The Beautiful Kind

The other day I found out that my dad went on a lesbian photo shoot with my ex-husband. This strikes even ME as weird.

So of course I hit my dad up for details and pics. He told me it’s some model/photographer network and that all the male photographers pitch in to pay the models. There were about ten guys at the photo shoot and two beautiful models, all hanging out and drinking wine in a downtown loft.

The next photo shoot is later this month at the motorcycle museum, and will feature eight models. Seriously, I don’t understand the sexy woman/motorcycle combination. Vibration? Danger? I love thinking of men posing with cars and machinery the way women do. Like this.

Me: You finally got a butt plug up your ass!

Him: Yeah, and I didn’t whine as much about it as you did.

Me: You took it like a Desert Storm Trooper, honey.

Him: Then again, I have a bigger ass than you.

Me: No kidding, I heard you shit babies.

Him: Did I say that? No, I think it’s more like baby legs. My shits look like chubby little baby legs.

Me: Please stop right now.

Dear Slut,
In reading through some of your adventures, it seems you have gotten into quite a bit of trouble/naughtiness in the past. I’m curious: how do you juggle casual behavior with safety (of the STD/sexual paranoia variety)? Condoms only get you so far, especially when dealing with (near) strangers — I’m wondering how this tightrope act of safety vs. fun works for you.
Cootie Police

Dear Cootie,
Your question reminds me of a quote I posted over a year ago by Germaine Greer: “Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.”

Check out these fascinating facts:

Number of people (”women!” he clarifies in the background, hmf) my guy has had sex with in his life: 6
Number of times he has had sex in his entire life (pre-TBK), rough estimate: 50
Number of STDs he has had: zero

Number of people (”almost everyone I know!” I clarify obnoxiously) I have had sex with in my life: Hundreds
Number of times I have had sex in my entire life, rough estimate: 1 million
Number of STDs I have had: zero

So what’s the deal? Early on in my sex history, I was an idiot. I had a guy pretend to put on a condom in the dark but didn’t really. I had unprotected sex with random hot guys. I had a boyfriend accuse me of giving him an STD but it turns out he had hemorrhoids. I have often had sex with three dudes in one day (sometimes they were all there in the same room, and sometimes I spaced them out over a 24 hour period and they didn’t know about each other). Verdict? Sheer fucking luck.

But hey, one guy I didn’t sleep with was Darnell “Boss Man” McGee, a player from East St. Louis who slept with over 100 14 year old girls in the span of a year and infected over 30 of them with HIV. Don’t worry, he was shot and killed in 1997, so your 14 year old daughters are safe now. For sure, a big factor is who you are sleeping with (go for the inexperienced geeks!) and what your environment is like (be white middle class!) STDs are more prevalent in lower-income minority neighborhoods.

Being educated also helps, but hey, shit happens. Luckily I wised up later on, and used condoms religiously when I attended orgies or turned tricks with total strangers. I also refused to swallow casual semen (full disclosure: I have never used a dental dam when eating a woman or made a guy wear a condom for a blow job). It’s true - you’re way more likely to get an STD when you are the one being penetrated and that other fellow is depositing bodily fluids in or on your person.

I’m going to get spanked for saying this, especially since I haven’t done my research and checked all the statistics, but do you think that maybe, just MAYBE, the whole STD thing is exaggerated at least a little by conservative/religious people in an effort to scare folks and encourage monogamy, our society darling?

I mean, I’ve been involved in the swinger community in at least three states and have been a member of a local polyamory group, and I have never heard of a case of the clap making its rounds. Have any of you swingin’ or poly people witnessed any disease outbreaks? And I really do think that some of the incurable STDs are made into something bigger and badder than they really are - for sure you don’t want HIV or Hepatitis C, but warts and herpes?

TONS of people carry the HPV virus - if you’ve slept with four people you more than likely carry it (I’m sure I do, though I’ve never seen an outbreak) and herpes is similar - most people only have one or two outbreaks and are not as plagued with it as the drug companies want you to believe. They don’t tell you this, but if you have herpes and you take drugs to prevent outbreaks, you can only take them for about a year, and once you stop, the virus gets pissed and will hit you harder.

* I’m talking out of my disease-free ass here, people, so if I’m wrong about something or you have had an STD or two, please comment and set me straight.

Yep condoms are not all-protecting. And like a lot of people, I hate ‘em. Condoms were the worst part about swinging (OK, maybe sleeping with some of the caveman dudes in order to get to their hot wives was the worst part), so it’s nice to be settled down and not need the sausage shrink wrap. But hey, maybe if they were cookie flavored…

Next week: Special guest appearance with “Ask The Monk!”

Here’s the thing: I’m all the time dressing up in my sexy lingerie and thigh hi’s and I’m the slutty little sub, but last night I declared “TBK Says” night, which is a lot like “Simon Says,” only much dirtier. The Beau agreed to be at my mercy for the night.

I told him I wanted him to wear a wifebeater and the army boots while we had sex. In other words, I wanted to turn him into my fuck object for a change (to be fair, I ask him to denigrate me during sex - for some reason that gets me hot). He said, “How am I supposed to get my jeans off with the boots on?”

I wrestled his jeans to down to around his calves. Solved! As an added bonus, he felt like he couldn’t move, so it was like me tying him up (in the words of Monty Python, And Now for Something Completely Different). I made him peel off my stockings, unbraid my hair, rubbed my soft little tits in his face, shoved his arms up over his head, and then I sat on his face, masturbated on top of him, rode his cock. It was so much fun to see him cope with not being in the driver’s seat for a change.

Then he got into the spirit of things by suggesting we stick a butt plug up his ass (not our shiny new glass one, but a rubber one we already have lying around). This would be the first time he’d have something up the ol’ poop chute besides my finger! I let him choose which one he wanted me to use on him - small, medium, or large - see, I didn’t abuse my “Dom for a Day” powers. Of course he picked the small one.

I loved being in charge of the plug, lubing it up, resting the tip against his asshole, pushing it in slowly, gauging his reaction every step of the way. I got off on watching him wince as he got used to the sensation of being stretched. “It feels like I’m taking a shit!” he said between gritted teeth.

“Not a very sexy feeling, is it?” I said sympathetically. “But hopefully you’ll get past that and it’ll feel great. Or not - this can be a trial run and we can try more next time.”

We got it all the way in, and MAN it was hot to see him in the candlelight - wifebeater twisted around his torso, legs trussed with jeans, black butt plug base marking his ass as my bitch. (I am SO going to catch it for saying that.)

He lost his hard on with all the anal effort, so I had to suck his cock back to life, then rode him reverse cowgirl style so I could eyeball the boots.

Finally he had enough of the plug (wasn’t too sold on it actually), so I eased it out verrry carefully, then suggested shoving the head of our Hitachi Magic Wand up against his ass - not penetrating mind you, just pressing it against him and stimulating his ass with intense vibrations as he got off.

Worked like a charm.

“I think it’s time for a shower,” he groaned. Yep, he felt dirty. Mission accomplished!

From a website called Infantalism.org:

I wear nappies every night, I have been an adult baby for ten years now but never liked pooing my nappy but like the feel of a full one. Now when I want that full nappy feeling I pour a large tin of rice pudding down it and I get the feel of a full nappy, it is perfect and no pooey smell.

I am the hottest girl at my school. I wore a REALLY short skirt with a bulky diaper under it. I ate choco lax for 3 days and went to the mall. I found excuses to bend down in front of guys and got an awesome reaction. Then, also in front of some guys, I filled the seat of my diaper. I found more excuses to bend over. Also, since I am so hot, guys tried to look up my skirt and saw a poopy diaper and laughed till they wet themselves. Everybody all around the mall was laughing at my big bulging diaper sticking WAY out of my skirt! It was awesome!

An interview I conducted with a 25 year old man who is into being an adult baby:

When did you first get interested in infantalism?
I like every aspect of infantilism, and have been involved since I was 8 years old. I got involved in it by wearing diapers and sucking my thumb. When I got older, life got more stressful, so I started using bottles and pacifiers.

Can you think of a specific memory that influenced you?
My trigger point was probably when I was around 7 close to 8 and I saw my cousin who was 3 years old getting his diaper changed and it looked so comforting and relaxing to be changed and wear a diaper, so it probably started there but not sure. I did steal diapers from him a few times, just to try them on and I enjoyed it and that’s really when I started liking them and it went from there. I also made diapers a lot of times at that age out of towels, and trash bags, and even my moms pads sometimes just for the feeling of something.

What do you like about it?
I am most definitely more comfortable wearing a diaper than underwear. A diaper to me feels like a big hug that does not go away. I love wearing diapers for comfort and relaxing. I like dressing like a baby too, I have diapers, a onesie, baby bottles, adult size pacifier. I just like to let my inner child come out to play when I am regressing to a baby. I like my pacifier and diapers the most probably. When I am a baby it is about comfort and just letting everything go for a little while and relaxing.

Do you have control over your baby urges?
Sometimes I cannot control when the baby comes out in me or mostly toddler. When I have had a babysitter, it usually just came natural for me to regress to a baby. I don’t remember a lot about being cared for and loved as a baby, but it is a big part of it of being a baby to me now.

Does wearing a diaper turn you on?
Wearing diapers does turn me on sometimes. When I am horny and wearing them I masturbate in them.

Does anyone know about your fetish?
About 20 people know about my fetish that know me personally and most ignore it completely. I have friends online into it, but nobody personally around here. I am subscribed to a few sites like dailydiapers.com and diaperspace.com and dpf.com. My parents and a few friends know, but they just ignore this part of me. My mom has became more accepting of it over the years, and even got me a diaper bag last year for Christmas.

How often do you wear diapers?
I wear diapers about 60 percent of the time, except for work so they are a big part of my life, especially my #1 comfort in life. I go through about 15 diapers a week.

That must mean you wear diapers out in public.
Most of the time in public I wear underwear over the diaper it cuts down on the crinkling sound by 80 percent. I have worn a diaper on a few dates. When I have been on a date and wore a diaper, it went more smoothly - I was not as shy, I had more to talk about and was not as nervous because I felt comforted and protected.

What kind of diapers do you wear?
I wear the Attends medium fitted brief diapers mostly.

Do you soil your diapers?
I do urinate and defecate in the diapers. Messing my diaper is very messy to clean up so I usually only do it a few times a month. Most of the time I do use the bathroom, but over time my bladder has gotten a little smaller, so I do dribble some if I am not careful and go when I need to go.

Do you like the feel of a dirty diaper?
I really don’t like sitting in a soiled diaper, I usually change 30 minutes after doing it.

Do you like other people to change your diaper?
I do like having somebody clean me up, it is very comforting and nurturing and loving to be cared for like that.

Do a lot of people do this?
There are millions of people that does this, all involved in different aspects of it, some don’t like diapers and just like a pacifier or bottle and others like it all. 80% of the people into this are men.

Why do you think more men are into it?
I guess because guys are supposed to grow up faster and be the man of the house, but I don’t know, that’s just a theory.

Do you smoke or drink or have any other adult habits?
Diapers are my main comfort to me, and I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. As far as I’m concerned, diapers and pacifiers are like smoking, only they are a lot healthier I think. Remember I did not choose to be an adult baby, it just happened and I liked it.

Why do you think people find this fetish so strange?
A lot of people do think this is weird, and I know it is different but I am not hurting anybody and I have a full time job and I am just happy I have a comfort. I know a lot of people do not have comfort in their lives. A lot of people’s habits are along the same line as infantilism, with different fetishes or bondages, but a lot of people think this has to do with pedeophilia and it has nothing to do with that at all.

Are you looking for a babysitter?
Yes I am. The babysitter I used to have moved away.

What would you want your babysitter to do?
I want my babysitter to treat me exactly like a baby, change my diaper, give me a bottle, burp me, feed me, give me a bath, play toys with me, talk to me like a baby. I would like to find someone who could do it two hours every other weekend. I would pay 30 dollars an hour.

A lot of people find this interesting, thanks for being respectable to me about it, a lot of people are not.

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Do you have a fetish you want to share? Contact love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This video perfectly captures all of my dreams for 2008. Except the one about publishing a book. And going to Japan. And being flogged. And adopting a little Chinese girl and naming her Aster. And liberating all the zoo animals before they go more insane. And getting people to see that Jesus is a sham. And making a snowman out of mashed potatoes. Only then it would be a mashed potato man.

“Quit sucking on my thumb so I can smack your face again.”

- my guy, to me while we’re having sex (Of course I came as soon as he said that. )