Unsexy China: 2 Beers 1 Bus
Filed under: Vexed - June 3, 2008 @ 6:00 am
One of the best parts of the China trip was that I drank beer daily, lunch and dinner. A bottle of beer = $2.50, a bottle of water = $3.
So one day I drank two beers and then boarded a bus. The plan was to drive two hours north to a fabulous tourist trap that would put Branson, MO to shame.
Needless to say, within 30 minutes I had to piss. Badly. I hated to put the other 30 people out and ask the driver to stop, so I started brainstorming. (Come to think of it, I think I had to piss the entire two week trip. If I wasn’t dealing with squat toilets and no paper, I was dealing with being out and about and no comfortable toilet for miles. I mean, kilometers. In other words, China is a mecca for people who are into watersports.)
ANYWAY, there I was on the bus with a bursting bladder. The executive director of the tour was dozing in the seat in front of me. Beau was sitting next to me.
“I have to piss, COVER FOR ME,” I hissed.
He looked confused but went along with it.
I dipped into my purse and pulled out the plastic baggie I got from TSA at the airport, inspected it for holes, then proceeded to pull my pants down.
I positioned myself over the baggie and OCD-style checked over and over again to make sure I was aiming right, then let loose.
My piss didn’t smell like urine, or even beer. It was reminiscent of… goddess water. HA! Nonetheless, it promptly began dripping on the bus floor through the tiny hole in the baggie I overlooked. NO WONDER buses smell like piss. It’s because of fuckwads like me! And homeless drug addicts.
I stopped mid-flow and went into panic mode and whispered to Beau, “It’s leaking, do something!!”
He grabbed a water bottle, which still had 1/4 water in it and gulped it down, then grabbed a paper clip and held it under the baggie, poked a bigger hole in the baggie, made a funnel and caught the flow in the bottle. My hero!
Then I wiped with tissue, and we stuffed the whole mess into the bottle and capped it. We disposed of it at the next rest area (which was like a creepy disgusting futuristic apocalyptic film - I’m talking SERIOUS POLLUTION, a thick grey haze hanging down and oppressing the lungs. I felt like a two-pack-a-day smoker as soon as I stepped off the bus and wanted to cry for all the people who had to live there) and I finished my goddamn piss.
Don’t worry, I cleaned the bus floor. I’m not that kind of tourist.
I hope this post made you want to pee. Jesus my eyes are turning yellow just recounting it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:34 am
Why don’t you piss in your hat and try it on for size? Now how’s that for a picture to pimp?
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 am
What an awesome boyfriend you have to help you clean up your pee. He rocks!
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 am
those are the moments when you wish you had a cock…..
i guess if any female friends ever go to asia, i will tell them to buy one of those plastic things that allows them to piss standing up. they invented em for female truckers i bet.
check it out ! ! ! !
http://www.travelmateinfo.com
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
How very MacGyver of you, way to improvise!
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:31 am
i think i know what i’m getting you for xmas…
http://www.campmor.com/outdoor/gear/Product___80976
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 am
I’m impressed by your ingenuity. The last time I had to pee that badly on a bus I had to suffer for 3 hours. I was bottle-less and too embarrassed to have done that anyway.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:18 am
comfy, what does this word you use - “embarrassed” - mean?
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
HAHAHAHAHA… That is very MacGyver of you! I like TheLion’s link to the TravelMate. I can think of a million times that would have come in handy for me! Thanks for Sharing!
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
You ladies may be more aerodynamic, but one of the advantages of having that extra male appendage is being able to pee in a bottle while in public transportation without even having to get up out of our seat.
Well, unless you’re a shorty….then I guess it might be more difficult.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I actually have 3 travelmates. Why, oh why didn’t I give Beautiful one of them to take on the trip??
I guess the least I can do is give her one when I get home this afternoon to make up for it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I refuse to believe you mean it when you titled this one! peeing on a bus was un-sexy???? I think you meant extra sexy especially the part where Beau helps you!
And if anyone’s really freaked by a pee emergency, sporting goods stores sell gel packs that absorb A LOT of pee. It won’t spill and it doesn’t take up a lot of space.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
That travelmate thing looks like the medicine thing my mom used to use for me when i was a kid! yikes!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
My friend had one of those and I didn’t get to try it but I was so impressed! Oh to have a penis at my disposal in ol’ time. I could pee in the woods, or on a bus, or write my name, and I’d be standing up!
Eek.
also, you may not have a penis but you’ve got a lot of balls
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
i tried to take a piss during a road trip when i had to pee really bad and we couldnt stop…but it wouldnt come out!…but that was one helluva story, TBK!
cg
June 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
i agree SORRY BEAUTIFUL, but where does TBK hide all her balls??? i guess she tapes em back…..hahaha
June 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Um, I have SMART balls, aka OVARIES, and I keep ‘em safely tucked in. hee hee