The Beautiful Kind

The Belle had a photo shoot the other night. When I saw this pic, I gave her hell: “You fucked Jedis without me?!?!”

That’s OK, I’m more into a threesome with Han Solo and Chewbacca anyway.

Last week my dad had an operation. At first he told people it was a hernia operation, but then he decided to come out and tell the true story: he was getting a penile implant. Yep, he was open and honest, just like my tagline. I am so proud of him.

He has had ED (erectile dysfunction, or impotence) for several years now. He tried a pump, viagra, injecting his dick with drugs, all to no avail. Doctors ran tests and ruled out psychological cause. They determined it was physical. What’s more, they discovered he basically had a stroke in his groin.

His doctors offered him three options for correcting the problem: a semi-rigid implant, a two-piece implant, and a three-piece implant. My dad went with the most popular choice these days, the Cadillac of penile implants: the three-piece, shown here.

Here’s how it works: all the spongy erectile tissue in the penis is replaced with two inflatable cylinders.  A small pump is positioned in the balls and a reservoir is placed above in the abdomen. The reservoir is filled with saline solution. When the guy wants an erection, he pumps the thing in his balls about 10 times, releasing the saline from the reservoir and filling the cylinders. When he wants it to go down again, he pushes a release button.

I watched the little video he got that explains the whole thing, and was amused to see all the phallic symbols at play as they showed happy men going about their lives with their implants: fishing poles, wood beams, boat oars, erect sails…

I asked how much something like this costs, and my dad told me it’s about $10,000, but Medicare pays 80%. Yep, MEDICARE IS PAYING FOR MOST OF THIS. They consider it more than elective surgery, I guess. Apparently, ED is a medical condition that warrants correcting.

My dad is super excited about his new dick and can’t wait to test it out in about six weeks. He thinks it will be even bigger and better than what he had before the stroke - a Robocock. Right now, though, he’s taking pain meds and heavy duty antibiotics (this is critical - if he gets an infection the whole thing has to be yanked out and he has to go through it all over again) and shielding his tender and swollen crotch from his dogs who keep jumping up on his lap.

OK fellas, let me ask you: if you couldn’t get an erection, would you get a penile implant? Mind you, if you have ED you can still orgasm, you just can’t get it up. Is my dad being vain here? Is it every man’s right to have a woody?

This was a guest post I did for CinemaActivist last week.

We’re all inundated with spam like this:

“Want to be well hung, with a thick, muscular tool? Now you can”

“She gives me head EVERY night now that I have such a large pecker”

“The trophy can now be in your pants”

and my personal favorite:

“For anyone who has ever wished upon a star for a bigger dick, here is the answer.”

I love imagining some guy sitting there wishing on a star, but not for a pony like most people, but for the pony’s DICK.

I have to admit, I’ve only been with one micropenis in my life, and it was disappointing for me. I think it would have gone over better had the guy said something to me ahead of time and not let me discover it on my own. Man was that awkward.

There’s a great documentary on the subject of penis size that was on BBC Three as part of a body image series. The complete doc can be viewed online. It’s called My Penis and Everyone Else’s.

The narrator of the film, Lawrence Barraclough, had to really work at getting in to men’s pants and persuading them to let it all hang out. Granted some of his ideas are a little in-your-face, like when he walks around crowded streets wearing a sandwich board that proclaims loudly, “I WANT TO TALK ABOUT PENISES.”

At first Barraclough could only delve into the topic by speaking with experts and visiting sites online like measurection.com, a resource that focuses on penis insecurities. He also visits a sex toy factory that sells products such as “The Stallion Pump” and herbal enlargement pills. (Note: none of this stuff works.)

Then he was able to come up with more creative ways to broach the subject, such as “preaching” to crowds (no one dares speak up, and then finally a black man does, and what he has to say is so sweet!) and hosting a clay penis sculpting session with a few women. Admittedly, the ideal penises in these women’s imaginations turned out to be on the hefty side. Barraclough admits in the film that he is half the size of an average size erect penis. But what is the average size, anyway? That is discussed as well.

Just about every woman interviewed in this doc comes across as a shallow bitch – take a look at the interview he conducts with the girlfriend of a man named Jared who’s about to undergo penis enlargement surgery – she really puts her penis – I mean, foot, in her mouth! (Just wait till you hear Jared’s pre-op penis size – now that’s a shocker.)

Barraclough gets to sit in on Jared’s penis enlargement surgery and watch this group of medical professional mutilate a perfectly normal sized cock and turn it into Frankenweiner. Holy man, watching that scene made me want to cry. They peeled it like a banana and stuffed his cock with bits of his own ass. They briefly follow up with Jared a few weeks after his surgery at the end of the film. Here’s a hint on how he’s doing: ouch.

The film concludes with a penis gallery photo exhibit. Grassroots-style, Barraclough solicits men to send in snapshots of their manhood, and within two weeks he receives over 100.

He opens the exhibit at The Foundry Gallery in London, and it’s just a matter of time before male patrons are stepping into a photo booth and leaving their own genital fingerprint to add to the wall. It’s like a group hug for penises. I have to admit I felt fulfilled.

The photo project is ongoing, visit snapyourchap.com to submit your flaccid faceless cockshot. I’m making my man do it!

Now that I’m going all femme, I have to tell you about this cupcake bar here in St. Louis. I’ve been meaning to check it out for a while, and finally did. We all know how I am about cupcakes.

(I snagged this pic from a cupcake blog that listed Jilly’s. I couldn’t get a pic from Jilly’s actual website because it’s a work in progress and sucks right now. Why do people balk at spending money on a decent website? I mean we spend money on some stupid shit - video games, designer handbags, a massage that only feels good for 10 minutes after it’s done…A website is like a pair of glasses - you don’t want to cut corners on something that is right there for people to look at everyday and is part of your identity.

I hate when people get a friend to build a website for them and then it looks like shit and you can’t read the text, or they pay some amateur $100 for a design and it looks like Frankenstein’s Monster. Just hire a professional to do it right and pay the $400+ and be a woman about it for chrissake, you get what you pay for.)

Speaking of paying, the cupcakes at Jilly’s cost $4+ a piece. But they’re huge and hedonistic - they are the LUSH version of baked goods. I mean, some of them have a piece of cheesecake in the center, or a chocolate covered strawberry. The s’mores cupcake has a perfectly toasted marshmallow on a stick, and the stick is a chocolate covered pretzel, and it’s next to a chocolate dipped graham cracker and the whole thing is drizzled with chocolate and it has a white gooey center. I’m getting turned on just thinking about it.

My favorite one was the bee sting - it was all lemony and honey and had a white chocolate honeycomb piece stuck on top, next to a delicate little bee made of sugar. Yep, I was freaked into heaven.

Last night The Belle and I took a bath.

We ran the tub and used a LUSH bath bomb of course. We lit candles, and in the candlelight we undressed. As she bent over to test the water, I found myself thinking, “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FUCKING HOT I GET TO TAKE A BATH WITH HER!” That’s right, I’m a 35 year old beautiful woman with the brain of a pimply faced 14 year old boy.

Her back tattoos seemed to move and slither in the flickering glow of the candlelight. Her skin gleamed smooth and supple, her backbone slightly visible. She is more lean and brown to my curvy paleness. But we are both so soft.

We both stepped into the bath, the water hot and fizzing, the steamy air filled with the smell of the ocean, salty seaweed, clean, blue. Way lay opposite each other, fitting together like interlocking puzzle pieces in the bathtub. She stroked my leg under the water as I held her foot in my hand. We talked about how we got to this point, what we liked about it, what we hoped would come of it.

Meanwhile, The Beau was out in the cold winter night, at the store picking up things for dinner. He came home and started cooking, and still we lounged in the tub. We switched so that we lay side by side in the narrow tub all entwined - I was amazed we both fit like that. I rest my head on her chest, caressed her belly. I found myself shy and unable to stare openly at her - I kept stealing glances.

She looked down at our resplendent bodies and exclaimed, “That is fucking hot!” I laughed and agreed. She went on to say, “Now I finally GET what guys see when they look at naked women, especially two women together.” (She’s a bi-virgin - or as she puts it, I’m going to take her birginity.)

Finally we got out of the tub, prune-y and warmed to the core. I wrapped a robe around her and we hugged. Again and again and again.

{ :: ~ CUE ANGEL MUSIC ~ :: }

The violet moon butt plug is here! It arrived on Valentine’s Day by coincidence. (I was hoping the package was The Belle’s candy bra, but alas, that is still en route.)

This is SO going up my ass:

It’s so beautiful, it deserves it.

Yep, I hate Valentine’s Day, and this is despite me having a girlfriend and a boyfriend and being all down with the love and chocolates. I refuse to write a V-Day post.

Except when someone asks me to. You can find my V-Day post over here at my FAVORITE food site, Worst Cook Ever! (Caution: this website IS work safe, despite them posting a pic of me - gasp! - in my underwear.)

Here I am all anti-Valentine’s Day, and HisLittleSlut did the cutest thing. She posed for pics for The Beau and me, wearing personalized fetish trigger points and then sent them to us like ecards.

This one was for me:

And this one was for The Beau:

Sweet, ey?

Dear Slut,
I was kicking around the idea of anonymously sending flowers to a co-worker I like for Valentine’s Day. I probably won’t, because I tend to err on the side of caution, but I was just wondering what you thought of that. She’s with a guy she’s not too enthusiastic about, but she is *with* him. Creepy, lame, cute, a waste, romantic?
Creepy is not my intent

Dear “He’s creepy, he’s creepy not,”
I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Consider your motivation for doing such a thing - are you doing it in the hopes that you’ll be her next boyfriend? Um, not gonna happen. At least, not because you sent her flowers.

But if you’re doing it because you want to revel in all the exciting, mysterious fantasies associated with it, and you have $75 burning a hole in your pocket (if you’re going to do it, then do it right), then eh, why not? For sure it will give her a huge ego boost and make her day - the flattery of being on the receiving end of such a generous gesture will outweigh any nagging creepy feelings she might experience (”do I have a stalker?” “are these from my ex?” “god I hope these aren’t from my dad”)

Then again, she’ll also have to deal with her boyfriend’s reaction to it - evolutionary biology will probably kick in and he’ll go into sperm war mode and fuck her twice that night instead of once.

Yeah, don’t do it.

Send your romantic riddles to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

OK so I haven’t actually worn the strap on or been fucked with it yet, but I have been having a different kind of fun with it. This thing is stupid huge. Here, let me show you a few size comparisons.

Dildo next to a princess pez dispenser.

Dildo next to a banana.

Dildo next to a 4 lb. bag of sugar.

Dildo next to a metronome (correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is the first picture on the internet of a dildo with a metronome.)

Dildo next to beer.

Dildo next to succulent cactus.

Alias: Phoenix
Age: 34
Relationship status: Single and cautiously, but optimistically looking
Sexual orientation: Questionable… but leaning toward “straight,” at this time. But, whichever way I may lean, I’m a one-man/woman kinda girl. Sorry, TBK, I just can’t focus on more than one person at a time!
Favorite physical feature on yourself: I rather like my hands.
Beauty tip: Move your body! I hate exercising, but when I start to feel “sluggish,” I hop on my bicycle and head to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of Merlot and some dark chocolate! A girl’s gotta have motivation to keep fit!
Charity you support: Adult Literacy League of Orlando, FL, and Sarasota Literacy League in, you guessed it, Sarasota, FL.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Poi dancing and cello lessons… both life-long aspirations.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? Everything. There’s so much that I *don’t* know! It’s one of the reasons why I enjoy meeting new people… they have so much knowledge to share.
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? Not really. I was too introverted for imaginary friends.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? I’m doing it every morning… getting up and facing a new day! Really, every day is a new adventure and it’s just amazing how much life has to offer when you accept her gifts.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): I’m a pretty damn good cook. And, I like to hone that talent with social gatherings with close friends. Friends rave about my basil pesto and vegan Alfredo!
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): I really like giving head. While I don’t know if that means I’m “talented” at it, I certainly have aspirations for being “good” at it. Since I’ve recently rediscovered “men” and their parts, I’m quite fascinated with learning all their curves, folds, tastes, and smells. Gawd… I’m getting tingly just thinking about it!
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17… three months away from 18. I was a late bloomer (in relation to my friends who all got “deflowered” around 13).
The last time you had sex, and with who: A month ago… with my ex. In a week… with my ex.
Tattoos/piercings: Two tattoos that I hope to cover up with an uber-tattoo and one lone piercing left that I refuse to take out.
What type of person are you into? Open-minded vegetarians who stimulate my brain as well as my girly parts.
What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? I fantasize about meeting someone who is both gentle and domineering. Someone who I can talk to as an equal, but who is smarter than me and motivates me to be be a better *me.* Great sex, mutual masturbation, watching someone pleasure themselves, clever banter, sexual innuendo, childish banter.
Pubic hairstyle: Just closely trimmed… no “style.”
What do your nipples look like? They’re kinda cute. No dark rings, no baby bottle nipples… just small, pert, and pink!
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? Oh… this will be long! Two years ago, I attended my company’s yearly Christmas party. Like most company Christmas parties, everybody who usually couldn’t stand looking at each during the normal 9 to 5 work week became the best of friends after drinking on the company’s liquor tab. I’ll admit, I partook of the free drinks, too. However, it was what happened afterward that I remember most. A few of us from work went to a local bar, after the party. By the time “the boy from work” with whom I’d been shamelessly flirting for several months showed up, I had already had a few more shots. I remember dancing with him. I remember moving from the dance floor to the booth. I remember kissing him. I remember his hands sliding over my body, zipping and unzipping my booted leg, caressing my naked calf, inhaling his breath, feeling the slight bristle of his 5 o’clock shadow. Somewhere in the background, there were bodies on the dance floor listening to music that I didn’t hear. I had, I believe, the best make-out session I’d ever had in my entire life (with a boy). It was, most definitely, one of the hottest moments in my life.
Any regrets? Only for the things I’ve not yet done.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? Because you have impeccable taste in friends!

I was over at my galpal’s place the other night, and I asked her, “Hey, did you use that strap on you got for your birthday yet?”

She said coyly, “No, I’m waiting to use it with you.”

“Aw that is so sweet! Say, didn’t you already have a strap on?” I asked her.

“Yes, I got it as a gift, but it turned out to be WAY too big - no way was I going to use it!”

Hmm, that sounded intriguing. “Can I see this monster?”

She rummaged in her bedside table drawer and pulled out this giant red jelly swirl dildo with a harness. “It’s the Jesse Jane model,” she explained.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding,” I said when I laid eyes on it. I weighed its heft in my hand. “Why the fuck would Jesse allow such a thing?!” I marveled. “I mean, the length, fine, but the girth? Talk about a ridiculous pussy stretcher! So…if you’re not going to use it, can I have it?”

“Sure!” she agreed happily. “I want it to have a good home.”

“Oh I’ll give it plenty of attention,” I assured her.

I left her apartment with it slung over my shoulder. I can’t wait to play with it!

“I have three passions in life - God, music, and sex. And not necessarily in that order!”

- Dolly Parton

(I fucking love Dolly. Did you know that she met Johnny Cash when she was a teenager, and she was ready to give it up to him right there in the parking lot? Did you also know that she is donating her breasts to her fans? Um, how does that work?)

Dear Slut,
Sorry to say that I’m a long-time lurker. My wife and I have been in a sexual black hole recently. We have a six month old baby who has effectively eliminated every bit of spontaneity from our lives.

My wife wishes she were more sexual, and has agreed to make more of an effort. She suggested getting some porn, but neither one of us care much for traditional porn (fake boobs and high heels not working for us). I know there are some great websites out there with amateurs, but we haven’t been able to find DVDs that we can watch in our bedroom. Is there any good, commercially available porn out there?

In a tangential related question, how is it possible that every Okkervil River album is better than their last when each album seems so perfect? I still can’t decide if I like “Unless it Kicks” or “John Allyn Smith Sails” better. “No Key, No Plan” is still probably my favorite, though.
Dad With Great Musical Taste

Dear Hip Dad,
You had me at Okkervil River.

Just so you know, your black hole is temporary. I was horny during my pregnancy, but then things took a drastic turn as soon as she was born. For a year or two I was exhausted, in pain, physically fucked up. We’re talking cunt rippage/stitches. I had to heal from my war wounds, and having a baby around did NOT facilitate the process. Breastfeeding also killed my sex drive.

I was sad - I thought that was the way it was going to be from now on. It took a while, but I finally got out of that stage and am now fully recovered and hornier than ever. You can expect to put your sex life on hold for up to three years total when you add a kid to your life. (Yes, there was that swinger couple I knew that would put their 8 month old to bed and then have another couple over for some grown up fun, and yes the wife was in awesome shape, but they are mutant freaks and that is not the norm.)

Those stupid parenting magazines will tell you to set aside an evening a week to go out on a date, and while that is nice, it’s not enough. A weekend in some romantic setting would be a good start, but inevitably the time away is tainted by you missing the kid and feeling guilty for enjoying yourself. Do it anyway.

Until your black hole period ends, you need to figure out ways to cope. So the porn idea is great (props to your wife for being cool!), and I think my readers will be able to point you in the right direction. I know what you mean about gross porn with all the fake boobs and stuff. How about this site?

And I’m sure you’ve heard this before but it really does turn a woman on to find that a mess she was about to clean up at the end of the day has already been done, like a sink full of dishes or a basket of laundry.

Don’t be such a baby. Send your kinky queries to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

OK so before you think I’m slamming her, I’m not. At least, not for being a whore (my definition of whore: someone who exchanges sexual acts for money or other forms of payment).

Jesse Jane is a popular American porn star. Here is her website. She cleans up nice, doesn’t she? She looks a lot like my baby sister. She has a 7 year old son. She’s a tomboy. She claims to be bisexual on and off screen. She starred in the priciest, fanciest porn film to date, Pirates. Pirates 2 will be coming out later this year.

Here is my biggest problem with Jesse Jane:

I dunno, they look like they hurt, like they’re infected or something. I heard she had them redone, I wonder if this picture shows the before or after results.

And I have to say, that Playboy tattoo is a bit predictable. Although it would be fine if she were paid several thousand dollars to be branded with the Playboy logo and used as live advertising. I can see the execs discussing it now:

“So where should we place this logo on Jesse? We need to make sure it gets maximum visibility.”

“How about her forehead?”

“Nooo… How about right by her crotch?”

“Perfect!”

(see previous post for more details)

The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM-Fetish-Kink Checklist

It’s a Pervert Party, and you’re invited! Copy and paste this checklist into a word processor program. For each question assign a number based on this scale:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!
4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.
3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.
2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).
1 = Eh, I don’t think so.
0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.
? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.
* = fantasy only, stays in my head

Be as creative as you want – feel free to add, fill in blanks, specify, clarify. No, you don’t need to painstakingly fill out each and every number, you can whiz through if you like, use checks instead. Customize it to suit your needs; use a highlighter or different colors for your answers if it helps. Most of all, have fun!

Hey this is the ultimate list, which means it’s loong. So I’m going to page break it here. (more…)

Tomorrow I will be posting something glorious - an amazing learning tool for you and your loved ones:

The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM-Fetish-Kink Checklist

I’ve found a few BDSM checklists online, but none of them suited me for one reason or another (they were incomplete, had a funny rating system, were too sub-leaning) so I took one and modified it and came up with my own version.

I’ve test driven it on a few friends and they’ve learned a lot about themselves. I have learned a lot about myself - for the first time ever I put down on paper all the wild fantasies in my head that get me so hot. And just so you know, it took me three rounds of filling it out before I had enough guts to peel back all the layers. It was a liberating exercise. Mine is art, a fluid work in progress. (I’ll have you know that sock monkeys were mentioned ZERO times on my list.)

You’d do well to fill it out. It’s fucking sexy to do - I worked on it for days and kept getting aroused. If you have a partner they should fill it out, too. Then compare notes. Since sharing mine with my man, I’ve been pleasantly surprised in the bedroom several times! It would also be interesting to fill it out six months later or a year from now, see what has changed as you gain experience or enter a new phase.

Have fun with it.

It’s official - I have a Girlfriend. That’s “girlfriend” with a capital G. I have lots of galpals I play around with, but she is the one who keeps a toothbrush at my place.

We cook together, read together, cuddle, shop at thrift stores, she doms me, she messes up my hair. She thrills me - the other day she gave me a surprise - when I left the room for a minute and came back, she was standing in my kitchen wearing boy undies and a wifebeater - a look she knows I think is totally hot!

I call my guy “The Beau” on here, not sure what to call her. I don’t really like the word “girlfriend,” but I s’pose it will do for now. So anytime you see it spelled with a capital G, you know it’s her I’m talking about.

Oh, yeahhh.

(By the way, this new development wouldn’t be possible without the loving support from her boyfriend. He is super cool to share her with me. Thank you, man.)

A friend of mine asked me:

“Do you think a small breasted woman should wear an under bust or over bust corset?

I absolutely think under bust - that way it’s like her breasts are being served up on a platter.

How about you?

As for me, I want this one.

It may shock some of you, but I prayed the other day. I had one more abortion aftercare sheet lying around from my abortion I wanted to send to some junk mail solicitor, and as I checked the mailbox, I prayed for a realllly good piece of junk mail. You know, something better than an insurance pitch or pre-approved credit card application.

My prayer was answered.

This what was in my box.

I sent them this:

* Be sure and check out the makeover my daughter gave Jesus on the Kiddo page of this blog.