A Mother’s Dilemma
Filed under: Fambly - May 24, 2008 @ 6:00 amThe other day, a woman I work for offered to give me her old King-sized mattress (her and her husband bought a new fancy-shmancy memory foam one)
I called my mom to ask to borrow the truck so I could haul it home. First, she agreed, but then an hour later (as I was getting ready to go get the mattress) she called:
She explained that she loved me, but she didn’t support my lifestyle choice and therefore, would not let me borrow the truck to pick up the mattress.
Granted, it is a mattress. She probably (and rightfully) had images in her head of the three of us fucking on it.
I asked her to explain exactly what about my lifestyle choice she had a problem with. Her response:
“It’s just not right”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I just don’t like it, that’s all.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s just not right.”
I encouraged her to actively come up with a real reason instead of talking in circles. She told me that she understands being straight, and she understands being a lesbian, but she can’t understand being with a man and a woman. So, again I asked:
“Why?”
She told me that she was afraid they might want to add another person, or that I might get diseases (??) and that poor, poor Beautiful’s daughter was going to grow up thinking triads are normal.
I tried to explain to her that it’s just like being in a regular relationship – except with two people. I told her that just like she loves her kids all just as much if she had one or three, we can love each other just as openly – love does not have to be a commodity.
I don’t really need her approval to do what I do, I just wish I could show her that sometimes when life does not fit perfectly inside a pre-molded box, it’s a good thing. Also, let it be known that she could be much, much less civil about her disapproval. she disagrees with me in just about the nicest way a mother can disagree.
-Belle
May 24th, 2008 at 8:25 am
hey you…hope the house isn’t TOO lonely…
Anyways, in regards to this post and the B&B one..discrimination/disapproval WILL happen, it will continue to. You really can never predict who will approve and who won’t..you will get surprised along the way. I went through a very idealistic phase where I thought that if I was happy and in love, all people would eventually understand…uhhmm…it ain’t so! I’m ok with that now, I hope you will be too
oh, and I don’t think you spelled “dilemma” right. Unless it’s some clever play on words that my un-caffeinated mind can’t comprehend
May 24th, 2008 at 8:37 am
So Sorry to hear that Belle, that would be really dissapointing. It is hard to feel that even a mothers love has its limits for your happiness, been there. This is why family is always family so you cant get rid of them, but friends you choose to keep close to your heart because they are a reflection of your own kind spirit. Hopefully she will eventually see that you are happy and be happy for you and find her understanding in that.
May 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Maybe some day you will be able to make her understand that it’s about love. If there’s one thing a mom understands it should be the importance of love.
May 24th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I am a strong black woman in need of a strong black man. There isn’t a woman out there that could give me what I need. Your mama is right! You should find your own man and leave hers alone. It is not her job to agree with your life, but to tell you that you need a whole lot of can’t get right discipline! Back of the hand and front of the hand girl! Find you a man not a woman!
May 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Mom’s disapproval is really born of fear, of course. Fear of the unknown, unfamiliar, and fear of all of the terrible things she’s invented in her mind that could happen to hurt you. You might get a *disease* for christsakes!
So in that sense, she’s showing her love for you the only way she’s able - with her disapproval. I’m sure that in her fearful mind, withholding the truck is supposed to make you see the error of your ways. “No truck? How the hell am I supposed to get this big bouncy mattress home, upon which we will all fuck each other silly? No bouncy mattress… hrm… OMFG! What the fuck am I DOING with my life?! I need to settle into a traditional relationship *immediately* and begin living my life to please others! THANKS, MOM!”
Take is easy on her. She loves you. She just doesn’t understand that love is so much bigger than fear.
Also, please show us your panties.
May 24th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I’m happy for you that your mom is at least talking it out with you - that’s hopeful even if it doesn’t feel like it now.
May 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
You’re so luckily to have the love of 2 people AND your mother.
So many of us lack that.
Let her disapprove all she wants as long as she still loves you. She doesn’t HAVE to approve - it’s her right. But even if she never approves, maybe someday she’ll understand.
I wish I could get my husband and my lover to both live with me. I don’t WANT to pick. I love them both.
May 24th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
JustSomeDude - Holy crap, I laughed my ass off at your post! Big bouncy mattress, wow that’s priceless.
May 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
It irks me when people make decisions based on opinions that they can’t really support. Hell, I don’t approve of triads (Beautiful and I have had some fun discussions), but I understand why I don’t and, shock and awe, why others do. There’s no point in knowing the right answer if you don’t understand the answer (or the question, either way).
May 27th, 2008 at 12:22 am
for some reason, i am just heartened that there IS discussion between the two of you…the lines of communication appear to be open and functional which is the most important part…i really like how you posted on this…
cg