Ask The Slut: How Do I Get My Guy to be Rough With Me?
Filed under: Ask The Slut - March 28, 2008 @ 5:00 amDear Slut,
I am a very sexual person and have been this way since about age 18. I am Bi, and pretty open about anything sexual. I recently have been super interested in the dom/sub thing and some mild sexual violence. I want to try it, but can’t seem to find the right guy. The guy I am seeing right now is somewhat dominant and we have fun, but how do I explain to him that I won’t be scared if he gets more intense?
I tried to explain this to the last guy I was seeing by saying, no really, it’s ok, I want you to push my limits. But then it was still a disappointment when we had the same old sex, except this time he held my arms above my head, woo woo. It was not the thrill I was hoping for. How can I attract the right dom kind of guy, or how can I bring it out of the guy I am sleeping with currently? Any ideas?
A wannabe sub, lol
Dear Sub,
Yay for you not settling for vanilla sex! It’s not easy finding a guy who can pull off the rough sex - too often the boyfriend types are too squeamish to do it, and the hookup guys are happy to oblige, but the trust factor isn’t there, so the scene is tinged with anxiety and is therefore spoiled.
Here are some random suggestions (some obscene, some appropriate) as well as a sweet shot of The Beau forcing me to suck his cock, god that gets me hot just looking at it:
1. Get drunk. Drinking loosens inhibitions, but only have 2 or 3, you don’t want to get sick.
2. Find an older guy. You need someone who is mature and experienced to dom you.
3. Utilize the fetish checklist - try it out on your current boyfriend, and keep it on hand for future possibilities. Both of you should fill it out. You’ll be able to tell straight away if a person has potential to rough you up. (You know what I really like? Gentlerough - when a strong powerful man holds back a little as he has his way with you - knowing that he could brutalize you but is instead grabbing you by your hair or wrapping his arm around you or pinning you down or putting you where he wants you in this confident, forceful way that is just breathtaking instead of bully-ish.)
4. Turn it into a game. Try getting him to wrestle/horseplay. Challenge him: “Bet you can’t get my jeans off.” Man, what a fun bet.
5. Another way to bring it up with the guy you’re with now is to talk about it out of the bedroom when things aren’t hot and heavy. Tell him you want to see how rough you can take it, and establish a safe word that you can use in case you want activities to halt. That way he can feel safe that you’re in control and will let him know when enough is enough.
Check it out! This is the first Ask The Slut question that is also being answered by The Beau - get the male/dom perspective to this topic here. And remember, I brought out his inner dom — pre-TBK, he treated the ladies with kid gloves. Hell, maybe he still does, I wouldn’t know - I’m no lady!
March 28th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I read some things recently that really helped me understand sub/dom better. There are different types of sub/dom relationships, some scene only, some lifestyle. Some people get really freaked out about talking about various sex scenes/roles outside the bedroom. One great way to establish your place as a sub is to think more about what you do FOR your dom and not nearly so much about what you want your dom to do TO you. It makes sense if you think about it, its really not very sub to be telling the person you want to dom you what to do all the time. Simply begin BEHAVING as a sub and if its meant to be it will take its course. TBK’s suggestions 1 and 4 are both great, a little alcohol the first few times can loosen people up then later sessions will be like second nature.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
This morning my man threw me over his shoulder caveman style and the grunting, primal caveman play was hot. We call it “being macho” or cocky, but I like the way you call it gentlerough.I think it’s all much more fun without alcohol, plus you can have wild sex and then go to work ;-).
March 30th, 2008 at 1:40 am
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your man what to do, but Dor’s right, that’s not typical sub behavior. But so what! This IS for you, your fantasy, to be roughed up. The wrestling suggestion is GREAT. It gets very forceful and physical and hot and sexy…esp when you can talk a little shit during, about how he wants it so bad but you aren’t going to give it to him…tease him about how weak he is, make him mad! Another way is to tie him up, and be a mean little cocktease. Be kinda bitchy about it, and tease him mercilessly! He’ll be straining at the ropes, ready to fuck you hard and mean…but be ready, when you let him go…he’s gonna fuck the bejesus outta ya!
March 30th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
But what about the guys who are just not into being a dom? No matter how much you tell them what turns you on, what you’d like them to do to you, what you’d like them to ask/demand/command of you, they just don’t feel comfortable in the dom role. Men like this do exsist. Much to the dismay of those of us who want to be sub to them.
Do we just go out and find ourselves a whole new relationship in which the new partner would be the dom we dream of? Or do we settle for another serving of quasi-vanilla?
The frustrated BlueRidgeButterfly.
March 30th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
BlueRidge, some people aren’t cut out to be doms. You should read this article I wrote for Dan & Jennifer:
http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/sex-intimacy/bondage-fetishes-fantasies/are-you-dom-or-sub-sexual-compatibility-in-the-bedroom/
I don’t think anyone should settle for vanilla if that’s not what they want. Sometimes you don’t know that you are sexually mismatched with someone until later on.
I strongly advocate everyone knowing and acknowledging what their kinks and dom/sub stance is as they look for a mate.
Our culture is largely serial monogamist. Most people have just one partner and that relationship lasts 7-10 years.
Now that you know what you do now, I say arm yourself with this information as you look for your next partner.
Either that or a) keep being frustrated or b) find a middle ground you can live with or c) seek fulfillment elsewhere while keeping the person you’re with now as your primary partner. A lot of people do that, either secretively (affair/cheat) or open and honestly (discuss sexual activity and rules with their partner.)
Life is too short to settle.