Feast of the Assumption
Filed under: Eros - August 14, 2008 @ 6:00 am
August 15 is Feast of the Assumption, a Catholic holiday celebrating the Virgin Mary, so I asked (ok, I begged) The Virgin if we could have a date that night. It would be SOO perfect!! Check out this quote from wikipedia:
“When I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am, there you may be also.”
Unfortunately, he is out of town that weekend, but he suggested alternate dates, stay tuned for that.
Anyway, I was bummed to miss out on this holiday, so I went on okcupid to look for another virgin. Cuz I need a new hobby, and breaking in virgins sounds like more fun than rollerblading.
I went on a quick cougar hunt and sniffed out a 22 yr old kid who looks like Harry Potter and listed himself as extremely shy and that he was open to answering any questions. He seemed so sheltered and inexperienced, I KNEW he was a virgin. I’m getting so good at this intuitive shit, I could pass myself off as psychic.
So I dropped him a line:
I saw on your profile that you are super shy and that you are open to answering any question. So I have to ask, are you a virgin? I am guessing that you are, and that is totally fine…
He wrote back this big long message, here is an excerpt:
Hello, yes I am a virgin. Is it that easy to tell? HA. It’s actually even worse than that. I’ve never even been in a relationship before or been on a date. Also there is a really innocent and naive quality about me. Actually I just drank my first beer last year and have only been to one party and two bars. So yes I’m completely inexperienced in everything.
Holy crap, getting with him would be like getting with a 12 yr old, only LEGAL. I wrote back:
Thanks for the thoughtful answer. Say, would you like to give your virginity to me on Aug 15? The only catch is you can’t get attached to me. It’d be a very special experience. I’m a Free Love kinda cougar. I’m disease free.
He wrote back:
I don’t really know what to say. I’ve never been asked this before. I might need to think things over.
I haven’t heard back from him since. Gosh, do you think he’s in a mental hospital now? Should I feel bad? The window of opportunity is lost at this point - will he be kicking himself for years to come? Poor fella.
So yeah, I have to come up with something else blog-worthy for Friday night. Any ideas?
August 14th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Current date - Aug 14. Don’t give up hope!
Tom
August 14th, 2008 at 7:40 am
If this kid doesn’t take you up on your generous offer, I hope he mentally kicks his own ass for the rest of his life.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:55 am
More than likely he doesn’t know who she is, and sometimes the comfort of being alone is easier than the comfort in another’s arms.
Beautiful, I personally think you should still commemorate the Feast of the Assumption by sneaking your religious dildo into a church and fuck it during a service. God I love fucking in churches!
August 14th, 2008 at 9:12 am
TBK you scared the poor boy out of his wits. Hell, you scare me sometimes and I’ve been at this since I was 10, not much can do that. Oh well, at least he has something to talk about with his buddies while playing World of War Craft and smiting evil Ogres.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Rockabilly Boy,
You know, I’ve heard that a lot lately. Are awesome super sorceress sexual powers really that scary? HA HA HA
I think what I need is to be with someone who scares ME for a change…
August 14th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Holy virginity, TBK. I bet the poor kid isn’t sure what to do with the boner thou hast begat! Scared or not, you can be sure that he’s waxing his wand with thoughts of you. Hell, maybe he has other friends with a similar affliction.
You could have a virgin orgy.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:56 am
BOO!!!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I’d worry about him being clingy! Seeing as how you’d be his first EVERYTHING…. YIKES…. little more to think about there than just breaking him in.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Virgin Orgy, NICE!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Hey, if your still looking for a virgin i would be a willing subject. I didn’t end up getting laid in London, and i am more or less in the same boat i was when you interviewed me for Why your not getting laid. You would get your blogable Friday night and i get to loss my virginity to a cougar every one WINS!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
What about rollerblading on Friday night?
(be sure to use protection!)
August 14th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I think there should be some special dating site where cougars and male virgins can go for these types of things. Seriously, I think this type of generosity could solve a lot of the world’s problems:)
August 14th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Someone that scares you? Come to Seattle.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Yep, JB is the real deal, a certified genuine virgin, you can see his WAINGL here
http://www.thebeautifulkind.com/2008/01/10/why-am-i-not-getting-laid-jb/
JB, do I get a free paddle if I fuck you?
Matt Savage - I TOTALLY AGREE. Yep, that settles it, I am a selfless revolutionary.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Mmmmmmmm….slutty nuns.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:53 am
His loss… my gain. I could pretend to be a virgin….
August 14th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I actually have a paddle for you done i just totally forgot to ship it out when i got home… so i suppose the that would be a yes!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Yep, the cat’s out of the bag - Big Boy snatched me up for Fri night fun. Can’t wait to see what kind of mischief we will get into. In his own words: “I can be a filthy, deranged pervert with the best of them (oh lord, you have no idea how kinky I can be), but I’m a gentleman first and foremost. =)”
JB, I’ll have to discuss details with you later, and shame on you for not shagging Brit chicks!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:25 am
hey i worked on it, but all ended up with was a hand job in public (with in viewing distance of the lovely British girls father no less), but that’s a story for later.
PS: Have a good time Big Boy!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Wow, that’s just like line jumping on the “Fuck You” List or a some sort of carnal carnival game where you hit the target and win a prize. What a prize too!
Have a decadent time. And keep in mind: you can’t spell Assumption w/o ass.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:53 am
O
M
G
I can’t get over all the emails I’ve received this morning from friends offering up their token virgin friend!!! I feel like a Queen overseeing ritual sacrifices.
LOVE IT.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Oh… Sounds like Capn Marrrrrk is a little hurt! I’m sure you’ll get your chance! lol
August 14th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Ha, no, Capn Marrrk is not hurt - I told him I wanted to add him to the Fuck You list but he politely declined. He DID help me move, though, the quirky dear, and he IS YATBK NEXT WEEK!!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
“Quirky” I like it. Kwa sounds good in the mouth. Say it: Kwa, Kwa, Kwa …Having met Beautiful in person, I have to say I would jump (I mean slyly seduce) Beautiful in a New York Second, but I’m monogamously married and don’t want to risk it with what would certainly frollicsome, somewhat messy, bitey, laugh-fueled mutual worship session at the Temple of Eros. But thanks anyway. It’s an offer that makes me warm just thinking about it.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
saturday is my birthday, maybe u could give the LION a present after midnight……
my flat screen computer monitor blew out, so i am back online now with a classic tube monitor, how retro.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
anything to get a fix, eh there Lion? I hear ya!
August 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Breaking in virgins… damn where were you when I was.. oh you weren’t born yet…….
this post had me literally laughing…
uhh
I am available if you want a more mature kind of guy by the way..
August 14th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
BOO!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
You’re going to frighten the horses and spook the mare…
August 14th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Hmmmmm….I assume the okcupid guy doesn’t know about your blog…you should send him a link to show him just what he missed out on!!!
August 15th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Oh good lord, what have I gotten myself into here? =)
I just hope I can live up to the task of showing you a good time!
August 16th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Whats’ up! I see you ben a busy hooka since I ben gone. You probly wont’ be clean for long honey, you keep messin with those strange boys. I saw what you said about me eatin yo pussy! You crazy as hell girl! Diva dont’ eat no pussy! I like dick! Big small fat skinny. I dont’ give a fuck. Just give me dick!! Ass pussy mouth! Shit! only if I now the nigga and where he been. I swallow his stuff but dont’ let that nigga get used to it. He be askin for my shit more than he does now. Just so you now I did let a white bitch eat my pussy once but that was a wile back. Who gives a fuck its my pussy! I do what I wantto with it.
ED
August 17th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
For what it’s worth, my trip ended up so badly that I should have done this instead.
And on another note, haha. http://www.bwog.net/uploads/harry.jpg
August 17th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
My #1 Virgin: I TOLD YOU SO!!! If you don’t know by now, I’ll go ahead and tell you: I’m a better option than………………anything. DUH
Ah well, we still have our time to look forward to…anticipation is half the fun……..!!
Dream of me tonight….
August 17th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
PS: That pic link - that is the story of MY LIFE these days… hot damn…
August 24th, 2008 at 11:55 am
-shakes head mournfully- that boy missed the opportunity of a lifetime. Poor poor guy
Can I see your OKcupid profile? I love to see what tests others take. I’m chaoslost there as well