Freaking My Shit Out
Filed under: Triad - April 28, 2008 @ 6:00 am
A triad relationship takes maturity and patience, and you need the right people/personalities to make it work. I don’t think a competitive spirit would fare well. Definitely not a person who is into manipulation.
When we told a good friend that we were thinking of adding Belle to our love nest, he was understandably wary. He said, “Man you’ve got a great thing going, why risk messing it up?” Well, you certainly don’t want to try this kind of thing when things are rocky.
That first week she moved in, I felt the same fear I felt when I went into labor and my water broke and I was about to give birth. I thought, “no way fuck this shit i want out!” In both cases, I asked for it, wanted it, and now that it was for real, I doubted my ability to handle something so huge.
But hey, I survived nine hours (only nine hours!!) of labor and produced a great kid, and it was totally worth it.
Still, I was freaking my shit out over this triad thing - instead of focusing on having a new partner to love, I kept thinking about how I would have to share Beau full-time from now on. I’m a champ when it comes to sharing my partner for a night or two, but 24/7? Would my needs get met? Would we lose what we had before?
I fantasized about running away from the tangled mess I created. What’s more, I decided that since they both liked playing video games, shooting guns, and riding motorcycles, they would go off and be cavepeople together and leave me to sit and cry and masturbate to independent films while eating tofu. I couldn’t see where I fit in.
I’ve had a few freak outs in the past six weeks, usually triggered by me feeling left out for one reason or another (like the time they didn’t realize I was in the house and they shut the bedroom door and started fucking) and each time my lovers go out of their way to reassure me that they aren’t going anywhere. The freak outs feel like panic attacks, my heart races, my stomach hurts, and I feel like I can’t breathe. That first week I had one that lasted three days. Talk about emotionally exhausted. Now they last less than an hour.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:42 am
You really need to see this flick:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084737/
April 28th, 2008 at 8:32 am
One of my favorite sayings is, hope for the best prepare for the worst. I don’t want to freak you out any more but this situation has more risk than most, you already know that though. I used to be the type to analyze the fuck out of every relationship I had. Early on I used to think my wife and I were just too different, there was NO WAY it would work over the long haul. In time I learned that if people appreciate the different qualities they bring to the table, they can really begin to find their place. Too many people try to find others who are just like they are. These people have the same strengths but also have the same weaknesses. When people with different strengths and weaknesses come together and work WITH each other, they can be force to be reckoned with.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:52 am
It means you are human. Hell, I get those sort of feelings and I’m only involved with one person. I respect you for having the balls to do things that aren’t always “for sure” deals. I also respect you for being honest with yourself when you are unsure or scared. I can only imagine how draining the situation can be when the “left out” feelings start creeping in. Glad the panic attacks are getting shorter! Have a happy, panic free, love filled day today
(ps–no matter how much it seems like gin will help… it rarely does. However, I usually give it a shot anyway)
April 28th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I’ll try to say this without being to insulting, which is pretty hard for me because I’m not the most tactful person in the world:
But you should get used to it now, because there’s no turning back.
I feel bad when my friends leave me out of things; I can’t even imagine how you must feel.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I understand what you are saying and I can see it being a problem. But damn it if you all care about each other, all three of you then I say make it work.
Easier said then done, but I am a person who believes you should fight for what you want.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:47 am
So is it worth it?
April 28th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Speaking from experience of being in TBK’s place, I can completely empathize with your feelings. I know of multiple instances with our ex-girlfriend, that I had the same kind of feelings. Their connection with each other was different than mine with my husband or mine with her, but I would feel anxious that my connections with either of them wasn’t strong enough or as strong as theirs.
This of course was not true and it is just something you will work through and be okay!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I hate to say it but valentine’s advice/words make no sense - there’s no turning back? What the hell? I don’t even know what the heck that is supposed to mean - except to incite more fear.
TBK - you and your lovers are brave, loving people. Treat each other with care and love - respect and kindness - and you will grow, both individually and together.
No one gets guarantees. That’s what I learned. And I had the same freak outs as you - heart racing, stomach churning - days and days of wondering - what the fuck did I do? But it was all just stupid, stupid fear. And so just realize that - it isn’t real OR it’s only as real as you make it. Look inside and find that strong woman who wanted this relationship and made it happen. And you will find the same woman who will help you through the fear.
Fuck anyone else who tells you “there’s no turning back” cause that shit is just stupid, dumb fear too. Fear of what they themselves can’t or won’t do.
Kisses and hugs to you all…
April 28th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Be optimistic!! I’m still exploring options and thinking about stuff, but I do believe for me a triad is the preferred relationship structure, so many exciting opportunities and I love the energy flow between 3 people.
Not too long ago, I had one-on-one sex with a guy..it was odd….it had been SO long since there’d only been one other naked person in a bed with me. It was very nice`sex, don’t get me wrong, but something was missing
April 28th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Hang in there at least a while. If there’s enough love things will work out and you’ll stop feeling so panicky. Best Wishes.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I have to stick up for Valentine. There really is no turning back, only forward. Valentine wasn’t being negative, just realistic, valentine was trying to express that TBK is already within this triad, no time to hold back. so let go was a better thing to say maybe. if life is a river then there is no reason to try and go up stream. just lay back and get all the head you can get(from people u love).
most of us idolize you TBK, so no worries.
You bought the ticket, you ride the ride….THE BEAUTIFUL PAINFUL RIDE CALLED LIFE ! ! ! !
<3 <3 <3
April 28th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I’m just glad you’re going through it a few months before I am. Thanks for having experiences for me to learn from.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:38 am
mon-mon: This is a delicate situation. There is a lot of balance involved. How is one supposed to undo it? Leave? Kick someone out? I’m familiar with this situation (my boyfriend used to be in one) How it ended was that one person left. After that, the relationship between the remaining two fell apart as well.
I’m not saying that TBK’s situation is exactly the same as my bf’s. Personally, I think that TBK’s is better and more likely to work out.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Just a note from within the triad:
95% of the time, everything is beyond wonderful! The ladies are out shopping together right now and I sincerely wish I were with them.
Each time a “freak out” episode happens, we get together and talk through the things that caused it and get back to the nice balance we had before–there have NEVER been any hard feelings from any of us after one of these emotional moments. That makes me hopeful that we really can survive for the long haul
They are going to meet me for rehearsal in about an hour. It is so sweet that they genuinely WANT to hear my music–which can be pretty esoteric.
I can’t wait to see them again!
April 30th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
valentine: In truth, is any relationship a balance of your needs versus others needs? When a couple “undoes” it - doesn’t someone just leave or get kicked out.
I’m not saying that a poly relationship doesn’t have it’s own unique situations to work out. But everything in life has its risk - every good thing, every bad thing. I understand better what Lion said about already being in the triad and things being different… but everything changes - even monogamous people and relationships - and if someone leaves a monogamous relationship or one ends, the people involved are different and have the same messy questions to get answered as well.
I was in a triad and it didn’t work out - one person left. The two left are still together - different people, hopefully better people.
Even in this triad relationship, the three of them will grow and change. Realistically and hopefully I hope it’s for the better.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
mon-mon, stop arguing with me.