The Beautiful Kind

Dear Slut,
Why is that women have a thing for Santa? There’s an episode of “Friends” where Monica wanted Chandler to wear a Santa costume in bed, and also there’s the movie “Bad Santa” where a girl bartender had a huge crush on the Bad Santa.
Curious Elf

Dear Elf,
When I first received this question, I thought what the hell is he talking about? I don’t know of any women who have a Santa fetish (I did meet someone at a party the other night who has a Buddhist monk fetish and I really really hope she drops me a line so I can explore that more with her and write a post about it. Also I was extremely attracted to her).

Anyway, back to Santa. I started poking around online and came across this post from Flirty Kitty. An excerpt:

I was thinking she could go to the mall in a very short skirt, a see through black top with a black bra beneath, opaque tights and sexy shoes. She could plant herself in a strategic position across from Santa outside the Winter Wonderland. Hopefully, he would notice her next to the cute woodland creatures, become overcome with desire, and discard the small child in his lap to pull her into the Santa Village.

Yes Elf, you can’t get much more fantasy than Santa. He fulfills the daddy role, the beard, the presents, he’s obviously a nice guy who’s a giver. He also breaks into your house which is totally appealing for women who are into mysterious strangers having their way with them - you know, Christmas rape. And speaking of taboo, that’s another appealing thing about it - being with someone who is good and innocent, like all the priest and nun fantasies. AND he’s a cult celebrity.

In other news, there an article was just posted about a woman who groped Santa.

“The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” Michael said.

“I don’t know what the deal was. It was just bizarre,” the mall Santa told a reporter.

Obviously he doesn’t read The Beautiful Kind.

And hey, it looks like Santa has some fetishes of his own…

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? I am. Drop me a line at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
The other day one of my co-workers and I were discussing sex toys (we obviously haven’t had to watch any sensitivity training videos yet) and she asked naively, “What is the big deal with glass dildos?”

I’m by no means the world’s expert on such devices, but thanks to TBK, I feel adequately educated on such matters. I proceeded to explain that they can be chilled or heated to satisfy the desires of the user, AND they’re dishwasher safe! Why WOULDN’T a woman want one?

She further asked if those were the only advantages, and I knew that she should ask someone with more knowledge on the subject. I showed her your web site and suggested she send the question to TBK, the expert. I explained she would get a great answer and may even get to see a picture of a useful glassware assortment. My coworker was nervous to send her question, however, so I offered to ask on her behalf. In your opinion, what are the advantages and disadvantages to glass dildos or other glass devices for masturbation?
- Glass Messenger

Dear Glass,
Oh my dear, you’ve brought up a topic that is near and dear to my heart (er, cunt) and I am absolutely delighted to fill you in. This is one of those instances where I wish I wrote poetry in order to properly pay tribute to beautiful glass sex toys. Alas, my humble and simple words will have to do. As part of my research in answering this question, I lovingly assembled my own perfect 10 for a group photo (it’s my new desktop pic):

It’s hard to tell in these pics, but some have flowers embedded in their bowled end, or a butterfly etching, or subtle swirls of color and all the mystery and allure of a crystal ball.

Glass dildos can easily cost $329, but don’t let that freak you out. You can get perfectly good ones for $30 if you shop around (I pointed out a good store on my sex toy box post, but here it is again, along with a few other good shops - Glass Fantasy, Spicy Gear, XXX Glass, Blowfish.) I swear browsing these sites make me DROOL, they are so breathtakingly gorgeous.

And holding one in your hand is like holding a magician’s staff - the heft and smooth coolness is so impressive. And you know how a hard man is good to find? Well, you can’t get any harder than these beauties. And the ridges, bumps, contours on them are pronounced enough that even pussies who can’t read braille will appreciate. Of course, they aren’t much use for women who don’t like penetration. They should just stick to vibrators.

Blowfish has a nice page on caring for your lifelong friend (they don’t degrade like rubber toys):

You want to be extra-careful with glass toys, especially when they’re all lubed up — the smoothness and slickness is part of the point, but these suckers are slippery, and they’re triple-slippery when they’re wet. So keep them well away from hard surfaces — if you’re going to have that passionate scene in the back alley behind your apartment or on the cement floor of your office warehouse, use a different dildo. With glass toys, stick to the bed, or at least a well-carpeted floor. And when you’re storing your glass dildo, it’s a very good idea to wrap it in a soft cloth or bag, to avoid bumps and bruises in the bedside drawer.

I use socks for the ones that didn’t come with a padded pouch. SIGH, now I want to call in sick and stay in bed and shove glass in my pussy all day.

Want me to stick it to you? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Do you think that there’s a connection between sex and artistic expression? Both are closely tied to the idea of creation, so would the connection be strictly categorical? Or could the hormones released during arousal give the brain a little boost? As a lover of the arts and sex, I imagine you have thought about this and I’m really curious about your thoughts on the subject. Thanks,
- Mr. Always in Need of a Muse

Dear Always,
I definitely think creative people are better in bed - artists, musicians and so on. Who would you rather sleep with - a composer/cello player, or a tax accountant? Yeah, it’s a no brainer. But it really gets interesting when you throw crazy into the mix. Both crazy and artistic people tend to be passionate.

Sex with the mentally ill or artistic types is usually great, but the trouble with mentally ill people is that they’re only fun about half the time. During their down moments you have to deal with medication and locked units. With artists, you get to fill in the blanks with good art and stimulating social events like concerts and art openings. Of course there are plenty of artists who are crazy - think Van Gogh and Sylvia Plath.

An interesting study from a couple years ago had this to say:

A survey conducted by psychologists from Newcastle University and the Open University suggests that creative people share several key traits with schizophrenia sufferers. The most sensationalist outcome of the study is evidence that artistic people are twice as sexually active as the norm.

However, the study makes the serious point that the inclusion of schizophrenia traits within the artistic personality, and the corresponding genetic pattern, may explain why the full-blown disease persists despite the evolutionary argument that schizophrenia’s negative impact on relationships and reproduction would eliminate the disease from the gene pool.

Ah, so THIS is why my poet mother who shaves her eyebrows and shoplifts kittens had five kids.

Bottom line: You know you’re in a good relationship when your partner inspires you to accomplish great things. And you’re getting lots of oral sex.

Inspired? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I’ve tasted almost every girl I’ve been with. I love eating them, knowing that I’m giving them pleasure. Hell, sometimes I get so turned on about it that I almost finish myself while tonguing them.

Of course, my last girlfriend was no exception - I went down on her the first night we met. She was bold down there, just the way I like it. She was already wet, but something strange occured to me - her juices were very, very salty. That was a huge turn-off for me, but I finished her anyway.

My question is, what should a guy do when his lady’s liquids aren’t tasting very good? I tried spitting on her cunt and it kinda worked, but by the look on her face I could tell it was gross for her.
- The spitting camel who wants a low-sodium diet

Dear Lo-So,
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall watching that quick fix!

How hot of you to get off on eating pussy so much. Gold star for you. And you finished Ms. Salty up despite being turned off. Military Medal for you. Truth is, I would hate for someone to suffer through oral with me and would rather them speak up so I can rectify the situation and make it good for both of us.

Now should you say, “Your pussy is so rank it’s making my eyes water, go boil it” ? Or even “You smell down there, go take care of it” ? Of course not, but you could speak up in a gentle, less threatening way (I realize it’s harder to be frank with someone you don’t know well.) You could say something like, “You taste a bit soapy from the last time you washed, would you mind rinsing off a bit?”

She might be taken aback but will probably go take care of it (if she gets all offended and the night is ruined, well she’s hypersensitive and needs to chill out, sorry my advice spoiled your evening.) When she gets back be sure and give her lots of positive attention, start over, kiss her, work your way back to the apex of her legs and make sure she knows how much you love being there.

I’ll bet Ms. Salty wasn’t quite expecting to get to Third Base with you since it was your first date, so she might not have been prepared. If I think there’s a good chance someone is going to be messing with my pussy, I rinse off first, cuz I get funky just from sitting around all day. It’s good to take a preventative approach. (Just out of curiosity I wonder if you ate her again after that and how that went.)

And a shout out to all the folks out there who ate me when I was not-so-fresh and suffered through it - you get a Military Medal too. And now you know it’s OK to speak up next time!

PS: The site I snagged the photo from is a real trip. Start at the bottom and work your way up.

Send your salty questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Cunt, (fine, that works too)
Is the Hare Krishna teaching below meant to condone oral sex with young boys? Also please, does believing in God elevate pederasty to a holy act? As a religious fanatic and sexologist, I thought that you might share your insight into this matter and I have a flower garland.

Let the poets continue to rave about poetry, and let the Vedic scholars incessantly praise the nectar derived from brahman realization. I myself will take shelter of a beautiful youth who is decorated with a garland made of wildflowers, holding a flute to His blossoming lips.
Isvara Puri
Padyavali 35.36

For more wisdom on the science of Krishna consciousness, visit the Teachings section at krishna.com/teachings.

Finally please indicate whether you masturbate contemporaneously while working on the column and if this query puts you into a state of erotic religious fervor.
-Seeking your wisdom

Dear Smart Ass,
While I think you might be reading a bit too much into this quote, you do make a valid point: All religion is whack, not just Christianity. Anyway, you can take that same quote and wonder if it refers to bestiality and sucking a bull’s penis - i.e., when they say “brahman,” do they mean a member of the highest class of Hindus, or are they talking about a grayish, heat-resistant breed of Indian cattle?

Believing in God makes pederasty and other grave missteps easier because instead of tuning into your own internal moral compass to get a sense of what is right or wrong, you just do what you want and then pray for forgiveness or somehow justify it by interpreting the teaching spoonfed to you the way you want.

I only masturbate to the good letters.

PS: If you’d like to further explore the whole Krishna boy-love idea, check out the first Hare Krishna Boy Scout Troop and how one of their members made it to the top. Note how the left-handed handshake photo has been removed from the page…hmmm?

PS2: Send queries or screeds of worship to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Continued from previous post…

Dear Wordy Thoughtful Man,
Let’s start with my post from a few months ago, How To Eat My Pussy, even though, unfortunately, you are not inquiring about how to eat MY pussy, but rather that tricky vixen of yours.

I would say there are three main ways to get a woman off with your tongue on her clit (techniques like spelling out the Ten Commandments are too gimicky):

1. light fast licking like a cat lapping up milk from a bowl (my personal fav)
2. hardcore licking with your mouth mashed up against the cunt
3. sucking on the clit

I’m guessing you might want to try out #2, given her masturbation techniques (she gets props for being precocious). I think you’d want to rub your tongue up and down on her sweet spot as opposed to side to side or circles.

As you experiment, give each technique enough time to sink in before switching to the next pleasure test. Would you be opposed to letting her hump your nose? Can you replicate the position she assumes when she’s masturbating? For instance, it’s easiest for me to cum when I’m lying down and my legs are straight and tense, though I can get off sitting on a friendly face or standing up, it just takes longer. If she trusts you enough, blindfold her - taking one of the senses away can heighten the others and make her more in tune with what you’re doing down there.

Whenever it does seem like you’ve hit your groove be patient (we’re talking 10-20 minutes, not 2) and consistent, using the same pressure as you ride the wave out. And one last hint: DON’T do an image search for the word “tongue.” It’s enough to kill your sex drive for a week.

Good luck to you and the lucky lass!

You know the drill. Send your questions (you all are so oral!) to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I have had enough partners in life to become proficient with most aspects of fucking and while I’ve never regarded myself as anything great, I have had a good number of return customers and it is rare that anyone goes home with just a single in their bag.

I have always enjoyed giving head and can generally get most girls to grab my hair and pull me up telling me they want to cum with a cock in them next, which to me is a sign of a job well done.

However, I have a new young lass gracing me with her presence who is by far the greatest shag I have had bar none. I am, however, a lost man. I seem to be missing the point when it comes to munching on her and giving her a “First Rate Cunt Lapping“.

We are open enough that we have discussed it and she has told me that she has been masturbating since the age of five (having a medical background I am familiar with other cases of this, it worries parents to no end) and learnt to do it by rubbing against her blanket rather than playing with fingers. This is also her current technique.

Girls that play with fingers are all I have really had so far, so my skill set is based upon a different type of stimulation. Just wondering if you have any suggestions on technique changes that could be made so that I can blow her mind, or at least impress her with my efforts.

Some background info: She said that when I started the first time what I was doing was bloody awesome but that I “lost it” with a technique change. Annoyingly I could feel the change in her reaction but could not remember what it was i was doing to try it again (she had woken me up to sit on my face). So somewhere in my subconscious lies the answer - just thought you may have a key that may unlock an idea.

I am not one to be clinical about sex, my passion has been the one greatest thing that i have, it is something regularly commented on how passionately that I go about it. I am just enjoying myself and really get off when the body under me is trying to tear strips off my back. So maybe just an understanding of the mechanics of a rub-er and not a finger-er is what i am having trouble understanding (being without a clit of my own to experiment on).

Wow I have been accused of being verbose before, but I think I may have just taken the prize on this email.
- Chatty Bloke

Dear Wordy Thoughtful Man,
Unfortunately you have exceeded the word limit for a post, so I will reply to this tomorrow. In the meantime, does anyone want to toss out any of their own pussy eating best practices? What’s your idea of a “First Rate Cunt Lapping”?

Dear Slut,
Which superhero would you like to do you?
- From One Of Your Geekiest Fans

Dear Geek,
Oooh I had soo much fun calling my horror movie/comic book expert friend and pumping him for info for this post! I’m just going to go with male superheros, so that leaves Wonder Woman out (don’t worry, she’ll get a post of her own later.)

Green Arrow - It would be fun to teach this environmentalist, social justice, womanizing, renegade, billionaire superdude a thing or two, but he’s blonde and I can’t do blonde guys. Even if they wear tights.

Green Lantern - A hero who upholds the law, patrols the universe, and possesses a ring with power that is based on his will and imagination - yawn. Come on, a RING?! He’s like a comic book GROOM.

Batman - Nah, even though he has a good costume, is bisexual (he’s totally doing Robin AND that butler), is loaded and has a cave.

Captain America - No, too…American.

Superman - Again, too red white and blue, though it is cool that he wears tights. More men should wear tights.

Spiderman - You know, this post just made me remember that when I was a kid I used to make out with this Spiderman bust piggy bank we had lying around the basement. Can you say desperate and horny at age 8? So no, Spiderman is too 1982 for me.

Mr. Fantastic from Fantastic Four - He can stretch any body part, which has intriguing possibilities, but can you imagine this guy fisting you?!

Incredible Hulk - How does it go, the hornier he gets, the stronger he gets? The clothes ripping action is pretty hot, and I don’t mind green one bit, but I’ve dated too many men who had this Jeckyll/Hyde thing going on, so I’ll pass.

The Flash - The fastest man alive, does that mean he cums really fast or can fuck really fast or lick the clit really fast? Better not risk it, I’ll just have him eat me.

Wolverine - A mutant, crazy animalistic badass who has the ability to heal from any wound quickly - I guess that means I don’t have to worry about giving him STDs (though he might give me rabies). I should probably stay away from him when I’m on the rag - he seems rather bloodthirsty.

So yes, claws down, I pick Wolverine. Wouldn’t we look hot together? Plus if he tied me up he could release me from my bonds quickly with those sharpies of his. And I’ll work on getting him a better costume - yellow and blue? I don’t think so. He needs black and red, or something brown with texture.

Send your serious or not-so-serious queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I’ve been dating a new guy. After a few dates we ended up tumbling in bed. I’m not into having sex early in relationships, though I am into doing just about anything else early in a relationship. I let him know that I wasn’t going to go all the way with him right away.

He went down on me, I came, then I went down on him - something I really like to do to a guy. He was centimeters from coming; it was apparent, then he stopped me. WHY would a guy stop a girl blowing him at a critical point like this? I don’t get it.

Also, after he stopped me, I suggested we mutually masturbate and he wasn’t into it. Is he just square? I need to know now, before I do decide to have sex with him because I need a guy who’s open sexually and I’m worried that he isn’t.
Just Cum Already

Dear Frustrated,
First of all, let’s give him “ladies first” points and acknowledge that he was down with going down on you. That’s a biggie. Did you talk about sex ahead of time? I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t sure if he could cum in your mouth, and then when you suggested mutual masturbation, he was off his game and that might have even caught him off guard. Surprisingly, a lot of men have a hard time masturbating in front of someone, and it’s something they need to work through.

The first time I did the orgasm thing with my guy, I had mine and then casually asked if he wanted to get off, too. He said no, which I thought was weird. We talked about it later and it turns out my directness freaked him out, as well as the thought of jacking off in front of me - it was all new to him. That was five months ago. Now look at us - I have to wear protective goggles to bed for godsake.

I’m thinking your guy sounds considerate and hasn’t had the chance to get freaky, but lucky him, he met you. So have a nice talk over cocktails and find out what he likes, what he’s done, what was on his mind the other day, and give it another go. I think he has potential, but take it slow when introducing him to the good stuff and keep the lines of communication open. If he has trouble talking about sex, that’s a sign that he’s square and needs to be put out to the vanilla pasture. God I’m so proud of myself - I gave the dude the benefit of the doubt. Do report back with an update!

Send your down-n-dirty questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Would you rather a) have sex with someone you felt a positive personal connection with, even though you knew the person wouldn’t be very good at it, and hence the experience wouldn’t be that pleasurable? Or b) have sex with someone who was really good at it, even if you didn’t feel a positive personal connection with them?

(Some might say that the questions are making false presuppositions — that you’d automatically get pleasure from someone you felt close to, and that you couldn’t from someone you didn’t. But I don’t think so — we can imagine that the person you feel close to has a barbed penis - ouch! - and I’m pretty sure that you have an active enough imagination that you could fantasize your way into enjoying sex with the person you didn’t feel close to.)
- The Philosopher

Dear P,
OK, first of all I keep picturing a barbed penis. Thanks a lot. Besides that, I have about a million thoughts bouncing around my head, but will try to narrow it down to two points:

1. Naturally I’ve tried both scenarios you’ve described, and I’m going to have to go with option B. Once I was swinging with this couple, and I was not into the dude at all - bad tattoos, a sport-o, average cock, not smart. He wasn’t eloquent with his tongue, but omigosh he was good at pussy licking. His wife suggested, “Take her to The Chair, honey,” so he carried me over to this generic easy chair in their living room, sat down in it and plopped me on top of him. I rode him hard, and I’m not sure what it was about The Chair or the dude, but it was amazing, and I simultaneously orgasmed with this guy I wasn’t even attracted to. Who knew?

2. As for option A, why waste my time? Having sex with someone I lack that “spark” with really does feel like “bumping uglies.” Why not just stick to non-sack activities like discussing a book, cooking together, or going to the garden with the person I connect so well with on non-sexual levels? UNLESS I’m doing them a favor and trying to teach them a thing or two. I’ve helped many an inexperienced young stud explore how to pleasure a woman or indulge in uncommon positions or rougher-than-vanilla sex. This type of charity work warms my slutty little heart.

Send your pervy questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Since it’s summer and the city’s been in heatwave mode, any thoughts on tanlines? Me, I think I like them.
- Into 2-Tone

Dear Linespotter,
When you say tanlines, you mean this:

and not this:

right? OK, got it. First of all, you’ll be glad to know I scored the top pic from a blog featuring tanlines, so you can go check it out.

I can’t say I’m a big fan of tanlines. I avoid the sun and slather on sunscreen. I can’t understand why some women glue themselves to a poolside chair every summer, and I sure as hell don’t understand why someone would pay money to bake in a tanning bed. I know a lot of women tan in order to disguise blemishes, so to me a dark tan is like wearing too much makeup - makes the person look insecure. I prefer people’s natural skin color, and as you can tell from my sometimes Casper-like panty shots, I like for my skin to be uniform.

That said, I found this definition of “cleavite” on the Hot Chicks With Douchebags website to be charming:

Cleavite is not cleavage, and the two shall never be confused. Cleavite is the area of a woman’s cleavage that is paler than the rest due to less exposure to the sun. It is all that is holy and good in the universe. It tempts us with what is forbidden yet is being subtly and coyly revealed. It promises us wonders and worlds of exploration hidden behind that thin layer of fabric.

Yep, tanlines highlight the naughty bits. Now go ahead and imagine yourself rubbing sunscreen on the shoulders and back of that woman you saw wearing a bikini top yesterday at the Farmer’s Market. Yummy.

Dear Slut,
My question is about the adult “dating” sites. I see your site now has profiles on the right side of the page from AdultFriendFinder. Are these types of sites any good? I’ve read some sites reviews that say there are a lot of fake ads/profiles, but other sites do claim success. What would be the keys to success on these sites? Have you ever tried them with any success?
- Not Looking For Love

Dear We Know What You’re Looking For,
If your question is, “Will giving my money to sites like these connect me to hot, kinky, sexy, women who will do just about anything?” the short answer is NO. But if you’re in it because you’re a pervert and hopeful and curious and might whack off to some of the profile content and consider actually meeting someone sane a bonus but aren’t counting on it, well sure, it’s worth a try.

I’ve met a lot of men, women and couples online and have had great success, including from AdultFriendFinder. But it helps that I represent what most people are looking for - see above. Every guy I met from AFF told me it was terribly disappointing (besides meeting me of course) and that they did not intend to renew their membership. You have to wade through a lot of bullshit and liars, which takes time. But there are real people out there who just want casual sex and are not disgusting or crazy.

If you’re looking for human interaction and exploring sex but not a long term/monogamous commitment, I would recommend trying a free site like Craigslist or myspace. Put right on your ad/profile what you are looking for, but when you contact people you’re interested in, don’t be all skeezy about it. Treat them as a friend, an equal, and with respect. Be open and honest. I really do like the term “friend with benefits.”

Another thing I notice is that men have ridiculously high standards when it comes to women (young, gorgeous, thin, big boobs, flexible, able to deep throat beer cans), despite the fact that the men are not exactly brilliant, stylish, smoking hot package themselves. Be sure you’ve got what it takes to be desirable, and be prepared to provide good photos of yourself if that’s what you expect in turn.

Ask your female friends for their opinion on what women like or which of your pics are flattering - for some reason men are clueless when it comes to knowing which pics will appeal to women. And if you’re not photogenic, take a bunch of pics to capture the right look - HINT: warm, inviting, sexy, as opposed to menacing, indifferent, or psychotic. I’m serious! Look at some of the photos people have on their profiles - there’s no excuse in this day and age to have blurry or grainy mug shots. Oh, and ditch the cock shots - in the initial getting-to-know-you phase, women would rather see your face or chest.

Send your kinky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Do you think that sexual experience makes much of a difference in bed? Two of my past boyfriends were virgins when I met them, and they turned out to be great lovers. Is it possible that less experience can be a plus in that people have more of a spark, curiosity and openness for learning new things?
- The Devirginator

Dear D,
Look at you, corrupting the virgins. Yes, I’m jealous. Oh my god, a thousand times yes - sexual inexperience has nothing to do with how good a person is in bed. I haven’t been with a virgin since I was 16 (I run in a different circle than you). He was my second sex partner, the same age as me, and much better in bed than the 24-year-old douchebag who took my virginity (I’m terribly embarrassed I fucked a guy named Greg).

As for lately, to be fair I think a lot of swingers are talented due to their experience, but I’ve had great luck with men who have only been with a small number of people or who haven’t had sex in a long time. Being with them is like getting to experience all the firsts again for the first time - masturbating in front of someone, spending a lazy day in bed, etc. Also in my book, if you haven’t had sex for more than a year, you become a virgin again. To be clear, I never ever ever want to be a virgin again.

Finally, the best people in bed are the ones you share open communication with. And if both of your goals is to put the other person’s pleasure first, then everyone wins. And is happily exhausted.

Dear Slut,
I’ve been dating an open minded woman. The other night we went over to the east side for some fun. I purchased a lap dance for both of us. She watched the exotic dancer perform for me for two songs. The stripper had to take off my belt and open my hands so she could re-position my “friend” since her act included a lot of grinding.

Then she did her routine for my date and she enjoyed it enough to let the exotic dancer kiss her all the way up her thighs and under her skirt. Needless to say, by the time we ended up at my date’s place, we were both ready to release all that built up tension!

So where are other places you would recommend I take girls who are open minded like this?
- A guy who likes fresh ground stripper on his crotch

Dear guy with the well seasoned crotch,
Well aren’t you lucky to be in the company of a date who is comfortable enough in herself and her sexuality to get freaky at the strip club. Sounds like you had the perfect strip club experience - you got to share the sexiness with someone in an open and honest way, had a lot of fun, and then actually got laid after all that public foreplay.

There’s a website called Metro Watch that features all the east side clubs. I’ve been wanting to check out the Hustler Club - I heard they have a high tech peep show where laser sensors separate the patrons from the performers, instead of glass. And Stormy Daniels (MEGA star, according to the flyer) is going to be at the Penthouse Club this week. And Roxy’s has that beloved shower set up so men can watch women get it on with each other or squirt pussy juice on the plexiglass while hanging halfway up the pole.

But as I browse this site, I can’t help but be amused at seeing photos of these seedy night joints in the harsh light of day. They look like clubhouses boys cobbled together using cardboard boxes and neon lighting from Spencer’s. Check out the Chameleon - this is more of a whorehouse than a strip club.

And if you want to have sex in public, put on a show and possibly hook up with other people, I suggest The Colony, which isn’t even on the list, since it’s an adult theater. But omigod this place is not for the squeamish, and deserves it’s own entry. To be continued in the next post.

Dear Slut,
I am aware that people from other countries ridicule us Americans for being too prudish and making, for instance, the Super Bowl nipple incident into big news. Doesn’t the taboo that we associate with titillation increase the excitement that we experience with all things sexual (and especially kinky sex)?

I know that I am sincerely excited when my lady friend wears a low-cut blouse and bends over to climb into our tent–wouldn’t that excitement be diminished if women were topless all the time? I am thinking of the European concept of the exposed breast as being less taboo than it is in America–doesn’t that mean that their excitement at a downblouse moment is lessened?

I’m also curious to know how aware women are of exposing their breasts while wearing low-cut blouses. Are they TRYING to drive us crazy, or are they simply dressing for the warm weather and giving us a show by happy coincidence?
- Not a football watcher but definitely a breast watcher

Dear man with good taste,
First of all, you might want to take a look at the website where I scored the pic above - The Cleavage Blog. Hot.

I don’t think seeing breasts more often decreases the thrill one gets when seeing a woman in a low-cut blouse. If anything, it makes the moment a happier, healthier experience. But you might want to test this out yourself.

Since I happen to know that you’re a footloose and fancy professor off for the summer, I suggest you spend a week at a European beach surrounded by well-oiled topless people of all genders, shapes, and sizes.

Then, hang out at an outdoor cafe where beautiful women in tank tops sip wine and laugh and let their straps slip off their golden shoulders and see if your erotic senses have been dulled.

Or alternatively, I can come stay at your house for a week topless and see if you get bored with boobs (I’ll need internet access.)

OR we can go to Europe together and combine the options. I doubt you’ll be yawning, especially as we check out the hot chicks together.

(Oh, and yes women know they’re driving you crazy when they show off flesh or go braless, but chances are, they care more about their comfort than your sanity.)

Horny but puzzled? Send your questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I have a sex culture question: Do most American men have the dream of being taken advantage of? Does it have anything to do with geography, i.e., would it apply to men in New York, for instance? Just curious.
- Russian Goddess

Dear Russian Goddess,
Since I’ve only had sex with about half the U.S. population as opposed to all, I’m not sure if I can accurately answer this one, but I’ll try. Also, feedback from male readers would be appreciated. I’ve found that pretty much men dream of whatever they aren’t getting. So if they have to be the boss at work, they like to be bossed in the bedroom. If they aren’t getting laid, they want to get laid, preferably by more than one woman at once. If their partner is an older woman, they fantasize about being with someone younger. If their best friend has a hot mom and they aren’t fucking her, they would very much like for her to seduce them when they unexpectedly walk in on her sunbathing nude by the pool. In other words, most men want it all. Which, I have to admit, I can relate to.

People tend to lean in one direction (dom or sub) though some people can assume both roles, given the mood. But not always! One time I saw a dom guy, very aggressive in the bedroom, get blindfolded and tied to a pool table so five (FIVE!) beautiful women could ravage him, and you could tell he didn’t like it one bit. But I suppose a lot of men could get into that, ey?

And though I haven’t been to New York yet but desperately need to get there so I can experience the wealth of vegetarian restaurants, I’m pretty confident that the number of men who want a woman to sit on their face is even higher than here in the midwest, since everyone in New York is a total freak. And if you’re from New York, please don’t ruin my fantasy by commenting that you are not a total freak.

Send your questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Like Dan Savage and his “Dear Faggot” column, I’m going to start posting questions I receive, paired with my questionable answers. Go ahead, Ask a Slut! ~ love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I was reading your old posts and there was one titled “Endless Possibilities” I was intrigued by #6. Have you ever had anyone do this? Did you enjoy it? I have been looking to have a woman do this to me but it’s kinda hard to bring up on a first date - “Hey would you piss on me?” So I didn’t know if someone brought it up to you or if it was a fantasy for you too?
- P.

Dear P.,
I’ve dabbled in watersports, but not much. I think it’s fine, fun, sexy. I’ve had a couple guys wipe me and I’ve peed on a couple, and one guy wanted me to pee in his mouth. I was willing to give it a try but he chickened out, which was rather annoying, as I thoughtfully prepared that day by drinking lots of water and avoiding asparagus. It felt wasteful to just flush that “golden juice” (his words, not mine) down the toilet…

I’ll admit I’m pretty clueless when it comes to traditional dating, but I’d hazard to guess that it’s better to come right out with something like that early on than to wait a few months later to bring it up. Usually by then it’s kinda too late, you know what I mean? You’d think it’d be easier to talk about a private thing like that with someone you know even better, but instead it can be even harder. And maybe if you speak up, she’ll feel comfortable enough to tell you about her rape fantasy! GOSH just imagine that fun-filled night: “Hey I’ll piss on you if you rape me - whaddya say?”

Sounds like a bloggable evening to me…