The Beautiful Kind

This weekend I had my first gin and tonic of the season.

Oh wait, I can take a cue from The Belle (see comments) and turn this into a poem:

This
weekend
I
had
my
first
gin and tonic
of the
season.

Did it work?? I am so Emily Dickinson with my drink on.

I love when The Beau is downstairs practicing his music.

When the lovely classical music floats up through the house, I pretend I am Queen and have live musicians in my court on hand to amuse me.

Now if only I had a midget and a juggler.

.

.

Dear TBK,

You freak, you. I just wanted to send you a simple message to tell you… you make my dick hard as a rock. I’m heading home and I’m gonna jack off when I get there.

I hope you’re happy - knowing that me and God knows how many other guys, while thinking of your perverted little ramblings, are jacking loads of cum onto their bellies and chests.

You, my dear, are a masturbator’s dream! Stay dirty for us… You rock, lady!

I suppose this is a good time to warn my readers that it’s about to get a lot dirtier/wild around here. I’ve got some big news to tell you. Stay tuned next week.

Do you know what I like about this Hollywood picture of Diablo Cody, screenwriter of Juno and former stripper?

HER SHOES. She’s not wearing stupid silver strappy flimsy stiletto high heels.

That’s right - if a bear or rapist chases her, she has a fighting chance. Proof she’s a former stripper - no one in their right mind who is forced to wear high heels for their job will ever wear them again. Stupid high heels.

I can’t believe they let me join their staff of writers, but Dan & Jennifer of Ask Dan & Jennifer, a sex and relationship site, have invited me to be their BDSM/kink expert. So nice to add some hot sauce to their vanilla site. You can tell they’ve been pushing the envelope lately, which is very cool, and as it should be. You should watch some of their videos - they are such a cuuute couple. Of course, I imagine them having sex the whole time they’re sitting there dishing out sex advice.

One of the fun things I’ve been working on for their site is The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM-Fetish-Kink checklist. It should be published on their site in the next week or two, and then I’ll be posting it here as well.

(walking up to the front porch of our house)

Him: Looks like we got a package.
Me: (fairly shrieking) Is it my new dildo?
Him: Could you say that just a little bit louder? I don’t think the neighbors two streets down heard you.

(It wasn’t a dildo - it was my order of marblies.)

Just a quick plug to tell you how fucking cool roller derby is. Yeah, yeah, I know, a lot of you have known this for a LONG time, but I finally took my daughter to see a match between Arch Rival Roller Girls and The Windy City Rollers.

You gotta love the names of the players - Athena De Crime, Hoosier Mama, Malice With Chains, Goldie Shocks, Strawberry Shortkick. (More awesome names here.)

Here are a couple I came up with - Frida Killer and Jean Hardblow. And they should serve a drink called The Pabst Smear.

It was THE FIRST sporting event I’ve ever attended that I enjoyed. Fast paced, exciting, feminist, a diverse crowd, and lots of costumes. I loved all the fishnets and stripy socks. And beer. It was like a female version of a tractor pull. It was almost white trash, almost ghetto (OK, mainly because they played heavy metal and rap). Fuck yeah.

Has anyone heard anything about a live action South Park being in the works? Or is that just my brilliant idea?

Here are my casting ideas so far:

Jonah Hill as Cartman

Jason Schwartzman as Kyle the Jew

Kevin Spacey as Mrs. Garrison

Forest Whitaker as The Chef

Bill O’Reilley as Mr. Hankey, cuz, you know, he’s so FULL OF SHIT

Who would be a good Wendy? Jesus? Stan?

It’s the most perfect time of year to listen to this song…preferably with a cocktail and at night…

Here are some houses around my neighborhood. Aren’t they cuuute?

Lite Brite House

Gingerbread House

Devil House

My silly aunt’s holiday letter inspired me to write my own. I feel obligated to tell you that everything in this letter is true, since this past year has been one of the oddest for me ever. Thanks for being here through it all. xoxo

Dear Friends and Family, Dec 2007

Happy Holidays! Hope this end of the year greeting finds you happy and well. It’s been quite a year for us.

Late last year TBK was fired from her job for flashing a bartender on a business trip after hours. Then in January, TBK got dumped cold by her 23 year old bi-polar lover for a bi-polar troll chick with a bull ring through her nose that she introduced him to in an attempt to expose him to the concept of “open relationship.” She never saw him again after that, though he did hack her sex blog and attempt to wipe it completely out.

Also in January, TBK sold her soul and got a job at a big corporate fuck prison, where she floundered miserably for two months until they laid her off without warning. She desperately started to look for another job in corporate hell but then thought, “Fuck, I’d rather give blow jobs than work in an office again!” And a light bulb went off in her head.

In the spirit of entrepreneurialism, on April Fools Day she posted an ad on Craigslist and plunged headfirst into life as a whore. Despite the risk of being arrested, diseases, social stigma, or meeting up with the wrong guy, prostitution suited her and she liked it just fine. She met some very nice people. Her plan was to do it for a year, or at least through the summer, but something came up and she quit the business after two months. TBK plans to write a book about her experience.

So what came up that put a stop to her thriving $300/hr business? A lonely widower contacted her on myspace. Enter The Beau.

In January, The Beau lost his beloved wife of 12 years, who finally succumbed to the brain cancer that first struck a decade earlier. She was 41. The death of a wife meant enlisting hospice, caring intensely and tenderly for her in last stage of life, having to make the heart wrenching decision to cease feeding her as she became comatose, preparing her body for cremation, signing her death certificate and notifying all officials, and hand delivering her ashes to her family in Singapore. Her remains now reside in a Buddhist monastery.

After two months of wallowing in utter and overwhelming grief, despite friends and family advising him to wait a year before dating, he went online to myspace and started searching for attractive, intelligent Atheist women. And what do you know - he picked the only sex blogging whore in the bunch!

TBK saw that he was a recent widower, which is a big red flag for anyone not interested in a relationship or hurting someone, so she decided to discourage him by telling him about her job. Even though he had never encountered anything even remotely that deviant and lurid (except on the internet), he was not deterred. Patiently, he told her he would wait for her to figure shit out.

Their first date was on May 6, on what would have been his late wife’s 42nd birthday. It didn’t take TBK long to realize that this was a really special guy, truly loyal and kind, too good for her really, and that she’d be an idiot to pass up the chance to get with someone that amazing. So she abruptly dropped out of the St. Louis sex trade scene and made the transition to monogamous relationship, an alien concept for her. They waited for her to get tested for STDs and all went well. TBK and The Beau plan to write a book about the experience - a widower/whore love story, if you will.

They spent the month of July traveling all over the country and getting to know each other. At the end of July, TBK moved in to The Beau’s house, which was still a completely preserved shrine to his late wife. Together they worked on going through all of it and boxing it up, though there are still many places in the house that hold her memory and she is very much a part of their new blended life.

The Beau is very supportive of TBK’s bisexuality and they are exploring that, as well as bondage, porn, the dynamics of dom/sub, and sexuality in general. In October they had a bondage threesome with a dear friend, and TBK inadvertently got knocked up during that encounter.

After talking it over, they came to the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. The abortion went well and TBK has recovered nicely.

She enjoys working from home for a green company and volunteering with hospice and a program that allows children with disabilities to ride horses. She tries to find time to knit, bake, and read all the good books on her shelf.

The Beau is doing what he does best - teaching music. He has also been performing around town, including improv jazz, salsa, and classical. The Beau hopes to find more time to practice, as well as to compose music.

The daughter is very much enjoying 1st grade, except for that embarrassing incident where she was caught in the bathroom putting glue on her fingers and peeling it off. We’re still monitoring her ADHD medication and figuring out creative strategies that will help her be the best she can be. Sometimes she feels like she doesn’t fit in with the other kids because “she’s a fairy and her mom is a witch.”

The three cats - Mr. Bean, Little Murray Sparkles, and Isabella - have adjusted well to the new house, and we just added three rescued rats to the family - Rufus, Honeyboy, and Mr. Tater. So far, TBK has been bitten only once.

What will 2008 and beyond hold for us? Possibilities include getting married (TBK wants to propose and they want to be married by their friend who is an ordained Atheist minister), breeding later on, starting up a kid’s band, more advanced bondage, travel, a spring recital for The Beau, writing books, and perhaps adding a third to the relationship.

Happy holidays to all! And don’t forget to keep life interesting and beautiful.

Love,
The Beautiful Kind & The Beau

Last night we went on a hot date to see a play called “A Length of Rope” at the very cold and hip Tin Ceiling.

Of COURSE we had to see it, for the title alone. But um, why was it called “A Length of Rope” anyway? It’s lost on me.

We were expecting it to suck, but the play actually kicked ass. My favorite part was the book on the desk (FETISH) and the liberal use of the words

.

CUNT
WHORE
FUCK

Oh and I liked when one of the actors almost pulled her panties off on stage by mistake. She said, “oops,” and recovered so fast from the gaffe I wanted to give her a standing panty ovation.

We played out in the snow yesterday. Awww

Last night I attended a Festivus party. About 30 atheists were there. Besides the fire juggling, card tricks, supercute ferrets and adorable kittens with diarrhea, there was also ample talk about butt plugs (a separate post to follow), fetishes, and wheelchairs.

There was also a gift exchange around the Festivus pole. The deal was to bring something you got that you didn’t want and re-gift it. My guy brought slide whistles. Other gifts were a baseball cap that read “Jesus is my homeboy,” assorted cheap and noisy plastic toys, an embroidered “WELCOME” sign, and a gas cap.

MOST unfortunately, my cock ring gift fell into the hands of the most conservative couple there. I saw them open the bag, make a fear grimace, and then they left the room. They left the party altogether 10 minutes later. I secretly hoped they would go home and curiosity would get the better of them and they would try the cock rings out and a new world of kink would open up for them, but I later found out from the party host that they stashed the cock rings in an antique candle wall sconce in the dining room.

I didn’t do my homework ahead of time, so I was caught off guard with the “Airing of Grievances” part, where you get to share what bothers you about other people and life in general.

So now here is my (still incomplete) list of grievances (the complete list looks like Gone With the Wind or War & Peace):
crocs
hummers
litterbugs
smokers
republicans
lil’ smokey sausages
kittens who poop
animal abusers
bullies
sylvia browne
my job last year
canned green beans
95% of all Italian food
politicians
diamonds
people who leave messes in stores
bibles in hotel rooms
urban sprawl
hunting
angels
precious moments figurines
DUDES
baseball caps
Thomas Kinkade painter of light crap
airlines
linoleum
white cabinet knobs
country decor (rustic is OK)
people who feel compelled to display “welcome” signs or mats
ugly cliff huxtable-like sweaters
the color yellow on white people
orange, brown, or bright red lipstick
anything mainstream
people who drink red bull
people who wear clothing that advertises a brand
leopard print
camoflauge and how i never spell it right EVERY TIME
reader’s digest
people who ask you how much you make but then won’t tell you what they make
women who don’t want to say how old they are
those pre-packaged foods like juice boxes and go-gurt
striped polo shirts
anne rice books
men with ponytails
Celine Dion
meat eaters
people who don’t recycle
faith healers
manicures
clowns
balloons
heavy metal music
television
guitar hero
video games
weapons
wimps
the left behind series
the fact that gelatin is in EVERYTHING
embalming and big, silk-lined mahogany caskets
loafers with tassels
fanny packs
clip on cell phones
green peppers on pizza
homophobia
pro-life people
people into dogfighting
marley & me
Dr. Phil
hypocrisy
chicken soup for the soul
sexual repression
montel williams
commercialism
sexism racism
stupid people
lack of healthcare in this country
social injustice
immaturity in people over 25
whiners (but bitchers are ok)
people who talk on their cell phone in stores or restaurants
cruises and resorts that involve pina coladas
America’s love/hate relationship with breasts - what’s so horrible about a woman’s nipples?!
high fructose corn syrup
pleated slacks
tramp stamps
RENT the musical
Free Hugs
twitter
scientologists, mormons, jesus followers, and other cult members
sheep (the people kind)
bad spellers
people who confuse your vs you’re
perfume counters at the mall
leather couches
fur or leather coats
jean jackets
capital punishment
white wicker furniture
tearing down old buildings
McMansions
lake of the ozarks
wal-mart
95% of all moustaches
high heels
boob jobs
beauty pageants
people who think pot and prostitution should be illegal
applebee’s
beer pong
talk radio
prairie home companion
parents who name their kids tyler, madison, keegan and ashley
hawaiian shirts
oil spills and what we’re doing to the oceans and forests
bush meat trade
war
jodie foster only now coming out
when the country gets obsessed with the death of anna nicole smith or something
the pope
tori amos
highway construction
Danielle Steel
people who don’t floss
rodeos
horse dog or car racing
golf
all sports

Thank you for your readership.

We now return you to the regularly scheduled program of fetishes, kink, indecency and my own special way of expressing my perverted streak.

Next up: play piercing, gay hanky codes, fisting his wife, psycho men, and much, much MORE.

From a Christian group:

DO NOT SUPPORT THE GOLDEN COMPASS

THE GOLDEN COMPASS, a new movie targeted at children, will be released December 7, 2007. This movie is based on a the first book of a trilogy by atheist Philip Pullman. In the final book a boy and girl kill God so they can do as they please. Pullman left little doubt about his intentions when he said in a 2003 interview that “My books are about killing God.”

The movie is a watered down version of the first book and is designed to be very attractive in the hope unsuspecting parents will take their children to see the the movie and that the children will want the books for Christmas.

The movie has a well known cast, including Nicole Kidman, Kevin Bacon, and Sam Elliott. It will probably be advertised extensively, so it is crucial that we get the word out to warn people to avoid this movie.

All I have to say (well, besides the obvious) is Sam Elliott is fucking hot. Now that’s a moustache I’d like to ride.

Oh god, they’re back.

Candy cane sandwich cookies at Trader Joe’s.

Last year they kept running out of them, so this year they prepared for the cookie addict onslaught with huge displays.  You have to buy at least two boxes at time, cuz the first box goes so fast.

Especially in my house. Here is how I eat them:

1. I take four and nibble on them for as long as I can make them last.

Here is how my guy eats them (this is also how I imagine Santa Claus eats them):

1. He takes half a box and dumps it into a mixing bowl.

2. He fills the bowl with rice milk.

3. He lets it sit for a couple minutes.

4. He eats the cookie soup with a spoon.

I have a fit every time he pulls this caveman move.

When my boss told me he was about to meet via teleconference with a couple of Dutch dudes, I sent him this video and told him to watch it immediately following his meeting with Jan and Hans. I swear I can’t stop watching this thing. He couldn’t, either, and now he keeps babbling about “farting in the duck.”

The German language can be so much fun. If a person is speaking German, they sound pissed off even if they aren’t. An old woman can be smiling and speaking German to you, and it sounds like, “Fuck you and the fucking Rottweiler cur you rode in on.” And my god if they’re shouting in German, well, that’s the best way to shout. Do you think Hitler could have been so heinous had he been French or Spanish? I think not.

One of the best German films I’ve seen lately was Aimee & Jaguar (alternate title: Dykes & The Nazis Who Hate Them). The movie tells the story of a blonde! woman who falls in love with a Jewish woman. The BEST part of the movie is when the lesbians throw a scandalous little soiree and the blonde woman’s Nazi soldier husband comes home and finds her in bed with a hot Jewish woman. HAHAHAHAHA classic. Of course, you can imagine how the movie ends. I’ll give you a clue - it starts with a tra and ends with a gic.

I have two favorite German words. I’ve known about the word schadenfreude for a long time - taking pleasure in another person’s suffering. An example of this is when Dick Cheney shot that guy while quail hunting. Or when Anna Nicole Smith died - the whole country was masturbating furiously throughout that whole fiasco.

My new favorite German word is funktionslust - the pleasure and satisfaction one derives from doing what one is good at. You know, like blow jobs. What gives you funktionslust?

(Meanwhile, I STILL haven’t seen my Hitler movie…)