent obsessed idiots, am I?” (Even though I never saw Rent, I know it sucks.)

J assured me, “No, no, the RFT said that Once is SO not Rent.”

Phew.

Aww, just look at cute little blue-eyed Tootsie Roll modeling the sock monkey-sized puppet a friend gave me:

People often mistakenly refer to sock monkeys as sock puppets. This is insulting to sock monkeys. A good explanation comes from the book Sock Monkey Dreams:

Puppets are hollow and are manufactured to serve the needs and the words of another being. They are like parasites, attaching themselves onto the hand of a host in order to spring into personal existence.

Sock monkeys, however, are complete in and of themselves - solid, three-dimensional beings with distinct personalities who do not collapse into undefined flatness because of the lack of a host.

I went to the mall with my kid and some friends who are brand new parents. I let my kid run around the enclosed play area and whenever she got out of sight my new parent friends would fret for her safety.

However, I’ve learned the mall is a much more dangerous place for sock monkey kidnappings. I set Penny down to pose her with Big Bird and some girl came up and snatched her! I called mall security and was in the process of having the girl cuffed and pressing charges, but let it drop upon hearing her reasoning for such reckless behavior (”Sock monkeys are irresistible!”) Get yer own, kid.

Here is Kyla at the Butterfly House. I knew she would like all the butterflies, but I was NOT expecting her to climb into the tarantula cage.

Dharma makes beautiful music with the harp. I knew she had it in her.

Dear Bob is a total Southern gentleman. He gives flowers and opens doors for the ladies and I’m just sweet on him. Here’s a pic of him with Dolly Parton on his Nashville road trip.

Speaking of, you must check out the sock monkey road trip. See, it’s not just me who’s totally taken with silly sock monkeys.

But what’s this? I’m hearing ugly rumors whispered that sock monkeys are getting trendy! Nooo! True, the Gap is selling subpar models, and you can buy a sock monkey making kit at Target, but it just is that sock monkeys were not meant for mainstream! Though that would work well for my friend (aka “dealer”) who makes them lovingly in her attic…

I went to the post office the other day, and asked for first class stamps. The guy behind the counter, foolishly mistaking me for some average Jane, tried to pawn off some “LOVE” stamps.

I said, “Um, those are too romantic. Do you have another kind?”

So then he had the audacity to offer me US Flag stamps!

“Those are too American,” I sneered. “Do you have anything else?”

He rummaged around and finally presented me with the Superhero stamps.

“WONDER WOMAN!” I shouted with glee. And bought them.

PS: First class stamp rates go up again 2 cents in May.

PS2: OMG Star Wars stamps coming in May as well!!! Vote for your fav design here. 47 days left to cast your vote! And you can vote daily! Of course I voted for Han Solo/Chewbacca…

Just look at Louis‘ blank stare - he can’t see a thing. But he knows how to read Braille, which is very cool, even cooler than knowing sign language.

And don’t his shorts go well with my friend’s truck? (My friend claims the truck CAME with that “splash!” detailing, but I have a sneaking suspicion he had that custom added.)

The sock monkey gang greeted him cheerfully, and little Ellen has taken it upon herself to guide him around the place. She’s his little seeing eye monkey. And she even gave him a handsome boutonniere!

OK so if you think my sock monkey collection is odd, get this: I have a friend who collects vintage refrigerators.

Well look at these beauties - can you blame him?

When someone asked him why the hell he would do such a thing, he replied in a small voice, “I just want to make sure they get a good home.”

I was down on Cherokee and saw a shop called Panorama. The chalkboard sign by the front door advertised “ANTIQUES & WHIMSIES.” I KNEW any place that sold whimsies would have sock monkeys. And sure enough, I found an old fellow the owner found at an estate sale. Oddly though, Lumpy is my least whimsical sock monkey. The truth is, he’s kindof worn out, run down, and an alcoholic. But he’s a very sweet guy, and check out that pom pom! I really don’t mind supplying him whiskey, as he is willing to share.

My dear friend J gave me these stripey socks. Now what did I do to deserve such cuteness? They’re soo soft too. I just love foot covers.