The Beautiful Kind

A message from my ex-pat friend who is living in Spain:

I had one of those “only in Europe” moments tonight. I was flipping through the channels and guess what came on? A commercial for a nudist resort. Featuring a family walking on a beach. A completely naked family. With complete full-frontal nudity, both parents AND kids. At around 8pm in the evening on one of the basic cable channels.

Now that I’m thinking about it, here’s another reason why European TV is better than American TV - are you familiar with that show “The Girls Next Door”? The reality show about the three Playboy bunnies? I’d only seen one episode while I was in the U.S. but hell yeah, that show is waaaaaaaaaaay better on European TV. No blurry screen spots here.

Here is commentary that accompanied this porn clip sent to me:

I love me some porn with an anthropological spin — and here we have a bunch of 20-something bisexual kids throwing up videos on the internet apparently to say (1) fuck YOU! and (2) fucking is fun. I did some research on this (by tracing back the awesome quip in the second clip that I think you will appreciate!) and this is from an extinct site called thesexclub.tv formerly based out of Victoria, B.C.

Part 1:
1. The music is sexy.
2. He’s uncut - yay!
3. He doesn’t seem very hard.
4. What the fuck kindof costume is she wearing? What’s with the pearl necklace? Can you imagine getting wet in those shiny tights? I usually cut a hole in my tights - I need breathing room! Oh wait, she’s wearing thigh hi’s - nice.
5. Ha ha about the skull and crossbones.
6. Mm, nice tits.
7. She’s shaved and he has a pierced tongue.
8. Halfway through the clip you realize they have an audience of three guys.
9. Um, he’s still not very hard - I think he likes boys more.
10. Then it cuts to taping some guy playing on the computer. Then they go back to the couple and put a cowboy hat on her.
11. Then she asks one of the other guys to whip it out so she can suck it, but he almost passes because he thinks all the drugs he took that day will not allow him to get hard.
12. She gives it a go anyway, and WOW that is a nice cock!
13. As she’s sucking that nice cock and getting fucked from behind, she exclaims, “This is the best rodeo ev-er!”
14. OMG that cock keeps growing - it’s like magic! At this point it’s like the size of a building.
15. They start to put on some heavy metal music and the girl tells them that if they do that, she’ll “fuck them with a knife.”
16. The guy with the monster cock says that he’s fucked girls until they bled, and she says, “I’d love for you to do that to me.”

Part 2:
1. Quote of the day: “It’s like a meat bat!”
2. They discuss her g-spot and it seems it’s as big as the monster cock.
3. Oh, fuck it already!
4. She tells one of the guys to suck the big dick. Immediately the boys start discussing the pros and cons of this.
5. They cut to him eating her ass and then all of a sudden there’s footage to a more revved up emo orgy where she is the meat in their sandwich and squeals deliciously.
6. Man, she’s surrounded by three or four horny college dudes and they are just having their fun - I’d like to be the queen in that situation.

Part 3:
1. Ooh now she’s sucking two cocks at once.
2. OK I’ve lost interest. Wandering off now.

This article about sex gone wrong in Canada is maddenly coy:

A Quebec man may face criminal charges after a woman died while they were having sadomasochistic sex. The 39-year-old woman died Saturday night, police said.

She went into cardiac arrest while engaging in “out of the ordinary” sexual practices using “very particular” accessories, said police agent Martin Simard.

Police say they found torture devices in the homes, but would not give specifics.

Come ON, we want details! And, more importantly, we want to avoid a similar tragedy befalling one of our fellow kinkophiles. So what do you think they were using - an egg beater? Jumper cables? A toaster in the bathtub?

I saw a documentary a few months ago called Whole. It’s about people who have BIID - Body Integrity Identity Disorder. What is BIID? A person who has BIID is someone who is transabled.

From the website transabled.com:

In a nutshell, someone who is transabled “wants” to be disabled. But it is not so much a “want” as much as a “need.”

Our “desire” is more a reflection of the fact that our self-image is that of a paraplegic (or amputee, or blind, or any number of other disabilities) than that of an able bodied man or woman.

In Whole, pretty much all the people featured wanted one of their legs amputated. But with BIID, a person can yearn for paralysis, deafness, a certain disease such as multiple sclerosis. Most people with BIID hide it from their friends and family like a shameful secret, since most react negatively. Some are “wannabes” and pretend to have a disability, while others take measures to actually achieve the disability.

To me it’s comparable to being transgendered, feeling the need to become another gender. BIID is extreme body modification - going way beyond a tattoo or lip piercing. Just think - that person you see at the mall in a wheelchair - he or she may be able-bodied, but feels more comfortable getting around in a chair.

I told a friend of mine about the documentary, and she got really excited that I had seen it. She asked what I thought. I said, “Well sure I get it - I mean it’s strange to think of a person who doesn’t feel complete until they remove one of their legs, but hey. Of course, I don’t know anyone personally with BIID.”

“Yes you do,” she said.

It turns out a friend of ours has BIID.

His desire is to have his right leg paralyzed from the knee down. He planned on paralyzing it himself at home, and he let me watch him do it.

Here is what he needed in order to pull it off: a syringe, saline and Everclear. Injecting the Everclear straight could cause tissue death, so it needed to be diluted.

I watched as his mixed the alcohol with saline (do I need to tell you not to try this at home?) and filled up the syringe with the solution. He injected it into an area right below his knee.

“If he misses and hits a vein, he’ll just get a buzz!” my friend explained as we watched, eating chips and dip.

The first dose didn’t do anything, so he tried a second shot. This time his leg went numb, and gave him the effect he was after. His foot went floppy.

Happy, he stumbled out of the room to put on his leg brace. Five days later, and he reports that the leg is still without sensation. He’s hoping the treatment lasts at least six months (the nerves eventually repair themselves.) Oh, and he’s going to do the other leg, too.

The pet dildo has a name - he’s The Big Kind, aka Biggie.

Here’s Biggie frolicking in the snow. Watch for more fun outings with our favorite strap on!

A long time ago I posted something about the Fleshlight.

Well, the other day I was at a friend’s house and she said, “Wanna see the Fleshlight I got my boyfriend?”

I know, I know, I should have passed, but I was curious, so I said yes.

She whipped it out of their bedside sex drawer and popped the lid off. “It’s the original ‘Pink Lady,’” she explained.

I was simultaneously repulsed and fascinated. I poked at the protruding pink cunt. It felt squishy and tacky.

I fought and lost the urge to stick my finger inside the slithole. I started probing it with my daring digit, and she hesitated. “Wait I want to make sure he cleaned it.”

With that she yanked the quivering cunt clean out of its confines. Floppy and tapered, it looked like a cow’s tongue. Or a geoduck.

And thankfully, it was cleanish. It was still damp from its last rinse.

PS: I like the looks of the ice fleshlights. And look - now you can get fleshlights modeled after porn pussies!

We took another bath, only this time at her house - she has a big fancy spa tub. She lit candles, dropped a LUSH bomb in, and once it dissolved, she threw on the jets.

There was plenty of room for us to lounge about, but she still climbed into my lap and wrapped herself around me. I find her staring into my eyes a lot, as if searching for answers.

Enveloped by steam, we got overheated, so didn’t stay in too long. She ran ahead of me to light candles in her bedroom while I toweled off.

We made out for a while on the bed. I was so curious about her pussy, so as soon as I could, I turned on the lamp and made her lay back so I could examine her. She was all shy about it, and giggled. Normally she buzzes her crotch, but she let the hair grow that week for me.

Both of our pussies are super cute, and super different. Mine is pink with outer lips and a tucked in clit and inner lips. Hers is more tawny. She has hardly any outer lips at all, and her inner lips stick out like a naughty little child sticking out her tongue.

I wanted to taste her. I slowly eased into it, kissing her thighs and surrounding flesh, then licking her labia slowly. I wasn’t sure what she would taste like. She was delicious - how to best describe it? Salted almonds? Fragrant flesh?

I picked up the pace with her, gave her rapid light tongue flicks, the way I like it. Finally she spoke up and said huskily, “Slow down.”

Dammit, I should have asked her more about what she liked before we got to this point. I slowed my pace, but then I was too slow. She took over, used her hand, grabbed my head and pressed it against her chest as she rubbed her pussy. I could feel her heartbeat.

She still didn’t cum. Later she told me I’m the only person she’s ever masturbated in front of besides her boyfriend.

Then she got out her vibrating Feeldo and some lube. She was nice and wet, and the shorter end slid into her easily. She didn’t need a strap for it. She lubed up the cock part and I laid on my back, legs spread. She mounted me, and I wondered what it would be like for her, how long she’d have to fumble around before she penetrated me. Eh, she was a natural -she nailed me right away.

So what was it like for her to fuck a girl for the first time? I’ll let her answer in the comments section of this post.

As for me, it was HOT. I grabbed her hips and pulled her into me, met her thrusts. I can’t wait to try it again, but harder next time. And of course I want to give it to her.

I’m going to need more practice pleasing her. I want to learn every inch of her.

Dear Slut,
I’m a self-described nice guy with a job that (literally) takes me all over the planet. Since I’m not content to stay in my hotel room on these trips I’m constantly out meeting new women in different cities around the globe. Inevitably some of these end up in longer-term relationships and sex.

But here’s the problem: I’m not monogamous nor do I have any plans to be so in the immediate future. When I meet these women I don’t want to lead them on or lie to them but it’s very difficult to steer the conversation to this topic and even more difficult to be completely honest if the subject does come up. How does one tactfully address this in a new relationship?

As an aside, if I met the right person I would absolutely be willing to be monogamous with her. For right now though, I’m just not there yet. I have a girlfriend in <foreign city> and in <foreign city> and when I’m in the states I sleep with other women and even some couples! How do you bring this up with someone you haven’t known for very long?

Actually, now that I think about it, I would even extend this into a two-parter: how and when (if ever) should you bring this up with your friends? That question is a whole column in itself. In what situations should you and which are the ones where you shouldn’t?
- Nice Guy

Dear World Traveling Cad - I mean, Nice Guy,
I’ve dated multiple people at once and have made it clear to them that they weren’t the only one, and that worked out fine for me. But I’m a woman and I guess guys will fuck a chick even if she’s not long-term relationship material. I’m guessing that if you were to tell the women you date what was up in the same manner I did, you probably wouldn’t get laid as much, since your date might be turned off at the thought of you doing it with some other woman in Paris next week.

How about asking them what their current status is first? See if they are looking for something long term, or if they are just keeping it casual for now until the meet the Right One? More women today are not settling on the first guy that comes along and are empowered to do exactly what you are doing.

This will give you more information about where they are coming from and open it up to have a turn yourself in describing your situation. You can say in a sensitive way that you are not committed to anyone at the moment, so you are free to date, and that you will be happy to settle down when you meet the right person. That’s being honest and sounds pretty harmless. There’s nothing wrong with friends with benefits. The key word here is RESPECT.

As for who to tell in your social circle, I’d be open and honest with what you have going on. You never know - your disclosure may open new doors and break down barriers. You might find out your friend is also non-monogamous and has had a crush on you for a while. Or you might find out that your friend is monogamous-minded and accepting of other people’s differences. If your friend freaks out and feels threatened, well, I just don’t see how you sleeping with that girl in Paris changes the way you both agree on politics, movies, and wine. Fuck ‘em. You deserve friends who accept you for who you are.

Send your tricky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

It’s marvelous to have sock monkeys dancing in the bed - gives you fun dreams…

Alias: Lullabyemom
Age: 26
Relationship status: Married
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
Favorite physical feature on yourself: My eyes
Beauty tip: My mother uses Oil of Olay on her face everyday and she has fantastic skin and looks young.
Charity you support: The Humane Society of the United States and The Autism Society of America
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? A class on sign language
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? I learn something new everyday and I would like to keep doing so.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? I do not remember, but I had ghosts in my house.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Becoming a mother. It is one of the hardest and most rewarding roles you can play.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Working with children, especially those with special needs. My husband would say cooking!
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): I have been told I am good at oral.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 16
The last time you had sex, and with who: Sunday night, with my husband.
Tattoos/piercings: I have a tattoo on my back of a treble clef with a red rose intertwined. I also have pierced ears.
What type of person are you into? Intellectuals.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? My biggest fantasy is a bunch of beautiful women and me (and my husband) on a beach with white sand and clear blue water. People who listen intently turn me on. There is nothing like someone giving you thier full attention to make you feel special and want to give them some attention in return.
Pubic hairstyle: Shaved
What do your nipples look like? Like little pink cherries
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? My husband’s birthday two years ago when TBK and I teased him endlessly!
Any regrets? I do not believe in regrets. Regrets mean that you have done something that you believe is wrong. I have had fun with everything I have done in my life and I would take none of it back!
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? I believe you chose me for this because I am a strong and loving mother, wife and friend! I am honored to be a part of this!

I hate the Working Women’s Survival Show. I think they want you to believe that it is a feminist empowering sort of thing, but it’s not. I’ve been once or twice and was disgusted. Talk about false advertising - they should call it the “Hey Greedy Bitches - Free Samples! Show.”

A friend of mine went to the last one that was just here in St. Louis. She reported back to me:

I went to the Working Women’s Survival show for the first time. For some odd reason I was expecting it to be more focused on empowering women, but it seems that the majority of working women are surviving by buying a lot of stuff for their hair.

Whatever, I did engage in advanced trick or treating for samples, so it was all well and good……until sandwiched in between all the other booths on home improvement and hairspray, was a big pro-life booth, complete with all the fetus models and the fliers pointing out that abortion is the number one killer of African Americans.

I didn’t notice any other booths blatantly proselytizing their beliefs in the same manner as that….and there sure as hell wasn’t a pro choice booth. I was so insta-angry about the whole thing that I even forgot to ask the ProLifers if they had any samples.

Here you have me, Ms. Hypersexual, interviewing an openly Asexual woman. I thought asexual people didn’t exist! Silly me. She sure showed me…

What does asexual mean?
Asexual means a person who does not experience sexual attraction. Of course, there are spectrums.

How old are you?
25. Old enough to know that I’m not just a late bloomer.

What’s the difference between celibate, abstinent, and asexual?
Celibacy and abstinence are choices. Asexuality is innate, not a choice, but a part of someone’s life that they cannot choose. It is the same as gays not being able to choose who they are attracted to.

Does being asexual mean you are not physically attracted to male or females? For example, I identify as bi-sexual. Do you have a sexual identity? Are you straight?
This is what I was talking about with spectrums. Though asexuals only make up 1% of the population, asexuality is NOT a narrow definition. Like sexual people, most asexuals do experience attraction in a wide spectrum. When I say attraction, I do not mean sexual attraction, but rather the appreciation of someone who looks good, or has a great personality. I am attracted to men, that is to say, some men are cute to me.

The difference between sexual people and asexual people is that asexual people simply do not want anything to do with the Sex part of a relationship, although other areas of a relationship may be okay - it is different for every person as to their comfort levels. Does that mean some want a relationship with another person? Yes.

Is being asexual a big part of your identity?
Yes. There are a few “I AMs” in my life, things that I am sure I am, and while they may waver, they never disappear. Asexuality is one of them.

Have you always been asexual, or were you ever interested in sex in your past?
I have always been asexual. Nothing happened to me (that I remember) that would cause me to become asexual. If there was, I would not be asexual, I would be celibate. All throughout high school I shied away from any sexual conversation. It has caused some tension between my friends and I in the past, before I discovered that there was a term for what I felt, and that I was not alone.

Do you think you will be asexual for the rest of your life?
Yes. Currently, I am beyond happy with who I am. I tried a relationship for two years with a wonderful man. He was very cute (meaning those who think “You just haven’t found the right person” should be bitch-slapped - that statement is untrue and a lack of understanding, but way too often mentioned to asexuals) and we had the same thoughts on a lot of stuff. He waited patiently as I tried to open up to new experiences. But the pressure of a relationship and what he would expect in the future, continued to make me extremely uncomfortable. After two years, I could no longer take it and I broke off the relationship.

Have you ever had sex?
No. I couldn’t get past heavy petting and kissing. Even those are too much for me, although I was at first uncomfortable just holding hands. Of course, quite a few of us asexuals have tried it, and found themselves worse off emotionally for the experience. Some tried it, but simply are indifferent - it was not any different or special to them as going to the store would be. There are two main types of asexuals - Indifferent and repulsed. I fit into the repulsed category.

What are your interests/passions?
I grew up with cockatiels and a dog as pets, so I love animals, especially birds. I have 3 cockatiels. I love color and design, which is why I run my own interior house painting company. I enjoy playing World of Warcraft for fun and anger management.

Were you abused as a child, sexually or physically?
Not that I remember. My family was great to me, and I have no inclination that anyone in my family may have abused me.

Are there any animal species you know of that are asexual?
Yes. Mice are one rather large animal species that have been through some general testing and the results are that a large population of mice are asexual. Other species are being looked at as well.

Are there any online resources for asexuality?
www.asexuality.org is the biggest website with the most information. There is a book in the works, and also a documentary. People from the website have been on TV - The View, Montel Williams, and multiple news stories. I have done two lectures to two of the largest colleges in our area to increase awareness in the GLBT groups at those colleges.

What do you think about nudity?
Appropriate in the shower. ::laugh:: In general, I would say it’s natural to be nude, however I am uncomfortable with being nude any other place than in the shower. I don’t believe nudity should be shown in public only because I don’t want to see it. I’m not a fan of artistic paintings, so I don’t want to see it there either. But that’s just me and I know that’s placing way too many specifications on a society in which *I* am the weird one.

Do you have a romantic partner/boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you want one? If so would you want them to be asexual too? No. Yes, and yes, he would have to be asexual.

Would you ever get married?
Yes. I wouldn’t mind that particularly, although I don’t have much in the way of dreams about a perfect wedding.

Do you ever want to have children? Do you like kids?
I hate babies, they annoy me. I would never want to have my own, the thought of me being pregnant completely revolts me. However, I would love to be a foster parent to older children like teenagers.

Do you ever think about sex involuntarily?
I usually only think about sex when something around me reminds me of it, like accidentally turning to a “women’s movie” in the wrong place, or seeing one of those damn viagra-type commercials.

Do you ever have dreams about sex?
Unfortunately. Thankfully they are rare. My dreams tend to send me lessons, so any dreams about sex are not necessarily a “hidden desire,” but a lesson I must figure out.

What do you think about sex? Does it make you uncomfortable? What aspects of sex do you find distasteful?
The physicality of it. I’m sure the emotional part is great, but the physical part makes me extremely uncomfortable and rather sick. Some of us however are indifferent, they simply don’t care about it.

Do you get annoyed by all the sex in media, ads, movies, music?
Yes, but I have learned to block a lot of it out. I don’t watch or listen to sexuality-driven songs/videos. Sexual-specific commercials (viagra, personal lube types) annoy the hell out of me.

What do you think of porn?
I always remember one quote I heard: “No man has ever died from a semen buildup”. That quote did cause me to think that it isn’t necessary to have porn. I think it’s a society thing more than a human necessity to need things like porn to “get rid of the tension.”

Do you appreciate the human touch?
Yes, touch is great! Massages are great (although non-sexual for me, more of a medical necessity) Cuddling is wonderful. That’s as far as I go though. I must mention though, not every asexual is the same. Some are very touch-aversive, some are okay with just about anything but the sex part. It is definitely a spectrum that differs with each person.

Do you wish more people were asexual?
It sure would be easier to find a asexual guy. I have a feeling that if we didn’t have so much sexuality in our culture and it was not almost a requirement for living in our society, more would be. However that’s just an idea of mine which may be wrong.

Are you on any medications?
None whatsoever, and for those who say “Well you should be!”, I have this to say: Why would I want to “fix” something when I am not broken? Only thing that needs fixing is your closed mind. Call me harsh but I don’t put up with people who are not tolerant of others or choose to not understand their differences.

1975: The Pet Rock

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1983: Cabbage Patch Kids

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1996: Tickle Me Elmo

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2008: Obama

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I cut my fingernails.

I have a confession: I’m obsessed with midgets. I know, I know, midgets is a very bad word and we shouldn’t use it. The correct word for a person of short stature is dwarf, or little person. But I love the word midget! (Holy crap, the Little People of America has an Adoption page!) Yes, I adore midgets, but I wouldn’t say they turn me on.

UNTIL

The other day I was watching a stupid Lassie movie with my daughter when I suddenly noticed an actor in the film, Peter Dinklage. It just is that I found myself attracted to him. He was sexyhot. Yes I saw The Station Agent, but in that movie he didn’t have facial hair.

But in this movie he had a beard, a billowy red shirt and boots, played a traveling gypsy puppetmaster, drove a horse drawn caravan and had a cute little scruffy dog sidekick and was kind to animals…

So there you have it - my MILF (midget I’d like to fuck).

Winona Ryder fucking a ventriloquist dummy in the movie The Ten. Wow that movie is a fucking trip. I have to say, I fell in love with her.

My fantasy relationship with Winona goes like this:

Beetle Juice - interested, such a cute little goth chick
Heathers - big crush
Edwards Scissorhands - do NOT go blonde, Noni!
Mermaids - back to crushing
Dracula - lusting
Age of Innocence - if only I had a virgin fetish
Reality Bites - crushing again
Little Women - another period piece??
How to Make an American Quilt - ultimate chick flick, I hate to approve
The Crucible - historical crush
Girl, Interrupted - distracted by that crazy Angelina Jolie
Autumn in New York - nice title, but NO FUCKING WAY. I’m mad at you for this one, Noni
{caught shoplifting and abusing prescription drugs} - Now I’m even madder!
The Day My God Died - OK, you’re starting to make it up to me, aren’t you?
The Ten - in love

Here is why Belladonna is my favorite porn star, right down to her toes:

1. She’s natural and edgy, shaves her head, no fake boobs, lots of tattoos (OK too bad she has a tramp stamp), she’s about my size, she’s a total fucking pervert. Oh and she’s down to earth. She’s sexy without the stereotypes.
2. She wears Converse chuck T’s.
3. I can relate to her. She started off in the porn industry as a scared and freaked out teenager doing prison gang bang scenes and had a rough road, but learned to own the scenes and embrace them. These days she’s super into it - she gets that sex is fun and worth celebrating. I think back to the first time I got up on a stage and stripped at age 19 - I was terrified. I’ve come a long way these past 15 years and have experienced some AMAZING things.
4. She starred in My Ass Is Haunted, a porn near and dear to my heart. I featured it way back in the beginning of this blog, and still thrill at the fire hydrant sized butt plugs, lube enemas, pregnant domming, “fucking hot pink holes” that get spit in, anal beads the size of golf balls, all lesbian super fucking hardcore anal action…
5. The adorable gap in her front teeth.
6. She’s a world traveler.
7. She’s pansexual.
8. She’s smart.
9. She is such a dirty fetish slut who makes hardcore porn look like Sesame Street.
10. She talked about sock monkeys on a youtube video where she sings Christmas carols.
11. She starred in a movie called “Butthole Whores 2.”
12. She does double penetration with a smile.
13. She does double anal!!!
14. She wears cute Japanese slippers and funky tights.
15. She was born in Mississippi and grew up in a Mormon household in Utah.
16. She paid for her older sister’s college.
17. She has a daughter named Myla (Myla starred in her first porn before she was even born, as the bulge of a pregnant giant dildo-wielding dyke.)

Ahhh, Belladonna…

Just so you know, this wasn’t terribly comfortable. Neither was what happened once he got me tied up like this…

Here are my comments on this video of a woman tied beautifully to a futon getting the forced Hitachi Magic Wand treatment:

1. HOT ROPES!
2. I want to act this hot sub move out myself.
3. Nice neutral background.
4. Her passive struggling and quiet moaning is oh so hot.
5. I like the black strap on her mouth.
6. Her fake boobs are awful, as well as the dark grey eyeshadow and hay-like hair, but whoah, hot bod!
7. Futons are never comfortable.