The Beautiful Kind

OOH SCARY!!!

Alias: Iphigeneia
Age: 35
Relationship status: Happily married
Sexual orientation: Technically I guess bi, though I’m married so now I only go the hetero route
Favorite physical feature on yourself: Lips
Beauty tip: Put lotion on your feet before bed so they are nice and pretty and smooth
Charity you support: The only thing recently is the American Cancer Society. Have lost too many friends and family to cancer.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Theatre history
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? I want to learn yoga. I would love to learn more about photography.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? No, though I wish I’d had one
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Given birth
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Acting
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): Gotta be the oral!
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 15
The last time you had sex, and with who: 4 days ago with my husband
Tattoos/piercings: 4 tattoos and pierced ears and navel (before it was a trendy thing to do)
What type of person are you into? If you mean sexually, I’m going to have to say the bad boy with lots of tattoos and usually a musician.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? I fantasize about David Beckham and hands turn me on!
Pubic hairstyle: trimmed and manicured
What do your nipples look like? very light pink, fairly large and pretty flat
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? I hooked up with this one guy and we went back to a hotel (we’d known each other a couple of years). He went into the bathroom and I was standing in front of the mirror in the room. He came out to the bathroom’s sink/mirror area. He was watching me in the mirror as I was watching him in the mirror. We stood there awhile just watching each other. It was so FUCKING hot! That was the only hot thing that happened that evening as he proved to be a very selfish lover.
Any regrets? Yes but no. I mean if things hadn’t worked out the way they had I wouldn’t be where I am now. And I am very happy with my life! Though I wish I’d be better about finishing school on time.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? Hmmm … I’m going to go with we’ve known each other for years. I’m pretty sure I was the first girl you had sex with (though maybe not) but you definitely were my first. Plus I’m a red-head and we all know you have a thing for red-heads.

Dear Slut,
Why are Americans so freaked out about breastfeeding? I mean we all like breasts, so why get upset over women exposing their boobs in public to feed their kid? And why do you freak out over nipples and girls being topless? Boobs are GOOD things, why cover ‘em up?
Superior European

Dear Snooty European,
Take my breasts, please. Wait a minute, you don’t need them - Europe is brimming over with boobage! My ex-pat friend who lives in Spain tells me that there are magazines on every newsstand showing bare breasts, and that it’s common to see women wearing nothing but a scrap of a thong on the beach. His apartment balcony overlooks the community pool, and all he has to do is sit out there and drink his beer and watch his neighbors frolic around topless.

One time he was at the Prado Museum in Madrid and a mother sat on a marble bench in the middle of one of the galleries and pretty much lowered her entire top to nurse her child. Friend reports that 90% of the patrons didn’t blink, the rest glanced for a second and then moved on, and a couple American tourists gawked a little (I’m assuming he wasn’t one of them).

We’ve got assholes like John Ashcroft covering a statue’s breast, and check out this obscenity charge against Abercrombie & Fitch. A woman writing for this student newspaper posed the same question back when Janet Jackson’s orthodontic-style nipple was shown to the world.

Meanwhile, my guy can walk around topless and flaunt his lame, flat nipples, and he has bigger breasts than The Belle and I put together! AND hair on his chest, which is way more titillating to me than nipples (on a guy anyway).

New York is one of the only places in the U.S. where it is legal for a woman to be topless in public. Check out this fun article about how a woman there scored almost $30,000 for being wrongfully arrested.

There’s the theory that Americans came over as Puritans and that mentality has persisted, but I don’t buy it. I mean, we got over the whole persecuting people for being witches thing, didn’t we? And America is such a huge melting pot now. And we LOOOVE cow nipples; we clamor to drink the milk we rape out of them in bucketfuls.

So…fuck if I know. I can only chalk it up to sexist possessive bullshit. Men think they own women and are jealous of babies. Let’s take this conversation into comments - what do you think?

PS: Here is my nipple. Suck on that!

Have you ever read A Confederacy of Dunces? When I saw this pasty display, I went in to an Ignatius J Reilly rage, complete with sputtering and burning indignation. What’s so scary about female nipples??

This next week will feature a lot of breast play here at TBK.

A triad relationship takes maturity and patience, and you need the right people/personalities to make it work. I don’t think a competitive spirit would fare well. Definitely not a person who is into manipulation.

When we told a good friend that we were thinking of adding Belle to our love nest, he was understandably wary. He said, “Man you’ve got a great thing going, why risk messing it up?” Well, you certainly don’t want to try this kind of thing when things are rocky.

That first week she moved in, I felt the same fear I felt when I went into labor and my water broke and I was about to give birth. I thought, “no way fuck this shit i want out!” In both cases, I asked for it, wanted it, and now that it was for real, I doubted my ability to handle something so huge.

But hey, I survived nine hours (only nine hours!!) of labor and produced a great kid, and it was totally worth it.

Still, I was freaking my shit out over this triad thing - instead of focusing on having a new partner to love, I kept thinking about how I would have to share Beau full-time from now on. I’m a champ when it comes to sharing my partner for a night or two, but 24/7? Would my needs get met? Would we lose what we had before?

I fantasized about running away from the tangled mess I created. What’s more, I decided that since they both liked playing video games, shooting guns, and riding motorcycles, they would go off and be cavepeople together and leave me to sit and cry and masturbate to independent films while eating tofu. I couldn’t see where I fit in.

I’ve had a few freak outs in the past six weeks, usually triggered by me feeling left out for one reason or another (like the time they didn’t realize I was in the house and they shut the bedroom door and started fucking) and each time my lovers go out of their way to reassure me that they aren’t going anywhere. The freak outs feel like panic attacks, my heart races, my stomach hurts, and I feel like I can’t breathe. That first week I had one that lasted three days. Talk about emotionally exhausted. Now they last less than an hour.

The Belle, lying on her back.

Me, lying on top of her, facing her.

The Beau, lying on top of me, fucking the shit out of me, crushing Belle.

If I move my top half a little to the right he can kiss her and suck her tits as he fucks me.

I feel like she and I are conjoined twins.

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How should I respond to this myspace message I received last night?

im tired of getting rejected and stuff so im going 2 kill myself if u dont give me a chance 2 fuck u?? if u dont give me a chance i’ll kill myself

Seriously, it doesn’t get more desperate than this. Turn on.
I think I’m going to ask him to videotape it. I LOVE snuff films.

HI, this is completely FUCKED UP. Do you SEE where that one skewer is going??

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I dare you to think about this the next time you eat meat. Or roast pussy. (I prefer mine rare.)

What’s wrong with this picture?

TBK is in bed and not fucking something.

Let’s play a game: what/who should she be fucking?

Highlights from the first time we all made love together (we need a notepad by the bed):

- 3 way kiss - godDAMN is that hot
- Having one of each of our nipples in his mouth at the same time
- I like backing out of the threesome so I can sit back and watch
- I love watching them as I pleasure myself
- The look on his face as he fucks her is one of a blissed out barbarian - he’s conquering the world. He’ll catch me staring into his eyes and he’ll smile slightly
- He fucks her until she needs a time out, then he moves on to me. Mmm, double dipping…
- Both of us licking his balls at the same time
- He ejaculates on himself
- She takes it in gobs and smears it on my tits
- With a devilish grin, she licks his cum off my nipple (cum-eating grin!)
- I let what she leaves dry on, fall asleep, and wear it the next day, like a sheriff’s badge.

My parent’s stove (circa 1966) finally bit the dust, so they had to replace it with a modern version. Trouble is, the new stove doesn’t match up to the footprint of the big n’ clunky original.

My mom’s solution? Plaster the exposed wall with pages from National Geographic.

She stood by as I gleefully snapped pics and asked with an air of resignation, “You aren’t going to put this on the internet, are you?”

Here is a cute virgin from India. Like I know anything about India’s dating culture. This will be fun.

Name: Devesh, 20, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Never. How I can explain that further, i have no clue…
Where do you live? India.
Your living arrangement: With parents. Moving out this summer.
Job situation: In college. I reckon that rings the “everybody gets laid in college” bell. Not here.
Fashion sense: Jeans, t-shirts (i love the batteres ones. you know the ragged out pieces anyone would discard or recycle?), or long sleeve shirts (nice, branded, starched ones. Or the “party” kind.)
Grooming habits: Shower at least once a day. Cologne: Old Spice
Do you drink? Not at all. But people don’t mind it (after all this time). Heck, they love gettin’ sloshed when I’m around. They kinda know I’ll get ‘em home.
Addicted to anything? Working out. It has ruled my life for the past 5 years. Beyond that, I make it a point to NOT get addicted to anything, so I never have a weakness. Explains why I never took the golden drag, even while a dozen people smoked up in the same room as me.
Hobbies: I used to be really into art in junior high. Then sang in high-school, but that was too little too late, so never made an on-stage performance. The work-out again fits here perfectly, as i have been at full-time (as a hobby beside college) since graduating school.
Places you hang out: Cafes, mostly. or a bar/pub. i almost never hang out without a friend/friends, if at all possible. If I had better company I would go see an art exhibition or a live music performance, or attend a book-reading. or something along those lines.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? Yes, loads. loyal an’ all…
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? A few. Like gfs of the above mentioned friends, and a few pals of my own.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Five or six of them. And my guess is nearly all, if not ALL, believe they have to be in a “relationship” to fuck. I don’t. BIG problem.
What do you like to eat? Clean food. Best example would be Subway. Roast-Chicken. A few Indian dishes. Nothing fried or sugary consists of my definition of clean food.
What kind of porn do you like? The kind where the girl orgasms for real. But really, the kind of porn I DON’T like is gay/BDSM. I haven’t seen much porn for a long time. (like 3-6 months, and that too was an accidental download)
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Pregnant babes. Notice “babes”.
Are you dom or sub: Complete DOM. I’m the “I’LL DO IT” guy.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7.5 going on 8.75 [mothers of gal-pals have described me as cute. never the girls themselves ]
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? Given the present scenario, even 6.5. heck, 5 will do.
One word to describe your voice: Spontaneous. Lousy word for a voice.
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) I don’t have any. I wouldn’t mind having them either. I would date someone who has kids; which has nothing to do with my current situation (sex-starved).
Religion: Atheist
Charity you would give money to: None. Would rather do charity stuff myself.
Political affiliation: Considering the caste-politics prevalent in my part of the world, I’d say secular.
Music you listen to: Industrial Rock, Trance, Metal.
Movies you have loved: Roman holiday, Casablanca, The Last Samurai, Gone In 60 seconds, Don Juan de Marco, The Usual Suspects, Wall Street, Fight Club, Schindler’s List, The Godfather Trilogy.
Do you like to read? If so, what? I liked reading “The Godfather” so much I must’ve read it five times over. I liked Perry Mason, and a few other books. but now, most of my reading comes through the internet (blogs, websites, etc.)
Restaurant you like: Hole-in-the-wall joints. And SUBWAY!
Person you respect/admire: The Governator (Politician, Movie Star, Body-building star, what else could I possibly want?). Ram Jethmalani. (self) Made-men mostly. like first-generation gazzilionaires.
Past relationship history: I’ve been in love once. I had a relationship that lasted six-months (I called it off). Not in love with anyone right now.
Any STDs? phhhh. NO sex. No disease.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: I think it’s pretty normal for a 20-yr-old guy living with family to be a virgin, the circumstances aren’t ideal. But you are moving out this summer! You should try a night out on the town. I’m not sure what to tell you about the women who want a relationship if they’re going to have sex - maybe try for older women? You know, like your friend’s moms. You need to find someone more seasoned and relaxed than the college crowd, since that’s not working for you. Or hey get a job at the gym and do what the guy is doing in the pic above - that’ll get you laid. And for the love of god, ditch the Old Spice and get some better cologne. That might solve your problem right there. xoxo

Me: Why is Biggie in the bathtub?

Belle: The drain is broken. I needed something heavy to push down on it.

Me: Oh.

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Here is a pic by request of a big sexy tattooed man, courtesy of TheLion. It’d be extra nice if he answered a few TBK-style questions in the comments section, though to be honest I’m not interested in his pubic hairstyle or what his nipples look like.

Here are the questions I want to know about my male readers. Also, should I start featuring menfolk in YATBK?

1. What are your masturbation habits? How often? Where? Props?
2. Are you a tits, ass, pussy etc. man?
3. What’s your fetish?
4. You have one night to completely pleasure a goddess. What do you do?

Alias: Leila
Age: 34
Relationship status: Spinster
Sexual orientation: Open
Favorite physical feature on yourself: My eyes; they’re very expressive. I also like my stomach.
Beauty tip: I think that the best beauty secret is the realization that you are perfectly ok just the way you are. Your weight, your hair, your skin, your nose, your thighs, your height, your teeth - they are all just fine. Yes, they really are. From there, you start to treat yourself and your body as if it were beautiful (which it is; I have yet to meet a person who was not beautiful in some way - usually many ways). Maybe you buy a special, scented soap for your daily bath or shower. Maybe you spritz on perfume or essential oil spray and drink in the scent. Maybe you accent your great smile with a bright, hot pink lipstick. Feeling and looking beautiful is not about creating an appearance that other people may or may not enjoy looking at. It’s about creating an outer appearance that reflects your inner beauty and joy. Celebrate yourself.
Charity you support: The local no-kill humane society because they do good, but emotionally exhausting work for beings who can’t speak for themselves; the local food bank because the idea that anyone should go hungry in this day and age makes my soul ache.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? I’ve always wanted to learn jujitsu so maybe that or an online course about the role of astrology in ancient civilizations and modern times.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? I’d like more botanical knowledge, specifically about healing herbs and other plants. Right now, I only know enough to be dangerous.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? No.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? I never really think of anything that I do as being particularly brave. I’ve traveled halfway around the world and lived in a foreign city where I didn’t know anyone. I’ve traveled to an unknown city and stayed with people I’d never met. I guess things like that would be considered brave to some. Or maybe just the fact that I bellydance in public (and even sometimes get paid for it!) right alongside the tall, model-thin twentysomethings with their showgirl looks and shiny, shiny hair.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Making things look pretty
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): Telling would take all of the fun out of it; I like to surprise partners by what I’m not only willing to do but am pretty darned good at
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 21? 22? Something like that; it was rather unremarkable
The last time you had sex, and with who: Entirely too long ago with someone who is probably my soul mate, if such a thing exists and if either of us were willing or able to get our acts together and deal with our commitment phobia and intimacy issues
Tattoos/piercings: Ears pierced, that’s it; I’m not really into that sort of thing
What type of person are you into? Someone with self-esteem firmly intact who neither seeks validation from others nor to convert others to a particular world view (although they will probably inspire others by example)
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? The idea of being a private dancer - dancing in hotel rooms for sophisticated, wealthy, select clients for an obscene amount of money; after the dance, who knows what could happen (for an additional fee, of course)?
Pubic hairstyle: I can’t get into the idea of “hairstyles” for the pubic region. I trim for my pleasure, but that’s about it.
What do your nipples look like? Nice
Any regrets? Nope
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? You like brown sugar. ;o)

Man o man, check out this file someone sent me, along with this message:

“Ever considered narration…you know….for The Blind Kind…”

mov00752.MPG

(audio excerpt of the Cuddle Swinging post - SO WEIRD to hear a creepy manvoice in place of my own - what a mindfuck!)

1. Dump mix in bowl.
2. Add egg.
3. Add water.
4. Think about sex.
5. Get distracted and add water again.
6. Fuck up the recipe.
7. Brownies are now reduced to chocolate goo.
8. Smear on partner, salmonella be damned.
9. Enjoy.

Check out this sign someone spotted and sent my way. Nice!

It FINALLY happened.

That thing I had been fantasizing about for so long - you know, The Beau and The Belle making love, fucking - getting to see it firsthand - my wish was finally granted. The time was right.

They were naked, and she sat on his lap so that his cock was between her legs. It was almost like she had a dick. It strained between her pussy lips, and I licked it up and down, licking her fleshy lips simultaneously.

She arched her back and moved up on him, and I reached in like a Grabby Gus and rubbed his cock head up and down on her slick slit. I was obsessed - my main goal in life at that moment was to see him inside her.

I feverishly watched up close as it slid in. I loved watching it halfway in, and how his hands gripped her hips and how he pushed her down on it slowly, all the way. The sight of his balls pressed tight against her cunt made me positively dizzy. I throbbed along with them.

I licked his balls as he fucked her, and I obnoxiously kept reaching to feel the tight connection they made as he was buried to the hilt. I’m sure I got in the way, but too bad, so sad.

I imagined his cock head butting up against her cervix, his cock wedged tight. She rubbed her pussy all up and down until she finally trembled and gushed all over his crotch. I got to witness that, I groaned along with her, hell I was louder than both of them put together.

Of course I had to taste it. She drinks Mountain Dew obsessively, and that’s pretty much what it was like, Mountain Dew mingled with grass and earth. (Yes, yes, Do the Dew.)

I licked his cock clean of her dewy juices and sighed.

So, does this apply to humans, or what?

Female monkeys may shout during sex to help their male partners climax.

The researchers found that females yelled during 86 percent of all sexual encounters. When females shouted, males ejaculated 59 percent of the time. However, when females did not holler, males ejaculated less than 2 percent of the time.

Male and female Barbary macaques are promiscuous, often having sex with many partners. This means sperm levels can get quite drained. The females shout when they are most fertile, so males can make the most use of their sperm.

Sigh, this sounds like our home life. Our poor neighbors. If only we had a treehouse…