The Beautiful Kind

I know, I’m on a gross food kick lately. Look at these turtles I bought at a country grocery store that other day:

They were grey and petrified. Even so, I bit into one. Bad idea. Seriously, I wonder how old they were. I’m guessing 200 years old. I gave them a proper burial.

Alias: GreenEyes
Age: 28
Relationship status: Complicated but relatively blissful
Sexual orientation: Bi and poly
Favorite physical feature on yourself: Hair, eyes, bum
Beauty tip: Go visit LUSH. Not only do their products make my skin super soft, but the ritual of a luxurious bath and the utter self-indulgence makes me feel beautiful.
Charity you support: Greenpeace, Missouri Alliance for Animal Legislation.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? One of those strip aerobics/pole dancing classes. It’d be to watch cute, shy girls start to embrace their inner goddesses, watch them blush while they look in the big mirror at themselves ; touch themselves, ok, gotta refocus here
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? I’d like to know more about the medicinal and culinary uses of herbs.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? Yes, a girlfriend and I had a whole imaginary world where we were princesses and boys did what we said. We were like 8.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Uproot my entire life at 18 and move halfway around the world to be with the man I loveD.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): I’m a great teacher. To me, teaching is really one of those skills that cannot be learned, you must be born to do it. I’ve taught many things in my life including gymnastics, languages, and dog bite prevention!
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): I’m a squirter and have “taught” this to other girls…
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17. To a guy in a tent. I’d met him 3 hours`earlier when we went skinny dipping.. He was Asian and really hot, however during/after sex he kept muttering ” I love you, I love you”! I thought “WTF” and left…
The last time you had sex, and with who: Gosh, it was forever ago, like last week.. with whom? My little secret, but it was go-od !!
Tattoos/piercings: Alright, alright, I admit it, I have a tramp stamp! Got it about 10 years ago when I lived in London. Had nose pierced, now just ears. Not too long ago I saw this girl with tiny stars tattooed on her ear lobes, I want that!
What type of person are you into? A person that is true to who they really are. Quirky girls, guys with nice bodies. Artists. Musical guys
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? Turn ons include: girls with long hair, FFM threesomes, a nice spanking, a well-placed and well-timed bite, someone watching…fantasies are many and varied, right now most of them seem to include some form of DP.
Pubic hairstyle: What pubic hair ?
What do your nipples look like? Pale and pink and pretty…
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? Two very different moments come to mind: When my ex-army ex-boyfriend used a gun on me as a dildo. The feeling of cold, hard metal and the danger was incredibly hot. Also, one time I had an orgasm just by staring in to this girl’s eyes as she was getting fucked by her husband. Our bodies were so intertwined and our feelings for each other so intense that I could feel everything she felt. When she came, so did I.
Any regrets? Nah…
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? ‘Cause you wanna know all my secrets

My mom has been eating a lot of pork rinds lately. Mmm, flayed pig skin seasoned with smoke flavoring.

Here’s the wrapper of a bag she just finished, note the happy pig wearing the chef hat:

Here’s the other side:

A closer look:

I like how this company profits off the mass slaughter and mutilation of pigs so people can snack on their blistered skin, yet they use this bible quote to sneak in some proselytizing. I wonder how much God loves slaughterhouses.

Here’s a computer geek from Billings, Montana.

Name: Sean, 18, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Last time I got laid was about 5 months ago when i broke up with my ex
Where do you live? Billings, Montana USA
Your living arrangement: I live in a house with a couple of my friends
Job situation: I have two jobs, one delivering pizzas and the other is the National Guard and I love both
Fashion sense: Mostly I dress casual
Grooming habits: Shower daily, shave every other day, wear cologne (lightly) daily
Addicted to anything? The internet, actually.
Hobbies: Video games, browsing the internet, shopping, billiards, bowling, fixing computers
Sports: Paintball, I try to get out as often as I can so maybe once or twice a month.
Do you exercise regularly? Yes, actually six days a week.
Places you hang out: Pool hall, work, the mall
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? A few
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? About 3-4
How many people do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) Two people I work with I really would like to fuck, but be it conflicting schedules or habits nothing ever seems to happen. Another girl who I’ve stayed over at her house several times through the night but it’s awkward when we try anything, and another girl entirely who won’t fuck before marriage.
What do you like to eat? Sushi, healthy food, sandwiches, stir fry, anything Asian really.
What kind of porn do you like? I tend to like mild S&M, anal, guy on girl, orgies, three ways, amateur
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Panties… seeing them, feeling them, smelling them, they’re amazing. Biting… oh my god… almost anywhere especially my neck. Blood, the taste the feel the texture. dripping wax, there’s nothing quite like that i can assure you, roleplaying, Japanese women as well, not to such a degree as anything else but still.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I like both, it depends on my mood, sometimes I want to be controlled and demeaned, and other times I want to take charge and crack the whip.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6 on an off day but normally a 7
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 5
One word to describe your voice: Relaxing
Religion: Athiest
Charity you would give money to: Make a Wish Foundation
Music you listen to: Jazz, Metal, Rock, Classical
Movies you have loved: SLC Punk, Goodbye Lenin, Mostly Martha, Full Metal Jacket
Do you like to read? If so, what? Anything by Chuck Palahniuk, Ender’s Game, George Carlin
How often do you watch television? Very rarely
Restaurant you like: NARA (sushi bar)
Person you respect/admire: My grandfather
Past relationship history: Two serious relationships, each two years or longer. Three others during high school. I’ve been in love twice.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Eh, you’re a regular guy having a dry spell right now. You have way too many interests that are testosterone heavy - I doubt you’ll find any romance on the Paintball range or the pool hall, but maybe you can make a sushi date with someone from an online dating site. I’ve heard good things about OkCupid.

Oh and nice fetishes by the way. I hope you find a nice girl who DOES bite.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

OK, what the fuck is this? I’ll tell you. It’s SNICKERS CHARGED.

Why does a candy bar need caffeine and taurine added to it? Why does a candy bar have to be fucked with to the point that it’s “not suitable for children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine”?

What the hell is taurine anyway? (”Bull semen,” my friend told me.) I looked it up:

Taurine is a nonessential sulfur-containing amino acid that functions with glycine and gamma-aminobutyric acid as a neuroinhibitory transmitter. At times of extreme physical exertion, the body no longer produces the required amounts of taurine, and a deficiency results.

Who are all these people who are exerting themselves so much that they need extra taurine?

Of course I bought one and tried it. It tasted slightly less comforting, and I didn’t feel like a superhero afterwards. I think I’ll just stick with people semen from now on.

The other day I went to a lecture at Washington University for healthcare professionals on how to interact and understand patients who are GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, transgendered - and yes, I think of BLT sandwiches every time I hear the term.)

Here are the notes I took that I think are worth sharing:

- GLBT folks are the only group who learn to hate the group they belong to before they realize they are part of that group. No wonder so many gay people have low self-esteem.

- GLBT folks are raised without a good support system. A black kid grows up in a black family, so any racism they encounter gets dealt with in a supportive way; their parents are aware of these issues, and are ready to talk about them. Gay kids are certainly not raised by gay parents, don’t understand the feelings he or she may be having, and are steered towards heterosexual interests, which leads to nothing but frustration and feeling alienated.

- GLBT folks are hypersexualized because they are exposed to sex at such a young age. What do I mean by that? Well, if a gay boy is sent to summer camp, he’s showering with all these other boys and seeing all their naked bodies and getting turned on. I mean, if you’re a straight man, imagine if you had to shower with a bunch of girls - would you be unfazed?

As for me, I’d have girl sleepovers and didn’t realize we were supposed to just watch movies and paint each other’s nails. I thought it was a fabulous trick we were pulling on our parents - they had no idea they were hosting lesbian trysts and that we stayed up half the night humping each other.

“Would you like a Dr. Chewy?”

- my mom, offering me a marshmallow peep

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Here is a 70’s porn featuring Superman.

- Strangely, I find this sexy.
- I love her natural boobs and her oh-so-unnatural bleached beehive wig.
- The red neck scarf is a nice touch.
- Music = AWESOME
- Check out Superman’s wrists about 10 seconds in - he looks like he’s one hairy fucker under that blue outfit.
- I love how down-to-business and pleasantly professional she is with getting on her knees to give Superman a blow job.
- Oh my GOD that’s a nice cock.
- Wait, where the fuck are they - a gym? No, a Porsche tune up center. ??
- YIKES his ass is pale and the crack is hairy.
- You better believe Superman gets a hot threesome and shoots his wad right in their willing upturned faces!
- Why the fuck is he wearing white sports socks??
- I LOVE the way he says “I’m cumming” slightly out of sync 51 seconds into the clip and then when he does, he’s barefoot. They knocked his socks off!

So. Why do you think they have this dummy head sitting around their house?

The Belle told me she hasn’t had her period in a year. She’s been to doctors about it and they don’t seem too concerned.

“If you hang out with me more, you’ll become regular,” I told her.

“Really?”

“Yep, you don’t hang out with other women much. (she’s such a little tomboy!) When women spend a lot of time together, like in dorm rooms, they often get on the same cycle.” (OK, this hasn’t been proven, it’s just a theory.)

Anyway, the morning after the first night we fucked, she got her period.

And I earned my Red Wings. (OK, she was wearing a tampon, but I felt it with my tongue!)

Yesterday La Bluegirl touched on one of my favorite fetishes - incest. Like La Blue, I feel the need to state that I have never wanted to fuck someone I am really related to, but the fact of the matter is, if I’m reading erotica where two people are having sex, sure I get turned on.

But if the two people in the story are brother/sister or uncle/niece or father/daughter, well that just gets my clit all boiled up in a knot and sends me over the edge.

I’m not sure why this is the case - I was molested by an older adopted brother when I was 8 or 9, but you would think that would gross me out and maybe even make me hate sex. I’ve also heard that people can become hypersexual if they are exposed to sex too early.

I have a guy friend who also has the incest fetish, and we like swapping stories. Here’s one of his fav scenarios:

I fantasize about me being her uncle and her being 14 and her having wanted me for years and finally getting a chance, when she sits on my lap when I’m on the couch at a family function, and no one is paying attention to us and she starts subtly gyrating her body against mine and she can feel how completely hard she’s making me, so we pull a blanket over us and she lifts up her short skirt so I can drill my cock into her virgin pussy. We are both totally turned on but we have to pretend like nothing is going on because the family is around. Her pussy is so tight that my cock can just stay inside her while she contracts her pussy around it and finally all she has to do is bounce up and down the slightest amount and I shoot my cum deep inside her.

I’m as opposed to processed food as the next hippie, but omigod those Hot Wings/Blue Cheese Collisions Doritos are like crack.

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Alias: La Bluegirl
Age: 29
Relationship status: Single in Western KY, about two hours from St. Louis.
Sexual orientation: Straight - not that I haven’t had a girlfriend, but she broke my heart. And I really do love me some men. Okay…their dicks.
Favorite physical feature on yourself: I have great tits, they make the best pillow in the world, but I also love my beautiful eyes and lips.
Beauty tip: I’m a firm believer in keeping your eyebrows plucked. It totally frames your face. I also exfoliate like a mad woman, it keeps your skin soft.
Charity you support: Spouse Abuse centers and Rape Crisis.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? I am such a Gemini…I’m like, uh, Guns, Quilting, Survival, Cooking, Computers, Mixed Martial Arts, Creative Writing…..
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? How to be a better writer, and all that crazy survivalist shit…I want to be Linda Hamilton someday.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? Yes, and she was badass.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? I finally left my psycho husband, even though he had been blackmailing me forever. I had to tell my parents that we had been doing bad shit, and that he was holding it against me, threatening to take my baby away if I left him, and that’s why I hadn’t left his crazy abusive ass. He really about killed us. It was hard, because I had to ask for help, and whenever I have asked for help it has always turned around and bitten me on the ass…and not in the good way.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Writing. Cooking kickass southern food. Touching my tongue to my nose. Make-up, plucking eyebrows. Appreciating life.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): Blowjobs. I have a really long tongue,and I use my hands a lot. But honestly, all it takes to be good at sex is just being willing to please and enjoying it. And fuck, I enjoy it.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 13 - But it was great. I was visiting my grandparents in Minnesota, and he was this punk rock boy who loved me, and it was beautiful. I don’t regret it for shit.
The last time you had sex, and with who: Last June. I know, how sad is that? It was with this blue collar barbarian that I used to date, and I was in my fourth month of pregnancy and horny as all get out. He was good enough to help a girl out. And that boy could make me come buckets. He would just pound me into the headboard…and I’m thinking it’s about goddamn time. I need some more of that.
Tattoos/piercings: My tongue is pierced, because I have an awesome tongue.
What type of person are you into? I like a man who is a Man. I need a guy who wants to protect and provide. And I can be the nurturing sweetheart, who loves sex but is also faithful. I want a guy who loves dumb shit like MST3K, can fix a car or a computer, who can break a neck if he needs to, and can appreciate a woman who is a good mother, a sexy mate, his best friend, and can fight as hard as he can. So if you are that guy, TBK knows how to find me.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? I hate to say it, but I love the stories on Literotica.com that are all about incest/daddy’s little girl. I swear to God, I don’t want to fuck my dad, but those are the stories that get me off. I think it has to do with trust and dominance, a male authority figure, pleasing “daddy” - and maybe the force and taboo. You want a man to want you so badly that he is willing to break all the rules to have you, and that he wants to take care of you even as he’s tearing you to shreds…mmmm….
Pubic hairstyle: trimmed.
What do your nipples look like? They are really large, a caramel and rose color, and I love that they get completely hard.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? God, so many I don’t even remember. You know, all my sex is great. I fall into a boy, when I am with him, that’s all there is in the world. I love the taste of his shou lder, that feeling when his cock slides in me, and clamping down on him, he is my end all be all….I’ve had so many good times, I couldn’t even tell you. Someone once told me that I have sex to celebrate my goddess…that even though the guy might not mean anything to me that I become this incarnation of lust and have this very female power that I just revel in, and that it’s magic when it happens….
Any regrets? Yeah…whenever I fall in love, I’m like, damn, I wish you had been the only one. Just because love means that much to me. But then I wouldn’t be the kick ass lover that I am, right?
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? Shee-at, bitch…lol. Okay, I think you chose me because we are both sexy bitches who love sex but are great moms, too. But I KNOW why you started this YABTK thing…you just wanted an excuse to stop random hot girls that you didn’t already know! lol Hey, it’s a good reason! Who doesn’t want to be a beautiful kind?!

The Belle: Do you have a razor so I can shave my legs?
Me: Here - I haven’t used this one.
The Belle: We’ve rubbed our pussies together - I’m hardly worried about some skin cells from your razor.
Me: Good point.

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How weird is this: I’m deathly afraid of getting on a stage. Acting or singing in public would freak me out. The thought of speaking in front of a group of people makes my heart pound. I get all nervous for my guy when he’s about to perform music.

But here’s the thing: I don’t mind being naked in front of people or even fucking.

I told all this to a friend and he suggested that I try public speaking naked. I know this is most people’s Top 3 bad dream scenarios, but I think he’s on to something.

I think I’ll prepare a talk on the merits of vegetarianism and present it nude, concluding with a vegan spread laid out on my supine naked body. If my audience has a taste for flesh, they can always eat me.

I hate whoever recommended this movie to me. You know who you are, you dirty dozen. I hate you.

Yes, it’s a good movie, but FUCK! What’s one word to describe it - intense? Too bad “completely fucked up” is three words.

I won’t spoil it for you if you haven’t seen it yet (the creepiest sick violence EVER) but I do want to point out that the Bad Guy (really, “bad guy” isn’t the right phrase - “Heinous Guy”? “Evil Guy”?) in the movie reminded me of Beatle Bob.

Bad Guy in the movie:

Beatle Bob:

I can’t wait to see it again.

Further proof that I’m a pervert: I’m able to get turned on by really bad movies.

Last night I subjected my dears to watching Sadomania, a completely campy cult film made in 1981 by a total Spanish freak who thumbs his nose at Christian morals. At first I thought it was going to be as lame as Fuego! but I was happy to discover that it fulfilled about 90% of my fetish checklist turn ons:

- boots
- needle and blood play
- sadism
- rape
- girls in cages
- woman chained to a chair getting raped by a dog
- impregnantation
- lesbianism (forced and Stockholm Effect-ed)
- more rape

Don’t get me wrong - the movie was fucking awful and rife with fake moustaches, crocodiles and corn syrup blood and we had to fast forward through a few parts just to make our way through it and I don’t recommend it at all, but I did fantasize about the rape scene (wait, I have to be more specific: the one where the bald guy has the woman chained naked in the belly of a boat and molests her slowly and her beautiful small breasts quiver with disgust) later on that night as The Belle worked me over, so it wasn’t a total wash.

The Beau gives it a two thumbs up because all the women in the film were topless and it was before the boob job plague! The toplessness almost made up for the fact that their prison uniform was super short jean shorts. Oh and the gangrene boob was pretty gross.

It was only after the movie that we realized the lead bad girl, Ajita Wilson, was a transexual and former male - we were really marveling at how much her body resembled a Japanese anime girl.

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“Kissing someone who is wearing flavored lip gloss is AWESOME!”

- The Belle, after grabbing and kissing me

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A porn site featuring emaciated women. You go here when the NYTimes fashion magazine just doesn’t cut it.

The site has a disclaimer that states, “all girls appearing on the site are 18 and over.” They should also add “and less than 80 pounds.”

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