Why Am I Not Getting Laid? Happy
Filed under: Why Am I Not Getting Laid? - August 22, 2008 @ 6:00 amHere’s a male burlesque performer from NYC:
Name: Happy, Male, 40
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid (details!): Well, it was last year. Had a short fling with this girl. She was law student and very busy. She ended up dropping me. Probably my first real experience with cock worship, she was enthusiastic. I sure do miss her…
Your living arrangement: Apartment, with a roommate, she’s a good friend of mine.
Job situation: IT (Computers), it’s a job, I like it occasionally.
Fashion sense (what do you usually wear?): I could use help here, frankly. But usually I’m a tshirt and jeans kind of guy. If I had a little more money, I could be pretty flashy. Wearing a suit, and a wild one, is not unknown for me.
Grooming habits: I shower daily. I normally do not wear cologne. Strong scents hanging around my head like a cloud annoy me. I use natural anti-deoderant. I’ve been letting my hair grow out of late, so I use an amlika based hair product to keep it under control.
Do you floss regularly? Every couple of weeks, or when I feel like I need it. I have pretty good teeth.
Do you smoke? No. At least not tobacco. Mary jane socially.
Do you exercise regularly? Unfortunately I do not. This is likely my biggest problem. I do pay for gym membership, but I don’t regularly go. I going to get a bike soon and ride it around.
I guess I better add in other hobbies: I do, on occasion, perform burlesque. I’m one of those rare straight, male burlesque performers. But yet, this does not get me laid. Even if I’m hanging out with scantily clad women.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Too many to count. Well, in the case of other performers, often I don’t want the potential drama in my life. So I don’t pursue that as rigorously as I might. I do inquire on occasion, but I don’t come on strong at all. Some of girls I interact with are quite a bit younger than I am, so they are probably not interested. Another thing is I’m not sure what I want. I’ve played with the notion of polyamory, but that can turn off a lot of women, and I haven’t determined if I’m really wired that way. It’d be nice to have a girlfriend that I can possibly explore multiple paths with. But that commitment might require more than I want to give right now. I’m a late bloomer, too, so I don’t necessarily have the level experience that you might expect for someone my age. It does bother me. I would like to make up for lost time.
How’s your eye contact? Not good. I tend towards being shy. So, often I will not hold eye contact.
What kind of porn do you like? I don’t watch a lot of porn. But I don’t mind it, either. I watch just about anything. Along as it isn’t too violent. Probably prefer something more artistic… so if it is something like painted bodies that’d be cool. A mons pubis painted like a flower will get my attention. I like messy fun porn, too. Sploshing. Sometimes I don’t want to watch because it just reminds me of what I’m missing.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I’m probably kind of vanilla. If I have fetish, it’s just the female form. I like woman’s body. So body worship would be one fetish, it is something I could do, lick, kiss and massage from head to toe. That said, I’ve been kind of curious about the sploshing stuff, but I’ve never done anything in that vein, it just looks like a fun. And I think sex should be fun. If I could have sex in some sort of funhouse, that’d be cool. I’m curious about bondage, but generally I’m not a big fan of pain or blood.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I don’t know. I would like to try getting tied up sometime. If I learned how to do it right, I wouldn’t mind tying someone up and having my way with them. I want to experience both sides, so I guess that might make me a switch.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 6
Car you drive or means of transportation: Mass transportation, I live in NYC after all.
Financial situation: Paying the bills, barely.
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I still have an open mind on having kids. Although I’m starting to feel I’m getting a little too old for that. But if I had partner who really wanted kids, I probably wouldn’t object. I kind of don’t want to be an insta-dad, so I tend to shy away from women with kids.
Religion: Agnostic, almost an atheist.
Charity you would give money to: Volunteer fire companies, theater companies, Burlesque Hall of Fame…
Music you listen to: Just about everything. Jazz, classical, death metal, folksy, blue glass. Big preference to the blues. Not a big fan of country, unless it’s old country, or fringe stuff like Hank Williams 3.
Movies you have loved: Original Star Wars, Casablanca, Tampopo, Big Lebowski, most of the Coen brother stuff.
Do you like to read? Yes. Science fiction, to historical fact, to mystery, to BDSM erotica, it would seem…
How often do you watch television? Not very often. I do not own a TV.
Person you respect/admire: Tom Hanks
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): I haven’t really been in one. At least not for more than a couple of weeks.
Any physical issues: Little overweight, that’s pretty much it.
Weird habit: I don’t think so. But friends could disagree. I often masturbate more than once a day but I only do that someplace private.
The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Bravo for burlesque! But not for admiring Tom Hanks, that’s just too vanilla for me. 
Oh and you need to floss more.
So, you know, I’m starting to think that shyness is the #1 reason for not getting laid. We need to banish shyness. I used to be shy, but it got in the way of being a goddess. How is it that you can perform burlesque and be shy??
And I have something I need to tell you. I feel weird saying this out loud, but it is just an honest fact. You are a redheaded male.
NOBODY has a thing for redheaded men. You hear people raving about redhaired women til the cows come home, and you hear women say they have a thing for blond surfer types or tall, dark and handsome men, but you NEVER hear someone say, “Mmm, give me a redhaired guy any day.” If any of my readers disagree with this statement, then PLEASE speak up.
This means you are at a disadvantage, and you need your wit and charm to carry you into the arms of open-minded vixens who are willing to overlook the fact that you sport clown hair.
So bone up on your confidence. Don’t be so wishy washy - I edited out quite a few “kind of,” “a bit,” and “maybes” from your answers. Seems like you have great taste, are multi-faceted, and live in the city with the highest number of potential sex partners in the world.
Allow me to give you a sub task: In the next week, take the initiative and ask a woman out. And don’t be wimpy about it! It can even be online. I recommend you go for a strong, dominant type girl for maximum compatibility. I know there are plenty of those types in the wild world of burlesque. Va va VOOM!
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 am
I have always loved redheaded men, the more freckles the better. I am also partial to redheaded women too.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 am
Redheaded men make me swoon. I just adore them, and know many other women do too.
Bring some of the theatricality from the stage into your daily existence. Life is a cabaret after all.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 am
I also absolutely adore redheaded men. Give me a Boris Becker or a Josh Homme and there is instant wetness.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:58 am
OMG I am sooo happy to be reading this. COME OUT all of you people who dig redheaded guys.
ooh just found this ode to redheaded men on a fab gay blog
http://www.nightcharm.com/2008/01/04/flaming-hot-the-lure-of-redheaded-men/
oh and one more update - I talked to Happy and he’s thinking about starting a sex blog. I wonder how many people have started sex blogs and cultivated their kinky alter egos because of me…I love how almost everyone I know has a real name they present to everyone, and then an alias they share with those who can handle it…
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:28 am
I like redheaded men, and the Irish look in general. A side benefit is that if someone has red hair you pretty much know they were bullied as a child so they’re probably not a huge jerk. And I like jewfros too.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Pale, redheaded men. And oddly, I prefer them shy. So much more fun to be with and play with.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Rev Lion has a great big red beard… mmmmmmmmm
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
~lurks out of the corner~
I adore pasty red heads, men or women. They’re some of the most beautiful people in the world. And if they have striking eyes, I’m hooked…
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I have always had a thing for redheaded men! I never thought that redheads were so disliked. Beautiful, I think you’re a little off base with the stereotype.
But at least now Happy can see that the world isn’t totally against him.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Sarah, I am GLAD to be off base with this one. I dated a redhead dude with a jewfro and I got a lot of shit from it from my friends - you would have thought I was dating a one-eyed albino midget or something. God his hair was glorious - nothing like a mop of curls to grab onto…
So all you redheaded men, do you feel loved? Do people often tell you you have the look they go for? Do the people who flirt with you smirk and ask you if the carpet matches the curtains??
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
haha, as a redhead I avoid mating with other redheads. Our children would end up clear or something.
However, I have spotted a couple of really hot ones
And male burlesque? really? that’s amazing
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Gosh, I really feel for the guy! I agree that confidence is a main factor, and if he feels shy, maybe he should try to join some groups or meetups with his interests or something he is knowledgable about. So he already is at an advantage of something to talk about?
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Sub Task huh. Nice.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Red hair and LONG CURLY RED HAIR on men are two different things. Curly headed fellows in general should keep it short regardless of color. You don’t look hip, you look Orthodox.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I LOOOOOVE the Irish look, redheaded women and men. I also love freckles. Good luck Happy!
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Since we’re on the topic of redheads (I’m a redheaded female, by the bye): Have any of you heard or experienced the theory that redheaded women taste spicier? I once had a guy tell me this in complete sincerity (he liked it and was telling me why he wanted to ‘date’ me) and my only response was, “Really? I’ve never slept with a redhead so I wouldn’t know.”
So… Anyone here heard that?
And for the record, I think redheaded men are very attractive. Eric Stoltz? Yes, please.
Julianne Moore? Yes. Please.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 pm
TBK! I can’t believe, especially on the heels of saying, “I wonder how many people have [...] cultivated their kinky alter egos because of me…” you didn’t latch on to the SUB-TASK of doing your fetish checklist! Gawds, woman, I think shyness is not actually the biggest problem here. I think it’s that our dear Happy doesn’t actually know WTF he wants! As a bonus, figuring it out will make him less shy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I am a redhead too! Actually, the top went brownish around puberty. I still sport some pretty fiery pubes though! My partner definitely gets a kick out of those.
And who can forget that scene out of Tom Robbins’ “Still Life With Woodpecker”? Well okay, probably most people
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Redhead men are sexy. I agree with Buffy, keep it short. I saw this siteGinger Men Are Sexy
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:33 am
Tom Hanks is a total douche. I stopped reading when I saw that shit. No wonder you’re not getting laid.
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:29 am
Sunday, I followed YOUR sub task and sent Happy a fetish checklist.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
Happy, you need to get off your ass and get a workout in. It will flood with you self-confidence, testosterone and endorphins. If you go to the right place, it will also put you near scads of attractive women.
Best of Luck!
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Those fiery locks and piercing eyes… drool.. one of my favorite sex partners of all time was an artistic quiet shy oh so sexy red haired god. When I got a hold of him, I was 20 he ws 28 and…. a Virgin. It was the shyness and the company he kept that hindered his sexual development prior to my arrival. His very best friend was a year or so older than him and also a virgin. I was immediately attracted to him and uncharacteristically forward. His shyness made me question his interest at times. His body language would have him pulling away when he would get nervous. Im so glad I was forward! We had a good two years together.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
… and in reference to having a second name… ::giggles:: That wonderous second life.. secret to some, fun for others
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Okay, obviously I’m going to have to come to defense of my choice of Tom Hanks as an admirable fellow. Now, I’ll admit off hand that I haven’t done a rigorous analysis of Tom Hanks. I don’t really know all his opinions on all things. Has he done anything or said anything that I should really know about? Is he a closeted nazi? Or a Veenu worshiping $cientologist? He seems to be a normal guy that loves his wife. I don’t see anything particularly wrong with that. As far as celebrities goes he seems to be one of the most level headed and normal guys out there. Perhaps we wouldn’t agree on everything, but he does seem like a guy who’d be fine to have a beer with, which is just about all I need to admire a guy. If I can have a beer and I don’t want to punch you by the time I finish my glass, you’re okay by me.
BTW, I happened to be in the audience of Avenue Q when Tom Hanks went with his wife. He seemed to be very cordial and was happy to greet fans during the intermission. There was no tirade or spectacle of any kind. Perhaps you folks need to do a little soul searching before you label him a douche.
And besides, he endorsed Barack Obama. Another plus for Tom Hanks in my book, frankly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SXpWIAJM00
August 24th, 2008 at 10:17 am
“he does seem like a guy who’d be fine to have a beer with, which is just about all I need to admire a guy. If I can have a beer and I don’t want to punch you by the time I finish my glass, you’re okay by me.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA
OK fine Happy, you have me convinced. We’ll forget about Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail and focus on the positive.
August 24th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
This man needs a confidence boost! Somebody hot in NYC needs to find him and fuck his brains out.
I know a few girls who like redheaded guys. They dig the freckles.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
The ONLY physical feature that would be an absolute turn on for me is red hair on a guy! HOTT!!
August 25th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
you wanna focus on the positive, then lets talk BIG, his greatest role. i was a young kid trying to adjust in my own way, BIG helped my generation cope with the fucked up, rigorous torture known as childhood in Babylon…….
I am just recently dealing with the Red Head thing. I am a blond, but i am red also in my pube/ beard hair. Some redheads are ugly, some aren’t, just like every other flavor. That goes for men and women……
If there is a flavor, then there is someone out there who loves it!!!!!!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Yeah, definitely, BIG is one of Hank’s best roles.
I still have a soft spot in my heart for Turner & Hooch…
August 26th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Happy you are so cute… did you start that sex blog yet??
September 9th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I did, for better or for worse. It’s at http://fortysex.blogspot.com/