The Beautiful Kind

Dear Slut,
I am contemplating a TRIAD. I am currently married and have a baby boy. I also have a secret lover on the side whom I deeply love and with whom I have a fantastic love life. My wife is not frigid, just not as into sex as I am and does not value it as much (she is almost non-orgasmic and will not masturbate). For her it is more of an job than a way to connect.

We all live in Japan in the same small town (very conservative - think US in the 1950s). I am a round eye and they are not, only important to mention because this is a conservative country and I stick out like a sore thumb. My wife is typical Japanese in many ways, including her lack of desire to reveal her true self to anyone and she does not want to know what is really going on in others. For her, actions are all that counts, not thoughts or feelings and in fact self-denial is seen as the highest good by many Japanese… I fail to feel connected to her as a result.

My lover on the other hand bares her soul to me and I to her. We are connected on a very high spiritual level. I love both women but in different ways. I also feel of course obligated to be a good father and honor my commitments. I want to propose a TRIAD so that we can all have what we want, even it is not the ideal that maybe they had in mind. I am willing to seek legal counsel to draw up some kind of cohabitation contract so that the women all feel protected and secure and that any offspring will be provided for. I am not afraid of commitment. I want to commit. Any advice?
Have Cake, Want to Eat It Too

Dear Sweet Tooth,
I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but your dream will not come true. I know, I know, it would be sooo cool if all the puzzle pieces fit nicely together and you could have one big happy family and get all your needs met without having to sneak around, but it won’t happen with your setup. Just ask another reader of this blog, a married woman who loves both her husband AND her lover 14 years her junior. Ain’t no way she’s going to live with both happily ever after. She’s going to have to choose one or the other, or scrap both and start fresh.

I’ve been in a triad for a few months now, and I have to say it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, and that’s with everyone being on board and open about it from the get go, AND with both women being bisexual. Trust me, low libido or not, your wife would feel like shit if she heard you and your lover giggling in the bedroom.

I agree with Tristan Taormino’s (author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships) take on non-monogamy: it’s harder to introduce the concept into an already established relationship. Most situations like yours end up in one of two ways: carry on the affair until the lover gets tired of the arrangement and moves on, or leave your wife for your lover. It sucks that a thing that makes one person happy can make another person miserable. Or two.

Dear Slut,
Some time ago, in my porn hunting travels, I came across the whole CFNM (Clothed Female Nude Male) thing. Recently, I have been thinking about it again. Because, you see, I find it quite hot.

This doesn’t make me straight. I’m still a lesbian. I’m not hot for the guys or the penises that are attached, nor do I want them. I am so turned on by the women, though. Is this weird?

So who is the target for this kind of porn? Do guys like it? Given how homophobic most men are, I can’t imagine guys would get into seeing naked guys. And straight women, sure, maybe, but then to see women enjoying this…that might be odd. Or does it just appeal to those of use with more unusual tastes in porn?

Maybe I should clarify. I’m not into the humiliation kind of stuff, I really lose the women at a strip club or with a stripper sucking the guy off, maybe even getting fucked, in the more risque stuff. but the sight of a normal, real woman (which I vastly prefer in porn anyway) sucking a stripper’s cock is pretty damn hot to me, and I have pet the bunny to it a few times. Even the thought of it, in the shower, can get me going. So what gives? I am curious to know your thoughts on this. Am I just totally screwed up sexually?
Porn Surfing Lesbian

Dear PornChick,
Ahh, porn - it can be a double edged sword - it brings you pleasure, but then the guilt, shame, and disgust sinks in. My friend Dylan over at 365 Observations had to break up with it, but I fear they’ll have to pry the laptop and vibrator from my cold, dead fingers (and then they can use my body for necro porn!)

PornChick, you are not screwed up. You are COMPLEX. In your fantasies you can think whatever you want. You can’t control what turns you on, it just IS, so go with it. I think the people who are into CFNM porn are the kind who like submissive men and dominant women. You probably like a strong, confident woman and enjoy seeing her take pleasure from (and oh sure, maybe humiliate) a dude. I’ll bet sub guys eat this shit up.

And I hardly think this is weird porn. For that, go back up to Dylan’s link and click around. Just don’t forget to have a barf bucket handy. Oh MAN I just clicked on the SourMath one and am seriously regretting it. I never knew porn could get you seasick!!!

.

Send kinky queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Why are Americans so freaked out about breastfeeding? I mean we all like breasts, so why get upset over women exposing their boobs in public to feed their kid? And why do you freak out over nipples and girls being topless? Boobs are GOOD things, why cover ‘em up?
Superior European

Dear Snooty European,
Take my breasts, please. Wait a minute, you don’t need them - Europe is brimming over with boobage! My ex-pat friend who lives in Spain tells me that there are magazines on every newsstand showing bare breasts, and that it’s common to see women wearing nothing but a scrap of a thong on the beach. His apartment balcony overlooks the community pool, and all he has to do is sit out there and drink his beer and watch his neighbors frolic around topless.

One time he was at the Prado Museum in Madrid and a mother sat on a marble bench in the middle of one of the galleries and pretty much lowered her entire top to nurse her child. Friend reports that 90% of the patrons didn’t blink, the rest glanced for a second and then moved on, and a couple American tourists gawked a little (I’m assuming he wasn’t one of them).

We’ve got assholes like John Ashcroft covering a statue’s breast, and check out this obscenity charge against Abercrombie & Fitch. A woman writing for this student newspaper posed the same question back when Janet Jackson’s orthodontic-style nipple was shown to the world.

Meanwhile, my guy can walk around topless and flaunt his lame, flat nipples, and he has bigger breasts than The Belle and I put together! AND hair on his chest, which is way more titillating to me than nipples (on a guy anyway).

New York is one of the only places in the U.S. where it is legal for a woman to be topless in public. Check out this fun article about how a woman there scored almost $30,000 for being wrongfully arrested.

There’s the theory that Americans came over as Puritans and that mentality has persisted, but I don’t buy it. I mean, we got over the whole persecuting people for being witches thing, didn’t we? And America is such a huge melting pot now. And we LOOOVE cow nipples; we clamor to drink the milk we rape out of them in bucketfuls.

So…fuck if I know. I can only chalk it up to sexist possessive bullshit. Men think they own women and are jealous of babies. Let’s take this conversation into comments - what do you think?

PS: Here is my nipple. Suck on that!

Dear Slut,
I’ve heard that by applying pressure to the prostate during an orgasm, one prevents male ejaculation, and prevents the body from returning to the pre-aroused state, thereby increasing sexual stamina. Is this true? And, if it is, would a butt plug do the job, in case one’s partner is a bit squeamish about putting her finger there?
Probing

Dear Probing,
It is definitely healthy to give your sadly neglected prostate some attention, though I’m not sure if it will prevent male ejaculation. I suppose it could trigger orgasms without ejaculate, or multiple orgasms, or loads of cum as your cock turns into a vibrating jackhammer…

We’re still in the early stages of male rectal exploration here at the TBK lair - we’ve tried a finger and two different kinds of butt plugs so far. (Oh and if a partner is squeamish about putting a finger up there, get some latex gloves, or HI, that’s what soap and water is for.) The two butt plugs didn’t do anything except induce awkwardness, and the finger was OK - we haven’t yet reached that legendary land of “prostate-focused extended orgasms.”

I asked a fag for some male butt play advice, and here is what he had to say:

- Men store more fecal matter in their colon, so it’s good to prepare accordingly. He should eat yogurt - it makes the prostate more sensitive. He should not eat meat, green veggies or a big meal 2-6 hours before penetration. Enemas are nice for prep.

- Get a prostate stimulator, like the Aneros. Just look at some of the testimonials on their site. Here is what it looks like and how it goes in (in Spanish!)

Oh geez, from the diagram I can tell that I’ve been pointing my finger in the wrong direction - I’ve been hanging out in the rectum, when I should be cozying up closer to the front, as if trying to kootchy koo the pubic bone. I’ll have to try this again soon. And I really want one of these Aneros alien probes. Off to choose the right model… I’m SO glad I have a willing guinea pig on hand. Let’s hope The Beau keeps us informed of his anal hijinks on his blog.

Yes, you’re a pervert, but what else do you want to know? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I am a very sexual person and have been this way since about age 18. I am Bi, and pretty open about anything sexual. I recently have been super interested in the dom/sub thing and some mild sexual violence. I want to try it, but can’t seem to find the right guy. The guy I am seeing right now is somewhat dominant and we have fun, but how do I explain to him that I won’t be scared if he gets more intense?

I tried to explain this to the last guy I was seeing by saying, no really, it’s ok, I want you to push my limits. But then it was still a disappointment when we had the same old sex, except this time he held my arms above my head, woo woo. It was not the thrill I was hoping for. How can I attract the right dom kind of guy, or how can I bring it out of the guy I am sleeping with currently? Any ideas?
A wannabe sub, lol

Dear Sub,
Yay for you not settling for vanilla sex! It’s not easy finding a guy who can pull off the rough sex - too often the boyfriend types are too squeamish to do it, and the hookup guys are happy to oblige, but the trust factor isn’t there, so the scene is tinged with anxiety and is therefore spoiled.

Here are some random suggestions (some obscene, some appropriate) as well as a sweet shot of The Beau forcing me to suck his cock, god that gets me hot just looking at it:

1. Get drunk. Drinking loosens inhibitions, but only have 2 or 3, you don’t want to get sick.

2. Find an older guy. You need someone who is mature and experienced to dom you.

3. Utilize the fetish checklist - try it out on your current boyfriend, and keep it on hand for future possibilities. Both of you should fill it out. You’ll be able to tell straight away if a person has potential to rough you up. (You know what I really like? Gentlerough - when a strong powerful man holds back a little as he has his way with you - knowing that he could brutalize you but is instead grabbing you by your hair or wrapping his arm around you or pinning you down or putting you where he wants you in this confident, forceful way that is just breathtaking instead of bully-ish.)

4. Turn it into a game. Try getting him to wrestle/horseplay. Challenge him: “Bet you can’t get my jeans off.” Man, what a fun bet.

5. Another way to bring it up with the guy you’re with now is to talk about it out of the bedroom when things aren’t hot and heavy. Tell him you want to see how rough you can take it, and establish a safe word that you can use in case you want activities to halt. That way he can feel safe that you’re in control and will let him know when enough is enough.

Check it out! This is the first Ask The Slut question that is also being answered by The Beau - get the male/dom perspective to this topic here. And remember, I brought out his inner dom — pre-TBK, he treated the ladies with kid gloves. Hell, maybe he still does, I wouldn’t know - I’m no lady!

Dear Slut,
I’m a self-described nice guy with a job that (literally) takes me all over the planet. Since I’m not content to stay in my hotel room on these trips I’m constantly out meeting new women in different cities around the globe. Inevitably some of these end up in longer-term relationships and sex.

But here’s the problem: I’m not monogamous nor do I have any plans to be so in the immediate future. When I meet these women I don’t want to lead them on or lie to them but it’s very difficult to steer the conversation to this topic and even more difficult to be completely honest if the subject does come up. How does one tactfully address this in a new relationship?

As an aside, if I met the right person I would absolutely be willing to be monogamous with her. For right now though, I’m just not there yet. I have a girlfriend in <foreign city> and in <foreign city> and when I’m in the states I sleep with other women and even some couples! How do you bring this up with someone you haven’t known for very long?

Actually, now that I think about it, I would even extend this into a two-parter: how and when (if ever) should you bring this up with your friends? That question is a whole column in itself. In what situations should you and which are the ones where you shouldn’t?
- Nice Guy

Dear World Traveling Cad - I mean, Nice Guy,
I’ve dated multiple people at once and have made it clear to them that they weren’t the only one, and that worked out fine for me. But I’m a woman and I guess guys will fuck a chick even if she’s not long-term relationship material. I’m guessing that if you were to tell the women you date what was up in the same manner I did, you probably wouldn’t get laid as much, since your date might be turned off at the thought of you doing it with some other woman in Paris next week.

How about asking them what their current status is first? See if they are looking for something long term, or if they are just keeping it casual for now until the meet the Right One? More women today are not settling on the first guy that comes along and are empowered to do exactly what you are doing.

This will give you more information about where they are coming from and open it up to have a turn yourself in describing your situation. You can say in a sensitive way that you are not committed to anyone at the moment, so you are free to date, and that you will be happy to settle down when you meet the right person. That’s being honest and sounds pretty harmless. There’s nothing wrong with friends with benefits. The key word here is RESPECT.

As for who to tell in your social circle, I’d be open and honest with what you have going on. You never know - your disclosure may open new doors and break down barriers. You might find out your friend is also non-monogamous and has had a crush on you for a while. Or you might find out that your friend is monogamous-minded and accepting of other people’s differences. If your friend freaks out and feels threatened, well, I just don’t see how you sleeping with that girl in Paris changes the way you both agree on politics, movies, and wine. Fuck ‘em. You deserve friends who accept you for who you are.

Send your tricky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I read on your blog about how you were downstairs while your man was upstairs tying another woman up in your bedroom. WTF? Don’t you get jealous??
- Baffled

Dear Baffled,
One of my favorite quotes goes like this: Jealousy is all the fun you think they’re having.

Some people have trouble trusting their new partner because their ex cheated on them. Some people think they can own their partner and not allow them to have friends of the opposite sex. Most people freak out at the thought of their partner sharing sex or intimacy with others.

I think this is all stupidlame, but truth is, I can relate.

I used to say I didn’t experience jealousy, but came to admit that’s not true (granted, I have a higher threshold than most people.)

At first, when The Belle entered the scene (I’d like to point out that I met The Beau on stupidmyspace and The Belle at a Meetup group), she was mainly friends with The Beau. I encouraged their friendship - I saw they had an instant connection and good chemistry. But as they got closer and their bond strengthened, I started to feel anxious. One day they took a road trip to a park to go hiking, and it was that day I became officially jealous. I was worried I would lose The Beau to her, and that they would never come back.

It was irrational, but based on something that happened to me a year ago - I was in an intense, open relationship with a guy. I introduced him to a friend of mine and encouraged them to date, and one night he up and ran off with her and I never saw him again. It was a shocker all right. It turned out he faked his way through our relationship and we weren’t at all right for each other, but it took me getting dumped to realize that. Four months later, I met The Beau.

“Look, I’m not that phony idiot,” The Beau told me when I explained why I was feeling freaked out. But I wasn’t wholly convinced.

How was I able to overcome my jealousy and work my way through it? By sitting down with The Belle and having a heart-to-heart. I opened myself up to her and became vulnerable. I told her how I was feeling, even though it embarrassed me. I felt weak and insecure for having these feelings.

You always hear that open communication is the key to making relationships work. It’s a tired cliche, but let me take it a step further and explain what that means: IT MEANS TALKING ABOUT THE EMBARRASSING THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT MEANS TAKING A RISK. IT CAN EVEN MEAN SAYING THINGS YOU THINK THE OTHER PERSON DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR.

I took a risk, and it paid off. The Belle handled what I had to say with grace and aplomb. I told her I wanted to get to know her better and work on a stronger connection with her. I held back for a long time, but we finally had our breakthrough.

The other day she gave me a big hug and said, “Here you thought you were going to lose him, but you ended up gaining me!”

C’mon, work the kinks OUT. Send your kinky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I was kicking around the idea of anonymously sending flowers to a co-worker I like for Valentine’s Day. I probably won’t, because I tend to err on the side of caution, but I was just wondering what you thought of that. She’s with a guy she’s not too enthusiastic about, but she is *with* him. Creepy, lame, cute, a waste, romantic?
Creepy is not my intent

Dear “He’s creepy, he’s creepy not,”
I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Consider your motivation for doing such a thing - are you doing it in the hopes that you’ll be her next boyfriend? Um, not gonna happen. At least, not because you sent her flowers.

But if you’re doing it because you want to revel in all the exciting, mysterious fantasies associated with it, and you have $75 burning a hole in your pocket (if you’re going to do it, then do it right), then eh, why not? For sure it will give her a huge ego boost and make her day - the flattery of being on the receiving end of such a generous gesture will outweigh any nagging creepy feelings she might experience (”do I have a stalker?” “are these from my ex?” “god I hope these aren’t from my dad”)

Then again, she’ll also have to deal with her boyfriend’s reaction to it - evolutionary biology will probably kick in and he’ll go into sperm war mode and fuck her twice that night instead of once.

Yeah, don’t do it.

Send your romantic riddles to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Sorry to say that I’m a long-time lurker. My wife and I have been in a sexual black hole recently. We have a six month old baby who has effectively eliminated every bit of spontaneity from our lives.

My wife wishes she were more sexual, and has agreed to make more of an effort. She suggested getting some porn, but neither one of us care much for traditional porn (fake boobs and high heels not working for us). I know there are some great websites out there with amateurs, but we haven’t been able to find DVDs that we can watch in our bedroom. Is there any good, commercially available porn out there?

In a tangential related question, how is it possible that every Okkervil River album is better than their last when each album seems so perfect? I still can’t decide if I like “Unless it Kicks” or “John Allyn Smith Sails” better. “No Key, No Plan” is still probably my favorite, though.
Dad With Great Musical Taste

Dear Hip Dad,
You had me at Okkervil River.

Just so you know, your black hole is temporary. I was horny during my pregnancy, but then things took a drastic turn as soon as she was born. For a year or two I was exhausted, in pain, physically fucked up. We’re talking cunt rippage/stitches. I had to heal from my war wounds, and having a baby around did NOT facilitate the process. Breastfeeding also killed my sex drive.

I was sad - I thought that was the way it was going to be from now on. It took a while, but I finally got out of that stage and am now fully recovered and hornier than ever. You can expect to put your sex life on hold for up to three years total when you add a kid to your life. (Yes, there was that swinger couple I knew that would put their 8 month old to bed and then have another couple over for some grown up fun, and yes the wife was in awesome shape, but they are mutant freaks and that is not the norm.)

Those stupid parenting magazines will tell you to set aside an evening a week to go out on a date, and while that is nice, it’s not enough. A weekend in some romantic setting would be a good start, but inevitably the time away is tainted by you missing the kid and feeling guilty for enjoying yourself. Do it anyway.

Until your black hole period ends, you need to figure out ways to cope. So the porn idea is great (props to your wife for being cool!), and I think my readers will be able to point you in the right direction. I know what you mean about gross porn with all the fake boobs and stuff. How about this site?

And I’m sure you’ve heard this before but it really does turn a woman on to find that a mess she was about to clean up at the end of the day has already been done, like a sink full of dishes or a basket of laundry.

Don’t be such a baby. Send your kinky queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
You seem to have little trouble getting into the mood no matter what. Ive been with same woman for 11 years and we’ve been married for almost six. We have a good monogamous sex life and are both open minded and try new things.

The only time we seem to have trouble getting in the mood is during the winter, especially the dead of winter! Both of us get the winter blahs a little, me more than her I think. Sex just doesn’t seem as fun when it’s so fucking cold and dreary! I was wondering if you or anyone else has this issue, or are we just nuts.
I Should Be Hibernating

Dear Moody Bear,
GOD yes, I’ve heard of this from a few people lately - I can see this being an issue especially if you share outdoor hobbies with your partner or connect well on summer vacations. The official term for winter blahs or post holiday blues is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It’s related to light and drudgery. So people who get SAD feel fine the rest of the year, but it’s the winter months that bring them down and zap all the zest out of things they usually find pleasurable.

You should look into a light therapy lamp - just look at this stylish number, all egg-shaped and glowing with life. (egg = symbol of fertility!)

Don’t leave your wife out in the cold - perk yourself up with a trip to a sex shop and pick out a little something for your sexy selves - body paint, a new vibrator, or a Lite Brite, ha ha.

And yeah yeah, exercise and get yourself outdoors.

Next year recharge with a proper getaway to Florida, Cancun, or a tropical cruise. For now, check the travel section of your newspaper and snag a weekend special to get you closer to the equator.

If you have a few hundred bucks, it’s worth it. I mean, what else are you going to spend your money on - beer? cable bill? C’mon, you deserve it - and your woman will love the Little Miss Sunshine treatment.

My opinion counts. Send your kinky queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
My husband and I have only been with each other since we met as teens and are hoping to maximize our sensual needs with each other. We are first timers wanting to swing, where are the best places to meet a possible couple? And, how does the swinging process work? We have experimented with a threesome before because I wanted to be with another woman, but I am curious, since our safe couple fell thru, what is it like to have sex with a complete stranger.
Thanks ~Complete Joy~ (St. Louis)
PS: You are a sexy cunt.

Dear Joy,
I have to admit, having sex with a total stranger is a rush. The good news is, swinging is all around you. Someone posted a comment on my myspace page just yesterday: “Swingers Party at SpyBar in O’Fallon mo tonight” and I know for a fact there is a daytime gang bang going on in West County today. Swingers often get together at the trashy Dorsett Inn. My guy and I are 90% sure that our next door neighbors are swingers. (Hint: Around here, a good clue to know if someone is a swinger is if they frequent the Lake of the Ozarks in the summer. Party Cove, baby.)

In other words, there is a wealth of action to choose from out there, from invite-only orgies in private homes to hotel takeovers by a huge hedonistic group. Take a look on myspace, do a Google search for “swinger St. Louis lifestyle” - bam, there you go. The three biggest swing sites you can join are SwingLifeStyle, Swappernet, and Lifestyle Lounge. LL is the best of the bunch, better quality people on there, but it’s pricier.

Most swingers like to get to know each other by exchanging a few messages online and then going on a double date. If you’re really into hooking up with a stranger, mention that fantasy on your swinger profile or post an ad on Craigslist, man that place is teeming with kinky fuckers who can indulge your every fetish. For swinger newbies, check out this great site put out by CoupleDoingIt. The video is a great fun intro to swinging (there are a couple parts of it I don’t like, but overall it is spot on.) Happy hunting!

Feelin’ frisky but don’t know what to do with it? Drop me a line at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Can you really kill a woman from blowing air up her cunt?
Curious about deadly blow jobs

Dear Curious,
No kidding, I’ve seen this rumor floating around for years now, and have wondered that myself. (I thought about testing it out on myself last night with my guy as my lovely assistant, but hey, I’m no blow up doll.) Seems unlikely to me, but according to the Go Ask Alice site, it’s rare, but it can happen.

When air is blown or forced directly into a vagina without allowing any air to escape, an air embolism could form, which can be fatal. Women who are more at risk for this unlikely possibility are those whose pelvic vessels are enlarged due to a condition such as trauma and possibly pregnancy.

So, if a very large amount of air were to be blown or forced into their vaginal canals, it’s possible that the air could enter their bloodstream, causing a blockage in a blood vessel. As a result, some of these women may die if the embolism travels to the heart or lungs.

So do we have open blood vessels in our pussies, or what? I mean, would the amount of air needed to cause serious damage need to be forceful enough to rupture blood vessels?! Who the hell could pull that off - Kenny G? (yet ANOTHER reason not to fuck Kenny G)

So it sounds like some gentle blowing on the vulva isn’t deadly, but trying to blow your partner up like a balloon is a bad idea.

Oh geez I just found this weird image series of 18 year old girls fucking around with balloons. Now I’m super curious about this balloon fetish thing. A Looner is someone who has a balloon fetish. God I hate balloons.

And now I’ve found a clip showing a man’s balloon fetish going pathetically wrong. Someone on the site commented that David Cross should play him when the movie comes out.

Email your hot air question to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Monk,
I think it is SO cool that a real live monk reads my blog! I love being your guilty pleasure. So tell me, what does God REALLY think about sex? Is there anything on my blog that is clearly a religious no-no? Also, do you have to be abstinent? Can you ever marry? If so, what if your wife got off on being called a dirty little slut in the bedroom - could you pull that off? What kind of monk are you, anyway? Are you a virgin?
Love, The Slut aka TBK

Dear Slut,
The orders that I follow are from the Celtic Christian Community of Northumbria. Technically, though, I’m not part of the community’s infrastructure, which is because the community is in Scotland. They belong to a movement called “New Monasticism”. We live our lives in a cycle of fueling periods and burning periods.

During a fueling period, we try to isolate ourselves as much as possible from “the world” to saturate ourselves in Christ. Then, in a burning period, we get as pro-active in our world as possible. We also strive to be vulnerable and available, first to God, then to other humans.

A big part of it is an extra level of commitment to spiritual disciplines. We go to a certain extreme in the hopes of inspiring our fellow believers around us to go a little farther. It’s being a 10 so that all of the 4s will become 7s. There are also levels of spiritual authority attached to it, which means more responsibilities than other believers.

I am allowed to marry. I am not actually under a vow of abstinence as part of my monk-hood. By abstinence, I mean waiting until you’re married to have sex. That abstinence is a basic part of a relationship with Christ. Since we believe He designed sex to be only for a man and wife, out of love for Him, we respect that design. A vow of chastity, on the other hand, is never having sex or getting married, ever.

Birth control’s a thing of beauty! There’s this story the Old Testament about a guy refusing to cum in his wife and God kills him for it, which leads some to believe birth control is evil. However, if you read carefully, there are these customs involving land ownership that show the guy is actually being greedy and trying to shank his brother out of land.

I really don’t think I could call my future wife a slut. Obviously, “whore” and “slut” carry non-abstinent connotations, hence the negative association. Abstinence as a virtue is based on the idea that when the physical bodies join, so do the souls. We believe that when you have sex with someone, the eternal part of yourself is stitched together with your partner’s. This was put in place, by God, as a model for our relationship with him.

Christians call themselves the “Bride of Christ” (even the men). Prayer, meditation and worship are supposed to be like having sex with God and certain virtues (known as “the fruits of the spirit”) are the pregnancy from that union. Since God demands that we only worship (have spirit-sex with) him, we believe that we’re only supposed to have sex with our spouse.

Kinky sex isn’t discouraged by this doctrine. Causing physical and emotional damage are out (though a little bruising is okay), but apart from that, no holds are barred once that ring is in place. Also, God considers sex itself the thing that marries you to another, the ceremony is just for the relatives.

All of this spiritual significance of sex I’m talking about comes from the Bible. There isn’t one section that outlines all of it, but a section here says this and one over there says that, put them together and voila! But it’s all in the Bible. (”Song of Solomon” is really hot if you can unravel the metaphors.)

As for your blog… obviously, a proper three-way is out given the exclusive nature God demands of sex. While technically, your thing wasn’t really three-way sex, it crossed a line that a Christian shouldn’t cross. Also, anything involving humiliation is teetering on that border of acceptability. Emotional and physical damage as aphrodisiac are right out. But, for the most part, anything between a married husband and wife that they’re both cool with is all good.

Yes, I am a virgin. The “furthest” I’ve gone was massaging a girlfriend’s breasts through her shirt, in high school. 32C, too bad she was crazy.

Dear Slut,
In reading through some of your adventures, it seems you have gotten into quite a bit of trouble/naughtiness in the past. I’m curious: how do you juggle casual behavior with safety (of the STD/sexual paranoia variety)? Condoms only get you so far, especially when dealing with (near) strangers — I’m wondering how this tightrope act of safety vs. fun works for you.
Cootie Police

Dear Cootie,
Your question reminds me of a quote I posted over a year ago by Germaine Greer: “Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.”

Check out these fascinating facts:

Number of people (”women!” he clarifies in the background, hmf) my guy has had sex with in his life: 6
Number of times he has had sex in his entire life (pre-TBK), rough estimate: 50
Number of STDs he has had: zero

Number of people (”almost everyone I know!” I clarify obnoxiously) I have had sex with in my life: Hundreds
Number of times I have had sex in my entire life, rough estimate: 1 million
Number of STDs I have had: zero

So what’s the deal? Early on in my sex history, I was an idiot. I had a guy pretend to put on a condom in the dark but didn’t really. I had unprotected sex with random hot guys. I had a boyfriend accuse me of giving him an STD but it turns out he had hemorrhoids. I have often had sex with three dudes in one day (sometimes they were all there in the same room, and sometimes I spaced them out over a 24 hour period and they didn’t know about each other). Verdict? Sheer fucking luck.

But hey, one guy I didn’t sleep with was Darnell “Boss Man” McGee, a player from East St. Louis who slept with over 100 14 year old girls in the span of a year and infected over 30 of them with HIV. Don’t worry, he was shot and killed in 1997, so your 14 year old daughters are safe now. For sure, a big factor is who you are sleeping with (go for the inexperienced geeks!) and what your environment is like (be white middle class!) STDs are more prevalent in lower-income minority neighborhoods.

Being educated also helps, but hey, shit happens. Luckily I wised up later on, and used condoms religiously when I attended orgies or turned tricks with total strangers. I also refused to swallow casual semen (full disclosure: I have never used a dental dam when eating a woman or made a guy wear a condom for a blow job). It’s true - you’re way more likely to get an STD when you are the one being penetrated and that other fellow is depositing bodily fluids in or on your person.

I’m going to get spanked for saying this, especially since I haven’t done my research and checked all the statistics, but do you think that maybe, just MAYBE, the whole STD thing is exaggerated at least a little by conservative/religious people in an effort to scare folks and encourage monogamy, our society darling?

I mean, I’ve been involved in the swinger community in at least three states and have been a member of a local polyamory group, and I have never heard of a case of the clap making its rounds. Have any of you swingin’ or poly people witnessed any disease outbreaks? And I really do think that some of the incurable STDs are made into something bigger and badder than they really are - for sure you don’t want HIV or Hepatitis C, but warts and herpes?

TONS of people carry the HPV virus - if you’ve slept with four people you more than likely carry it (I’m sure I do, though I’ve never seen an outbreak) and herpes is similar - most people only have one or two outbreaks and are not as plagued with it as the drug companies want you to believe. They don’t tell you this, but if you have herpes and you take drugs to prevent outbreaks, you can only take them for about a year, and once you stop, the virus gets pissed and will hit you harder.

* I’m talking out of my disease-free ass here, people, so if I’m wrong about something or you have had an STD or two, please comment and set me straight.

Yep condoms are not all-protecting. And like a lot of people, I hate ‘em. Condoms were the worst part about swinging (OK, maybe sleeping with some of the caveman dudes in order to get to their hot wives was the worst part), so it’s nice to be settled down and not need the sausage shrink wrap. But hey, maybe if they were cookie flavored…

Next week: Special guest appearance with “Ask The Monk!”

Dear Slut,
Why is that women have a thing for Santa? There’s an episode of “Friends” where Monica wanted Chandler to wear a Santa costume in bed, and also there’s the movie “Bad Santa” where a girl bartender had a huge crush on the Bad Santa.
Curious Elf

Dear Elf,
When I first received this question, I thought what the hell is he talking about? I don’t know of any women who have a Santa fetish (I did meet someone at a party the other night who has a Buddhist monk fetish and I really really hope she drops me a line so I can explore that more with her and write a post about it. Also I was extremely attracted to her).

Anyway, back to Santa. I started poking around online and came across this post from Flirty Kitty. An excerpt:

I was thinking she could go to the mall in a very short skirt, a see through black top with a black bra beneath, opaque tights and sexy shoes. She could plant herself in a strategic position across from Santa outside the Winter Wonderland. Hopefully, he would notice her next to the cute woodland creatures, become overcome with desire, and discard the small child in his lap to pull her into the Santa Village.

Yes Elf, you can’t get much more fantasy than Santa. He fulfills the daddy role, the beard, the presents, he’s obviously a nice guy who’s a giver. He also breaks into your house which is totally appealing for women who are into mysterious strangers having their way with them - you know, Christmas rape. And speaking of taboo, that’s another appealing thing about it - being with someone who is good and innocent, like all the priest and nun fantasies. AND he’s a cult celebrity.

In other news, there an article was just posted about a woman who groped Santa.

“The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” Michael said.

“I don’t know what the deal was. It was just bizarre,” the mall Santa told a reporter.

Obviously he doesn’t read The Beautiful Kind.

And hey, it looks like Santa has some fetishes of his own…

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? I am. Drop me a line at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
The other day one of my co-workers and I were discussing sex toys (we obviously haven’t had to watch any sensitivity training videos yet) and she asked naively, “What is the big deal with glass dildos?”

I’m by no means the world’s expert on such devices, but thanks to TBK, I feel adequately educated on such matters. I proceeded to explain that they can be chilled or heated to satisfy the desires of the user, AND they’re dishwasher safe! Why WOULDN’T a woman want one?

She further asked if those were the only advantages, and I knew that she should ask someone with more knowledge on the subject. I showed her your web site and suggested she send the question to TBK, the expert. I explained she would get a great answer and may even get to see a picture of a useful glassware assortment. My coworker was nervous to send her question, however, so I offered to ask on her behalf. In your opinion, what are the advantages and disadvantages to glass dildos or other glass devices for masturbation?
- Glass Messenger

Dear Glass,
Oh my dear, you’ve brought up a topic that is near and dear to my heart (er, cunt) and I am absolutely delighted to fill you in. This is one of those instances where I wish I wrote poetry in order to properly pay tribute to beautiful glass sex toys. Alas, my humble and simple words will have to do. As part of my research in answering this question, I lovingly assembled my own perfect 10 for a group photo (it’s my new desktop pic):

It’s hard to tell in these pics, but some have flowers embedded in their bowled end, or a butterfly etching, or subtle swirls of color and all the mystery and allure of a crystal ball.

Glass dildos can easily cost $329, but don’t let that freak you out. You can get perfectly good ones for $30 if you shop around (I pointed out a good store on my sex toy box post, but here it is again, along with a few other good shops - Glass Fantasy, Spicy Gear, XXX Glass, Blowfish.) I swear browsing these sites make me DROOL, they are so breathtakingly gorgeous.

And holding one in your hand is like holding a magician’s staff - the heft and smooth coolness is so impressive. And you know how a hard man is good to find? Well, you can’t get any harder than these beauties. And the ridges, bumps, contours on them are pronounced enough that even pussies who can’t read braille will appreciate. Of course, they aren’t much use for women who don’t like penetration. They should just stick to vibrators.

Blowfish has a nice page on caring for your lifelong friend (they don’t degrade like rubber toys):

You want to be extra-careful with glass toys, especially when they’re all lubed up — the smoothness and slickness is part of the point, but these suckers are slippery, and they’re triple-slippery when they’re wet. So keep them well away from hard surfaces — if you’re going to have that passionate scene in the back alley behind your apartment or on the cement floor of your office warehouse, use a different dildo. With glass toys, stick to the bed, or at least a well-carpeted floor. And when you’re storing your glass dildo, it’s a very good idea to wrap it in a soft cloth or bag, to avoid bumps and bruises in the bedside drawer.

I use socks for the ones that didn’t come with a padded pouch. SIGH, now I want to call in sick and stay in bed and shove glass in my pussy all day.

Want me to stick it to you? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
Do you think that there’s a connection between sex and artistic expression? Both are closely tied to the idea of creation, so would the connection be strictly categorical? Or could the hormones released during arousal give the brain a little boost? As a lover of the arts and sex, I imagine you have thought about this and I’m really curious about your thoughts on the subject. Thanks,
- Mr. Always in Need of a Muse

Dear Always,
I definitely think creative people are better in bed - artists, musicians and so on. Who would you rather sleep with - a composer/cello player, or a tax accountant? Yeah, it’s a no brainer. But it really gets interesting when you throw crazy into the mix. Both crazy and artistic people tend to be passionate.

Sex with the mentally ill or artistic types is usually great, but the trouble with mentally ill people is that they’re only fun about half the time. During their down moments you have to deal with medication and locked units. With artists, you get to fill in the blanks with good art and stimulating social events like concerts and art openings. Of course there are plenty of artists who are crazy - think Van Gogh and Sylvia Plath.

An interesting study from a couple years ago had this to say:

A survey conducted by psychologists from Newcastle University and the Open University suggests that creative people share several key traits with schizophrenia sufferers. The most sensationalist outcome of the study is evidence that artistic people are twice as sexually active as the norm.

However, the study makes the serious point that the inclusion of schizophrenia traits within the artistic personality, and the corresponding genetic pattern, may explain why the full-blown disease persists despite the evolutionary argument that schizophrenia’s negative impact on relationships and reproduction would eliminate the disease from the gene pool.

Ah, so THIS is why my poet mother who shaves her eyebrows and shoplifts kittens had five kids.

Bottom line: You know you’re in a good relationship when your partner inspires you to accomplish great things. And you’re getting lots of oral sex.

Inspired? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Slut,
I’ve tasted almost every girl I’ve been with. I love eating them, knowing that I’m giving them pleasure. Hell, sometimes I get so turned on about it that I almost finish myself while tonguing them.

Of course, my last girlfriend was no exception - I went down on her the first night we met. She was bold down there, just the way I like it. She was already wet, but something strange occured to me - her juices were very, very salty. That was a huge turn-off for me, but I finished her anyway.

My question is, what should a guy do when his lady’s liquids aren’t tasting very good? I tried spitting on her cunt and it kinda worked, but by the look on her face I could tell it was gross for her.
- The spitting camel who wants a low-sodium diet

Dear Lo-So,
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall watching that quick fix!

How hot of you to get off on eating pussy so much. Gold star for you. And you finished Ms. Salty up despite being turned off. Military Medal for you. Truth is, I would hate for someone to suffer through oral with me and would rather them speak up so I can rectify the situation and make it good for both of us.

Now should you say, “Your pussy is so rank it’s making my eyes water, go boil it” ? Or even “You smell down there, go take care of it” ? Of course not, but you could speak up in a gentle, less threatening way (I realize it’s harder to be frank with someone you don’t know well.) You could say something like, “You taste a bit soapy from the last time you washed, would you mind rinsing off a bit?”

She might be taken aback but will probably go take care of it (if she gets all offended and the night is ruined, well she’s hypersensitive and needs to chill out, sorry my advice spoiled your evening.) When she gets back be sure and give her lots of positive attention, start over, kiss her, work your way back to the apex of her legs and make sure she knows how much you love being there.

I’ll bet Ms. Salty wasn’t quite expecting to get to Third Base with you since it was your first date, so she might not have been prepared. If I think there’s a good chance someone is going to be messing with my pussy, I rinse off first, cuz I get funky just from sitting around all day. It’s good to take a preventative approach. (Just out of curiosity I wonder if you ate her again after that and how that went.)

And a shout out to all the folks out there who ate me when I was not-so-fresh and suffered through it - you get a Military Medal too. And now you know it’s OK to speak up next time!

PS: The site I snagged the photo from is a real trip. Start at the bottom and work your way up.

Send your salty questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Dear Cunt, (fine, that works too)
Is the Hare Krishna teaching below meant to condone oral sex with young boys? Also please, does believing in God elevate pederasty to a holy act? As a religious fanatic and sexologist, I thought that you might share your insight into this matter and I have a flower garland.

Let the poets continue to rave about poetry, and let the Vedic scholars incessantly praise the nectar derived from brahman realization. I myself will take shelter of a beautiful youth who is decorated with a garland made of wildflowers, holding a flute to His blossoming lips.
Isvara Puri
Padyavali 35.36

For more wisdom on the science of Krishna consciousness, visit the Teachings section at krishna.com/teachings.

Finally please indicate whether you masturbate contemporaneously while working on the column and if this query puts you into a state of erotic religious fervor.
-Seeking your wisdom

Dear Smart Ass,
While I think you might be reading a bit too much into this quote, you do make a valid point: All religion is whack, not just Christianity. Anyway, you can take that same quote and wonder if it refers to bestiality and sucking a bull’s penis - i.e., when they say “brahman,” do they mean a member of the highest class of Hindus, or are they talking about a grayish, heat-resistant breed of Indian cattle?

Believing in God makes pederasty and other grave missteps easier because instead of tuning into your own internal moral compass to get a sense of what is right or wrong, you just do what you want and then pray for forgiveness or somehow justify it by interpreting the teaching spoonfed to you the way you want.

I only masturbate to the good letters.

PS: If you’d like to further explore the whole Krishna boy-love idea, check out the first Hare Krishna Boy Scout Troop and how one of their members made it to the top. Note how the left-handed handshake photo has been removed from the page…hmmm?

PS2: Send queries or screeds of worship to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Continued from previous post…

Dear Wordy Thoughtful Man,
Let’s start with my post from a few months ago, How To Eat My Pussy, even though, unfortunately, you are not inquiring about how to eat MY pussy, but rather that tricky vixen of yours.

I would say there are three main ways to get a woman off with your tongue on her clit (techniques like spelling out the Ten Commandments are too gimicky):

1. light fast licking like a cat lapping up milk from a bowl (my personal fav)
2. hardcore licking with your mouth mashed up against the cunt
3. sucking on the clit

I’m guessing you might want to try out #2, given her masturbation techniques (she gets props for being precocious). I think you’d want to rub your tongue up and down on her sweet spot as opposed to side to side or circles.

As you experiment, give each technique enough time to sink in before switching to the next pleasure test. Would you be opposed to letting her hump your nose? Can you replicate the position she assumes when she’s masturbating? For instance, it’s easiest for me to cum when I’m lying down and my legs are straight and tense, though I can get off sitting on a friendly face or standing up, it just takes longer. If she trusts you enough, blindfold her - taking one of the senses away can heighten the others and make her more in tune with what you’re doing down there.

Whenever it does seem like you’ve hit your groove be patient (we’re talking 10-20 minutes, not 2) and consistent, using the same pressure as you ride the wave out. And one last hint: DON’T do an image search for the word “tongue.” It’s enough to kill your sex drive for a week.

Good luck to you and the lucky lass!

You know the drill. Send your questions (you all are so oral!) to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com