Animal Kingdom

This is Mr. Bean with fruit and boxes.

Holy crap I had no idea I was so trendy. We went and adopted three boy rats from a rescue situation, not knowing that this year is Year of the Rat. They are all named after blues musicians - Mr. Tater, Honeyboy Edwards, and Rufus.

I sure wish they were friendlier, but they are still skittish around us. I had visions of walking around with a rat on my shoulder and cuddling with them as we watched movies. Instead, they freak out and poop and make the living room smell bad.

But they are soo cute! They love to eat whatever we’re eating, and man is it cute to feed them and watch them eat, the cracker or whatever clutched in their cunning little hands. And they make these adorable chirping hiccup sounds and grind their teeth when they are happy.

Most people don’t know that 95% of all animal experiments are conducted on birds, rats and mice. These animals are exempt from the Animal Welfare Act, the only U.S. federal law that provides even minimal protection for animals in laboratories.

The other day I was in an Asian grocery store on Olive and saw a tank full of mussels, clams, and

- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? -

They were geoducks (pronounced “gooey ducks”). Geoducks are huge saltwater clams that look like elephant dicks with a decorative shell. The big trunk part is the siphon, or neck, of the clam. They eat plankton - they suck it down their siphon.

They usually weigh about three pounds, and can live to be 160 years old.

The geoduck is Evergreen State College of Olympia, Washington’s official mascot. Their motto? “Let it all hang out.”

Apparently, some people like to eat them, especially in the Chinese culture. Their siphon has a savory flavor and crunchy texture. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

I went back a couple days later and they were all gone.

There’s an emu who lives at the Longmeadow Ranch, Humane Society of Missouri’s large animal adoption center. He or she was probably an impulse buy at an exotic animal auction - they’re held every month in Missouri.

Emus are native to Australia, and are big flightless birds from the ratite family with primitive shaggy feathers and bright orangey/red eyes. They are omnivorous, eating insects, small animals, and plants.

The males tend the eggs, forgoing eating and defecating the eight weeks it takes for the eggs to hatch. The young stay with their father until they are old enough to go off on their own. They are full-grown (up to 100 lbs.!) by about a year old, and live 10-20 years in the wild.

It is wrong to club babies.

The other day my guy said to me, “You hear about peacocks and peahens, but is there a general name for the bird?” I said, “yes, they’re peafowl.”And the babies are called peachicks.

Peafowl are relatives to pheasants and come from India, Burma, Java. Ceylon, Malaya, and Congo. They can live to be 50 years old. A peacock will not have a fully developed tail until he’s about three years old. Eggs take about a month to hatch.

When I lived in Columbia I used to buy my eggs from a local farmer who kept chickens and peafowl. Peafowl were popular on plantation homes in the South back in the day. India blue is the most popular color of peafowl, but breeders crank them out in all different colors - green, piebald, cameo, bronze. Why anyone would tamper with the vivid jewel tones of the original wild type is beyond me.

If a peacock escapes it will readily revert back to the wild and take to the woods. Peafowl can fly short distances and will perch on roofs and in trees. They’ll take to hanging out with other wild game bird such as turkeys.

Last month we house sat for a friend who has a bearded dragon. In general, I don’t think it’s a good idea for the average person to keep reptiles in their house (or fish for that matter) because human ignorance means illness and death for these creatures. But my friend did her research, rescued the lizard from a neglectful situation, and the bearded dragon is one of the hardier breeds better suited for living in captivity.

Bearded dragons are super cool because they are laid back, mostly vegetarian, have cool names, and sport that kick ass fringe around their neck. Murphy the bearded dragon was very curious of his surroundings, and would regard us with a wise gaze. He lives in a big, custom built glass enclosure with room to climb, a top shelf, a dish of water, and a heat lamp. They are egg-laying desert creatures who hail from Australia. Full grown they can be  held with two hands.

Murphy’s favorite food was yellow pepper and romaine lettuce. He gets a vitamin powder sprinkled on his lettuce every couple days. He doesn’t drink water but will stand in it sometimes to absorb moisture. And he is a fiend for crickets. We bought a dozen and put them in there and he sprang to life (for the most part he just sits there). It was cool to watch him switch to high alert predatory mode, zooming in on a cricket and snatching it up with a quickness and gobbling it down. He ate at least six in a row. It was very cool to spend a few days with him and get to know his personality.

On a sidenote, have you heard of a guy named Henry Lizardlover? He’s a total freak who lives in California with over 30 lizards and uses them as chick magnets. He legally changed his name to Lizardlover and is mostly into iguanas. It’s cool that his mission is to spread awareness of lizards but is not advocating them as pets.

It’s that time of year again - adopt your Thanksgiving Turkey!

My dad is a professional pet sitter, so he has all these books on dogs and cats. One of them is called Dog Massage: A Whiskers-to-Tail Guide to Your Dog’s Ultimate Petting Experience.

The book is a trip - it describes massage techniques with names like “The Grand Effleurage,” “Hand Over Hand and Down We Go: A Two-Handed Double Delight,” “Base Fiddling,” “Spine Tingling,” “Gentle Rump Thumping,” “Farewell Flourishes,” “Breast Stroking,” “Dog Sandwich,” “Layla’s Luxurious Front-to-Back Caress,” “Crowning the King/Queen,” and “Let’s Do A Little Necking.”

Lest all these suggestive titles get you (or the dog) hot under the collar, the book does make one thing clear, stating sternly:

A dog’s private parts are just that - private - to be left alone and not to be touched by you.

I don’t care what they say - I’m going to try these massage techniques out on my man and see if I can get him to howl.