The Triad: Why It Imploded
Filed under: Triad - July 15, 2008 @ 6:00 am
We knew what we were getting ourselves into. We knew we were taking a risk. We were brave. Pretty much all of the comments on this post say it all, thank you, collective sweet voice.
I gathered up all the triad posts and put them under one category. I am in NO way suggesting you go back and read them all, but if you click on that link and skim down, you capture all the good and the bad. (Psst, remember this suggestive pic?)
I’m going to try and quickly summarize what went down from my perspective so I don’t put you to sleep droning on and on. I might be off base with some of this; more reflection is definitely in order. Also, Beau and Belle are welcome to post their own points of view, either in a comment or blog post.
The reason why the triad didn’t work is because both Belle and I wanted to be Queen Bee. We both wanted the lion’s share of Beau. We’re both high needs, emotionally and physically. Beau encouraged us to go to each other for any unmet needs, but it didn’t work. I wanted to try and add to the relationship to spread things out and give us breathing room, but Beau wasn’t comfortable with anything beyond cuddling. So that left me feeling frustrated and not knowing my place.
Belle is dom and I am sub, but I was there first and am older. This made it very confusing for me. Usually I’m very confident and secure, but I was definitely out of my element sharing my man 24/7 with someone else (I’m very good at sharing part time). And things HAD to be equal, there was no way any of us could play second fiddle. Belle pointed out in an earlier comment that she loved spending time with me, and she loved spending time with Beau, but the three of us together felt… odd. I totally agree.
So we spent countless hours discussing the dynamic and trying to come up with a solution that would work. We spent so much time discussing the triad that we didn’t have time to ENJOY ourselves. We didn’t tie each other up or talk about philosophy any more. Instead of cooking a nice meal together, we would spend an evening beating a dead horse and ordering a pizza. We were exhausted.
Finally, I decided that since I was more polyamorous in nature than they were, I would remove myself from the relationship and give them a go at being happy as a couple. Beau and I were very happy and solid as a couple before. I knew how awesome it could be.
Then Beau dropped a bombshell on us that if the triad broke up, he wanted both of us to leave so he could clear his head and start over. I think at some point he started to see us more as a unit and less as two individuals. I also think he couldn’t bear for it to seem like he chose one of us over the other. Oh, and all this went down on his 40th birthday. SUCK!
Again, I could go on and on and might to add to this in the comments section or in another post, but that’s it in a nutshell. Things are raw right now and dust is still settling, but we all love each other very much and intend to maintain relationships with one another.
Beau did do one annoying thing - the day after he dumped me, he mopped the kitchen floor, something I had been asking him to do for three months. As we all know, it is a huge turn on when a man cleans. So there I was, all shell shocked and smelling that fresh clean floor smell and getting aroused. Dammit.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Oh. Good luck! (That is not meant to be cynical.)
July 15th, 2008 at 7:03 am
aw guys, I’m sorry. I can imagine the confusion between two women. Women are competitive beings, it is our nature. I have to say that I am the most heartbroken for beau. The poor thing has had a whirlwind year (guessing a time frame) following the death of his wife and I can’t imagine all the emotions and questions rolling through his head.
Sending good thoughts all around.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Crap. I totally agree with sorry, beautiful but WHY do women have to be competitive creatures? Why? It’s what happened in my triad too. My ex-gf wanted what she imagined I had - top status? because I was there first. I couldn’t help it that I was there first, and she couldn’t help it that she resented it. Resentment = implosion.
I’m sorry for you all. Truly.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I have to say that between me being a bitch and Belle having a strong personality, I’m amazed we didn’t get more competitive or resentful. Respect is fully intact on all fronts.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out perfectly for you three. You’ve given me much food for thought. I still think I might want to give a triad a chance someday, but your situation has given me a good deal of insight on the meshing of personalities. I’ll always consider my reading here a learning experience, not that I’m gonna quit reading. I’ve grown attached to the three of you through the blogs and I hope all works out happily in time for you.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am
For sure! I don’t mean for this to be a cautionary tale, but to share what worked and what didn’t work. I’ve learned a lot about myself from this experience. I will continue to experiment with non-monogamy and find a happy balance.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Am I the only one who finds the timing of this odd, I mean, the Beau and B-diddle go on a long trip. They spend lots of time with each other, Beau asks B-Diddle the question, “Hey wanna be a finger puppet?” They come back and now the ladies are moving out! Hmmm
July 15th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Well this is surprising! You all three did seem to be good matches for one another initially (the last I spent time with any of you) and all of you seemed so determined and sure of it/yourselves I thought it would work for you.
Sorry that it did not work out, though. Are other poly adventures in any or all of your futures? Or still to raw to determine that?
July 15th, 2008 at 10:52 am
i’m really sorry for your loss. i’m glad all three of you worked it out in a respectful way and talked it through.
i hope you’re doing alright, it must have been tough to lose them both at once.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Dor- OMG……i can’t stop laughing…..
TBK, Beau, Belle- We all love you very much…..the wisdom of the triad has opened many doors in many ways for more people than you’ll ever know…..
Your shared strength will echo for many years……
I have an announcement, I want to graciously thank TBK for helping me free my mind enough, and loosen me up enough for me to have the balls to talk with my girlfriend about polygamy, a topic i have gone over with her year after year.
my girlfriend and i have agreed to an OPEN REALTIONSHIP ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
She and i now understand each others needs to such a degree, that she knows i love her unconditionally, and that we can both love more than one person, if that’s what we need.
she and i have realized the only way to keep the LION tame, is to let him(me) love the whole pride.
I can honestly say that TBK and the triad in general have helped me see that balance is vital. secrets are poison, and above all, YOU MUST, WORK THE KINKS OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beau - Thank you
Belle - Thank you
TBK - I bow to you, Thank you………………………
July 15th, 2008 at 11:04 am
(slyly) I think Beautiful and B-Diddle should hook up.
welcome to Polyworld, spin the wheel wheeeeeeeeee! can’t wait to see what happens next, every end has a new beginning tra la la.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:15 am
The shittiest things have a tendency of happening exactly when they hurt most. But then again, the most painful of experiences also teach us the most. Keep on going Beautiful!
Hope that all will end up ok.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Aww poor Beau! Are there any normal women left out there for him?? I hope he keeps blogging on this site. Or somewhere! We love you Beau!!!
July 15th, 2008 at 11:23 am
watch out TBK, Rev Lion is off the leash!!! And it looks like he owes you a BIG favor, heh
July 15th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I’m sorry and sad for you guys. But so glad you’ve got your respect intact and with the intention of maintaining relationships. You’re a special bunch of people. Thank you for sharing your lives with us.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Dear Beautiful,
You are more than welcome to join us anytime you want, my husband is a solid 7″ so he is in your range and is all man; and I would just love to practice eating your pussy
Truly with Love
~John & Joy~
July 15th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I’m glad this ended respectfully and fairly sanely. Again, I send my best to all of you in your new adventures. Your good and bad times have really helped me understand poly relationships and have helped my Dove and I…however, we’re now going through our own issues. Best of luck to all of you!!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Sorry to hear about all of this, But forgive me if i ask whats next?
Are you making enough to get a place of your own or is it back to a cubical hell of a work place? Are you all still sleeping in the same bed or have you moved to different rooms pending your move out or for that matter have you already moved?
Good Luck to ya i hope you find your way, and like every one else i hope you continue to post about your life!
~~DJ
July 15th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I think that I’ll go vomit now. I shouldn’t have read this post after eating all those chitlins.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Hi Lena. The love affair with Huxley just made me realize who you are.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
lokey… who am i?
July 15th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
tragic news.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Someone who would save me a seat at SIFF were I to ever make it out there.
I hope.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:29 am
tbk: bringing old friends together.
and of course i’d save you a seat. haha.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:00 am
Man, on his 40th birthday? Maybe Dave and Busters was a better idea…
Seriously, though, that’s too bad. I enjoyed reading everyone’s writings on the triad, and had hoped it for more. But relationships aren’t easy. Here’s hoping for the best for all involved in the future.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:41 am
DJ,
I moved out last weekend. (I hung out with Beau for a little while last night. omg he turned his goatee into a mustache!!! He looks like such a hoosier. :))
I’m staying somewhere temporarily until I figure out where I’m going to live and how I’m going to pay for it. I have an awesome job telecommuting for a green blog network, but it doesn’t pay as much as I need. So I’m going to start offering sex therapy, help even more people work their kinks OUT. No, this isn’t code for whore - been there, done that. I’ll work with male, female, glbt, and couples. Stay tuned for details.
As for love/relationship status, I’m going to do solo non-monogamy-maybe-polyamory. I’d like to find a primary partner someday, but naturally he will have to be pretty fucking special. So far I haven’t found a man who can handle me. See this old post for details:
http://www.thebeautifulkind.com/2006/11/27/all-you-can-eat/
And OF COURSE I will keep posting about my sexploits. This was just one of many adventures. Ahhh, life.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Will you be seeking certification and/or education in the field of sex therapy? Will you be joining one of the organizations or societies dedicated to the field/industry? Just curious. I understand this is not a well-regulated field, so none of the above is necessarily required; but the above will likely bring more clients and protect you against any BS with the law and government (as we all know, the legal system and the government are very conservative and archaic with regards to anything sexuality-oriented.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I was going to say the same thing Gina did… certifications etc aren’t necessary but give you credibility…. and all that other jazz too…
July 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
you hung out with Beau…so are either you or Beau going to see Belle in any sexual/relationship capacity? is Beau going to keep blogging? any chance we can get B-Diddle’s take on this as well? as a semi-insider, semi-outsider perspective? knowing all of you and spending time with all of you, it would be interesting to see what perspectives and issues he may have picked up on.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Gina and Mon, I’ll start off without certification and take classes later. I’m shaping up my game plan. I’m confident of my current experience and knowledge but am eager to learn as much as I can. I know I’ve already helped countless people through this blog, strange how it has really touched people’s lives, I mean I started it just so I could BRAG, but it has really grown into something positive. I’m ready to take it to the next level.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
roe, I mentioned that I hung out with Beau just to show that we are on good terms and things are ok. I would love to date both of them if they are comfortable with that, otherwise I am glad to be friends.
I hope Beau and B-Diddle keep blogging over on the boy’s side, but that is up to them. B-Diddle is definitely the closest person to all of this, he is like part of the family so to speak. Not sure if he is going to gift us with his wisdom or insight, but I can tell you he had reservations from the get go. He thought the triad happened so fast. So did I, but I thought I would adjust. We’ve all had MANY a heart to heart with him. He should bill us.
OK maybe not Beau, since they are BFF.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Sorry to hear about all of this…I hope your daughter is doing well through all of this
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
wow
I haven’t been here in a really long time.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
valentine, you know, I noticed you missing. Welcome back, my dear! We cooked up all kinds of drama for you.
xoxo
July 29th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
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