Ask The Slut: Don’t You Get Jealous?
Filed under: Ask The Slut - February 29, 2008 @ 6:00 amDear Slut,
I read on your blog about how you were downstairs while your man was upstairs tying another woman up in your bedroom. WTF? Don’t you get jealous??
- Baffled
Dear Baffled,
One of my favorite quotes goes like this: Jealousy is all the fun you think they’re having.
Some people have trouble trusting their new partner because their ex cheated on them. Some people think they can own their partner and not allow them to have friends of the opposite sex. Most people freak out at the thought of their partner sharing sex or intimacy with others.
I think this is all stupidlame, but truth is, I can relate.
I used to say I didn’t experience jealousy, but came to admit that’s not true (granted, I have a higher threshold than most people.)
At first, when The Belle entered the scene (I’d like to point out that I met The Beau on stupidmyspace and The Belle at a Meetup group), she was mainly friends with The Beau. I encouraged their friendship - I saw they had an instant connection and good chemistry. But as they got closer and their bond strengthened, I started to feel anxious. One day they took a road trip to a park to go hiking, and it was that day I became officially jealous. I was worried I would lose The Beau to her, and that they would never come back.
It was irrational, but based on something that happened to me a year ago - I was in an intense, open relationship with a guy. I introduced him to a friend of mine and encouraged them to date, and one night he up and ran off with her and I never saw him again. It was a shocker all right. It turned out he faked his way through our relationship and we weren’t at all right for each other, but it took me getting dumped to realize that. Four months later, I met The Beau.
“Look, I’m not that phony idiot,” The Beau told me when I explained why I was feeling freaked out. But I wasn’t wholly convinced.
How was I able to overcome my jealousy and work my way through it? By sitting down with The Belle and having a heart-to-heart. I opened myself up to her and became vulnerable. I told her how I was feeling, even though it embarrassed me. I felt weak and insecure for having these feelings.
You always hear that open communication is the key to making relationships work. It’s a tired cliche, but let me take it a step further and explain what that means: IT MEANS TALKING ABOUT THE EMBARRASSING THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT MEANS TAKING A RISK. IT CAN EVEN MEAN SAYING THINGS YOU THINK THE OTHER PERSON DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR.
I took a risk, and it paid off. The Belle handled what I had to say with grace and aplomb. I told her I wanted to get to know her better and work on a stronger connection with her. I held back for a long time, but we finally had our breakthrough.
The other day she gave me a big hug and said, “Here you thought you were going to lose him, but you ended up gaining me!”
C’mon, work the kinks OUT. Send your kinky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com
February 29th, 2008 at 7:22 am
jealousy DOES come around once in a while in all poly/open relationships…it’s just the way it is. And TBK is right, communication is the key. I have found personally, that as longer as I feel secure that my partner(s)wants ME, I really don’t care who else they might want too. The problems arise if I become uncertain that I am wanted…so to me, as long as I communicate enough with my primary partner(s), poly does work
:) Actually it works better than monogamy for me…
February 29th, 2008 at 7:29 am
I agree! As long as my physical and emotional needs are being met, I don’t care who does what. WATCHING who does what is an added bonus.
February 29th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I have to admit I’m jealous.
Last year, after 13 years in a relationship where physical attention was severely lacking (not just sex, but regular hugs and kisses simply weren’t there) I started an affair with a much younger guy.
Problem is, I STILL LOVE the husband. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too. I’d love to have my husband for all the wonderful things he brought into the relationship, but the lover for the physical companionship. My lover is a wonderful, sweet, loving and caring person. But I married my husband for a reason and I miss him dearly.
Right now the husband and I are separated (I told him about the affair after 1 month) and I’m living with the lover. This isn’t going to last as I need more than a lover. However, my life is on hold while I straighten this mess out. I’d like to work things out with the husband, but I have my doubts that our original problems will be resolved. He forgives me for having an affair - he does understand that the person I really wanted to be with was him and that he just couldn’t provide (we’d have sex maybe 2-4 times a year with no loving attention in between).
My husband always knew that I felt the physical side of our relationship was lacking. But it can be hard to find all that one needs in just one person. It’s not just that one person may not have “it all” - but it’s a lot of pressure on that one person to “be everything” - why NOT share the “burden” so-to-speak.
I’m ready for an open relationship. I just to find the right people.
Good luck. I admire you all for what you are giving each other. You’re in inspiration to those of us who realize that it is possible to love and desire more than one person at a time.
I’m only in my mid-30s. I’m not ready to give up yet!
February 29th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Dear Diane,
I wish you luck! Either in working out a solution with your husband or in finding someone to meet all of your needs.
I’m completely new to all of this and I freely admit that I’m not as open as TBK–it’s just lucky that we both like girls.
Do you happen to be bi? Might another girl help to bridge the gap with your husband–or maybe both the intimacy AND the jealousy gaps? I’m not suggesting this to be titillating, it’s just that his situation and mine are similar in a couple of ways.
Another idea might be to sit down with him to read some of TBK’s blog. I would think that it could start some good communication on topics that are difficult to get started.
All my best,
Beau
February 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
My question would be, how long had these things been lacking? If it started that way or had been that way for a long time, I would have ended it. Im sure the Beau would agree having been married for many years that there are times when things can get a bit stale. Ive been with the same woman for 11yr and we have an incredible relationship, even when the sex is less than we would like we are still very affectionate toward each other. I think the lack of affection you have with your husband is more of a concern than the sex.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
just wanted to say that your blog looks very pretty, dear! I think I might not be the only one with spring fever…
February 29th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for sharing… jealousy doesn’t have to be the end of anything - if people are willing to do like you - use jealousy as a tool to explore their own insecurities and fears… well then jealousy turns out to be a good thing.
I love reading your triad stories… more, more, more! I wish my triad had stayed the course… but I’m so thrilled for you and the Beau and the Belle.
March 1st, 2008 at 5:18 pm
thank you. that was beautiful advice.
you are a wise woman.
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
This is my problem exactly. I got burned by my ex-wife a couple years ago. She cheated on me about 8 months into the marriage. When I first met her I found out she had a boyfriend. When we were living together she cheated on me about two years into the relationship. It was tough leaving that situation because we had a daughter together and this would have been my second marriage. So I was determined to make it work…even if it killed me. And it nearly did. Anyway, my problem with this is that I bring all my trust issues and jealousy and insecurities into new relationships. It doesn’t affect me the first couple months, but when it starts to feel like things are getting serious…I freak out inside and I either push them away from me or I break it off. I’ve done this twice since my marriage ended and these were really good women with good intentions. Jealousy and trust issues are a total buzz kill. I just don’t know how to escape them.
August 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Are you monogamous naturally? Because most people are not. Maybe in future relationships you can try a different approach in which openness and honesty takes priority over societal expectations. I mean maybe your partner just needs to fuck someone else every once in a while just to get it out of her system. Of course it’s only fair that you be allowed the same. Or maybe you can explore sex with other people together?
It is a shame that so many people feel compelled to cheat and be deceitful. I think it’s normal to desire more than one person - we need to redefine how we handle that. Yes there are scary feelings to fear, but if you face them and work through them, you survive and are a stronger person for it.