The Beautiful Kind

She is lying facedown, and he is on top of her.

He is inside her.

I take my head and stick it between the two of them, and feel all the sweat their body heat has generated.

I feel his chest hair tickling on her ultra-smooth back.

The other night Belle and I were in a mischievous mood, so we gave Beau a double whammy - we wanted him to be sub AND roleplay, both things he is not very good at. But he was a good sport, so he let us pick out his costume and tell him what to do.

We decided he would be the plumber and we would be the hot lesbian couple luring him over in order to steal his sperm. We made him wear jeans, a wifebeater, sexxy black boots that would be a hit at any gay pride parade (did you go yesterday? what did you think?) and Belle clipped a tape measure to his belt loop. His arm tattoos and shaved head nicely matched the blue collar look.

We made him go pretend to work in the bathroom, and we scampered up to the bedroom, stripped, and got in bed. When he had finished checking out our plumbing, he called up the stairs, “Ma’am?”

“Upstairs!” Belle called back. “Come on up.”

He ascended the stairs warily, pushed open the door, and his eyes widened at the sight of us in bed.

“Oh, this is my lover,” Belle said, “We’re in the middle of something here, would you mind going over to the dresser and handing me my wallet?”

He did, and when he handed it to Belle, she opened it up and offered him some cash, but as he reached for it she snatched it back, saying, “Look, we’ll give you another $200 if you fuck us both and leave us with your sperm. We’re trying to have a baby and you seem like a nice stud. Now get on this bed, we’re ovulating!”

It pained him to take orders from her, but he did as he was told. He laid between us, and we stroked and kissed on him.

“Did you get this one in prison, honey?” I asked coyly, stroking the tattoo on his bicep.

“Yep, and I have to say it’s nice to be out and with women again. I had to buddy up with my cell mate, which wasn’t too bad. He mostly sucked my cock. He was a big dude, we got pretty tight.”

I said, “Oh really? And what was his name?”

“B-Diddle,” he replied, and I broke out of character and busted out LAUGHING omg wtf?? He SO did that for my benefit! {{~they are leaving on a cross-country road trip together today, now I wonder what kind of male bonding they will do~}}

I pulled myself together and Belle told him to seduce me, kiss me, stroke me, try to arouse me, even though he was just a lowly man and we normally have no use for them.

She straddled him and pinned his hands behind his head and dommed him, and he HATED it. He kept fighting it, sassing her back. Then he told us it was OK to slap his face. Really???

I tentatively patted him hard on the cheek. He laughed at my wimpy attempt, and said, “I know Belle can do better than that.”

Sure enough she hauled off and smacked him good! He took it like a man.

Often I hear people wonder how certain fetishes come to be. Here’s one that I don’t understand - Messy Girls. Women covered in chocolate, shave cream, mud, paint, pudding, just about anything. Why? Do you have any insight? Is it supposed to symbolize defiling a woman, covering her in cum? I’m sure texture is involved.

I love when sex is messy, when you and your partner are sticky and glued together with sweat, cum, female ejaculate… I love seeing a man’s chest hair slicked down with perspiration or when he’s showering, but the thought of him covered in silver paint or chocolate pudding doesn’t do it for me.

Is it art? I think it would be fun to be a messy girl model - do you think they get turned on by it? It strikes me as playful - I wonder what kind of guy likes this stuff. Would he be dom or sub? Would he have a good sense of humor? Does he go to the grocery store and walk through the pudding aisle and imagine how it would look on the cashier up front?

A guy films his neighbors fucking in this porn clip.

1. I love the red bikini.
2. I love her sensuous moves on the hammock.
3. Why is he filming the trash?? Hold the camera steady dude! Fucking amateur…
4. What a good looking couple.
5. Yesss, untie that bikini top…
6. I’m enjoying the lack of cheesy porn music. So natural, so sexy.
7. Makes me want to fuck outdoors. It’s like watching Adam and Eve.
8. Mmmm, I love the way a man’s hands grip a woman when he’s fucking her doggy style. And he’s giving her a little smacky smacky on her ass! Cute.
9. She must do yoga, that’s the Downward Dog position. FOR REAL hahaha
10. Aww when they finish they kiss and he helps her put her bikini back on. I love a happy ending.
If you were this peepin’ tom, would you keep watching? Would you film it? Would you put it on the internet?? I wonder what the couple would say if they knew it was out there…

Beau: I think I’m going to go see a movie later today. (gets online) Boy, there are a lot out I want to see - the new Hulk movie, Get Smart, Love Guru, Zohan… are you interested in any of those?

Me: Um, no. I’m not into recycled schlock, thanks.

Beau: I guess I’ll go by myself.

Me: You know what would be cool? If you were to buddy up with a group home of mentally retarded people and take them to see these kind of movies. They would love it, you’d have company, and it would be good community service.

Beau: Does it ever get tiresome for you to be so much better than everyone else? Does it ever get wearisome?

Me: I am pretty exhausted.

- Feeling left out and insecure at times
- Less sex (seriously, you have three moods to negotiate)
- It’s a challenge finding a bathtub for three (rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub my ASS)
- Social stigma
- Coinciding PMS
- Having to coordinate three schedules
- Lack of closet space
- It’s hard to find alone time if you want it
- The middle sometimes gets too hot for sleeping
- More emotional baggage to deal with
- It costs more for plane tickets and dinner
- You have two partners to catch cooties from, so a cold can linger in the house for a month
- Your single friends are jealous of you
- It’s hard to figure out whose family you’ll spend the holidays with
- There are more birthdays and events to keep in mind
- It really is more complicated
- You have less to fantasize about because your real sex life is better than most people’s fantasies

I’ve always been jealous of those people with mates who will pop their back zits for them. It’s so chimp groomesque.

So I was surprised and pleased to discover that Belle is a zit popper. She’ll inspect my back and take care of picking my nits. I find it both creepy and soothing.

The other day she wasn’t around and I had a back zit so I shyly asked Beau to get it for me. HE DID! So now I have TWO back zit poppin’ partners. Wow.

Do you engage in this type of behavior? Beau said he had one girlfriend who was into it, but when he offered to do it with his next girlfriend, she was horrified.

PS: My daughter calls pimples “pimps.” Heh.

- Someone is always on hand to take pictures of you having sex
- You can have as many threesomes as you want
- If someone has a headache, someone else can jump in
- There’s more opportunity for sex (and more variety)
- Double the wardrobe if the women are the same size
- You’re surrounded by flesh
- Double the tits!
- 3 way kissing
- You can have one person above, one person below (people sandwiches)
- Someone can be touching you and you don’t know who it is - it’s a touch puzzle
- You have two people to take care of you when you’re sick
- You get to shock people in public
- You can go to a concert and hang on each other and give a 14 yr old boy masturbatory material for weeks
- The man looks like a stud
- You have three people to pay the bills instead of just two
- More parent power
- Getting massaged by two people at once is very nice
- You get to enjoy oral sex by one while kissing the other
- When one person is out of town, you’re not alone in the house
- You have a built-in mediator for disagreements
- If you’re one of the females, you get cock AND pussy, often at the same time
- You’re surrounded by love
- It’s so nice being the one in the middle when you’re holding hands
- There are more reasons to celebrate
- You have two people to pump for info when you’re writing a blog post about your sex life

Tomorrow: the disadvantages

Have you heard about how Europeans eat pie backwards? The crust is nearest to them as they eat it, saving the tip for last. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I like the idea of doing something differently, taking something you were taught and putting your own spin on it.

A quirky professor walked by me the other day eating a banana upside down. I said, “Why are you eating that banana upside down?”

He said, “If you peel it upside down, you don’t have to deal with all the strings in the peel. Plus you can use the stem as a handle.”

So how about that? I mentioned a banana on a sex blog and didn’t talk about fucking it! What do you do differently? Me, I use butt plugs in my vagina. Just kidding.

Alias: cat-power (not the band)
Age: 32
Relationship status: with someone and deeply in love
Sexual orientation: intelligent men for the most part (99%)
Favorite physical feature on yourself: my legs, with a skirt, and without underwear
Beauty tip: eat a fruit every day, fruits are truly good for you, trust me
Charity you support: not an organization per se, but families or individuals in need i know directly or indirectly
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? pottery or tango dancing or the viola
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? to observe and listen for longer periods of time, without reacting, to breathe slower, to be more patient
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? no, but I imagined being an imaginary friend for someone else
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? still debating between jumping from a plane with a parachute or moving to this country
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): observing and listening and finding minuscule details, remembering, and making connections
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): anything with my lips and tongue, starting with kissing
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17? nothing special, can’t even remember, but the person i was with, helped me become my true self
The last time you had sex, and with whom: this morning with the man i’m in love, it was fantastic, can’t wait to get fucked again…
Tattoos/piercings: used to have a ladybug tattoo, not anymore
What type of person are you into?: people who stick out in crowds, who are effortlessly original, who go against the flow and have no fear or shame about being themselves, people who are willing to try new things. And i’m really into people who read good books in trains and subways.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? having sex with half my clothes off, in a public space, knowing someone is watching, but pretending i don’t know
Pubic hairstyle: neatly but naturally trimmed
What do your nipples look like? between vermilion and pink, and either very soft or very hard
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? i can not think of a moment, but more of seconds, glances, smells, words or sounds, even colors. I also have to say that it was pretty hot to have met the queen of the beautiful kinds
Any regrets? not learning to play an instrument early on
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? because we have a special connection, it includes but it isn’t limited to: having the same striped colorful sweater and having the same name at some point in our lives.

Walking in on them fucking, and everyone smiling real big, and me sidling up next to them, kissing them both.

Then I back off to watch, and they reach for me.

I tell them, “NO, focus on each other for now. I want to get off on your energy.”

I do.

Dear Slut,
I am contemplating a TRIAD. I am currently married and have a baby boy. I also have a secret lover on the side whom I deeply love and with whom I have a fantastic love life. My wife is not frigid, just not as into sex as I am and does not value it as much (she is almost non-orgasmic and will not masturbate). For her it is more of an job than a way to connect.

We all live in Japan in the same small town (very conservative - think US in the 1950s). I am a round eye and they are not, only important to mention because this is a conservative country and I stick out like a sore thumb. My wife is typical Japanese in many ways, including her lack of desire to reveal her true self to anyone and she does not want to know what is really going on in others. For her, actions are all that counts, not thoughts or feelings and in fact self-denial is seen as the highest good by many Japanese… I fail to feel connected to her as a result.

My lover on the other hand bares her soul to me and I to her. We are connected on a very high spiritual level. I love both women but in different ways. I also feel of course obligated to be a good father and honor my commitments. I want to propose a TRIAD so that we can all have what we want, even it is not the ideal that maybe they had in mind. I am willing to seek legal counsel to draw up some kind of cohabitation contract so that the women all feel protected and secure and that any offspring will be provided for. I am not afraid of commitment. I want to commit. Any advice?
Have Cake, Want to Eat It Too

Dear Sweet Tooth,
I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but your dream will not come true. I know, I know, it would be sooo cool if all the puzzle pieces fit nicely together and you could have one big happy family and get all your needs met without having to sneak around, but it won’t happen with your setup. Just ask another reader of this blog, a married woman who loves both her husband AND her lover 14 years her junior. Ain’t no way she’s going to live with both happily ever after. She’s going to have to choose one or the other, or scrap both and start fresh.

I’ve been in a triad for a few months now, and I have to say it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, and that’s with everyone being on board and open about it from the get go, AND with both women being bisexual. Trust me, low libido or not, your wife would feel like shit if she heard you and your lover giggling in the bedroom.

I agree with Tristan Taormino’s (author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships) take on non-monogamy: it’s harder to introduce the concept into an already established relationship. Most situations like yours end up in one of two ways: carry on the affair until the lover gets tired of the arrangement and moves on, or leave your wife for your lover. It sucks that a thing that makes one person happy can make another person miserable. Or two.

Have you ever broken your cock? How about your pussy? Your favorite sex toy? Your heart? Did it get fixed? We want to hear about it. I’ll be telling y’all about the time I broke my pussy. I broke it good, didn’t think it would ever be in proper working order again.

Send your tales of woe (hopefully with happy endings!) to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

The best stories will be featured during “It’s Broken” theme week.

From Augusten Burroughs book, Magical Thinking:

I am in bed with Raoul, and it turns out he has a condition known as micropenis. This means his penis is less than three inches long, fully erect.

I am dizzy. I am literally dizzy. I am so shocked to encounter this micropenis. I grip it in my hand, and it’s lost, so I use my thumb and index finger to jerk it.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, man, stroke that long, hard cock. Work it.”

I am now engaged in what I consider volunteer work. I am jerking him off purely out of pity. This is really no different from donating five percent of my paycheck to the United Way every month, and it occurs to me that maybe now I don’t need to give to the United Way and instead can keep the cash for myself for dating, which I am obviously going to have to do quite a bit more of.

This happened to me one time. I was in bed (OK, it was the floor) with an average-looking guy, and discovered he had a micropenis. I felt the same shock and horror Augusten did. It’s so weird to handle a wisp of a cock. I checked my impulse to freak out and call him on it (”WHY didn’t you tell me your dick was miniature ahead of time!”) and went through the motions, avoiding eye contact. He draped a condom over it and prodded at me a couple times and came, which only redoubled my disgust - he was a premature ejaculator, too!

I don’t know how I would handle it these days, but I was very young then and ended up avoiding him after that. How would you handle it? Have you ever avoided someone after an awkward sexual encounter? Details, please.

Now THIS is the kind of coffee table book I like. All about cock. Big cock. That’s right, it’s The Big Penis Book. The photographs are so…yummy.

When it comes to pleasure, size doesn’t matter; as we all know it’s quality, not quantity, that counts. But let’s admit it: a big penis is undeniably compelling. Big shoulders, big lapels, and big hair may come and go, but the big penis never goes out of fashion. With those possessing more than 8 inches (20 cm) making up less than 2% of the world’s population, this rare accessory will always fascinate.

So yeah, let’s talk a little about cock size here. What’s your preference? I like 5-7 inches. I’ve been with a few 7-9 inchers, and I think the bigger it gets, the less you can do with it. In high school one of my boyfriends had an 8-incher, and that was before I knew about lube. And he would fuck for hours.

He was an older, high strung Italian stallion. He’d go out drinking with his guy friends, then come knocking on my bedroom window at 1am. He’d climb into my bed smelling like beer and testosterone, and would pummel me with that meat bat of his until 3 or 4am before he finally took his leave. Then I would have to get up at 5:30, put on a polyester uniform, and work an 8 hour shift at the salad bar of the grocery store up the street. I shuddered every time I walked past the cucumbers.

I admit, I hung on to a Polaroid snapshot of his cock for years. It really was impressive. But that’s where I drew the line. I hooked up with a guy one time with a 9 incher and that was just NOT COOL AT ALL. I struggled through that torture session as best I could (it was worse than having a cavity drilled at the dentist) and then avoided him after that. Oddly enough, I pulled that same move with the one micropenis I encountered. More on that tomorrow.

Check out this awesome photo essay in Mother Jones featuring phone sex operators. Images and text were taken from a new book called Phonesex, due out September 2008. Sooo fascinating to get a behind-the-scene look. An excerpt:

One of my most memorable calls was also one of the grossest.

It was a fetish call. A scat fetish.

I started out by telling him I was a vegan.

I cracked him up. He was laughing so hard, he had to hang up because he couldn’t get back into our fantasy.

Holy horse balls! Here’s a vid showing a horse getting milked.

1. The music is cheesy.
2. Nice rustic-yet-sparse barn set.
3. Hay is for horses. So are two naked chicks, apparently. He is luckier than most of you dudes out there.
4. I’m sorry, but that horse is kindof sexy. The rippling muscles, those big balls, that ginormous horse schlong… I’m turned on.
5. So fascinating to watch this woman crouch underneath him and accept his cum in her mouth! As a friend said to me, “There’s something about the innocence of the horse, and his 18″ member, and the non-innocence of a human who would do that to an animal…”
6. I love how the other woman is standing by like an assistant, ready to rub the cum in like lotion. And the smile on her face, man that cracks me up. She reminds me of one of those game show chicks.
7. Notice how horseslut girl is wearing dangly earrings. This reminds me of the fact that she will be dressed and go grocery shopping next week, and as she puts cereal in her cart, no one around her will have any idea that the week before she was sucking a horse’s cock and covered in his cum. Also, how did she get to that point? Did she ever fantasize about such a thing before? Did she say “no fucking way!” when the director first suggested it? How much did she get paid to do it?

Now for the ethics discussion. Is this wrong? Is it animal abuse? For sure I don’t think any animal (human or otherwise) should be forced to do anything against their will, but if they’re into it and it’s giving them pleasure, I say why not? Race horse stud farms and bull breeders masturbate their animals with a machine and sell the jiz for thousands of dollars, so why not let a hot naked chick do the same thing? Factory farms masturbate and rape animals alllll the time, in order to produce the meat we eat. We’re talking turkeys, pigs, sheep, cows… Now that is fucked up.

I laid on my back and they straddled me and made out.

I had a pussy and a cock in my face.

His cock was so hard, it was shiny.

Here’s a guy who hasn’t had sex since he got in a car accident that turned his life upside down…

Name: Tiger, 33, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: women
Last time you got laid: Dec, 2000 [probably plain missionary]
Where do you live? Wood River, IL
Your living arrangement: apartment, live alone
Job situation: unemployed
Fashion sense: break away athletic pants, t-shirts, hoodies, baseball hat, house shoes
Grooming habits: bathe daily, cologne in summer
Do you floss regularly? yes
Do you drink? occasionally
Do you have pets? 2 cats
Hobbies: drawing, writing
Do you exercise regularly? yes-lifting weights is all I can do, people stretch my legs for me
Places you hang out: home or tattoo parlor [when it's warm]
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? 1
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? 1
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) [the last girl I fucked] she is living with a guy, plus I am paralyzed from the waist down which makes me less confident in myself.
How’s your eye contact? eye contact is important to me
What do you like to eat? fruits, vegetables, chicken, fish
What kind of porn do you like? haven’t seen porn in 10 years
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? no fetish, giving oral sex turns me on
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I can be both, doesn’t matter to me, I would be tied up or do the tying
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7-8
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 6
One word to describe your voice: deep
Car you drive or means of transportation: unable to drive
Financial situation (broke, paying the bills, flush, loaded): paying the bills, a little extra
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I have a 14 year old son, would date someone with kids
Religion: agnostic
Charity you would give money to: stem cell research, cancer kids, or humane society
Music you listen to: rock, rap, reggae, blues, oldies
Movies you have loved: Silence of the lambs, Pulp fiction, Misery, Legends of the fall
How often do you watch television? everyday
Favorite holiday: Independence day, Halloween
Person you respect/admire: I respect my mother
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): 1 serious relationship, not divorced, been in love once
Any physical issues: paralyzed from the waist down

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: OK, so we know WHY you’re not getting laid - life threw you a curve ball and you’ve found your options limited. You don’t drive or work, and you use a wheelchair, all factors that affect your social life. How are the transportation services where you live? You’re near St. Louis, right? Have you been to Paraquad? I hear it’s full of hot therapy chicks who date sexy dudes in wheelchairs. You might want to join a quad rugby team, like St. Louis Rolling Rams - STUDS ON WHEELS!! And yes you need to try and get out more and work on the confidence issue. IF you can pull off the confidence, women will hang all over you and ask you about your tattoos. A wheelchair can be just as much a chick magnet as a dog or baby. You are a sexy badass, after all. How’s the online world treating you? Have you tried reaching out that way? myspace, okcupid, a tattoo networking site? Be upfront about your disability, but woo the ladies with your brilliant mind, thoughts, ideas. Hook them and then let them ask you all the questions one has about people with disabilities and sexuality. Cuz you have answers!! So cool that the documentary Murderball addressed some of those burning questions, you know, like, do you get horny, can you get hard, how do you fuck? Finally, have you thought about volunteering somewhere, like the information desk at a hospital or the humane society? A great way to meet tons of people and engage with them. Finally, why haven’t you watched porn in 10 years??? I’m just wondering.

You know how they have A2M (ass to mouth) porn? It’s not really my thing, but I suppose the allure there is that the person is doing something sooo dirty.

That got me to thinking about other dirty things. I’ve heard that the kitchen sink is one of the filthiest places in a house, way more so than the toilet. So I want to come up with my own porn niche - KS - Kitchen Sink Porn.

Here’s a typical scene: a woman is standing there washing dishes in an ass-flattering dress, or maybe just panties and a bra, and a guy comes up behind her and grabs her roughly. She drops the plate she’s washing and it smashes dramatically. He rubs his crotch lewdly on her, and then he forces her head down and makes her lick the sink counter top. And then all around the metal. It will culminate with him bending her over and fucking her from behind, but she’ll have the kitchen sponge stuffed in her mouth. Ewww! And then he will cum on the counter and make her lick it up.

People will totally get off on that nasty shit.