Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up
Filed under: Triad - July 3, 2008 @ 6:00 am
Tristan Taormino was in St. Louis a couple weeks ago promoting her new book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I was so excited to meet her in real life after admiring her for so many years for all her amazing sexpertise.
It was liberating sitting with the crowd that gathered to hear her read from her latest book. Cuz even though I am in a triad relationship, my man wants it closed. He doesn’t want us dating or exploring other people. But I do.
So I’ve felt guilty for having those desires, because they don’t match up to my current situation. In the past when I was swingle I was able to act on my curiosity and affection, and that felt natural to me. Beau thinks it’s unhealthy behavior. He has informed me on more than one occasion, “You know, you don’t HAVE to fuck all of your friends.”
Anyway, I felt normal and validated in her presence, surrounded by a crowd of mostly polyamorous and definitely open-minded folks. (I’ll have you know that I’ve only slept with six of the people who were there.) It was weird to be in a room full of people who have had threesomes, multiple girlfriends, or been to bath houses, and all of this is normal for them and can be discussed openly. It’s not a big secret! If I were to go up to any of them and announce, “I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend,” I wouldn’t get nervous and envious looks. They wouldn’t bat an eye. They would say, “So? I do, too.” Wow.
So the book. I’m impressed. I’d say it’s a must-own, right up there with The Ethical Slut. An excerpt:
There’s a significant indicator that monogamous marriages and relationships are not working: cheating is epidemic. The 1953 Kinsey Study reported that 26% of wives and 50% of husbands had at least one affair by the time they were 40. Other studies followed, with similar findings. For those people who manage to avoid cheating (or being cheated on), there is still a general dissatisfaction with monogamous relationships. Complaints about being stuck in a rut abound. Lots of people seem pretty unhappy.
Like I’ve said in a previous comment on this blog, I’ve experienced cheating in every capacity, but I have never been cheated on. This is because I “allow” the men I’m with to explore other women. I think it’s natural. They tend to appreciate this freedom (A LOT), but for the most part they don’t allow me the same freedom. I find this annoying.
This book explores different options to monogamy. And what surprised me is that Tristan doesn’t just discuss swinging and polyamory. She offers six basic models of non-monogamy, and urges you to customize those models for what is right for you. This equals endless possibilities. Here are the basic styles:
- Partnered Nonmonogamy - a committed couple who want a relationship that is erotically nonmonogamous
- Swinging - nonmonogamy in a social context, a lifestyle
- Poylamory - more than one relationship that is sexual, loving, emotional
- Solo Polyamory - nonmonogamous people who don’t want a primary partner
- Polyfidelity - Three or more people who have made a commitment to be in a primary relationship
- Monogamous/Nonmonogamous Combo - One person is monogamous, the other is not
Do any of these styles appeal to you? Or is being monogamous the right choice for you? The book explores each of these options in depth, and is a huge resource for information. (Tristan continues to update her list of resources on her website here.)
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:18 am
I was sooo disappointed that we weren’t able to attend the reading, I would have loved to hear her talk about this life that we have been leading for 13+ yrs.
It is harder when you have people wanting different lifestyle choices for their relationships. We lost our last gf in part because RBB wanted to close the triad, and so did I. She did not. Furthermore, she did not want to HAVE to inform us of who else she would be “dating” or be involved with. She wanted to keep us separate from the others.
When the secrets start to happen, that’s when cheating starts to happen, and that’s not acceptable in my life, that’s why I have chosen to be open with my relationship and marriage.
Polyfidelity would be our ideal, but polyamory would also work with the right person, as long as they are willing to communicate and not close the door on us.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:24 am
you said: “They tend to appreciate this freedom (A LOT), but for the most part they don’t allow me the same freedom. I find this annoying.”
Biologically speaking (at least according to Stephen Pinker — check out the book “How the Mind Works” sometime), the model where the male partner has many partners but the female is restricted is ideal for survival…and ideal for the male. The male gets to ensure that whatever kids the female has are not only his, but are being taken care of, because the female isn’t galavanting around. Meanwhile, he gets to increase his offspring by going off galvanting himself.
Of course, reproduction aside, it’s a silly model because nearly everyone has a sex drive, and everyone who’s been in a relationship has at some point wanted to exercise that with someone else.
What style that you mentiond is right for me? Good question. I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of partnered nonmonogamy. I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared for it. I also would have to be in the right relationship (good communication, good trust) for it to work. I’m in a new relationship and mentioned the idea to my boy, in a vague sense (because I’ve not got any practice at talking about this, and also wasn’t quite sure what I actually wanted the conversation to accomplish), and he wasn’t interested at present. I doubt it’s something he’d ever really thought about. He did say he’d keep it in mind as a potential option for the future, which is something. But for now, I continue to be, as I have always been, a serial monogamist.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:44 am
L - really? “because the female galvanting around” is not okay but the males is? Ew. Gross. Yuck. What a sad, silly argument with no basis in reality of truth. Blech.
TBK - I love the book too btw and am happy you got to see TT. Although, I hate the statistics about how monogamy isn’t working. Monogamy works from some people just as much as polyamory works for others. Cheating is possible in polyamory just as it is in monogamy. Lies are the same in any relationship, and the truth is polyamory works as good… or as bad as monogamy. Because it’s the individuals in the relationship that determine the success of failure. Polyamory isn’t better… it is just a viable alternative to monogamy if one is so inclined.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:05 am
Great post TBK, this is sure to get many interesting comments. My two cents is that you cant expect others to always be as open as you. With that being said, those who are not so open should not be so willing to take you up on your offers. If I had no intention of letting you fuck other guys, I certainly wouldn’t fuck other girls, even if you said it was okay.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 am
Dor - my boyfriend and you are on the same page. i brought up the idea of us having another partner outside of our relationship(mmmmmm, girlies). he doesn’t like the idea of sharing me, but he isn’t sharing himself either. that seems like it is fair. i would be pissed off, honestly, if it were any other way.
TBK - maybe in the future your partners will be more receptive to exploring an open triad? the book looks interesting as all heck though - i’m definitely going to add it to my “to-read” list.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
polyamory all the way…………………..
who says you can’t love more than one person……
polyamory goes WAY back…..
i know this old couple in alabama who live in the woods, and every weekend they get to hook up with their OTHER special person….
and guess what, they have a very happy, healthy big family, great relationship.
it’s your life, you should live it…..
“be free”
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
As a couple of you have hinted, it would be hypocritical for me to exercise the option that Beautiful has offered me. I absolutely hold myself to the same rules that I have for my partner(s). Serial monogamy (now extended to the triad) is how I’m built.
Beautiful and Belle are free to leave me anytime they do the math and find that this rule is more important than the other things I do for them in the relationship. I work as hard as I can to make sure that the equation remains in favor of staying. I love them both very much and would be crushed if either (or both) of them were to leave!
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I’m in a mono/non-mono relationship right now. I’ve always been non-mono/poly, but the boy just isn’t interested. If he wants to, he’s more than welcome though, I’m not forcing him into restrictions. He would rather not have anyone but me, and knows that I can’t contain myself in that way. It’s worked out very well so far; I’m very pleased that I can be completely honest about who I am with him.
July 3rd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I snagged this from a website some months back. In case you hadn’t seen it, I thought I would share:
10 Things to Be Prepared for When Negotiating Polyamory
1. Become a different person. Adopting a poly mindset and lifestyle in a monogamous world can be a transformative process. The level of communication, self-examination and brutal honesty with yourself and your partners required for healthy poly relationships is very high and tends to provide a challenge to even the most secure and open of people. As you explore and develop poly relationships, you will most likely discover things about yourself and your partners that will fundamentally change how you think and quite possibly who you are and how you view the world. As with any relationship in which long-term love is involved, you will change.
2. Welcome change and personal growth. If you crave stability and are most comfortable in a world with minimal change, you probably don’t want to be poly. In fact, you probably don’t want to be in a relationship at all, because exposing yourself to another person’s life will most assuredly change yours, no matter how stable you believe that person to be. Be prepared to find out more about yourself, your fears and your capacity to love than you ever wanted to know. Be prepared to drag your fears and insecurities out into the open, hear the same from your partners, and grow by learning how to accept and cope with your own fears as well as your partners’.
3. Remain friends with past partners and metamours. The non-monogamous community isn’t all that large at the moment, although we’re growing. Unlike with monogamy, it will be unlikely that you’ll be able to break up with someone and never see him or her again. Tribes and personal networks tend to be interwoven, and you will probably have to deal with interacting with people who have hurt you (or whom you have hurt) in social situations for years to come. Heck, one or more of your partners might still be dating that girl or guy you broke up with! You will have to learn how to negotiate an amicable breakup without making any of your friends and partners take sides. Be prepared to learn how to heal and take care of yourself while respecting your former partner and his/her current relationships.
4. Experience unflattering, powerful explosive emotions. Even if you think you’re not a jealous person, you will experience jealousy at the most unexpected of times and places. You’ll probably also feel insecure, petty, uptight, varying shades of “weird,” envious, angry, hurt, irritated and annoyed. Be prepared to describe honestly whatever you’re feeling as you’re feeling it. Be prepared to ask for help in processing what you’re feeling, and be open enough to trust that your partner will still love and support you, even when you’re experiencing unflattering emotions. At some point, you’ll probably discover that something you discussed rationally and thought you’d be totally OK with ends up freaking you out and sending you into a fit of unreasonable, unexpected emotion. This is normal. Be prepared by adding an asterisk to all relationship discussions: … and I reserve the right to freak out at any time. Don’t expect to be coddled and given in to for having emotions, but do create a space where they can be discussed safely.
5. Negotiate as a process, not a set in stone thing. When you first consider diving into polyamory, it’s a great idea to have discussions about how you’d feel if something or other happened. You’ll probably go through a lot of imagined scenarios and guess at how you’d feel and make a few (or a lot) of rules to govern you and your partners’ behavior in those cases. These discussions are a great jumping-off point, but be prepared for everything you discuss to change when dealing with real, live people. As they say in the military, “no plan of attack survives contact with the enemy.” People fall in love or lust unexpectedly, and suddenly, the rules will need to change in order for you or your partners to be happy. You might set a rule about not falling in love with partners only to discover six months later that you yourself are struggling to admit that your casual romance has become something deeper. Or you might have a caveat about partners moving in with you that needs to be rediscussed when your partner’s girlfriend becomes a closer part of your poly family. Fluid bonding agreements may need to change; child-rearing might be open to new discussion as well. Keep in mind that what is most important about your relationship negotiations is the process of discussing them, not the set-in-stone rules you end up coming up with. The rules will end up changing; be prepared to see their establishment as a fluid process of communication, not something to be set in stone and forgotten.
6. Have every assumption challenged. With a traditional relationship structure such as monogamy, it is common (and relatively harmless) for participants to make some basic assumptions about what concepts like “fidelity” and “monogamy” mean. Sometimes, those definitions aren’t discussed at all; they simply remain as tacit concepts floating at the back of the relationship unless and until something happens to challenge them, which might be never. If you’re venturing into polyamory or some branch of non-monogamy, however, be prepared to have every assumption about basic relationship concepts challenged. Think you know what “sex” is? Ask your partner; you might discover that your definitions of what constitutes “sex” or “sexual contact” are vastly different. How about “cheating”? “Fidelity”? “Love”? Being “OK” with something? How about what constitutes a “healthy” or “successful” relationship? When “only” and “forever” are no longer the markers of a relationship’s success, how will you define your relationships’ relative success?
7. Talk about everything. Be prepared to discuss and communicate about things you never thought you’d have to. Be prepared to have different discussions about the same issues as life and love change around you. You’ll have to be brave enough to bring up unflattering emotions and strong enough to be patient and loving when your partners do the same. Be prepared to create a safe space for your partners to tell you things that are difficult or unflattering to admit, and then find another space in which you can be brutally honest in return. Lack of conflict isn’t necessarily the sign of a healthy relationship, but lack of intimacy will cause its slow demise. Getting into the painful emotions in a safe space is a type of intimacy, and it can bring you closer to your partners than you ever thought possible.
8. Have a sounding-board. Polyamory is not a traditional relationship structure. You will not know how to deal with the issues that arise; my gods, how could you? I promise that you do not have all the skills and information that you need to have a successful poly relationship right now. So it’s of utmost importance that you have support. Talking to just your partner isn’t enough; you will need the voices of friends and people who have been through this before to give you insight so that you can make your own, informed decisions. Be prepared to reach out to the poly community, whether it be online or in real life, and create a sort of sounding-board of poly-friendlies that you can run your questions or issues by. Again, simply talking to the person you’re sleeping with isn’t enough. Monogamous types ask their girlfriends, buddies and best friends what they think; they kvetch and ask for advice over coffee. Even if you’re not out publicly as poly, be prepared to do the same. Find a community, listen and ask questions, and choose a few folks you trust as your advisory board. If you can, find a poly-friendly therapist, too.
9. Ask for reassurance when you need it. Be prepared for this to be a wonderful but tough journey of self-discovery. If you haven’t got the message yet, non-monogamy can be gut-wrenchingly tough to negotiate. There will be times when you feel weak or vulnerable; be prepared to ask for reassurance when you need it. Sometimes your partners will know and be able to tell when you need reassurance and offer it unasked, but sometimes you’ll need to be explicit. Just ask.
10. Be the bad guy. Relationships might be wonderful and healthy for six months, five years or 18 1/2 years. And then, after whatever period of time, there might come a time when all the communication in the world won’t make the participants happy or healthy. Be prepared to have the courage to acknowledge that things aren’t working and to be the bad guy and end the relationship. No one wants to be the bad guy; that’s why people do things such as act weird and distant so that the other person will get annoyed and break up with him/her. Please don’t do that. Being open, honest and vulnerable extends to ending the relationship as well. Do your partner(s) the honor of respecting what you had by respecting the end of your relationship as much as its duration.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Wow, Ten Things, very enlightening! Number 2, fits me for sure, guess thats why I like monogamy. I love stability in my life, and fucking hate change! I think some folks are addicted to change, not for me thanks!
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
It’s silly and rude that Beau thinks it’s fine that his rules override his partners’ rules. That’s a terrific way to ensure that nobody’s happy and the relationship breaks up! I don’t see what’s stopping them from saying “Well, MY rule is that I get to fuck other guys sometimes.” Perhaps he thinks he’s “more equal” than them. He gets to have two girlfriends but they just get stuck with one guy - I can see why he’s happy with this arrangement, but come on, dude. Feeling a bit jealous never hurt anybody! I see dark times ahead…
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I can see both sides of this really, the Beau entered the situation wanting to be monogamous. He was then presented with the option of being with another woman, which he accepted. As far as I know, he was not presented with the scenario of an open relationship from the get go. He is not necessarily obligated to agree to one, now that he has two chicks, the scenario is being presented to him and makes him look like the bad guy. It’s funny how intolerance works, outside of this blog all of the poly people feel out of place, but man, if you are monogamous here, look out! But as I said earlier, personally if I didn’t want to be open, I would not agree to anything other than monogamy.
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
wow, this is getting deep……
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Dor - I wouldn’t assume that all poly people are intolerant of monogamous views on this blog - that just adds to the communication problems. It was one person’s response - and you are assuming she is poly.
I’m poly and I stick up for the rights of poly and monogamous people - that’s what tolerance is about - much like a poly relationship - what you say for one, should go for the other.
But let’s not pretend for one moment that Beau entered a monogamous relationship and was blindsided with a request to open the relationship. This is TBK we are talking about here - I’m pretty sure he knew who he was dating when it started.
Beau - the definition of serial monogamy is actually a person dating one person, meeting someone else and then breaking up with their steady to date the new person. The person remains monogamous with one person at a time, but moves from relationship to relationship when attraction to a new partner occurs. What you actively want with your two loves is polyfidelity. It does exist and works for some people - but only if all want it. I agree with Daizu; you are asking for trouble by your unwillingness to address who your partner(s) really are - but I suspect you know that from the tone of your post.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Mon-mon, I didn’t mean to suggest that everyone here is intolerant, maybe I should have said that monogamous folks are a major minority here and sometimes its tough for a minority to find a voice. Your last point on the Beau is correct, thats the other side of the equation that I see. TBK is a wild woman and tells people up front what they are dealing with, it should not be a TOTAL shock that she might want to be open. I try to be objective though, I don’t really think there is a villain here, I just think the Beau might be getting unfairly slammed by some. This is a great example for all, you need to get EVERYTHING in the open from the get go!
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I have to say it’s really strange to discuss this sort of thing publicly. I mean, I’m used to my asshole or menstrual blood being the topic of conversation, ha. But hey it comes with the territory - I promised I would talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the triad, relationships, sex and more. Work the kinks OUT, right?
I guess Beau and I will need to figure out if we want the same thing or different things. We both knew what kind of people we were when we got together last spring, and I think we both expected the other to change as we continued to learn about each other and grow together. We’ve been a great influence on each other. Going from couple to triad changed the dynamic and has thrown me for a loop …….
OK off to bake vegan banana bread and listen to Oat Soda.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
As a polyamorous-minded person in a closed monogamous relationship, I’m fascinated with your blog. I never knew there were so many types of relationships! I have so many questions. Does Beau want polyfidelity? Is TBK’s desire for the triad to be open, for sexual freedom? Or are her needs not being met? Is Belle willing to share TBK with other people? What does Belle want?
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
I think its really brave that you admitted you expected each other to change - isn’t that a trap we’ve all fallen into at one time of another?
The funny thing is - everybody changes but its never the way we anticipate or want - LOL.
One of my favorite aspects of poly is the tremendous amount of personal growth that can happen if you allow it and embrace it.
“Be prepared to find out more about yourself, your fears and your capacity to love than you ever wanted to know.”
Cavewoman - I’ve wondered all those same things as well…
July 4th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Am I willing to share Beautiful? If it were my decision alone, I would encourage her to seek out whatever it is she needs, provided she is being safe.
But that’s ME. Incidentally, my feelings are not the only feelings to consider. Beau is not a bad person if he can’t extend to Beautiful the same freedom because it hurts him deeply. Niether party should have to suffer mental anguish to make the other happy. I also don’t know if I would want to extend beau the same freedom. What’s up with that?
Also, my relationship with Beau is totally different than my relationship with Beautiful. It’s interesting - the same kinds of words apply to both: comerade, confidant, parther, lover, best friend, one and only(man) and one and only(woman). Yet those words seem to mean different things when applied to each.
What I want: a bond(s) that are both stable and intense. It’s hard for me to be in graduate school and in a relationship with an unstable dynamic. I feel like I have missed out on something - that one-on-one bond that Beau and Beautiful had with each other for a whole year, I get to experience in what amounts to fleeting moments. I miss it. A lot.
At this point, I honestly feel much more comfortable when one of them is out for the evening. When we’re all three together, I feel tense. It used to feel good.
this thought does not quite fit in but I’ll put it here anyway: I want to be comfortable telling my partners anything. I’m not quite there yet. No matter who I am with, there are things I just cannot say. (I have recently been seeing a therapist and there are even things I can’t tell her).
July 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Belle- in my opinion if there are things you can’t tell your therapist, then you might have the wrong therapist…
i say this from my own experience.
thats the whole point isn’t it??? the client confidentiality.
letting it all out???
Your job is to spill your guts, then the therapist slowly helps put em back in……………..
July 4th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Lion - it’s not her, it’s me. There are just some things that get locked away.
July 4th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
You also have to give yourself time to build a relationship with the therapist. You can’t an expect instant connection with someone you’ve just met. Even if he/she is a professional therapist. You’ll get there!
July 5th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Mon-Mon, I like what you said about polyamory not being any better than monogamy. I agree that both can be successful and right for the right person. Everyone’s different! For all the monogamy that fails there is the flip-side for the ones that do succeed. And same for polamory…
As far as therapists go, it could be the therapist, but you can tell if you feel like you may one day be able to tell them anything- or if you feel they might judge you for saying certain things…