The Beautiful Kind

Next week Beau will be back in town from his big boy road trip (they are in Las Vegas now) and then it will be his 40th birthday.

What, dear readers, should we do to celebrate this monumental occasion? Say Thursday night, or the weekend. (Next Sunday he is getting his big arm tattoo finished, yay!)

He has already
- sky dived
- bungee jumped
- had threesomes galore

B-Diddle has suggested ordering a few more women and filming a lesbian orgy, but I think we might need to come up with something a little kid-friendlier. Maybe camping, zoo, a concert, a day trip?

So far, Beau is leaning towards Dave & Buster’s, which I will do because I love him and it’s his birthday, but I sure hope we can come up with something better than that. Oh god just thinking about that option makes me break out in a pretentious sweat.

- she’s a goddess
- she’s a former prostitute and embraces the word “whore”
- she’s bisexual
- she puts on fem-positive shows, complete with a “Public Cervix Announcement,” which includes a speculum and a flashlight so the audience can view her cervix
- she’s running the Love Art Lab, where she and her partner act on their motto: “Eroticise everything.” Like, even cancer.
- she created a documentary on orgasm
- In her own words: “The secret of sacred slutism is being consciously aware of our slutty side, our animal side, nurturing that side of us, the wildwoman, the inner whore in all of us.” This applies to both men and women, by the way.
- she created a documentary on her porn career. Called Herstory, here’s the description: “Marvel at rare hippie porn, early fetish films, feminist porn, art porn, couples erotica, transsexual docu-porn, and more…”
- an amputee fucked her with his stump
- she has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality
- one of her films is titled My Father is Coming

Annie says: “The thing about sex is, it’s enormous, it’s so humongous, it’s not simple.”

Have you heard about how Europeans eat pie backwards? The crust is nearest to them as they eat it, saving the tip for last. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I like the idea of doing something differently, taking something you were taught and putting your own spin on it.

A quirky professor walked by me the other day eating a banana upside down. I said, “Why are you eating that banana upside down?”

He said, “If you peel it upside down, you don’t have to deal with all the strings in the peel. Plus you can use the stem as a handle.”

So how about that? I mentioned a banana on a sex blog and didn’t talk about fucking it! What do you do differently? Me, I use butt plugs in my vagina. Just kidding.

Me = super excited. Why? One of my sheroes is coming to town! Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women will be discussing and signing her new book about open relationships! Her sites are
www.puckerup.com
www.openingup.net

June 19, 7:00 pm
Bestselling author and Village Voice columnist Tristan Taormino will read from her new book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and share what she learned from all the people she interviewed in open relationships around the country. Plus, she’ll take questions and facilitate a discussion on the benefits and challenges of venturing beyond monogamy.
Location: Left Bank Books, 399 North Euclid @ McPherson (in the Central West End), St. Louis, MO 63108
Admission: Free
Info: 314-367-6731

Music to my ears…

when i see your face it is a sweet lullabye

like a shimmer of a moonbeam

i hear a bell in my head

then the beautiful tremble flows through my werewolf body…

and like water in a river

my blood flows burgundy red through my head…

While in China I got to try a few different tropical fruits for the first time.

1. Red pitaya, or dragon fruit. I called this one “dragon fruit” before I even knew that was its nickname. It looks like something out of Harry Potter - all big and red and green and ruffly, and then inside it’s white with tiny black seeds you can eat. So sweet and subtle.

2. Durian, or King of Fruits. This bad fucker can weigh up to 7 lbs. If you walk by them in the market, you can smell their funk. They STINK. People either love ‘em or hate ‘em. I decided to find out where I stood, so I bought a slice and took it back to the room. The bag STANK. God what does it smell like? Hard to describe. Decaying flesh? Putrid garbage? An ogre’s armpit? The smell is so hardcore the fruit is banned in some public places. Its flesh is light yellow and has a custard-like consistency. And it’s sweet and good! As I ate it I didn’t even notice the bad smell. I liked it just fine. Wonder if I smelled like it later.

3. Mangosteen, or Queen of Fruits. This little plum-like gem = goddess food, ambrosia, heavenly. Doesn’t it look like a baby monkey brain? The flesh inside is glistening white and SO sweet and citrusy and peachy. I ate six in a row. My favorite fruit used to be the starfruit. Now it’s this one. I want to have a lesbian love affair with it. Omigod I’m getting all fruity wet just thinking about it. I think they are really hard to come by in the states. Wah!

A cool thing I noticed while I was in China was that there were a lot of awesome colorful shoes. I’d see a guy wearing a grey shirt and slacks and a pair of orange and red shoes. Or a woman would be wearing pink and white, and then blue/purple shoes. All this time I’ve seen bright funky shoes in stores and thought, “Those are cool, but what would they go with?” Oh, I see now: they don’t have to!! Brilliant.

The one bad shoe observation to report: there are Crocs in China.

Check out this beautiful shot, how her filmy dress clings to her figure:

Look at these great legs!

So fun.

I liked squatting to go to the bathroom. It felt so raunchy. It definitely makes more sense than sitting down to go to the bathroom. It’s just like how we do baby birthing in America - we lie the woman on her back instead of letting her squat.

I had to bring my own toilet paper everywhere, so I’m not sure if that’s what everyone does, or if the locals don’t use it. I never got around to asking.

In old Beijing, most of the homes don’t have their own toilet, so they use public toilets, which have no stalls with doors, just half walls between the toilets. I got down with the old Chinese ladies once and squatted with them, but man was that a gross scene.

I also wanted to know more about the fact that Chinese babies don’t wear diapers. They have split pants instead, so you get to see lots of cute baby ass. Does that mean parents get pissed on a lot? How soon do the kids get potty trained? I saw one leave a poo in the street and his mom cleaned it up with a newspaper.

I have this travel mug and it tips over ALL the time and spills and makes a mess.

Finally one day Belle came home and shoved a bag at me. “Here, I thought you needed this.”

I opened it up. She got me a sippy cup.

I’ve found it makes a great cocktail shaker. I like drinking whiskey out of it.

We all have people in our lives who are catalysts for change within ourselves. “Five Things” is an expression of things learned and remembered, of intense relationships with others. It is a proud statement that humans can find connectivity and meaning among fellow humans.

Five things:
1. You taught me that life is much more fulfilling if you spend it learning.
2. You taught me to question the nature of reality and see beyond what was right in front of me.
3. Before you, I was afraid to explore the inner workings of my own mind.
4. Before you, I never wondered what the stars looked like from the other side of the galaxy.
5. You made me realize that I am beautiful.

Art: Without you, I would not be where I am today. You are my catalyst. Thank you.

These are five things I have learned from a single individual. What are your five things? E-mail love@thebeautifulkind.com

-Belle

Dear Belle,

We miss you! I hope you are having fun with the blog and B-Diddle. Please tell all our sex toys hi for us, especially Biggie. In fact, why don’t you take him out for a playdate/photo shoot?

Some quick observations about China:

- the pollution is as bad as they say it is, at least in Shanghai.
- the people are small but the underwear on the clotheslines = really big.
- there are lots of hump-backed midgets here.
- nude pantyhose is popular with the ladies.
- there are lots of hip young dudes with 80’s hair.
- we are doing our best to have kinky sex here without you. I have a few good stories to share when we return. They involve things like the tour bus, a plate glass window, and a surprise wake-up call.

Love,
The Beautiful Kind xoxo

It has very little do to with sex though.

Here’s a few reasons why:

1. I drive a Trans Am and a motorcycle
2. I repair my vehicles
3. I fix the plumbing, install light fixtures, and know how to weld
4. I have superior visual-spatial skills
5. I wear men’s clothing (wife beaters, boxers, tightie whities, and jeans)
6. If you’re having a problem, I don’t know how to listen – I just want to fix it.
7. I am far more likely to be logical than emotional
8. I play X-box (much to Beautiful’s chagrin)

-Belle

I did not have my first bisexual experience until a few months ago, at age 25. Sure, I’ve hugged and kissed girls playfully, I’ve had bi girls crush on me, and I’ve groped more than a few breasts in my life.

At first, I felt a little weird about this. I wasn’t particularly attracted to women as a child or young adult. I had a crush on another girl in high school – she was creative and intelligent, the girl who got all of the lead roles in school plays – but she was the only one, ever. Nothing ever came of that aside from sleepovers in the same bed.

Women have often been my competitors. They competed with me for best friend status, they tried to steal my boyfriends by giving them road head, they complained when I didn’t spend enough time with them. A few years ago a friend of mine and I roomed together, and we would get into territorial spats over things like whose coffee table belonged in the living room. To be perfectly honest, I don’t get along with women. When Beautiful came along, I could count all of my female friends on less than one hand – even when I added my femmy-lesbian-ex-boyfriend.

So when Beautiful came along and I became a lovesick little pup, I wondered: am I really bi? Why did I not develop an attraction to women until well after all of my neurons completed development?

I was happy to read in the book The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton that 50% of women have their first bisexual experience after age 25. Looks like I am right on schedule. Whew.

-Belle

That’s right, fellow readers: The Belle Kind will entertain you here for the next two weeks while Beautiful is off hanging out with millions of cute Asians.

For my first trick, I will share with you my new favorite word:

callipygian

It means “Having a well-shaped buttocks” as in, “The calliphygian young librarian stretched to re-shelve a book on the highest shelf”. Use it fearlessly to express your appreciation for human anatomy.

-Belle

So I’m going to be in China for two weeks. How the fuck this happened is as good as anyone’s guess. I can’t wait to be a goddess over there - I hear they’ll dig my long blond hair. (Guess I’ll shave it when I get back? I haven’t decided.)

You mustn’t fear, dear readers, I have posts lined up (I’m going sans laptop !!!), and I have our beloved BELLE as my backup - she’s going to guest post while I’m away!

Not only that, but Bossman Beau will have my beloved B-Diddle guest posting for him over on the flipside. (Can you believe he hasn’t posted since April 24? SHAMEFUL!) We’ll let you vote on whether we should keep them on when we get back, or if we should get kicked off the site (blog coup!) and rename it The Belle B-Diddle Kind…

Someone asked me if we’ll get a pic of Biggie on the Great Wall of China, but we’ve decided not to take him. We have to pack light.

I will return in all my glory June 1. And then Beau and Belle are getting tattooed! (Not matching, for fuck’s sake.)

Stay tuned for posts on Pussy Gardens, the sexiest drum ever, Crib Play, a sex addict who puts me to shame, and love, baby. Love.

xoxo

It’s been months since I posted my superhero lust review, and people keep telling me I need to see that movie with Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in it.

I think this is a secret message. I think what they are really telling me is that I need to FUCK HIM ALREADY.

(Just to be clear, fisting is off the table.)

Speaking of, if you could have any superpower, what would it be? My friend came up with the best one I’ve heard yet: the ability to sterilize people by pointing at them.

Man o man, check out this file someone sent me, along with this message:

“Ever considered narration…you know….for The Blind Kind…”

mov00752.MPG

(audio excerpt of the Cuddle Swinging post - SO WEIRD to hear a creepy manvoice in place of my own - what a mindfuck!)

Check out this sign someone spotted and sent my way. Nice!

Pre-dawn, and I had just woken from an intensely sexy dream. I was lying there basking in the pleasure, feeling it in my core, when the candles on my dresser started tinkling mysteriously. They shuddered harder and harder, and then everything started shaking. My first thought was that holy shit, my dream was coming to GET ME, and my next thought was “earthquake.”

I woke sleeping Belle next to me and she sat bolt upright. Church bells peeled in the distance. As the world vibrated, the spring fevered birds kept singing outside our window.

Belle uttered, “Cooool,” and as the shaking subsided, she collapsed on top of me and held me, reigning in my pounding heart. I inhaled her night sweat. The candles tinkled a little longer after it stopped shaking, sounding like little soldiers marching off. We drifted back to sleep.

…

When I got up this morning I saw that only ONE of my Pez dispensers had fallen. It was Miss Piggy who took the plunge.

What about you? Did you feel it?

This weekend I had my first gin and tonic of the season.

Oh wait, I can take a cue from The Belle (see comments) and turn this into a poem:

This
weekend
I
had
my
first
gin and tonic
of the
season.

Did it work?? I am so Emily Dickinson with my drink on.