The Beautiful Kind

Preface from Professor X: I’m happily married, but really would like to explore my sexuality more fully, with other women. My wife and I have considered swinging, open marriage, other alternatives to try to help me, but she isn’t entirely comfortable so we haven’t tried anything of the sort. So I’m not actually trying to get laid. I’m a college professor, decent looking, I’m a seriously awesome human being, really, and I am sure I have student crushes, but not one has ever tried to seduce me. I’m not saying I would be vulnerable to the seduction, (maybe so, maybe not) but I’m a little insulted that nobody has tried. What happened to all of those girls in college who had crushes on their professors? So this isn’t the normal, “why can’t I get laid” because I know it’s because I’m married and not trying, but it’s more “why don’t I feel like I could get laid if I wanted to?”

Name: Professor X, 35, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Last week, with my wife.
Where do you live? Seattle
Your living arrangement: With my wife and 4 children
Fashion sense: Slacks and button up casual shirt, with hiking boots (I know, but they are sooo comfortable…)
Grooming habits: Shower daily. No cologne but I mix my own after shave.
Do you floss regularly? No
Addicted to anything? Um… Sex?
Hobbies: Holy cow, do I have hobbies. I love to draw, paint, sculpt, play guitar, write, travel, hike, bicycle, and really above all other things READ.
Do you exercise regularly? I’m a bicycle commuter so ride my bike daily.
Places you hang out: The library, the park and a few coffee houses.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? I used to. I married one of them, and that relationship doesn’t really allow room for any others. I miss having female friends.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Seriously too many. I’m a college professor after all. I am surrounded by young nubile women. Of course, I’m not allowed to do any of them. The wife and administration both frown upon it.
What do you like to eat? Vegetarian food.
What kind of porn do you like? Hmm. Anything that seems like the people are authentically enjoying themselves.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I have a serious voyeuristic fetish.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 6
Last place you went on vacation: Italy and Switzerland
Financial situation: Paying the bills with some savings.
Your thoughts on breeding: I love kids. I have amazing kids. I have amazing sperm that breeds amazing kids. What can I say?
Charity you would give money to: Seattle Symphony, Union of Concerned Scientists
Political affiliation: Green Party best suits me, but I am going to have to vote democrat in the next election (I can’t believe they’ve brought me to this course!). My true feeling is that we need a pluralistic society similar to places like the Netherlands, where there are dozens of parties represented in parliament. Don’t even get me started on politics…
Music you listen to: Classical and Folk, mostly. I like variety so listen to the radio, but prefer to play my guitar or fiddle to listening to recorded music. Whatever happened to the days when people whipped out their fiddles on the porch in the evening rather than sitting in a corner clicking text messages while listening to their iPod?
Movies you have loved: Life is Beautiful, Queen Margot, Mullholland Drive, The Big Lebowski
Do you like to read? If so, what? Mostly try for lit, (mostly semi-modern stuff like Borges, Eco, Calvino) but really enjoy classical literature and philosophy as well. I have ~3000 books in my library and really wish I had time to read them all…
How often do you watch television? Never!
Restaurant you like: India palace
Person you respect/admire: Historical: Thomas Young Contemporary: Amy Goodman
Past relationship history: Been in love once, sex with 5 women but only two of them recurring partners. Really only one serious relationship with my first and only wife.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Oh my GAWD you are SUCH a professor! I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that you wear a corduroy jacket with elbow patches and a scarf and glasses. Since you sent me a pic of yourself, I do have to tell you - if you want your young nubile students crushing on you, you should get a haircut. Donate it to Locks of Love. An Owen Wilson style would look good on you.

I think you might come off as snooty and wimpy - you should try being more down-to-earth (OK, I suppose playing a fiddle on the front porch is pretty down-to-earth, but I’m not sure if that is surefire chick magnet behavior.) I dunno, I’ve dated my share of professors and they tend to get hit on every semester. Universities are regular pervert factories. Maybe you’re teaching the wrong classes.

Too bad you don’t live in France - having a young lover along with a wife and family is accepted over there, but I’ll bet most readers will think you’re a creep. As for me, I hear you. I think everyone should have erotic passion in their life. (I also think it is every man’s god given right to have two women suck his cock at once and for every woman to have an mfm threesome where she is QUEEN, but I digress.)

Oh and you should floss - food will sit between your teeth and rot in your mouth unless you get it out of there. Seriously, people who don’t floss are more prone to diseases, it’s not just about fresh breath. But at least you don’t eat corpses, yay veggie professor! And for godsake, keep that amazing sperm of yours away from the college kids.