The Beautiful Kind

From The Unbearable Lightness of Being:

The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground.

But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body.

The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment.

The heavier the burdens, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

I’ve been thinking about BDSM a lot lately, having joined that fun kinky lifestyle site recently, and that brought up this amazing memory…

A few years ago, I was at a swinger bar in Kansas City and it was fetish night. I was all green and wide-eyed, and in walked a couple that captivated me…

OK, HE walked in, she crawled…

They were both decked out in full black leather. He was super sexy and strong, bearded and the ultimate in dom and cool confidence. She was on her hands and knees at his side, on a leash, wearing a skin tight catsuit. She looked just like this pic (only not standing).

I gaped as they wound their way through the bar. She was SO slinky and sexy, so cat-like. I was in awe. They sat and had drinks and dinner, and I can’t remember for the life of me if she fed him his dinner, or if he fed her her dinner. (Let me ask you, in that scenario, which do you think would be more appropriate? She might feed him as in being a servant to him, or he might feed her since she is his helpless pet.)

Anyway, after they ate dinner he ordered her to go around the bar and give women lap dances. I’ll never forget her slithering up to me and asking me in the sweetest, sexiest voice, her smoky eyes downcast, “My master would like to see me pleasure you, may I please?”

Dumbfounded, I nodded yes.

I was at my parent’s house, sitting in their kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal.

I turned and suddenly saw this huge poster of Heath Ledger in clown drag glaring down at me.

AHHHHHH!

Clearly I am being punished for that post I wrote about his death earlier this year.

So yeah. Most people’s parents decorate their kitchen with cows or that awful fake green ivy. Not MY mom.

Alias: Chiavata (it’s Italian, look it up!)
Age: 46
Relationship Status: Married to a man open enough to accept my desire for a woman and tolerant enough to endure my excessive flirting. I know I make him nuts but I would have driven a lesser man truly crazy a long time ago.
Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
Favorite Physical Feature on Yourself: My entire strong, sexy body, head to toe.
Beauty Tip: Love yourself, unconditionally, inside and out. If you treat yourself like you’re beautiful, sexy, desirable, and comfortable in your own skin, others will also see you that way!
Charity you support: Breast cancer research, and an agency that advocates for people with mental retardation.
If you could take a class for fun right now what would you take: I’ve always wanted to fence. I would go back to art school for drawing and painting. I’d like to learn to speak French.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know: I’d like to be able to speak Italian fluently. I’d like to get my mountain bike OVER more things instead of going around half the time or flying over the handlebars after I’ve hit something at a bad angle.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? No, but I loved dolls and used to wish they would come alive. I treated them like they were!
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done: I left my first husband, taking my infant son with me.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at: (non-sexual) Bench pressing. I can press 60% of my weight (65lbs) at least 24 reps in row and can do 30 on a good day.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at: (sexual) Making people feel sexy and seducing them.
How old were you when you lost your virginity: Hmmm…… my first time with a boy was when I was 19, we were skinny dipping in his friend’s pool and he fucked me in their pool house. My first time with a girl I was 12, lying naked on her carpet and so aroused that I had my very first orgasm. Neither of us was touching me, it was completely mental and fucking HOT! That orgasm was like a drug and I was an addict…….
The last time you had sex and with whom: Today, with myself! I’m very dependable, always in the mood, and always available!!
Tattoos/piercings: No tattoos, although I love them on other people, it’s too much of a commitment for me. My ears are pierced, my right twice, my left four times.
What type of person are you into: Someone with personality! Looks are nice but not necessary. Smart, brainy people are sexy! I like people who are self-assured and confident but not arrogant. People who like who they are and live without regret or excuses. A sense of humor is a must, and I enjoy people who can laugh at themselves. I always have the best times with people who make me laugh!! Don’t be a hater, or judgmental. It’s very hard for me to be open about myself, I want to feel if I bare my soul to you my secrets are safe (some things you just have to take to the grave!) I have a lot of energy so I like to be around people who can keep up with me, mentally, physically and sexually. Don’t be wishy-washy- I like people who have strong opinions even if they differ from mine. We don’t always have to agree, that’s what keeps it interesting.
What do you fantasize about/what turns you on? I’ll give you one~ You’re a girl or a guy and I’m your slave. Before you leave for the day you tell me what you’re going to do to me when you get home. You lock me naked in a cage, dripping wet with instructions not to cum till you get home. I can’t help myself though; just thinking about you makes me cum! When you get home I confess and you pull me out of the cage by my hair and slap me. You push me to my knees and make me lick your pussy or suck your dick. Maybe you turn me over your knee alternately spank me and pet my ass. Maybe you bite my nipples. Or slap my pussy. Maybe you bend me over and slide your dick in and fuck me hard. No matter, I always submit to you, I can’t help myself. You laugh because I always end up begging for you. I tell you I hate you and you throw me back in the cage. You call me a liar because you know I love everything you do to me!!
Pubic hairstyle: Shaved labia with a narrow strip of well trimmed hair above.
What do your nipples look like: Awesome! Very, very deep pink, always erect with areolas a bit bigger than a quarter.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? Wow, I can’t pick just one. My life has been one big fantasy. Not counting my first orgasm, here are three I’ve narrowed down. 1~We had been fighting, arguing, blaming and hating but loving each other for months-each of us needing something the other just didn’t seem capable of giving- in the middle of the night, sleeping naked, we awake together, lying on his back, his hand on his big cock, do you want some of this? He says- Do I ever say No? I answer- I crawl down and lick him- I love to suck cock- till we’re both all wet. I climb on top, slide him in and fuck the shit out of him, I cum fast then he pulls out and cums all over me-we go back to sleep, wondering what just happened. 2~He kept me on the edge, as always, by fucking me for hours, stopping and starting, changing position, he had me dripping wet- we were on the floor- Then he pulled us both up to sit, still inside me, hard as ever and asked if we could cum together-we hadn’t till then-He held me close, our bodies pressed together, legs around each other, breathing together, we kissed, our lips soft and wet and barely touching and up and down a few more times I slid and over the edge we went, tumbling into ecstasy together, shaking, breathless, delirious. 3~When she walked across the floor our eyes locked and I just KNEW. My heart was pounding, we sat close, talking, knees touching, getting closer and closer. I was getting wet, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her hand on my knee, then my thigh, sliding up under my skirt, she was asking if it was okay. I opened my legs a little more so she could get even higher. We had to be discreet here, and it added to the excitement. She reached the top of my thigh and I drew a sharp breath. It was very loud all around us but it was like she and I were alone in an electrifying warp in time and I wanted it to last forever.
Any regrets? Any time I’ve opened my stupid mouth without thinking first and hurt someone unintentionally, especially someone I love.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? Because you discovered that I believed in the inherent dignity of all humankind. And maybe B-Diddle had a little something to do with it!

“I’m NOT having a threesome with her.”

- my boss’s wife, when he asked her what she thought about having me over for dinner. My reputation precedes me…

Little known fact: It was Beau who came up with the YATBK idea. He’s responsible for a lot of the great ideas that have shone bright on this blog…

The other day he said, “I have an idea for your blog, but I don’t want to tell you.”

I said, “Oooh that sounds intriguing! Why don’t you want to tell me??”

“Because I’m afraid you’ll really DO IT,” he said with a nervous smile.

Finally I pried it out of him. His idea: for me to fuck the commenters of this blog, and then post a “review” giving allll the dirty details.

He knows me too well.

I love the idea.

So here is my short list of commenters I want to fuck, logistics and their preferences not factored in:

Beau - I’ve already written many glowing reports
Belle - same here
B Diddle
Rev. Lion (I want to experience the comment he left on this post)
Lokey
The Virgin (Not only do I want his cherry, but I want to nullify his blog!)
Tom
Manj
blueridgemariposa
Ebony Diva (you KNOW she wants to eat my lil’ white pussy)
Sapph
Chiavata (but only if a cage is involved)
Sunday
Fallen Angel (I read her fantasy loud and clear)

Now DON’T be offended if you’re not on this list, sheesh. Or consider yourself spared. I weave a wicked spell, after all. Anyway, I’ll definitely be adding to it. We’ll see how this evolves.

Consider this your engraved invitation.

See Capn Marrrrk’s comment in post below.

Here is same photo, this time with black light shining on it, revealing body fluids.

I HATE HOTEL BEDSPREADS!!!

I just want you to know that I hatefucked this sex toy.

It’s called The Twist, and I loathed it upon sight. It’s UGLY and cheap looking. Seeing as how it resembles a FLEET enema, I decided I should shove it up my ass. I didn’t even read the description, I just went on instinct here. I’ve never had a vibrating object up my ass before, so I figured it would be a new thrill.

Um, it was. I LIKED how it felt, all lubed up and probing, it tickled my rectum good and sent a shout out to a bunch of nerve endings that normally get neglected.

But I didn’t want to like it! Stupid ugly thing! And when you turn it on high it sounds like a model airplane, which is not sexy. Here, this is what it sounds like.

Admittedly, it was fun to have my rear covered as I attended to my front with the Hitachi Magic Wand. Double prizes, bitches! And it was a nice size for my nearly virginal ass.

So yeah, I don’t recommend this thing. But… I do. It was pretty fucking cool, made me feel dirty. I’m pretty sure I sneered as I came (which happened with a quickness, I might add). And man do I want to stick it up a guy’s ass!!! Don’t worry fellas, I’ll clean it nice and good for you…

PS: Note on box: Warning - This device should not be used over swollen or inflamed areas or skin eruptions. Do not use on unexplained calf pain. Made in Japan.

Amputee porn, anyone?

1. Sliiiding the prosthesis off…
2. Get some tribal drums goin’….
3. Lube up the stump…
4. Nervously lick at the cute little stump…
5. Have bad 80’s perm…
6. Have ladders and guys as props…
7. Have amazing breasts…and a huge bush…
8. Morph music into weird lounge music…
9. Hey! that guy’s cock reminds me of a guy I used to fuck, very heavy and hose-like
10. Luckily his face doesn’t remind me of a guy I used to fuck, wow, he’s like a blond George Bush - o god why is he making those noises??
11. Morph music into heavy metal music…

- And cut. -

Dear Slut,
I’ve been recently watching porn off the internet and am totally amazed at how much of it seems to degrade women. For example: cum facial shots. Sure it’s exciting to cum on my partner’s face, but I don’t see the excitement of watching six guys cum like fire hoses all over a gal’s face.

Then there’s innumerable amount of things women put inside their pussies but what I don’t understand is at some point in time a women’s pussy has to get so stretched out it doesn’t provide any sustenance for any sized cock. So tell me am I wrong to think SOME porn is degrading to women and that these women got into the business because they are fucked up?
Naive?

Dear Naive,
This is an easy question. Yes they are fucked up and the bitches deserve it.

Ha, just kidding.

First of all, some folks need their stimulation to be over the top, hence the fire hose brigade. Second, cumming on a woman’s face is hot because:

- you’re using her like a toilet
- you’re marking your territory
- you’re defiling something pretty
- you’re showing her who’s boss, asserting your dominance
- you’re treating her like a dirty little slut

It’s all part of the game. The porn stars know the game ahead of time, and they play along. You just have to hope that the women doing it are into it, and if they aren’t, that they are into the money and can wash up and go on about their business without curling up in a fetal position in the corner and doing drugs to take away the pain. I admit I worry about the women who don’t understand the game and subject themselves to abuse that will cause psychological damage. But you as a consumer can’t fret over that (otherwise YOU will end up curling up in a fetal position in the corner) - that’s the porn director’s job. That’s why it’s good to support wholesome hardcore companies like Belladonna Entertainment and Mama Goddess Nina. GGG, ehhh maybe not so much. Seriously that site gives me gooey nightmares.

A couple parting thoughts: yes some women in the porn industry are running away from their child molesting stepfather in Nebraska and are victims of circumstance, but many are not. And pussies are nice and stretchy and most can take a beating and still be good to go after a few rounds of Kegel exercises.

.

Go ahead, try and shock me. Send your questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Did last night mark my final intimate encounter with Beau? If so, we went out with a bang.

He surprised me with a new red vegan flog. He stripped me naked and ran it over my curves, all tickly and shivery, and then swatted my pussy with it, harsh and swift.

He wrapped it around my neck and choked me with it. Trust co-mingled with fear. I couldn’t breathe; I stared wordlessly into his eyes.

He took the People Cutter and raked my flesh, over and over.

He pried my mouth open and fucked my face.

He made me call him Sir, and every time I failed to do so, he slapped my face. {His cock gets soo hard when he roughs me up…}

He pounded me doggy style and made me cum that way, after eating me to orgasm.

We finished our kink session with a glass dildo up his ass as I blew him. I gagged on his cum, it was so thick in my throat.

As we lay there dirty, winded, and fluid bonded, he held me in his arms and said quietly, “I want you to be my wife. Please move back in. We can swing and grow old together.”

My heart ached and tears welled in my eyes. “Honey, you are monogamous, and I am polyamorous. I don’t think swinging is a good compromise for either one of us.”

“I’m not sure what I am anymore,” he exclaimed bitterly. “I’ve had so many new concepts and discoveries about myself the past few months…if you can be patient with me, I’m sure we can find other couples to explore. I think I would enjoy it.”

I stroked the hair on his chest. “There is someone better for you out there than me,” I finally said. I believe this.

“And what about you?” he asked passionately in the dark. “Are you going to be a 60-year-old slut? Are you going to be a slave to your sex drive? Aren’t you worried about ending up alone? You won’t be able to find someone who cares for you the way I do and be OK with you fucking other guys.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” I told him. I felt wretched. I knew I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Once again I found myself wondering if what I had to offer a lover was a gift or a curse.

It was so late. As I drifted fitfully off to sleep, he whispered, as he did every night, “Good night, Beautiful.”

When I woke in the morning, he was gone.

Alias: Fallen Angel
Age: 30
Relationship status: Married
Sexual orientation: Straight with bisexual tendencies. Have had only a couple of experiences with women and they have only left me with wanting more.
Favorite physical feature on yourself: My smile, it gets them every time…
Tattoos/piercings: Just my ears. One day I will get a tattoo, I just cant decide what and I am afraid of the pain.
Beauty tip: Hold your head up high, confidence is everything.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Photography, I love taking pictures, this world is full of so much beauty. Culinary classes so I can open that bakery I always talk about.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? I want to learn how to write better, I have the hardest time coming up with the things I want to say in a creative way. I want to learn how to be a more patient person. Maybe learn another language too.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? I don’t recall.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Making the decision to have my son and not taking an alternate route. Going into motherhood as a teenager and doing it alone was scary but something I knew I could do. I ended up having a great supportive family that made it not so bad. I could NOT imagine my life with out that boy.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Making people feel at ease and laugh. I can cook too… my specialty would be my baking. God I love desserts!!
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): It’s hard to say. I don’t think anyone has ever said “Man, you are really good at….” But if I had to chose, I would say blow jobs. I have never left a man unsatisfied.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? I was 14 he was 16 and it was in a corn field. All I remember was being glad he did not have a thick dick and it didn’t hurt too bad.
The last time you had sex, and with whom: Yesterday morning with my husband…. with interruptions (darn kids!).
What type of person are you into? Some one who has a sense of humor, wants to make me smile, can have stupid and serious conversations, strong mentally and physically, can keep up with my high sex drive and can put up with a little (a lot) of sarcasm.
What do you fantasize about? What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I fantasize about being with another woman just the two of us, exploring each others bodies without the interruption of someone else (my experience with women have included men). I like to be dominated and told what to do and how to do it. It sounds weird, even to me, but my biggest turn on is a man coming home sweaty and hot from work (carpenter, bricklayer, a man who works with his hands…) I dated a couple of guys like this and just wanted to jump them anytime I saw them in this kind of state. I like strong men, they don’t have to be big and muscular just the kind that make me feel safe and weak in their arms at the same time.
Pubic hairstyle: Shaved with a little hair left, no reason to look like I haven’t hit puberty yet.
What do your nipples look like? Soft, large, pinkish
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? I have two. The first was a night out at a loud dance club with some friends of mine, we playfully started flirting with a group of boys. I went on the dance floor with one of the boys after a few drinks. We were dancing having a good time, our eyes locked and we started kissing. It seemed like the music stopped and we were the only ones in the room, it was the most amazing kiss I have ever experienced and with a stranger to top it off. Another was when I was out with a couple and a guy I was dating, we went back to their place. The girl and I started flirting a lot and kissed a couple of times, I was so turned on I took the my man in a bedroom to take it out on him. While I was on top, the girl came into the room and started kissing me and proceeded to go down on me while I was still on top of him and her husband was rubbing the small of my back and telling me to cum for his wife. It sent me into a quivering orgasm.
Any regrets? I learn from my mistakes, that’s is what you are supposed to do. I won’t say I don’t regret anything, but nothing is worth regretting for long.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? I am not for certain, but I think you see something about me I don’t even know yet…

If I had to list the three things I hate most in life, poop would be #1 or #2 (crocs would be in the top 5, Ann Coulter, top 10). From the sounds of people’s comments on this post from last week, poop is on their, um, shit list, too.

I’m reading this really informative book called Poop Culture. Not only does it discuss the history of the toilet, where poop goes, and the dangers of constipation, but I’ve discovered that there’s a term for my irrational condition: I am a shameful shitter. From the book:

Why should such an egalitarian act be so revolting? All people poop, so shouldn’t we view pooping as neutral, a shared human experience, unremarkable because universal? While it’s unnatural to feel like a social aberration because you poop, it is natural to find poop disgusting. Fecal aversion is the belief that poop is malodorous, gross and untouchable.

That’s right, I am mortified that I have to shit. I’ve been this way all my life. I hate going in public bathrooms. I’ve read Everyone Poops and have giggled at the appropriate times. I’ve played the “Everyone Poops” game, where I imagine all kinds of people taking a dump one at a time - the person I have a crush on, hot chicks, Martha Stewart, Madonna…

I used to date a guy who had a little one bedroom apartment, and I’d make him vacate the place when I needed “alone time.” I HATE staying in a hotel room with someone. I’ll run the water and make them turn on the TV for sound barriers, and even then I’ll sometimes have to abort the mission.

Beau has tried to help me overcome my aversion; he has suggested I come up with a “shit list” - a 10 step program with the eventual outcome being me taking a shit in front of him. Um, I don’t think so. He’s offered to shit in front of me, to show me it’s no big deal, and he loves describing his “baby leg” bowel movements, which give me the heebie jeebies. I appreciate his efforts, but I’m still going to keep the bathroom door locked.

Nothing has really worked to help me get over it, but I am getting better. I’ve made some strides by reading this book. Also, I have to say I deeply admire any woman who freely admits she shits, like Jenny McCarthy or my friend Jen, who cheerfully stopped up the toilet her first week at a new job, to the cheers of all her dude! co-workers. She also lets her friends wipe her ass when she’s too drunk to wipe it herself. Cuz after all, friends don’t let friends pass out with a dirty ass.

Yeah, I’m surprised I’m able to look past the whole poop chute thing and see the anus for having great sexual potential. But man I have to be in the right mood. Like, super SHIT FACED. Ha, just kidding.

So. What are you? A shameless or shameful shitter?