Last Night with Beau
Filed under: Eros - July 24, 2008 @ 6:00 am
Did last night mark my final intimate encounter with Beau? If so, we went out with a bang.
He surprised me with a new red vegan flogger. He stripped me naked and ran it over my curves, all tickly and shivery, and then swatted my pussy with it, harsh and swift.
He wrapped it around my neck and choked me with it. Trust co-mingled with fear. I couldn’t breathe; I stared wordlessly into his eyes.
He took the People Cutter and raked my flesh, over and over.
He pried my mouth open and fucked my face.
He made me call him Sir, and every time I failed to do so, he slapped my face. {His cock gets soo hard when he roughs me up…}
He pounded me doggy style and made me cum that way, after eating me to orgasm.
We finished our kink session with a glass dildo up his ass as I blew him. I gagged on his cum, it was so thick in my throat.
As we lay there dirty, winded, and fluid bonded, he held me in his arms and said quietly, “I want you to be my wife. Please move back in. We can swing and grow old together.”
My heart ached and tears welled in my eyes. “Honey, you are monogamous, and I am polyamorous. I don’t think swinging is a good compromise for either one of us.”
“I’m not sure what I am anymore,” he exclaimed bitterly. “I’ve had so many new concepts and discoveries about myself the past few months…if you can be patient with me, I’m sure we can find other couples to explore. I think I would enjoy it.”
I stroked the hair on his chest. “There is someone better for you out there than me,” I finally said. I believe this.
“And what about you?” he asked passionately in the dark. “Are you going to be a 60-year-old slut? Are you going to be a slave to your sex drive? Aren’t you worried about ending up alone? You won’t be able to find someone who cares for you the way I do and be OK with you fucking other guys.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” I told him. I felt wretched. I knew I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Once again I found myself wondering if what I had to offer a lover was a gift or a curse.
It was so late. As I drifted fitfully off to sleep, he whispered, as he did every night, “Good night, Beautiful.”
When I woke in the morning, he was gone.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:14 am
That is fucking DEEP! I hate to say it but I think TBK is dead right, I’ve resisted saying it before but based on everything I’ve read, you two just aren’t meant to be. You are both good people and thats what you like about each other but your lifestyles will probably never match. Beau is certainly no dummy but I think he’s just confused right now and not sure what to do. Beau, be totally honest, wouldn’t you like to have something at least CLOSE to what you had before?
July 24th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Aw. This is so beautiful and sad.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Ouch.
Belle feels like an accessory.
I am reading this in my new apartment. For the sake of honesty, I begged to stay with Beau, and he said I needed to leave. He said being alone and single in my own apartment by myself would be a growing experience.
I have no doubt that he is right, but I can’t help that I feel somewhat like a tool.
When I moved in with Beau and Beautiful, I assumed when Beau spoke of commitment and 50 years that he meant both of us.
I never imagined that if Beautiful wanted to leave the relationship, Beau would kick me out and then beg for Beautiful to come back to him.
Perhaps my take on things is a little skewed or I don’t have all of the information. I don’t know, I have not spoken with either of them at length about relationships since I moved out.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:45 am
It’s just so sad. I’m sad for all three of you. Belle feels used, Beautiful feels unworthy, and Beau is crushed. I just wanna hug all three of you individually and cry.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Comfy, I couldn’t have said it better. I feel the same way.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Belle, perhaps Beau saw you as part of the reason for TBK’s change. I think this would have happened with or without you, maybe you just sped it up a bit.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Belle, I have no doubt that they each loved you and still do. Of course, I only know what I’ve read, but I would hope that you would have even more reason to believe that they do.
And TBK,
I knew I couldn’t live up to his expectations.
that must have been extremely painful for you to admit out loud. You’ve got real strength, even if you are doubting yourself right now.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Oh I know they love me, you don’t have this kind of experience together and not love each other in some capacity. I also expected us all to love each other in different ways.
Dor, you hit the nail on the head.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I can only say a resounding “OUCH”! This was RockabillyGirl and I’s situation not 7mths ago and the similarities are striking!
I am not afraid to say that reading this brought tears to my eyes and a pain to my chest. I feel for Beau since I acted and reacted in many the same ways, just hang in there my friend, new friends and experiences are on the way.
As for Belle, You personify who RockabillyGirl was in our triad and she felt much the same way even though she was my primary. (NOTE: never did I ever see either of my lovers as a secondary or primary, but am using the labels for clarification.) Belle, please for the sake of your own sanity and closure I would suggest at least communicating when you feel appropriate. Otherwise, you know the story , concocted scenarios, wishful thinking, lost hope, etc……..
Now to Beauty. Girl! I have had a love\hate relationship with you since I started reading your blog, for several reasons. But I now understand the the most important thing is being true to one’s self and you are the role model for many of us when it comes to that. I can honestly say, PLEASE! don’t ever change.
RockabillyGirl and I wish the best for all of you and please,PLEASE, don’t forget “LOVE CONQUERS ALL” just not always the way we want it to.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:46 am
TBK- you are doing a wonderful job of surviving, being strong, even if it breaks your own heart….
Belle- You’ve got the biggest balls of em all.
Beau-what a valiant man…..we all feel ya bro……
This is all normal chaos for a big breakup, it does take a while to heal, work through things. You still have to “throw the ball back and forth” a few times.
Beautiful story by the way, very moving……
COMFY- I agree with your words, too……….
July 24th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Dear Beau,
“The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held on to.” ~by Noelle P.
To Belle,
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
~by Gilda Radner
To Beautiful,
You wrote: “Once again I found myself wondering if what I had to offer a lover was a gift or a curse.”
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Love to all three of you, you each will find your path to happiness, this I have no doubt of.
~Joy~
July 24th, 2008 at 10:19 am
It’s been very amazing and insightful, TBK, for you to share this part of your life with the world. It’s been a fun (and shockingly familiar) read.
I wish you the best and look forward to becoming immersed in your new adventures.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I have no wisdom to add to this post, but my sympathy and empathy are sending invisible waves towards you all.
Belle-Do not hit yourself on the head nor feel superfluous, I’m sure you are just as important to the triad as the rest of the parts. You’ll learn a lot about your self in your new pad. TRANS-AMMMMMMMMM!
Beau-I dub thee Dr. Mensch. Holy Shit…
Beauty-I doubt very much what you have to offer is Curse. The world doesn’t work that way. The gift of Self Awareness and new experience is always a blessing even when if growth hurts.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
“Are you going to be a 60-year-old slut?”
Of everything I’ve read about the breakdown of the triad (why do they call it a breakup? It’s not…), I think this question here sort of personifies why this particular triad could not flourish.
If Beautiful is anything like me - and from what I’ve read here over the last few years, I think she is - then I’m guessing when posed this question, a little voice in her head said, “Damn, I sure hope so…”
That’s not a cheeky response, either. It is, at least in my book, an honest aspiration. I’m a damn good slut hovering near 40. I expect to be a well-seasoned and damn fine slut when I hit 60. It is a badge worn with pride.
I could not maintain a life long relationship with someone who could not understand and embrace that. I could not have remained married to my wonderful husband if he had ever demanded I curb my “sluttish” ways.
But then, I don’t think being a slut has bupkus to do with how many people you fuck - I think any woman (or man) who embraces their own sexuality completely, who can express and explore their own sexual needs honestly and who can throw themselves into a sexual experience with abandon and joy is someone who has earned the “right” to be a slut.
And I know for me, there’s a lot of pride in that.
I had to find someone who had an equal slut-factor to my own. I think that’s true for all of us. Whatever level of sluttiness we embrace, it’s only going to work if our partner(s) are on the same page.
It sounds like maybe Beau, Belle and Beautiful weren’t really even in the same book. And that’s OK. I love it when stories intersect each other, even for a little while. Something new and unique is created, and that can’t really be a bad thing.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
“Are you going to be a 60-year-old slut? Are you going to be a slave to your sex drive? Aren’t you worried about ending up alone? You won’t be able to find someone who cares for you the way I do and be OK with you fucking other guys.”
This quote explains why they should not be together. He has been, on the surface, very glad for her openness, since it has benefited him quite a lot. But very deep down, the sluttishness rips him apart and he disrespects her for it on some level.
As for worrying about ending up alone - I’d rather be free, happy and independent than frustrated and shackled to somebody who stifled me.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
sometimes we think we know what we really want and then we find out later we don’t. keep the doors of communication open.
Beau–i very much admire your willingess to compromise, to try and make things work for you both
TBK–your unrepenting honesty is an awesome force
Belle–your courage in speaking up about feeling like an “accessory” touches us all
love, true love, isn’t always an easy road.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Some of this shit sounds like it belongs on a Hallmark card!
July 24th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
All three of you are amazing. I cannot comprehend the honesty all of you have with eachother and us. Knowing you personally is an honor.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Belle - Straight up, you were the belle of this ball and you deserved to be treated as such. Maybe not in this relationship, but somewhere. Love and respect yourself and remember - you are special.
I have to agree with Sapph and Manj - why the heck people want to use words to wound is beyond me. Yucky yucky yucky.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
No no I don’t think he meant to be hurtful, remember slut is not a bad word to me. I think he is genuinely worried about me and my future. He is a caregiver/protector…
July 24th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
the romantic in me refuses to believe that your paths won’t intertwine this closely later in life. he loves you. and you love him, despite his monogamy (i think).
July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Let’s all please keep in mind here that inflection doesn’t come across very well in writing. Mostly something is read in the voice in which the reader would like it to be read. BEAU IS A GREAT GUY, that goes without saying. I am certainly not trying to say you shouldn’t speak on the subject or form an opinion about it. A lot of us have been here (on the website) for the whole thing and do have a decent grasp of it. The things we don’t know are sometimes the most important.
All the Best!!!
July 24th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
tbk. don’t be scared.
i have, more than once, ended a relationship because i was scared of how big it was. you and beau have seen a lot.
go slow, but don’t count him out. it is hard to find someone that sees all of you and is okay with it.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I couldn’t even read all the comments. This post made me cry. Love can be *so* hard if you let it be. I’m so proud of and sad for all three of you.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
@Belle: I’d feel the same way, as if an accessory.
@TBK: Sad and tragically beautiful post…
@B Diddle: You are absolutely right: Beau IS a great guy.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Oh. My. God. His plea for your hand gave me gooseflesh and the last line left me breathless. I wish there was a way you two could match up without having to relinquish so much. My tummybox is in shambles.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Doesn’t anyone listen to Loveline? Classic traumatic childhood issues makes her run away from real intimacy and engage in relationships which can never last. Swinging, triads, polyamorous all guarantee that you’ll never have real intimacy. That’s more frightening than anything. You have a chance for something good. Don’t run away from it.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:46 am
You have your chance to be Queen Bee and embrace your sexuality. Not many of us have such compassionate lovers who are willing to share. You are worthy of Beau’s love. Take a risk.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
HEY EVERYBODY……
the truth is - TBK is the therapist, she knows all……
I know that sometimes even therapists need therapy, BUT y’all are talking to the Queen Slut Goddess………
I know she loves all the comments, but I honestly don’t think she needs much guidance. She follows the FORCE . . . .
We ALL need to remember who we are talking to here…….
She’s like a God…….in ancient times, TBK would definitely be the queen of the village……maybe a healer as well.
i am just trying to offer my personal insight for everybody………………
Much Love……
July 25th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Depth of pain doesn’t equal depth of love.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
So much to say… once again thank you for all the invaluable insight. I feel a lot of this coming straight from your hearts, very touched.
Yes, I had a traumatic childhood but I find it curious that I’m the only non-monogamous person in my immediate family (parents and 4 siblings). And I think polyamory offers an even deeper opportunity for intimacy. I love. A lot.
I feel like at age 35 I’m finally figuring my shit out - what kind of relationship works for me, and what I need to do to in order to be healthy and happy. For the longest time I was wandering aimless and confused. My heart and mind didn’t match up to society expectations.
In our society you’re supposed to go to college, find a mate, have a career, settle down, have kids. I thought I was a failure for not following that path. But I’ve finally figured out (epiphany!) that is not for me, and I can relax and let it go. Only now are things finally falling into place. I’m excited for my future. I have lots of !! ideas and plans that I will be rolling out here on the blog. Just you watch.
I feel a connection to women in history like Anais Nin, Isadora Duncan, Josephine Baker, Clara Bow - women who lived rich, beautiful and unconventional lives, women who had their share of pain but also unparalleled joy as they lived life on their own terms.
In ancient times I may have been queen of the village, but in olden days I probably would have been burned at the stake.
Love,
TBK xoxo
July 25th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
When you grow up different from most people, surprise, surprise, you’re going to BE different from most people. I have to live a pretty different life from the average person to be happy, nothing to do with sex with me though. TBK, would you say that your immediate family members each have a form of escape?
July 25th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Dor,
Not really.
My dad loves people and is a helper.
My mom is crazy, so that is her escape, but she can’t help it.
My brother is a retail manager and married with two kids.
My sister is closest to me and I admire her greatly - she worked her ass off to become a librarian, moved across the country, is fabulously talented and fiercely strong.
My brother works at a grocery store and plays video games and drinks beer with his wife.
My sister is a manager at a gym and lives with her boyfriend and desperately wants to marry him.
July 25th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Very interesting, how many kids in your family were molested?
July 25th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
3 that I know of, Dr. Dor
July 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
This sort of thing does bring out the pseudo psychiatrist in me, Im also a pseudo intellectual!
July 25th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Sidenote: Randy Pausch died today. See his last lecture here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184
July 25th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
“Swinging, triads, polyamorous all guarantee that you’ll never have real intimacy.”
That is a false statement and I can guarantee that because Rockabilly Boy and I are proof that it is possible. We have the most awesome intimacy of any relationship I’ve ever had and also have intimate friendships and relationships that we have maintained on different levels for almost 14 years.
I also don’t believe that everyone who wants an alternative lifestyle or relationship came from a traumatic childhood. Again, I offer myself and Rockabilly Boy as examples. We both grew up in “normal midwest farm families” and are still very close today.
From the day we met, we both feel we have more love than can be contained in one monogamous relationship. We yearn for another to love the way we love each other, I don’t think that’s running away. Maybe Loveline needs to get multiple perspectives before spouting off generalizations that are absolute.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I have one thing to say., Dor you are an dumb ass n$^&ga. You dont’ now a damm thing about nothing. Get a clue and stay out of everyone elses’ business. You are so far up that girls’ ass that you could be her voice. You think you are. Have some sympathy for everyone you dumb ass honky. I’m with you Beau. You my negro. I understand TBK but damn girl have a heart. Your pussy aint’ gonna get you everything you want. But if you was EBONY DIVA stay with the man any way you can. If you listen to idiots like DOOR to much you may end up a cold heartless dried up old hag with nobody to love. Keep your man!! His heart is your heart girl. Get your head out of the way. ED
July 25th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Thanks for the news about Randy Pausch, I hadn’t heard. A perfect example of living one’s life to the fullest, it’s certainly too short to do anything else!
July 25th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
“I feel a connection to women in history like Anais Nin, Isadora Duncan, Josephine Baker, Clara Bow - women who lived rich, beautiful and unconventional lives, women who had their share of pain but also unparalleled joy as they lived life on their own terms.”
Thank GAWD you didn’t say Ayn Rand!
July 25th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Lokey, um no.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
You know, what I guess is hard for me to understand, is why someone would give up on at least a sure chance at true honest love in the hopes of finding several? I’m truly not judging anyone’s decision, just very curious.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Ebony Diva, am I a nigga or a honky, I cant possibly be both. Back off that crack pipe baby, one more hit and your a walking salad bar.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
The word your is the possessive form of you, referring to something that a person has, or something that belongs to the person in discussion [or, the person you are talking to].
You’re is a contraction, or a combination of the words you and are. Other examples of contractions include doesn’t, they’re, and can’t.
TBK, since the last serious “closer to monogamous” relationship ended abruptly I thought that maybe you were growing towards a regular with fun on the side. Maybe challenging yourself. Whatever happens, do what is right, not what seems easier. You’ve felt this close to monogamy before and turned away, just don’t knock it before you try it. It could be a new experience this time around.
July 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
lady_zoya - I hope I’m not too forward in responding to your question.
Poly people don’t look at love as a commodity - you can only give or get so much of it. That is a very monogamist viewpoint (and I’m not knocking, just trying to explain the difference.)
Poly people understand for themselves that loving one person does not mean you will never love someone else, and that finding love with other people actually increases the love for everyone - in the right setting.
So to me at least, TBK isn’t giving up a “sure chance” at tru love hoping for several. She already knows in her heart she can and will love other people besides Beau. Like she loves Belle. And she can’t give up that part of her anymore than we can stop breathing.
I hope I wasn’t putting words in your mouth, TBK. I just think you and I get the same things.
July 26th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Thanks ahem, I do know the difference and realized I did that only after hitting submit.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Mon-Mon, beautifully said. Thank you.
July 27th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Thank you for the explanation. Again, I wasn’t trying to offend. Seriously just trying to comprehend and understand.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
this is a late comment coming, but that just tore my heart out. All of it. I feel like I have been in a similar situation to each one of you at different points in my life.
Feeling like a toy that has lost it’s novelty
Feeling like my only chance at happiness no longer wanted to be with me
And Feeling like I was rendering the most painful and selfish fate upon another.
The more love is expended, the more tragic the ending can be. My heart goes out to all of you. And broke a little for each of you.
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Just now catching up–TBK, your words about little ole me mean a lot. So thanks.
And readers: I have known TBK my whole life. She has never been stronger, more self-aware or more beautiful. This blog is one of the few places in the world where I can find complete honesty. So refreshing!
August 17th, 2008 at 1:57 am
This is one of the most beautiful things I ever read, and so familiar. I also had to end a relationship with a man knowing I would never be happy or make him happy as myself. I feel like I’ve had this conversation. TBK, you truly are so beautiful. I just hope you know how much you have helped people with this blog, being open with everything and exposing yourself in this way.