The Beautiful Kind

Dear Slut,
You seem to have little trouble getting into the mood no matter what. Ive been with same woman for 11 years and we’ve been married for almost six. We have a good monogamous sex life and are both open minded and try new things.

The only time we seem to have trouble getting in the mood is during the winter, especially the dead of winter! Both of us get the winter blahs a little, me more than her I think. Sex just doesn’t seem as fun when it’s so fucking cold and dreary! I was wondering if you or anyone else has this issue, or are we just nuts.
I Should Be Hibernating

Dear Moody Bear,
GOD yes, I’ve heard of this from a few people lately - I can see this being an issue especially if you share outdoor hobbies with your partner or connect well on summer vacations. The official term for winter blahs or post holiday blues is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It’s related to light and drudgery. So people who get SAD feel fine the rest of the year, but it’s the winter months that bring them down and zap all the zest out of things they usually find pleasurable.

You should look into a light therapy lamp - just look at this stylish number, all egg-shaped and glowing with life. (egg = symbol of fertility!)

Don’t leave your wife out in the cold - perk yourself up with a trip to a sex shop and pick out a little something for your sexy selves - body paint, a new vibrator, or a Lite Brite, ha ha.

And yeah yeah, exercise and get yourself outdoors.

Next year recharge with a proper getaway to Florida, Cancun, or a tropical cruise. For now, check the travel section of your newspaper and snag a weekend special to get you closer to the equator.

If you have a few hundred bucks, it’s worth it. I mean, what else are you going to spend your money on - beer? cable bill? C’mon, you deserve it - and your woman will love the Little Miss Sunshine treatment.

My opinion counts. Send your kinky queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me she noticed I had seemed withdrawn lately. Thinking nothing of it, I said, “Well I’ve just been a little overwhelmed.”

Finally she mustered up the courage to broach what was on her mind. “I just want to make sure you’re not in an abusive relationship.”

HAHAHAHHAHA

I assured her, “Oh no Mom, he only hits me when I ask him to.”

She thought I was joking. Eh, better not show her this pic.

But wait, there’s more. They came over last weekend and he greeted them wearing a wifebeater shirt. Seriously, it’s a laugh a minute around here.

Alias: HisLittleSlut.
Age: 32.
Relationship status: In a relationship.
Sexual orientation: Bi.
Favorite physical feature on yourself: Breasts.
Beauty tip: Stand up straight.
Charity you support: American Cancer Society, Missouri Pit Bull Rescue, and Pit Bull Rescue Central.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? WordPress/web design
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? Photography.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? As wild as my imagination was, surprisingly no.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? Left my marriage.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (Non-sexual): Reading aloud.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (Sexual): Deepthroating.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 22 nearly 23.
The last time you had sex, and with who: Yesterday? With my boyfriend, D.
Tattoos/piercings: One tattoo in memorial of a loved one on my lower back, one nose piercing.
What type of person are you into? Authentic people with an artistic side.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? BDSM, DP, cum play, girl/girl, exhibitionism, doggy style.
Pubic hairstyle: Shaved with a well-groomed strip at the top.
What do your nipples look like? Perky, erect.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? My first threesome with The Beautiful Kind and The Beau Kind.
Any regrets? One major regret.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? My authenticity and passion.

I LOVE when it snows, cuz it means my man is going to put on the combat boots (aka “fuck me boots”) and go out to shovel the snow and clean off my car.

I was running around getting things done in the house as he sat on the couch to lace them up. I stopped dead in my tracks to watch, then realized that I was having a Pervert Moment - taking something completely ordinary and tainting it with dirty thoughts.

My daughter got in on it and insisted on a heebie jeebies pose. He demurred, but she was so adamant on capturing a Child Stomper shot, he finally played along and we got this awesome pic. Very Dolce & Gabbana.

We put the kid to bed, and he was sitting on the couch. I was wearing a robe, and nothing underneath. I walked up to him, let the robe fall open, gave him an eyeful of creamy breast, sweet belly and curves. I straddled him and started nuzzling on him. It felt really nice to be wrapped around him like that.

He was beaming of course, but warned me, “Just so you know, I’ve already gotten off three times today.”

I had been out running around all day and he had stayed home to work, write, read, practice, set up his music studio and so forth. He had told me earlier that he hadn’t got much done. And no shit - it takes him like an hour to get off.

I laughed. “So you spent three hours masturbating today?”

“Pretty much,” he admitted.

The poor guy has to squeeze in his masturbating time nowadays. Used to be it was his only form of sexual release, and he still likes doing it for its own hedonistic alone-time pleasure and for the sake of nostalgia. Usually he does it right after we have sex, so that he can recharge in time for my next attack.

I saw this article on masturbating when in a relationship. It basically condoned the practice, but gave reasons why men whack off in place of sex with their partner:

He wishes to anger or punish his partner over some conflict in their relationship. Sometimes he holds skewed expectations about sex with a partner: Perfectionistic images of what his partner’s body should be, seeking acceptance of any level of his self-centered sexual behavior, and unrealistic ideas about the ease and intensity of his partner’s sexual response.

Yikes! Y’all need to work that shit out. In the meantime, I still got mine, but he was tapped OUT for the day.

Me, sitting downstairs, working on my laptop.

My guy and our fabulous girlfriend upstairs in the bedroom, giggling and carrying on as they practice tying each other up.

Him, carrying her down the stairs like a piece of luggage (she’s a spinner) and presenting her at my feet like a cat gifting his guardian with a mouse.

As soon as she got untied, she attempted to kick his ass in order to regain her dominance. She gave it a lot of try, but he weighs twice as much as she does. Holy crap it was a fun fight to watch.

Ya gotta love it.

This one was tricky!

Name: Doug, 28, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: A few months ago with my ex.
Where do you live? Marietta, GA
Your living arrangement: Apartment, one roommate, female.
Job situation: I work all freelance. Often I work fourteen hour days, six days a week for two months and then sit idle for two weeks. My work has a dash of glamor, certainly more than being an accountant, but I’m no one important. I really like my job. It’s not exactly what I told myself I was going to do when I grew up but it’s closer to it than most people get. I’m paid well but I’m on the road a lot.
Fashion sense: Most of the time, jeans, button up shirt, boots. When I’m on a job it depends on where I am since I’m outdoors in all weather. I rarely leave the house without a jacket or sportcoat, though. I have too many things to carry, phone, wallet, keys, pens, business cards etc, to fit comfortably in pants pockets. When I have to wear a suit, it’s properly tailored. I own almost no t-shirts.
Grooming habits: I shower daily. Sometimes I keep a very close cropped beard and sometimes not. When I’m busy for days on end I may forget to shave and end up looking a bit scruffy.
Do you floss regularly? Every other day, maybe every third if I’m traveling.
Do you drink? Pretty often, socially.
Do you smoke? Cigars.
Addicted to anything? Besides the show Heroes, no.
Do you have pets? Had to give up my dog. I’m just on the road too much. She’s well looked after, though.
Hobbies: Skydiving, hiking.I play a weekly poker game. I used to have a motorcycle but I gave it up.
Sports: I watch virtually no sports save the Super Bowl for the commercials.
Do you exercise regularly? Several years ago I was training for a triathalon but didn’t get too far. Work keeps getting in the way. It’s more correct to say that I work out intensely when I have the time. I also avoid getting in the the car if I don’t have to so I walk for miles.
Places you hang out: Skydiving center in the summer. The Irish pub down the street a day or two a week. I attend a local fetish club when they’re holding events of any size. I stop in at the coffee shop next door almost every day when I’m able.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? Close or that I spend a lot of time with? Three that I see often, five if you count the two exes that are still very dear to me but that I don’t see from day to day.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one: That I would like to, that I have a chance with or with whom I’m willing. There are a number of women that I’d like to fuck but I have a personal rule against sleeping with friends’ exes, no matter how desirable or how willing, and this reduces the pool a bit. Of those remaining, oh, at least ten off the top of my head. Three are married, engaged or otherwise spoken for. Four I have a professional relationship with. Two have moved elsewhere and remaining one keeps saying she desperately wants to but bows out as soon as clothes threaten to come off.
How’s your eye contact? Depends on the purpose. I’m a strong communicator, whether with an individual or in a group and I’m comfortable around people. I maintain eye contact in conversation but without staring. Occasionally I will get deep into thought and look off into space. I’ve thusly been accused of staring. Usually, I apologize and explain myself and get let off the hook.
What do you like to eat? I eat virtually anything. I worked in fine dining in college so I’m well versed in the finer points of culinary hedonism. I can pick wine and I can pronounce and identify virtually anything on a fancy menu. I also like buffalo wings and other pub foods. I’m picky about my sushi and I don’t much care for country style cooking. Breakfast is my favorite meal to eat out, though I don’t get to do it too often.
What kind of porn do you like? Porn is a glorious thing. I like just about all kinds of porn, provided it is well made. Tits and fucking aren’t enough if I’m not convinced or if it’s made without artistry. I tend not to like girl/girl porn because it always seems so contrived. I get off more on the perceived enjoyment of the people I’m watching than on the act, itself.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I’m pretty kinky but if I had to narrow it down, I like anal play of all sorts, giving and receiving. I like group sex, though not anonymous orgies. Blood play is intensely erotic but only with someone with whom I’m supremely intimate.
Are you dom or sub? I’m a switch though I tend to dom more than sub because I have to have perfect trust with my dom. In bed, rather than in a BDSM session, I prefer the woman to take charge if only by a little bit.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6 maybe 6.5
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? Honestly, I think women are prettier than men so I’m not sure the scales match up. That and it’s so much more about the connection than the looks but, I guess a 5.
One word to describe your voice: Baritone
Car you drive or means of transportation: Convertible. Used to have a motorcycle and I’m thinking of going back. Generally, though, I don’t drive if I don’t have to.
Financial situation: Depends on how much work I’ve had lately. I live comfortably.
Your thoughts on breeding: Currently, no plans to have kids but I’m also not set against it. I have dated and would date someone with kids. Though, I get nervous if they expect me to assume some sort of fatherly role, especially if the relationship isn’t serious. That’s bad for the kids.
Religion: Pagan
Charity you would give money to: People United for the Separation of Church and State, Unicef, Smithsonian
Movies you have loved: Princess Bride is the only movie I can watch from beginning to end, start over, and watch again. Beyond that, I went to film school so my tastes are expansive. Dead Poet’s Society shaped my world view. Big Fish made me cry in front of my then-girlfriend. Boondock Saints is the movie I wish I had made. Quills was the most underrated movie of its year. Those are just movies made in my lifetime. I could go on all day.
Do you like to read? If so, what? I read about two books a week on average, less when I’m working, more when I’m idle. I like anything of power and grace, anything that illuminates emotionally or intellectually. My favorite books are Dune, Aztec, City of Saints and Madmen and Stranger in a Strange Land. In nonfiction I read a lot on international politics and economics. I have a large collection of books on film and television that I add to and reread regularly.
Restaurant you like: I’m unreasonably fond of Tex-Mex, probably because it’s getting more and more difficult to find. My favorite place is a five star Russian and French restaurant downtown but I can’t bring myself to pay that much for dinner more than once a year.
Favorite holiday: Of those commonly observed, Halloween. Of those unique to my religion, Beltane.
Past relationship history: Three serious relationships, been in love twice but twice more convinced myself that I was in love at the time when I really wasn’t. I still love one very deeply but she and I realized years ago that our life goals weren’t compatible. She lives elsewhere and we make a point of not complicating each others’ love lives.
Any physical issues: My teeth aren’t perfect. Some people thing it’s cute, most don’t notice. I’m slowly loosing my hair but that’s par for the course. Nobody would call me bald.
Weird habit: I’m always thinking several things at once. Sometimes I’ll be talking and make a realization about the thought in the background and I’ll stop talking mid-sentence without realizing it. People who’ve known me for a while are used to it. I don’t do it terribly often. I also drink a lot of hot tea, ten or more cups a day.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: In some ways you are such a typical dude, but in other ways you are completely odd. That’s what I love about this exercise - discovering the layers in a person. It’s easy to go around assuming everyone is normal, and if I saw you walking down the street I would have no idea that you were a pagan and into blood play. You = intriguing. Have you ever had a profile on Adult Friend Finder? For some reason I think of that site when I read your answers, but I sure wouldn’t recommend you waste your time on that. I’m fucking jealous that you are able to read two books a week - join a book group. Or a film meetup.

You’re an intense, erudite, picky, slightly critical person, and I think that would intimidate the average person. This might make you unapproachable. The eye contact thing might be weirding people out, too. I think you need to lighten up a little. I’m sure you don’t consider yourself arrogant, but you come off that way. You’re also a workaholic, but I guess it comes with the territory when working freelance - you take the work when it comes.

I could see you getting with a nice, outgoing Pagan girl - I wonder if there are any groups like that where you live. It sounds like you isolate yourself somewhat, you’re definitely an introvert. Female readers, are you picking up on a sexy vibe? All that good taste and intensity is getting clouded by the attitude - you come off as wary of people. Forgo being pompous and give being down-to-earth a try. You like taking risks (that skydiving hobby of yours is very hot) so next time you attend a new group, talk to them and mingle instead of eying them suspiciously. R-E-L-A-X.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

“Thank God It’s Not Just Me.”

- every single person who feels like they are a pervert or weirdo because they are into pantyhose or medical instruments or cuckolding and discovers an online community with hundreds or even thousands of members who are into the same thing

The other day a friend of mine sent me a link with the subject line “Animal Dildos!”

I thought yeah yeah, dildos with cute dolphin shapes, butterflies, etc.

Then I clicked on the link and discovered that it’s a company that sells dildos meant to simulate various animal cocks - the alligator being one of the most unusual, but hey they also have kangaroo and raccoon. And pig! Who wants to be fucked by a pig! I mean, I can see wolf…

The description for the gator dong:

It is a life sized “toy” of an Alligator penis. It has been made to closely resemble the entire penis and accurate in both shape and dimension. The toy itself is actually interesting to use once it’s inside. The curve looks intimidating, but it bends nicely once inside and can tickle spots you never knew you had

Here are my suggestions for styles they should add (as if Thor wasn’t scary enough): jellyfish, capybara, elephant, duck, and blue whale.

My friend showed me this website of barely legal teens, and I have to admit it’s hot. And so wrong! They all look 12-14 years old. But they are all 18 and over, most are over 21. Lil’ Lupe is 23. He told me the porn daddy of this site pays for all the girls to get braces put on, even if they don’t need them! Who knew getting into porn could be good for your teeth?

I’d love to roleplay that I’m some naughty little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing and an older man is showing her how to suck cock and fuck. Only my guy would have to really use his imagination, since I’m, well, 35 and a big slut.

Anyway, I’ve been getting a kick out of watching their intro videos. Check Little April’s video out. (That music!) She stole my panties. Seriously! See?

In Texas, I would be a big fat criminal in serious need of jail time. Why? Because I own more than five dildos.

They have a law that says if you own more than five dildos, it’s a felony.

If you go into a sex shop, you aren’t allowed to use the word “dildo” - you have to use a vaguer term, such as “educational device” or “demonstrator.”

Vibrators are “personal massagers,” BUT you can ask for butt plugs and have them called that, because the anus is not considered a sexual orifice in Texas. Here’s my question: why are real cocks legal? They should pass a law against that, and have all the Texas men line up to trade their dicks in for guns.

You can watch the whole documentary about this silliness - it’s called Dildo Diaries. Here is a ten minute excerpt.

UPDATE 2-14-08: Texas ban on sex toys overturned. Read about it here. No doubt Dildo Diaries gets at least some of the credit!

The best part of lesbian dating: Kissing a girl.

The worst part of lesbian dating: They can follow you to the bathroom. I like to be able to escape from my dates for a few moments, and I’m used to going out with men.

So every time I get up from the dinner table to go to the bathroom and I’m with a woman, I get a little anxious that she will come, too.

- Bass guitar
- Harp
- Piano (except when Liberace is playing it)
- Vibraphone (I LOVE that the name is shortened to “vibes”)
- Viola
- Violin
- Tribal drums
- Cello
- French horn
- Harmonica (I’m tempted to fuck little ol’ black men blues players when they play this)

Instruments that are, regrettably, not hot:
- Xylophone
- Electric guitar
- Tuba
- Trumpet
- Clarinet
- Ukelele

Instrument I can’t fucking stand
- Saxophone, even if a naked woman is playing it, dammit I cringe every time I hear it. This odd hang up I developed from hearing too much shitty Kenny G elevator music is ruining jazz for me.

OK so what do you think about bagpipes? Acoutic/electric guitar? Banjo? Accordian? Hot or not? I’m not so into the guy-with-guitar thing.